Kyria's Gifted for Leadership

Comments

I totally understand this struggle. I too am blessed to be home with my kids - school them etc - but also serve as a volunteer leader and teacher in ministry and I get so pumped by that. I've come to realize that God has a unique call on my life and I am not called to be "like anyone else". I'm not "normal". Maybe not even "balanced!" And I don't need to apologize for or justify that uniqueness to anyone. Daily I seek Him and am amazed at how He contiues to mold and make me for the uniuqe purposes He has called me to - including that of nurturing three precious kids as well as the challenges of ministry. God is good and He is perfect in all that He IS and does.

Posted By: Susan | April 27, 2007 2:20 PM

Wow! The Proverbs 31 woman is an entrepreneur, a homemaker and is a jewel to her husband. How sad that we are still the victim of this society's degradation of womanhood to mere gender identity. IWe really should stop worshipping at the altar of the uterus. I believe we need to repent of our own sexism, of making submission a dirty word, and ask the LORD for deliverance from the spirit of feminist thought, which is akin to jezebel and witchcraft.
But then again, having identified the spirits, I'm sure there are sentimentalists and radical 'christian' feminists who will rage against the truth....

Posted By: Helen Thomas | April 27, 2007 2:31 PM

So much could be said about Caryn´s comments. I guess one of our challenges is to be like a child. Words like simple, spontaneous, carefree, easily pleased, and trusting come to mind. Do we have faith in our perfect Father, that He will show us how to please Him from day-to-day?

Posted By: Lisa | April 27, 2007 9:45 PM

I hope that you will never supress your God-given gifts. This struggle may be the Holy Spirit speaking to you, telling you to ready yourself for more ministry sometime in the future. Perhaps He has more for you to do right now even, perhaps not. Personally, I've found the right-wing voices of sexism restricting women to full-time motherhood much more demeaning and full of demonic lies than anything feminists could come up with (Can't fathers stay home with the kids?). I can say that without degrading full-time mothers. You should visit some of the right-wing Christian blogs such as Tim Bayly and see the really awful things they teach about women while (mis)quoting some Bible verse to justify their position ("woman's glorious vulnerability," women are more easily deceived than men", etc.). Some of it is worse than that. On second thought, you'd be better off visiting Joyce Meyer Ministries or Kenneth Copeland Ministries for godly teaching that will build you up, not tear you down. Whatever you do, stay in touch with the Lord and He will guide you. That daily time alone with Him is the most important part of the Christian life. For books and other resources that are invaluable to your Christian walk, please visit Christians For Biblical Equality at www.cbeinternational.org.

Posted By: Kathryn | April 27, 2007 11:21 PM

I neglected to give the online addresses for the other two ministries I mentioned: Joyce Meyer at www.joycemeyerministries.org, and Kenneth Copeland Ministries (also known as Believers Voice Of Victory) at www.kcm.org.

Posted By: Kathryn | April 27, 2007 11:26 PM

Caryn,

I literally was just writing about this very thing and my own current identity crisis. Thank you for sharing and working out these issues in a place that allows for people like me to find encouragement!

This is what I just blogged: I realized that I am working towards answering the Lord's question with a sincere "Yes, I will be okay if I don't get recognized to use the gifts, passions and skills that God has given me." I have been looking at who I am as a wife, as a mother, as a friend, as a daughter and servant of the Lord and I am surprised at how much of my self-worth and identity I have been placing in being able to express myself in all of those different roles. (For instance, I love it when my son shows his independence. I think "that's MY boy!")

The crazy thing about calling the Lord my Creator and Redeemer is that really my identity comes from expressing Him. I really believe that God has instilled a vision and purpose for my life, but I am realizing that my standard of measurement of fulfilling that vision has to look much differently than I initially thought.

Posted By: Kim | April 28, 2007 5:01 PM

I'm so glad I found this post! God bless you!

I was raised by a stay at home mom, surrounded by wonderful stay home and home schooling role models. Consequently, I received a degree in education, married and proceeded to home school three children. Everyone around me told me how blessed I was, that what I was doing was right and good.

At least two years ago (I've home schooled for 9) I knew that I was failing, that being both mom and teacher was wrong for me. Still I listened to those around me who said I was already doing the right thing at home. Amen to Kathryn who says:
Personally, I've found the right-wing voices of sexism restricting women to full-time motherhood much more demeaning and full of demonic lies than anything feminists could come up with.

I'm grateful for the early years with my children, but this year they will go to school and I will return to school for a master's degree. I've discovered that my boredom and frustration here at home are doing more to damage my children than a real school might do.

Thank you for being a confirming, affirming voice at a time when I need it the most!

Posted By: Flea | April 28, 2007 9:17 PM

It is a constant struggle. I look at it this way. To keep casting our nets out there, seeking to find ways our gifts can be uses that is fulfilling.

I feel God hems us in at times for his own purposes. He uses our children and their needs to hem us in, he uses our husband's conflicting schedule, he uses job application rejection. I just pray that I fulfill what it is he wants me to do within the hedge he has erected and pray that some day he will free me for more personal fulfillment beyond the precious role of mother.

Posted By: Rosalie G | April 29, 2007 1:06 AM

I'm not a mom. But I'm married and facing much pressure from many to be one, due to my clicking biological clock. My husband would love to have a child, but in my case, I'm very reluctant. I'm serving as choir director and worship leader in my local church. It's not that I dislike children, but yes, I don't go all mushy when I see babies. Is that a sin? For not having the desire to be a mom? But truly, I think my deepest desires are veiled by my fears -- towards inlaws and my own upbringing. I think to myself, that if we were living away from my inlaws, I may just go along with the idea and just have one child, to please my husband and keep others interrogations at bay.I shutter at the sight of most women basing their identity on how their children fair in life. Or 'counting' their self-worth on how many children they have. I'm pretty lost. For in my community, childlessness almost equals worthlessness. Add to that, my husband has gone thru a few episodes of depression and now on long term medication, which contributes to my fears. I know this doesn't sound much of a comment, but outpouring...

Posted By: Jocelyn | April 29, 2007 6:46 AM

I have been desperately trying to find my identity laity. I wanted to be a stay at home Mum for a long time but now that I am (9 months now) I find I am often in need of "office time". So I have spent a lot of time recently searching for my identity in the Bible, but I wasn't getting anywhere, until God showed the following idea, which has been helpful for me.
So often we find our identity in doing rather than in who we are. I have found being a child of God is enough of an identity because we are all following in the footsteps of our father. I was looking in the Bible to see who a child of God is, but God wanted me to get to know Him so that I could act more like him & more importantly develop my relationship with Him.
How I understand the nature of God is how I try to be, act, & find my identity. What God looks like will be different to all of us (Susan- I'm also not normal)because we don't have the capacity to know him completely (1 Corinthians 13:12). So each member of the body of Christ reveals another aspect of the identity of God. As I see it that is the purpose of our identity.
From a totally different perspective there are 2 other books I have found helpful when looking for my "place": "A Hat for Ivan" by Max Lucado (never underestimate children's books)& "Woman of Destiny" by Cindy Jacobs.

Kim- Just had to say I love what you posted.

Caryn- Thank you for posting this, many books could be written dealing with what you posted. I appreciate the way you prompt useful & interesting discussion.

God bless Y'all.

Posted By: Siska | April 29, 2007 9:09 PM

Caryn--loved your article; I related to it totally! All my children are now grown and the last one flew from the nest just this weekend. However, the basis of your discomfort has touched all of us at one time or another. Whatever the "button" pushed, someone always manages to push it at the most inopportune times. Mostly when we are trying to be at our best and/or be just "who we are". Your husband did just what I think my husband would have done. What a great quality to be able to look beyond the barrage of words streaming from your mouth and seek to ease your discomfort with laughter! I feel that many (men & women alike) say things to ease their own discomfort or feelings of inadequacies. Such as this man, who realizes that in spite of your pregnancy, your role of motherhood (which is full-time in itself), role of wife and everything else combined, caused him to feel overwhelmed just thinking about it. However, those same buttons that are pushed actually do us a favor! What comes to the surface from the sometimes "hidden" depths of our hearts is now in our face and cannot be ignored any longer. We then are able to deal with them (after the steam cools and the dust settles, that is.)

I feel that so many times words like "princesses" causes our limited thinking to imagine "rich, spoiled, brats!" Which is so far from the truth of what we really are and endeavoring to be that we "reject" and "object". All of our efforts, energy and strength is put into being and displaying something totally different than that conjured image. We desire to be earth changers, trail blazers, path finders, and find ourselves digging holes; picking out the debris so that a true foundation can be built. Someone comes along and takes credit for the beautiful building on top and no one ever mentions the hard work that took place before that building could have the first board and nail ever placed anywhere.

All you daughters...keep digging, keep changing your corner of the world, and keep blazing the trails. Thank God for those people who push our buttons for without them, we would fail to deal with the geyser-like issues that those buttons have released.

Posted By: Debbie | April 30, 2007 7:38 AM

I am blessed and encouraged by sister Rosalie G's comment.
I am married with three young girls of 13, 11 and 3 years of age, and fostering two children, a boy 14 and a girl 10, which makes five. I am a secretary in a private social organisation and I work six days a week, full time from 8:00 am to 4:30 pm. You can imagine, coming home exhausted from the days activities, but still have to care for my family's needs. I love to serve God in church, having little time for the meetings, i try to help people who come for help at our office, by counselling and sharing the little i can give in time of need. But, i find I myself not doing well too, i feel am missing out on something, and I keep asking myself to give up on which, and do what better.

Otherwise i have been encouraged by sister Rosalie G's comment that;

God hems us in at times for his own purposes. He uses our children and their needs to hem us in, he uses our husband's conflicting schedule, he uses job application rejection.

I just pray that I fulfill what it is he wants me to do within the hedge he has erected and pray that some day he will free me for more personal fulfillment beyond the precious role of mother.

Posted By: Harriet | April 30, 2007 9:58 AM

Caryn-Now I'm having an identity crisis because I fear you have somehow stolen my identity! I could have written this exact post!

As for the question at the end, how do we express who we really are? One way I've been able to do that is to ask God for contentment. It's been awhile coming, but in the past year or so I've become less concerned with how others perceive me (one of those women who is a natural SAHM), and more concerned with how God perceives me. I feel much less of a need to prove that I'm worthy of someone's admiration and respect, including my own, based on what I "do."

Phil 4:10-13 has been something I've meditated on. Paul talks about the "the secret of being content in every situation." I can see why he calls it a secret because it certainly has been something I've had to work to discover. "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

Posted By: April | May 1, 2007 1:37 PM

As I reflected on this a few more minutes I want to add one thing. After the birth of my second child I expressed my struggle with this identity issue to some friends and fellow staff-members of our church. They suggested I see a counselor. They believed what I was feeling was so "outside the norm" that I needed professional help.

Thankfully, the woman I saw for couseling struggled with many of the same issues earlier in her life. She and I met for a few weeks to talk through how I was feeling. At our first meeting she pronouced me normal, but said everyone can benefit from a little counseling. So we did.

The point I'm trying to make is that in the church I believe women are silenced into saying they're happy with stay-at-home motherhood. It's this thing from Caryn's post, "You are a child of God, and that’s your identity. I’ve seen other women nod and smile in agreement at this statement." Until we in the church can allow women to be honest about their identity crisis w/o judging them as "needing counseling" this problem will persist.

Posted By: April | May 1, 2007 1:51 PM

You don't have to be a homemaker or mother to be called "mama". I too have been called mama just because I am a woman. I don't like it and I think it is inappropriate to call someone "mama" especially if they just met you. There is a reason you have a name and that is to speak to you with your name.

Thanks.

Tina

Posted By: Tina | May 1, 2007 2:31 PM

Caryn,
I can identify with your struggles as I went through similar types too when my kids were little. I didn't fit in with any women's groups at churches because all they wanted to talk about was children and housekeeping and I was interested in other things like car repair. Eventually I went back to work and put my kids in daycare, but then I started home based businesses. While I didn't have time to always play with my kids, it did teach them how to amuse themselves rather than always needing someone to entertain them like I'd seen in too many other kids their age.
Since you do freelance work, you already have a home based business which you could expand upon. Maybe having someone watch your kids for a few hours a week while you go out on client calls will give you more of a balanced sense of being. Sounds like you need to have some interaction with other adults during the week that does not revolve around kids and housework. Not all mothers are wired to be home fulltime with their kids and it impacts the way they relate to their kids. I wish my mother had worked while I was growing up. She wanted to but my dad wouldn't let her. She would have been happier and more balanced in the way she raised us had he let her.

Posted By: Rev. Carlene | May 2, 2007 6:16 PM

Your article was very thought provoking. I am now on the otherside of being a stay at home mother which I also did for a spell in my life. I presently am paid staff as an Administrator at the church I recently transferred my membership to. My baby graduates next week from high school and I am beginning to feel the loss identity of being a "mom" now to grown men who for the most part have moved out of the home into places of their own. At this stage in my life, I have come to realise that my "true identity" is who I am in private. My character and inner life helped shaped who I am as a wife, mother, and individual. My relationship with the Lord has enabled me to develop into an amazing, unique identity. I pray that when I see my Savior that He will recognize me and acknowledge me as one He knew. If He can identify me, as one of His own, then my heart will sing!

Posted By: VLH | May 3, 2007 1:51 AM

The problem I would have had with the man is that by calling me "Mama," and only "Mama," he did not see or "name" or interact with me as the unique, "stand-alone," right-there-in-front-of-him person that I am. Instead, he saw, named, and interacted with you as someone whose identity (in his mind and words) existed and was defined by virtue of the presence of the baby in your womb. "Baby" was the subject of his greeting to you, rather than you/your given name. Put more bleakly, it was as if YOU -- a God-formed, -loved, and -gifted PERSON -- were invisible to him, or he ignored YOU (if I could underline instead of CAP, I would!); instead, he related to you as a functional being (some existential philosophers would go so far as to replace the word "being" with "thing") -- the bearer of and "mama" to "baby."

If I'm onto something here, then any one of us will very likely respond negatively to some degree when someone relates to us only on the basis of our relationship to someone else, since it ignores our fundamental and Triune-God-reflecting nature and existence as persons. It may also be why many of us feel not-as-good-as-we-think-we-should when we talk about "what we do" by saying "I AM a stay-at-home MOM" (caps to emphasize defining who we are by virtue of our relationship to someone else). Perhaps a better, truer description of "what we do" would be something like "I work at home, where I manage our household, love, educate/teach, and provide spiritual and character formation to my children, love and give emotional and logistical support to my husband, and (whatever other God-given gift or talent we do as persons)." It strikes us as very odd to say something like that because we women are uniquely used to others/ourselves defining and identifying us/ourselves by our relationships to our children and spouses, rather than what we in fact do. (I imagine there are few men who would begin to describe "what they do" with "I am a working father" -- they say what they do besides being a father.) I hope you "get" that in no way am I saying that what mothers do isn't one of if not the most complex and important "jobs" in the world, or that our familial relationships shouldn't be as important as they are!

Does any of this ring true in or add clarity to anybody else's experience?

Posted By: NPTS Robin | May 3, 2007 1:42 PM

God gives us children for a reason. I've homeschooled for eleven years while working p/t on weekends. Now, the Lord wants me to put the children in school and work full-time again. Time to slip off my gym shoes and slip into pumps again. I'm ever thankful to Him for the time I spent teaching my children what He wanted them to learn from me during that period in their tiny lives. Through them God has shown me many many things about myself, good and bad. I've asked the Lord's guidance throughout. I've asked for His strength, healing and fixin' of my shortcomings. I've grown as a servent of God, woman, mother, wife, sister, daughter, ministry leader, and friend. I, too, enjoy the office. I've found that I can stay there all night many times. However, when I submitted myself to the Lord and his will for me AT PRESENT, my will for me started changing. I started to feel him beside me, loving me. I am fulfilled now. I Feel the peace that surpasses all understanding. That peace seemed so far away, so many times. I encourage you all "daughters of the great I AM", bath yourselves in his word and in prayer. I pray the Lord will show himself to all of you. I pray for peace in your hearts and souls. May our God bless you ALL. Our struggles are there for a reason, what are the reasons for yours?

Posted By: Grace | May 3, 2007 1:46 PM

Great article and interesting comments. Your sentiments, 'I love being a SAHM, but don't love being identified as one," also fit me to a tee. I've realized that, in my case at least, it's not so much that I enjoy doing other things in addition to mothering (like office work, etc). I really do love just doing the 'mom' part with my son. However, I bristle at the title because it seems to place one in the very conservative, 'complementarian' end of evangelicalism and that is a place I don't want to be. I know I would feel more joy in the title of 'SAHM' if it didn't sometimes carry all the baggage of hierarchicalism with it. Regardless of all this, though, being able to BE a SAHM with my son is one of the biggest blessings in my world and I wouldn't change my situation one bit! Blessings to all the moms out there.

Posted By: Jennifer | May 4, 2007 12:19 PM

I really appreciate this article. I have been married for 2 years, I am 32 years old, I love(!) my job, and I don't feel strong yearnings for motherhood. I often wonder if I have bought into a societal view of children as intrusive. I like my freedoms and the financial stability of two incomes. Whenever I speak to my husband about kids (he is equivally ambivalent), I find myself almost lecturing him that "children are a gift from the Lord," because I know this is what I "should" say. I LOVE my mom and I have two beautiful sisters who have great kids. I am the product of a loving Christian home, so my feelings are not the product of negative experiences in this area. I often wonder if there is something wrong with me...am I just selfish?

Posted By: Amy | May 4, 2007 2:36 PM

I think Caryn does have an Identity Crisis. When I had my daughter a friend gave me a greeting card and that said, "You are not playing any more." Mothering is a real job in life. Some people take to it easier than others. I think there are a lot of false images that mothers of young children are struggling with because these images don't match the reality of raising young children. You may have liked playing office better than playing dolls when you were a kid. But, you are all grown up now and those little kids in your home are not toys. They are little human beings that need to be nurtured by someone who is ready to embrace the challenge of meeting their needs and connecting with them. I may not relate to your problem because I've always been in the nod and smile group.

Posted By: stia | May 4, 2007 11:36 PM

Would just like to comment that I too had three children in a short span of years and stopped working as an RN to be with them. It is true, "they are only little once." I had been a clinical coordinator in a home health agency and an assistant nurse manager on a hospital unit. God provided me with an outlet when my children were very small: becoming a childbirth educator. I have been doing this one or two evenings a week for the last 14 years. Now that one child is in college and the other two in highschool, I had been thinking of pursuing a Lactation Consultant credential. For the last year or so, I have been finding out what is required, studying on my own, and going to breastfeeding seminars. Would you believe that the weekend LC at my hospital quit last month and I have been selected to train to take her place??? All of this shows me that the God of the universe knows my desires and is at work in my life. He knows we need intellectual stimulation. Home schooling my children through middle school was definitely challenging, and it was like being in college again. All this to say, please treasure those early years of nurturing your family, because very soon they will become more independent and you will have opportunities outside of the home. But your children need their mom's attention in their early years for a foundation on which to build.

Posted By: virtuous | May 5, 2007 8:07 AM

thank you for such an honest reflection. When I've heard that inner conflict mentioned before, it's then overshadowed by talk of 'children need you' and 'it's so worth it'. While these comments are well meaning and may be correct, they also minimize how hard this transition (identity)can be, especially for women who feel especially fulfilled by their career. It makes it harder when husbands can't relate, either.

Posted By: kate | May 6, 2007 12:07 AM

What a beautiful conversation to be reading as a 25 year old. I am not married, no kids, but am very much answering and anticipating all of these identity issues. In fact, I am going to be the "female" voice in a so far all male discussion about "Discovering Your Life." The premise is that by understanding your design one can live the biggest, most potent, fullest life God designed for each person. In essence, being the best version of yourself for the greatest benefit in the Kingdom. This for the guys discussion is tied to finding a vocation most directly. The guys are realizing they need to be asking the question WHO am I before they can answer the question WHAT am I supposed to do. But as I unpack the info from my female perspective, I am finding that women have been asking the WHO question for as long as we can remember. All that to say, has anyone found that understanding their design through tools like Myers Briggs, Strengths Finder, Enneagram, or Multiple Intelligence has helped answer, validate or inform any of these identity questions? The reason I ask this, is to see if it would make a difference for college girls to be better understanding their design earlier. And, by design I mean their design as an individual, not JUST as a believer or JUST as a woman. Any feedback would be incredibly helpful.

Posted By: Blakely | May 6, 2007 12:45 AM

Recently, I was backed in a corner concerning my identity as a human being verses all the other roles thrushed upon me. I am an Assistant Pastor's wife and called into the office of Evangelist. Yes, I have been hit double but God has provided a save haven in the presence of his heart. There is an identity crisis when we allow others to dictate our every being. When we began to focus on who God says we are and not allow ourselves identify by our titles, we are more apt to be calm in our spirit when life throws us so much crap. Yes, my life was full of ugly distastful horrible things, but they don't ID me. My children, my husband, my church, my job or my relatives don't ID me, God does. I have been forced to trust God to give me the wisdom to handle every task with good measure. I am made, we are made in the likeness of Christ therefore let now weapon for against you prosper. God has done a good work in all of us.... Walk in it.

God Bless You, Carolotta

Posted By: Carolotta A. Forester-Langford | May 6, 2007 7:43 PM

I identified with the article. I'm a 32-year-old SAHM of 4- and 2-year-old girls. I'm also homeschooling. Before kids, I got my degree, worked, started a business, worked some more... I'm a very performance-driven person, and I struggled with boredom the first couple of years after becoming a mom. It helped me to remember, however, that God calls us to sacrifice. Is there a job that might be more immediately gratifying than changing diapers or washing load after load of laundry? Certainly! But God had given me my assignment, and in His strength I would do it. That may sound overly dramatic, but, well, it was/is a deep, heartfelt struggle for me. And it has all come down to my attitude. Having children has taught me so much about self-denial and living a life of service. I'm a better person now--still need ALOT of work, but better. Praying to God for strength, wisdom, courage and patience has been the most help in getting over the intial shock of "just" being a mother.

I've also asked myself this question: if I went back to work, would it be just to get away from my kids, because I'm bored, because I'm looking for my self-worth in what I do, or is it because I can genuinely do more good for others by working outside the home than by staying home? In my case, I've decided I can do more good by being a SAHM and being active in church, in my neighborhood, etc. Plus I just rather enjoy staying at home now! I think the answer will be different for everyone, though, but must come from a heart submitted to God.

Posted By: Amy M. | May 7, 2007 12:42 AM

I think I understand Caryn's problem while disagreeing with her at the same time. Is it possible that the man called you 'mama' because he also has an identity crisis? Let's face it, maybe his mum never had time for him 'cos she was so busy working and he sees in you what he missed out on! Perhaps she was never there for him and he's relating to you on that basis - calling you mum might make him feel good inside!! How about that!

I was a SAHM for about four years and I had an identity crisis because in the society I live in (African), if you're a woman who doesn't have a career, it probably means you're uneducated. Things have changed al lot since then. During that period, my hubbie's business blossomed and bloomed. All his business contacts I met who didn't know me earlier felt I was at home 'cos I just couldn't fit into the corporate world due to my lack of education.

Easing my way back in to the world of work, first part-time and full time eventuality helped my self-esteem. Now that my children are teenagers, I really want to grow my own business and have more time for my home although the children are away in school. Talk about going round in circles!!

Posted By: Mary Paintsil | May 8, 2007 6:38 AM

Caryn, I really appreciate your article. I am not a wife or a mother, but when my friends see me with children they inevitably comment on how I am such a 'natural mother'. They also know my strong desire to have children. I wasn't the little girl playing office or even playing dolls; I was the little girl regularly looking after the younger children. Even though I have no children of my own, 'mothering' is so much a part of who I am.

Yet, when I watch my friends who are staying at home with their kids, I have such admiration. Even though I can't imagine not one day being a stay-at-home mom, I still think it is a huge challenge. Even though there is such a draw to this precious time with young children, I will still struggle to leave my career. Even if I keep working a few hours a week, it will not be the same as having a full-time career. All of this is just to say, I admire you and the many other stay-at-home moms who have put their career aside, at least for the time being, in order to invest in not only your own children, but also their friends! May God Bless each of you richly giving you contentment, joy and purpose along with the identity He longs for you to have!

Posted By: Kaye S | May 11, 2007 2:25 PM

Wow, this is certainly a topic that I am struggling with now. I read a comment that summed up how I felt, about not getting mushy around babies, although I enjoy them fine. I'm seriously praying about this because I'm in a real quandary...

Posted By: Katherine | May 11, 2007 5:07 PM

I am 25 years old, am not married, and don't have any children. While I feel compassion for Caryn and how she is feeling unfulfilled in her life, there is something about what she wrote about that just leaves me with an upset feeling. What is it about our culture and our thinking that now being called "Mama" is some kind of *insult*? I just can't understand this. It seems like there is really something wrong! My mother stayed at home with us kids for many of my childhood years, and I can't tell you how valuable that was to my life. Why don't women feel proud anymore to be a stay-at-home mother? I honestly think that this problem has something to do with the changes that have happened in our society where women feel that in order to be valued, they need to try to be more like men--to "compete" with men--instead of realizing the unique power and the value that they have as women. There is so much virtue and importance in who God made women to be and also in what mothers do--it's so incredibly vital. I don't want to sound like a stereotypical sermon or anything, but I honestly mean this from my heart: To me, motherhood is like a cornerstone of our society! It is truly imparting the values and character of the next generation and determining what the future of the world will be like. How could there be anything more important than that! That is not to say that women can't do this and also have a career, but it *is* to say that to be a stay-at-home Mom is something that should not be considered a second-class career! In my view, there is so much importance that God has given to women--a special ability to nurture, to comfort, to affect and create atmospheres, to encourage...it's not that men cannot do these things, but women have a special grace to do them. (Men have speical graces in other areas.) I think we should be proud of who we are as women. Don't get me wrong, I don't have any problem with women who want to pursue a career outside the home--I think that women certainly can and do make many diverse, valuable contributions to our society--with motherhood in my view being one of the most important. I just wish that there wasn't so much pressure on women to change their roles in order to feel more fulfilled, but instead it would be great to see more honor given to womanhood and to motherhood for what it is--so that women can be women and feel good about who they are--career or no career.

Posted By: Jenny | May 11, 2007 9:57 PM

I was not able to have children, so cannot relate to the "issues" you are all struggling with. I would suggest, however, that you all spend more of your time remembering that as mothers, you ARE engaged in THE most important job on the planet, preparing the next generation for life and leadership. Have you forgotten how huge this is?! Do what you have to to feed your personal needs and interests, but stop wasting your time with reflection and struggle, and school your minds! Take to heart thinking on "whatsoever things are lovely. . . etc." That wasn't a polite suggestion by Paul, it was a mandate! Just do it!

And FYI, you can also school your emotions. The bottom line is that you feel the way you do because on some level you choose to do so (unless you are clinically depressed). Ask any psychologist. And then, just stop it. :>)

Posted By: Linda | May 14, 2007 8:46 PM

I wanted to comment on this article earlier today but I break out in hives every time I hear the word 'sexist' so I had to rush upstairs and take a hit of benadryl...I think I'm ok now.

While your candor is admirable, I'd have to say that your conclusions are not. (And yes, the answer is ego.) Your language, the clashing agendas, the shadow of secular philosophy, they all come together to form a rather unflattering picture of a disappointed feminist dressed up in an ill-fitting church mom suit. Trust me, it's not a great look for you.

Posted By: marilyn | May 14, 2007 11:25 PM

I understand the feeling of having lost yourself in being mom, after having a career and feeling like you were contributing so much before. I agree with those who remind you that being a mom is the most rewarding and most important "job" you will ever have, and you will find that peace you are looking for if you'll look to God more and to the lost career less. I by choice was a stay at home mom until my youngest was in 1st grade then went to work as a substitute teacher so I could have the same schedule as my children with the flexibility of being able to stay at home without jeopardizing my "job" when they were ill. I find now that they are grown and no longer needing me as they did, I miss being known only as _____'s mom. I find however that everything I experienced then has shaped who I am now and was part of the process God had used to mold my giftings into something He could use more effectively. Every thing we experience can be for His glory when we embrace it and quit resisting where He has us at this time. You'll be glad you were there for them, I know they are glad you are. As far as the gentleman calling you mama--he may have thought it was your first and you were looking forward to hearing it. And I'm sure God wanted to bring to the surface what you were feeling inside so He could help you work through it. If it lies concealed it can't be healed. Thank Him that you have a husband to share the financial load so you can have the luxury of being at home, and thank yourself for doing the laundry, dishes, etc. One day the house will be empty and you'll long for these days again. Then come the grandchildren and you realize how much you enjoyed being at home with the children, and how the job found someone to replace you BEFORE you were gone, but you are truly indispensible and irreplaceable in your family's livesm, and they will never be able to replace you. What you instill in them now will shape their future and the future of many of their friends. The more involved you are now the more they'll come around and share their lives once they are grown. As a Pastor I now have the unique privilege of being there for my grandchildren and for my children and I touch the lives of countless stay at home moms who are so often belittled by society for not contributing. Shaping them into productive individuals will impact the world. Mama is a highly respected and envied title especially by those who cannot have children and want them so badly. Don't ever forget Noah preached and worked over 100 years and only his family was saved in the flood. God's way of reminding us whatever we do be sure we do it to the building of our family unit and others will benefit but never as much as we ourselves. Finally, for those moms who must work and enjoy it but frustrate over the missed ball games and special events because they must choose between the child's event and the job, you also are to be commended, and reminded you are also precious in your family's eyes and will be respected for the sacrifices you make to work. Having cared for a grandchild so the mother could complete her education and enter the workforce with a college degree, I saw the teary eyes as she had to leave her infant early in the morning, I also so the glow when she returned and her daughter was so very excited to see her mom. It's a struggle regardless of the choice made. Work it through and find what God has called you to then do it. And in the meanwhile enjoy the journey.

Posted By: Wendy | May 15, 2007 6:11 AM

For those of you who don't "get mushy" over babies - I'll tell you what my aunt told me as a teenager when I said the same thing: it's different when they are yours! It's true!

I am struggling with Caryn's question "How do you think Christian women...ought to be expressing just what type of princesses we really are?" and have been for 5 years (when my oldest was born). I go back and forth between yearning for a "position" outside of the home (in church or work but something with set responsibilities) and thinking I should throw myself whole-heartedly into motherhood. But I've spent all my pre-baby years saying I do NOT want to be child-focused like my mom, and also being told how smart I am and how I should use that in the workplace.

Then I have kids and start thinking more about what God says about family and kids (imagine doing that!) and I find that hey, I have a responsibility here! And the more I hear about screwed up people the more I realize that kids need their mommy and daddy.

Now my question is: exactly what do my kids need from me? If I'm around my kids all day but continually frustrated by not being able to exercise my gifts, what am I teaching my kids?

So to answer Caryn's question, I think how we express ourselves as God's children HAS TO be unique to us. Gal. 6:4-5 "Each one should test his own actions, then he can take pride in himself without comparing himself to someone else, for each one should carry his own load." So I will continue to try to figure out what God requires of me apart from my own biases and the opinions of others...may God bless the rest of you as you do the same!

Posted By: Mrs Ruz | May 16, 2007 10:19 AM

This is for Jocelyn. Trust me; you are not alone in your feelings. When I read your post, I saw many of the same exact feelings that I am currently processing. And yes, I am under a lot of pressure and evaluation as well. I don't have an answer for you. But, I can say that I am looking at my own marriage and considering marriage counseling before we take that next large step.

Posted By: Alison | May 25, 2007 10:23 AM

What a round of comments, I understand the thoughts and feelings.
I raised three daughters, two married and one still at home in high school.
Some advise I can give; Remember you are born a women first, given life by our Holy God. In your life you were given gifts and personality befitting what he would call you to all your life, different for each season. When I was raising my daughters most of the time I was working at home as a domestic engineer. The later part working outside my home fulltime. God has and will for you too, provide areas of ministry to use your gifts and talents be it in the church or in the work place. When my daughters were growing up they would long to be 5 when they were 4, 10 when they were 9 and so on. Just as many of your children do. We responded consistantly; be 9 the whole year you are 9 because when your birthday comes you will no longer be 9, there are so many wonderful things you can have and do when you are 9 that you won't be able to have again when you are 10, when you turn ten you will have more responsiblity and things will come to you that will be good for you then. I know this is simplistic yet reality. The years you spend investing in the future with your children whether you stay at home, work outside the home while raising your family or a combination of both, I encourage you to treasure the time you are currently in and relax, enjoy the things that come to you now where you are at, LEARN and MATURE so that you will be fit for the next season of responsiblity and joy. I have encouraged my daughters to learn where they are at, every season is a time of growth and maturity, preparing us for the next, if we skip to the next season without learning from the present we miss something vital and find dissatisfaction. It may be satisifying for today to jump into the next season because we LOVE instant gratification, however, you will find great satisifaction and PEACE in the proper timing. I encourage you to use the same talents you have for CFO,CEO, Management with your family, set up a fun way to teach children about finance, organize your home finances, teach your children about character how important this is life, teach them a World Vison, so they understand the world they live in not just the every advertised world of Hollywood and much more. The whole world scene, the instant gratification, you are nothing if you are not a stay at home mom, or a Career woman, or you aren't a size 6 or you don't drive an SUV, or your kids not in music! or sports! wow what a pack of lies we choose to get caught up in. When you have children, whether you work at home or out of the home the children are a gift and you took on the responsiblity of that contract with GOd when you had these children. When that season is done you will walk into the next. When you married and said "I do" you also took that "repsoniblity of a contract of marriage" with God and Man (your hubby. God designed marriage so the two of you would compliment each other and SERVE a Holy God together in a way you couldn't alone. Perhaps in your present place it would be good to seek your Heavenly Father for direction. Honestly, often I seek him looking for confirmation to my desires not really looking for his will. (sad huh!)I encourage you to be where you are today, yes, looking with great anticipation and hope to the next place, but certainly GROW with the resources and enjoy what you have today. If tomorrow my children, husband and career were gone who would I be??? A woman created in the image of a HOLY GOD to bring glory and honor to him no matter where or what today brings.

Posted By: Lori | May 25, 2007 12:30 PM

Having been a mom and am now a grandmother (just call me Nana!), I came of age and parenting during the 70's when all issue of woman, mother, career, the importance of self, and "getting in touch with ourselves" was the social agenda of the day.

What a waste of time, effort, and emotion I went through trying to justify and figure out "who I am". We have no greater role model to look towards than the Mother of God ("Theotokos" in Greek) when we get caught up in the presumptuousness of having to have an "identity". She is the Mother of God and yet there is so little written about her in the scriptures. She was the FIRST to accept Christ, but was "least". But as typical of the "least", she was so important to Christ that when He was dying on the cross He ensured that she would be cared for and gave her to His beloved apostle, thereby giving her to all of us.

You are who you are in sacred time and place of where you are now. Do not attempt to break apart and pigeon hole the jobs and "callings" that you have. We are to be all things to all people. Humble yourself, be not offended. It is not what that man called you, but how you responded to him that defines who you are.

Our society demands that we have to be SOMEBODY. To that man, it was important that you were a mama and all that it represented to him. That made you SOMEBODY to him, no matter how he meant it. Accept what he was giving you as if it was from God Himself (because it was ~ it always is).

Posted By: Alison, too! | May 25, 2007 12:54 PM

Well I hope this isn't redundant..but I too feel conflicted...more so because I have these expectations of my own parents that I seem to fail to live up to every single day... Before I was saved, I was a single mom looking after my son and working a full time job and also I took on a huge commitment off my parent's backs and have been trying to manage that into a new marriage and a recently added son to the family...while I understand that my parents don't have a godly perspective on things, with me home with the boys and wanting to start to live my own life, away from my parent's constant criticism and open disappointments...I feel so torn between being a godly wife, godly mother, godly woman and then a godly daughter....I've become so emotionally down these last few months and since due to finances and a financial committment I took over for my parents, we are living with them and I feel trapped, completely don't know who I am most of the time and just plain disappointed in myself.

Posted By: Lynda | December 28, 2007 1:39 PM

I've just read through this article and Ive found it very very interesting. Its such a shame that the posts have stop as I keen to understand other people views. Im currently writing a book on this tpoic and welcome any more comments

Posted By: John | March 9, 2011 2:17 PM

Caryn, you ask "How do you think Christian women like us, who wear so many hats and exhibit such varied gifts ought to be expressing just what type of princesses we really are?"
I think we ought to do it with a whole lot of grace and not so much self focus. Turn your eyes outward and see all the opportunities to learn and see and do. The older I get (and I'm to the almost Grandma stage) the more I realize that God cares less about what I do (my roles) and more about who I be. The "isness" of right now. Life has all sorts of phases, and in some of them we feel more important and aware of our gifts being used. But the truth is that I have learned a lot more about myself in the times when God stretches me out of my comfort zone, out of what I perceive as my giftedness and into areas in which I never expected to function. It is in those times that I have learned the most about God, too. I am at peace when I just accept the place in space and time that I currently function. No shaking my fist at God. Just content to be. (In whatever state I am!)

Posted By: Jeb | March 9, 2011 2:50 PM

One other thought comes to mind, why are we women offended at being called, "Mama" or "Mom", but men (in my experience) are not offended if they are called "Dad" or "Pops"? Just wondering...
As to the title "Mom", I think we ought to wear it like a crown. It's a wonderful title and many women would love to own it, but circumstances have not allowed for it. So, while we don't shove it in people's faces and gloat over it, we also should not be ashamed to wear it or be troubled by it. Wear it with as much pride as you would wear a Ph.D or hard earned job title. Wear it like the blessing that it is. Work hard at being the best at it you can be, and Remember "I will not have a temper tantrum nor stomp across the floor-
I will not pout, scream or shout or kick against the door-
I will not throw my food around or pick upon another-
I'll always try to be real good because I am the Mother..."

Posted By: Jeb | March 9, 2011 3:09 PM

When I am confronted with injustice that makes me angry, usually it is initially self-centered. I have to work through that to realize God is the final Arbiter and Judge. It helps me also to remember my own sin and God's mercy on me.

The above process happens over and over again. I don't have a quick fix or solution that solves future difficulties once and for all.

I can also identify with not feeling like a child of God or not feeling as a child of God should feel for the privilege of being a child of God.

In both above cases, the crux is whether I believe what God says or not. With me on such points it is a matter of ongoing struggle, thought, and sometimes, victory.

I realize too that my struggles may not be unique, although not every Christian struggles with the same issues or the same issues to the same degree. Life is a test. Will I believe what God says or not?

Posted By: Stephen | June 29, 2011 11:24 AM

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