“Remain in Me”

Nearly seven years ago, I started a business. I prayed diligently about the decision and sensed God’s confirmation to move forward. Because of my inexperience in retail operations, I depended heavily on God for wisdom and direction. Between the first time I caught a vision for this venture and the day we opened our doors, I prayed every step of the way.

On opening day, customers lined up around the building. With pounding heart and sweaty palms, I became acutely aware of the fact that the success or failure of this business rested on me. For the next four years, I ran the store as if this were true.

Instead of praying for God’s wisdom or listening to the counsel of trusted advisors, like my husband, Dan, who was also my business partner, I relied on my own understanding. I simply was too busy and preoccupied to spend time reading my Bible. And when I did make time, I found myself re-reading the same passage over and over and never grasping the words. Daily preoccupation over my work took the place of daily quiet time with God.

Jesus said, “I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing” (John 15:5). I discovered how true his words are. The longer I skimmed in my spiritual life, the further I fell from the vine. And the further I fell from the vine, the more all my efforts proved fruitless.

Making decisions apart from God and Dan started to have a snowball effect that eventually led to the demise of our business—and nearly our marriage.

Looking back on those four years, I know now what was at play: apart from Christ, I could do nothing. Instead of remaining in Jesus, as he instructs us to do in John 15:5, I ran on ahead without him.

If I remain in Christ and he remains in me, there is nothing we can’t do together. I stay connected to Christ primarily through prayer and Bible reading. How about you? What’s your best way for clinging to the vine?

Oprah, Porn, and Jesus

A few weeks ago I watched an episode of Oprah called “Why Millions of Women Are Using Porn and Erotica.” The experts she included said they want to remove the stigma of women using and making pornography. Under the guise of women empowerment, Oprah encouraged women to take a fresh look at this often “shamed” industry, put aside their judgments, and find something that might sexually appeal to them.

I know a lot of you are not surprised. But as someone who actually does respect some—but not all—of what Oprah does, I was appalled. This is the cultural icon who built a school for girls in South Africa in 2007. She has helped other women in a myriad of ways: financially, emotionally, physically. And yet she’s telling us to watch and even make porn because it will empower us. Really, Oprah? That doesn’t seem a bit contradictory?

According to Oprah, 1 in 3 consumers of online porn are now women, which is why she chose to address this topic. “Something’s going on in the bedrooms across America . . .” she says. The sex industry is also slowly being infiltrated by women behind, not just in front of, the camera. Women producers, writers, and directors are more prevalent now than ever.

According to the guests on this episode, this is supposed to be a good thing. Women are taking back an industry that has been traditionally dominated by men. Am I missing something? While I’m all for women shattering glass ceilings and doing things that only men once did, I’m not sure this is what the suffragists had in mind. And I’m positive this isn’t what Jesus had in mind when he empowered women during his earthly ministry.

Oprah interviewed Jenna Jameson, the most “successful” (read: most profitable) porn star ever, who said she didn’t grow up wanting to be in the porn business but she doesn’t regret her choices. Jenna’s background is heartbreaking: She was sexually abused as a child, gang raped in high school, suffered from addiction, poverty, and an eating disorder. She said, “I knew I had a lot of options, but this was something that I excelled at.”

Jenna built her own business empire, took charge of which films she was in and what she did in those films, and is now retired with twin boys. The Oprah Show visited Jenna’s house, allowing viewers to get a glimpse inside her incredible wealth. But is she happy? Is she at peace with the decisions she’s made? Is her heart shattered from the abuse she’s experienced? These questions were conveniently avoided to show Jenna’s financial success, her stuff.

Jenna was told from an early age that her body was the only thing she had to offer the world and she could use it to be “in control,” to be successful. “I always felt like I needed to be in front of an audience, and I wanted to touch people’s lives,” she said. “You know, I may be touching them in a different way.”

It is incredibly disturbing and saddening that many women idolize Jenna Jameson, that they believe she is empowered instead of confused and broken. In a conversation with my friend Hollie, she said, “Just because women get to choose when and how they’re exploited doesn’t mean it’s not exploitation.” They’re using the same destructive vehicle, even if they’re now in the driver’s seat. The hardest part is that there are millions of women around the globe who are forced into exploitation and abuse. And here is Oprah—one of the world’s most influential women—glamorizing the sex industry as if it’s beneficial for women.

What if Jenna had someone to tell her she has so much more to offer than just her body? What if she heard she was precious in the eyes of Jesus, not just wanted in the eyes of men? What if we start listening to him, instead of Oprah, for a definition of healthy female sexuality?

Santa Claus and Christmas

I have a friend who loves the Santa Claus tradition at Christmas. She and her husband go to great lengths to convince their children that Santa Claus exists. They make prints in the snow (including on their roof), leave a little pile of coal dust in their living room, and consume the cookies and milk left for the jolly, old man.

Another friend refuses to have anything about Santa around the house. She feels that it takes away from the true message of Christmas and only confuses her kids.

So what’s right? Is Santa Claus harmless fun or in direct opposition to Christ? The debate could go on forever, but I have a few thoughts on the matter. Feel free to take them with a grain of salt and let me know what you think.

Santa Claus is an impossible character to ignore in our society from mid-November to the end of December. He is splashed everywhere on TV, billboards, magazine ads, internet commercials, and is even used as a selling agent on infomercials. And I have to admit, I like the idea of the old guy. Who wouldn’t like someone who leaves you presents in a magical way?

That said, I can see some harm in the whole idea as well. I remember a young boy whose parents went through a bitter divorce before Christmas. His mother had very little money, but she found a used coat with a sports team she thought her son would like. She wrote on the tag that it was from Santa Claus. When I asked the boy what he got for Christmas, he said bitterly, “Santa gave me an old, used coat. Why would he do that?”

So I fall somewhere in the middle. I like having fun with Santa, but I never try to convince a child that he is real. I love telling kids the basis for the Santa Claus story in the traditional tales of St. Nicholas. And it’s hard to beat the cadence and charm of “A Night Before Christmas.” But I treat the whole subject of Santa Claus the way I would a fairy tale. It’s a story of great charm and fun, but it just isn’t real. And like fairy tales, it introduces us to a magical world where wrongs are righted and the smallest, most overlooked person gets rewarded for their good behavior. Perhaps in those tales, we discover a longing for a savior who will right all wrongs and forgive us even when our behavior is more “naughty” than “nice.”

What do you think?

Book Review: Breaking Dawn by Stephenie Meyer

For Bella Swan, romance is dead. Literally. When the 17-year-old heroine of Stephenie Meyer’s bestselling young adult series falls for her classmate, a hottie named Edward, she has no idea he’s keeping a secret: He’s a vampire and, well, dead.

Throughout the first three novels, Twilight, New Moon, and Eclipse, Bella navigates love and a rollercoaster ride of conflicts and adventures stemming from the clash of her human frailty with Edward’s virtually indestructible immortality. Note: Edward is a member of a “civilized family” of vampires who drink only animal blood. Spoiler alert: In Breaking Dawn, Meyer wraps up the romance, and the series, while stirring up a bit of controversy in the process. Beginning just days before Bella and Edward’s wedding, Dawn takes a darker turn that includes “off-camera” honeymoon rough sex (evidently Edward doesn’t know his own strength and Bella bruises easily), a life-threatening pregnancy that causes Bella to drink—and vomit—blood, and her eventual death and transformation to vampire. Though Meyer gives us a happily-ever-after ending, the journey is at times disturbingly bumpy and graphic.

Talk about it: Dawn fast-paced and endowed with the kind of sappy romance guaranteed to warm the hearts of hoards of teenaged girls—and more than a few moms. But this secular novel also raises some issues Christian moms and daughters can discuss.

Both Bella and Edward love sacrificially, placing each other’s happiness and welfare above their own, even when the result is intensely painful. And perhaps because Meyer is Mormon, the romance remains refreshingly chaste. In a surprising twist, it’s Edward who insists the couple wait until marriage before doing anything more than kissing.

Bella’s intense desire to become a vampire so she can remain with Edward forever generates interesting debates with him over the nature of good and evil, whether vampires hold a place in God’s creation, and if they possess souls.

And Edward’s steadfast determination to resist the temptation that seems hardwired into his nature, parallels a struggle to which all Christians can relate.

Of course, Dawn should also bear a warning label. Though Meyer’s books don’t criticize faith or God, the use of vampires and other fantastical creatures carries a mythology regarding life, death, and God that can be at odds with biblical truth.

And Edward and Bella’s romance, while sweet on paper, is viewed through rose-colored, love-conquers-all glasses that ignore some harsh realities. Their desperation to constantly be together sometimes feels more like obsession than love.

Like its predecessors, Dawn has sold millions of copies. Whether you find its story disturbing or thought-provoking, one thing is certain: your daughter, her friend (or perhaps even your friend!) is likely to have read it.

More Dangerous Than Vampires

Golden-eyed vampires with bodies like marble and a (nearly) unquenchable thirst for blood.
Shape-shifting werewolves that prowl through the night.

Stuck in the middle: a love-struck 17-year-old girl.

Yes, I’m talking about the Twilight saga that’s taken teen-girl-dom (and some of their mothers) by storm.

Rather predictably, many Christians have been up in arms about Twilight since the first best-selling book was published in 2005. It is about vampires after all—those denizens of evil and death that have creeped out readers since Bram Stocker first wrote Dracula. Personally, I don’t see a problem with reading fiction about mythical creatures. But there is something very insidious in Twilight . . . something much more dangerous and threatening than werewolves and vampires.

The Twilight Saga is the story of teenage Bella and her romance with Edward Cullen—an almost 100-year-old vampire in the body of an eternal 17-year-old who goes to her high school. Bella falls for Edward and she falls hard. He’s magnetically attractive. He’s hauntingly mysterious. Thoughts of Edward begin to dominate every waking moment for Bella.

Despite the unusual circumstances, Bella’s story is a lot like that of many teenage girls—and that’s why gaggles of them are going gaga over the books and movies. Teen girls love love. I remember being a teenager—and teen love is a lot like that. The guy becomes the center of the girl’s world. Other interests fade in importance. Life becomes all about Mr. Right (or Mr. Vampire, in Bella’s case).

But what’s really dangerous about Twilight is that it takes this teen version of love way too far. Bella doesn’t merely daydream about Edward; Edward becomes her entire world. Within days of meeting him, nothing else in Bella’s life is really important to her anymore. She’s willing to leave her family forever. She even says she’s willing to be killed by Edward.

Rather than enhancing Bella’s life, loving Edward diminishes who she is.
This kind of love is dangerous . . . and it’s anything but true.

I’ve seen this kind of love in action in the lives of grown women and the results aren’t pretty. In real life, this kind of love leads to male-dominated marriages, to depressed and isolated wives, and sometimes even to emotional or physical abuse.

What is God’s design for romantic love? Certainly there is an element of being enamored with the other—of thinking about the other a lot and of being emotionally dependent on that person to some degree. In marriage, God intends us to treasure our spouse above all others; in that sense, our lover is at the center of our life.

But God-honoring romantic love should never diminish us. True love is not about losing oneself in another.

Romantic love that honors God is a love in which we as women have a strong sense of ourselves, our interests, our gifts, and our passions. Rather than neglecting those things in our love for the other, our sense of identity should be enhanced, emboldened, and strengthened. Our lover helps us see and know and embrace who we are. We feel a confidence in who God made us to be and we offer that to our spouse just as he brings many things to us.

No romance is perfect, but we owe it to ourselves (and to the young women in our lives!) to reject false brands of romance when we see them and to instead aim to live out confident, mature, and self-affirming romantic love.

What do you think? When have you seen the danger of self-diminishing love in the lives of others? How can we as Christian women embody God’s plan for romantic love and personal identity? Why is it important to do so?