Marriage vs. Ministry?
May 25, 2007 |
When I went into full-time ministry, I feared my children would resent church if I gave too much time or energy to it. I had stayed home for 11 years and when my youngest son Trent was in kindergarten, I decided to move into vocational ministry. I began a leadership role at Willow Creek Community Church outside of Chicago. It was a challenging transition, but surprisingly, the person who took the greatest hit was my husband. To make sure my kids were not affected by my work, I made sure my schedule was flexible and that I could drop them off and pick them up from school. Also, if they were sick or out of school, I worked from home. Each day, I would help with the homework, make them a snack, cook dinner, and then set out the clothes for the next morning. I was exhausted but the kids seemed happy.
Now if you asked my husband about those early years of ministry, he may have painted a different picture.
He would acknowledge that I was good at keeping the kids happy but when the kids would get into bed, I would often have little energy for him. He could barely get me to converse let alone be up for romance. I was not making our marriage the priority it needed to be and we were both struggling. It was not long until we realized that it was far more important that our children see us happy together, spending time with each other, and also seeing moments of tenderness and romance, than to have their clothes laid out on their beds every night. A change had to be made.
We committed to three practices and one value. We started by spending some time at the end of each work day sitting on the couch together talking. We made sure the kids did not interrupt that time. It became know as our "Mom and Dad time." We also committed to weekly dates together. Since he had a flexible schedule, we made them Friday afternoons. Those times were sacred.
To insure we held the romance sacred we also instilled the practice of the "3 B's." The kids understood that after bedtime they were not to knock on our door unless someone is "bleeding, broken, or something is burning". I once heard my eight-year-old daughter explaining to my middle daughter, "I think mommy and daddy are romanticking." I hope they did not hear anything disturbing behind the closed doors!
The value we kept in the center of our lives was that of forgiveness. We never went to bed angry and we always asked for forgiveness even from our kids. Grudges have never been allowed. I have always struggled with the notion that you are never to argue in front of your kids. How will they learn to forgive if they do not see it modeled? Now having said that, I do not believe that you call each other names and be cruel to one another. However, the occasional disagreement, even an intense one, can help the kids know that Mom and Dad will "work it out" and in the end there will be a commitment to love and forgiveness.
My children are now ages 23, 20, and 18, and I am proud to say that first of all God is a God of grace. We all make parenting mistakes and we sure have made our share. I am also glad to tell you that I am blessed to have three kids who love God and ministry. Instead of resenting my ministry for taking time away from them, they are really proud of what God has done through me. My son Trent wants to pursue ministry to youth as a pastor. A couple of years ago, my oldest daughter told me she is really picky about the guys she dates because the bar has been set so high for her. She said, "You guys have made this hard on me. There is no way I would ever be with someone who did not love me as much as you and Dad love each other." Then she said the best thing of all, "I want a marriage like yours." It does not get any better than that!
Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on May 25, 2007
Comments
This is an apt reminder. I am completing my undergrad to go to seminary and pursue a career in vocational ministry, hopefully as a pastor. My children are grown, so that is not an issue, but I know I need to make sure my husband is not shut out and that I spend enough time with him.
Sometimes when I'm studying, he's afraid to come into the den because he doesn't want to disturb me. I've had to ask the Lord to help me with an attitude (inward at least) of annoyance when I'm in the middle of work and study and am distracted by him.
We can have the greatest most effective ministry in the world, but if we fail to minister to our family, what is it worth?
Peace.
Posted by: Ivy Gauvin on May 25, 2007
thank God for the work done over there j would like to open up friendship with you pastor and the church jam pastor Wilson living in Uganda Africa. God is using us to preach the gospel and people are accepting Jesus Christ as there savior
hoping to hear from you soon
l am
Pastor k, Wilson
Posted by: pr.wilson on May 26, 2007
I agree! To minister to many but at the cost of ministering to those first entrusted to us is backwards. It is a bit like trying to build the house from the top down and the foundation not yet laid. OR even building it all right from the bottom up then dismantling it brick by brick. Hard as it is to not immerse myself in "ministry" meaning outside my home, I want to be a wise woman building my house and not tearing it down with my own hands. So this is an area I hve to pay attention to. And yes, not just my kids, but
my husband (marriage) too.
Thanks!LG
Posted by: Lea Glennon on May 26, 2007
Does it really have to be either or? How about the concept of a 'ministry marraige'? As a single what frustrates me about all the dialogue on this issue is I get the impression that this is a 'light bulb' issue after the fact of marraige for alot of people.
Truthfully maybe many women just marry the wrong partners, period. But because marraige is a covenant and as christians we honor God we work it out. Better to role play and ask ALOT of questions about this issue before you marry.
Posted by: Staci on May 27, 2007
I thank Andre for being so real about her feelings, but recognizing the fact that after God, her husband and family is ministry, which she did not neglect. As she also said that discussing neatly between her husband and herself, is a good thing to talk about in the presence of the children, so they will not get a false idea of marriage, and I quite agree with that. Her marriage is a wonderful example of "marriage and ministry".
Many married leaders have been putting "ministry" first place, and oftentimes neglect their spouses and children which is a very sad mistake. God bless.
Posted by: Abigail on May 27, 2007
Perhaps Gods word has the solution for this marriage vs ministry conflict you are struggling with?
1Ti 2:11-13
Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence. For Adam was first formed, then Eve.
Anna
Posted by: Anna on May 28, 2007
This is definitely not an "either or" situation, but rather a "both and" situation that is all too common for sure. Being called to a vocation of strengthening marriage and family life while living out this important vocation myself I find it is a constant balancing act. My strategy is simply prayer.
I find the balance is just as it should be when I begin each day entrusting myself, family, and work to the Lord. I am so often wonderfully amazed at what becomes of my day as a result. Entrusting reminds me that God is in charge and can make the day great for my beloved family, work, and myself!
Let's keep looking to HIm ladies!
Warm regards,
Chris
Posted by: Chris on May 28, 2007
Anna, You would'nt be a 'King James only' independent baptist would you? Your smug response sounds suspiciously familiar.
Marilyn
Posted by: marilyn on May 28, 2007
Here at our church in Japan, we are discovering the power of family ministry. We have four children, ages 16, 13, 11, and 9, whom we are homeschooling as my husband and I pastor. They are a vital part of our ministry team, each one making a unique contribution. The two older girls teach English to kindergarten and early elementary kids, and the younger two staff our Wednesday kids play afternoon. We also have an English Sunday school class that they run. They are all role models for the many young children here at the church, who always come looking for them whenever they arrive at the church building where we live. For our family, ministry is a family affair, where everyone is involved together. Of course, sometimes we need to pull back from ministry to spend family-only time together, and that is our weak area. But the kids keep us on the straight and narrow, reminding us that we need some down time! Our family team concept seems to have an positive impact on people that we were not expecting, as it demonstrates the power of together and gives an authentic example of a family surrendering to Christ, recognizing our own inadequacy to live apart from God's grace. We are certainly not perfect, but we don't try to pretend to be.
Posted by: Kathy Oyama on May 30, 2007
All the comments are accepted and fair. I appreciate each ones views. As for my husband and I, I am the full time Pastor and my husband is a Police Officer. We have agreed that we will always make room (with respect to each others career) to keep our marriage holy and acceptable as unto the Lord. No, I'm not Baptist but a blood bought Christian following the word of God to the Letter, crossing each "T" and dotting each "i". Thank you for sharing. Our children range from 27 to 40.
Posted by: Deborah on May 30, 2007
I am in Ministry which started just last year August in Kenya. This article has build me up and I hope it will help me in my ministrial work. Being one of the Lady Ministers who have lost their marriages because of ministry i feel encouraged to move on. My husband left immediately he realized that the Ministry is deep in me. Therefore i would request that you remember me in your prays and encouragements daily. To help me stand as a single parent of three duaghters and a Minister of the Lord Jesus Christ. Friend, it is the toughtest thing in life to experience a devorce because of Spiritual issues because the world will never understand. God bless you as I become part of you in Ministry. God bless you and may he do you good always.
Posted by: Rev. Sherry on May 31, 2007
Oh, Andrea, how I thank you for this post. What a complete blessing to me! (And, as a wife and mother of 3...I'll definitely implement the 3B rule.)
I'll never forget the poignant moment when I realized that my ministry had taken priority over my man.
The day was coming to a close. I was exuberant with some really great news that I was so excited to share with my husband. As I began talking expressively, I noticed how quiet he was so I asked...What's wrong, honey? To which he replied...
Where do I fit into all this?
Incidentally, I don't remember the news that was so exciting regarding my ministry but I do remember his question. And...
May I never forget.
Posted by: Pink Collar Club on May 31, 2007
we've been living a different life situations, and we are doing pretty well with the ministry entrusted to us, may it ever reminds us that there is no single formula in tracing the puzzles in life, it is the continual guidance of His Spirit that brought us to where we are now and will be leading us tomorrow.in my case i've a secular work, im a teacher.As long as i know that God wants me to stay i'll be living confidently knowing He is pleased to see me where i am.
Ladies..God is with us, it will be through our fruits that we'll be judged.The good works and the souls we lead to Christ are fruits and i thank God that we are reminded today that our kids and husbands are souls too!and our ministries includes them..
philippines
Posted by: annalou on June 2, 2007
Anyone have any thoughts on how to keep family first when you are a single woman in full-time ministry? I don't have a husband or kids yet and my immediate family members live all over the world in various missions/ministry settings. I don't want ministry to take over my life but I struggle to keep work/ministry from doing just that.
Posted by: Bekah on June 7, 2007
I have simliar concerns Bekah although most of my family are either not christians or are struggling ALOT in their walk.Only when I show up from out of town are they implied to do anything about it but then they fall into the same pattern of laxity and or subtle persecution of me and the church. Then I breath a sigh of relief and leave again. Being single has its blessings at times definately!
I do get weary of this though.
Posted by: Cheryl on June 8, 2007
For ALL in ministry -
What you believe is more important than what you feel;
What you know is more important than what you believe;
What God says is more important than what you know.
God's gifts and His call are given without repentance; if He calls we must follow for Jesus said "Follow me and I will make you fishers of men." Following God's call is costly; for Jesus, it cost him His life. It can be difficult to balance but over time with prayer and diligence it can all come together for good so don't give up.
Posted by: Barbara on June 8, 2007
In the article Andrea says she was so exhausted with ministry and household duties that she didn't have enough time or energy for her husband. I can't help to wonder why there's no mention of her husband being asked to help. There would have been more time and energy for other things had duties been shared. For some reason, women still think it makes them a bad wife/mom if they don't continue to do everything themselves. This is sad and unrealistic. God would not place gifts in a woman He did not want her to use. And in marriage the two become one. That means you're his helper and he is yours also. God created men and women equal but different and different does not mean of less value, weak, etc. Anything beyond this is a matter of ego and one the Bible in no way supports.
To the sister (Anna) that provided us with the quote - I encourage you to investigate the Bible yourself without the influence of church doctrine that is not always Bible-based. If you believe woman is to simply 'be quiet', you also believe that God would rather speak through the mouth of a donkey than of a human being whom He Himself created in His image.
Posted by: Jaehun on June 8, 2007
I was waiting for that verse to be taken out of its historical context to tell us all to shut up.
Jaehun, that was a beautiful way of explaining it. Thank you.
I'm in "secular" work in a hospital. Dealing with people exhausts me and I go home wondering how I'll be able to do what needs doing for my family, but God's grace is great.
Posted by: Mommynator on June 11, 2007
In a day and age where the institution of marriage is under attack and many of our youth are the victims of divorce, its refreshing to see a believer recognize the profound effect their marriage has on their children. Not only do the children benefit from being raised in a secure, balanced environment, they also learn good conflict management skills and develop good relational skills. I pray every couple- those who are married and those who intend to get married realize how important it is to model a godly marriage to a generation that no longer sees the purpose in marrying.
Posted by: DaKingsKid on June 11, 2007
I am just a 'beginner' in the ministry. My husband and I co-pastor a pioneering church. I thank God for this topic's clarion call to us, women. One gift God has given us is the gift of leadership as well. It's just designed in a different way from men's leadership.
I praise God for all who are doing a great job in balancing family and ministry. YOU ARE AN INSPIRATION TO ME, Sis Kathy O!.
Thank God for the courage of Rev.Sherry to go on despite a painful bout with divorce-what a price you paid! Go on, woman of God! We can find His strength while we stay on our knees! May the Lord do good to you as well.
As for our sister Anna, you probably have been quoted this verse before and have not been explained clearly what it really meant.Peace be unto you Sis!
May the God of all grace add His increasing grace upon us (James 4:6) as we continue to be gracious to one another.
Andrea, thank you for the three Bs! They are great!
Greetings to all from your sister in China.
Posted by: June on June 11, 2007
Somebody please explain what that verse means that I in fact quoted from the bible, and not from any other source. The word of God, simple unembellished
Posted by: anna on June 12, 2007
Well I decided to respond to one persons comment. She was wondering if my husband helps with the household duties even when my kids were small. In the spirit of Fathers Day I wanted to say a big YES he did and does. Rex is an amazing help and we do the household thing 50/50. In fact I have not wash dishes in years that is a part he enjoys. Overall I am completely supported.
I know he feels supported too.
Blessings
Posted by: andrea Minor on June 17, 2007
As a Southern Baptist woman in the ministry for 26 years now, I can firmly say God calls women to minister! And when He calls, you can do nothing else but follow! Praise God! I have the added blessing of having a husband who truly understands love and the role of a husband. He has supported me and encouraged me to go beyond anything I would have dared to do. Our marriage has become a testimony of God's love and His plan for marriage because of my husband's faithfulness and understanding.
Our marriage has been made better because of the ministry b/c if I had not followed the call, we would have both been living in disobedience. I was created to serve, the ministry has allowed me to become the person I was meant to be.
Our 2 children grew up with their mom in the ministry. It's not always been easy. I've tried to give them space to be themselves instead of being just a minister's kid. I have included them in serving God and their lives have been made rich because of it. I have always gone back to something Beth Moore said to me 12 years ago, "If my children don't think I"m genuine, no one else's opinion matters. No amount of success in ministry will make up for failure at home." I remind myself that my children and my husband are my first field of ministry.
Anna, I'm not going to argue with you although I could give you multiple scriptures to explain the verse. I am going to say Jesus called the unexpected to do His work when He called the disciples...He still does. When He calls, our role is to follow in obedience.
Posted by: deb on June 19, 2007
I have had the pleasure of working with both Andrea and Rex at Calvary Community Church for the past 1-1/2 years. I can testify that their marriage is one of the best that I know of. Their 3 children are wonderful examples of being raised in a house where God comes first and the lines of communication are open. (And, I've heard that Rex is a wonderful dish-washer!) :-)
Posted by: Cindy on June 25, 2007
I have been encouraged by these postings. I am a newly licensed minister and since that day I have sufferd many persecutions from my family, but it hurt the worse coming from my husband. I felt that he went from Mr. Jeckle to Mr. Hyde. After months and months of turmoil and torrent, I had to come to the understanding that what my husband needed the most (other than God) was me. He needed my attention. I like Andrea tried to balance my children and ministry and trying to make sure they were not neglected, but all my husband received was a too tired wife who did not invest in him physically and emotionally. I am still in the midst of my grand testimony, but I know and my hope is in God, I know all that the enemy has made for my bad, God will make for good and my trials come to perfect me. So I encourage all to keep pressing forward, not to lose focus on God, he will show us the path. The steps of a righteous man are ordered by the Lord!!
Posted by: Sunicka on October 8, 2007
Dear Partners
Greetings.
The Douglas World Evangelistic Ministry Which to Invite you to Her National Meeting On UNDERSTANDING THE PURPOSE OF MARRIAGE,This Dec 16 2007.
We Pray that the Lord will Minister to Your Heart to be Our Guest.
Hope to Hear from You Soon.
Pastor & Mot Ezekiel N.Douglas.
+2316527978.
Posted by: Ezekiel Douglas on November 18, 2007
This is in response to Anna's comment a few months ago. Here's Anna's comment:
1Ti 2:11-13
Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence. For Adam was first formed, then Eve.
Anna
Anna, the key is to STUDY the Bible, not just read it. If you just read it, then you will miss the fact that the verse you quoted was in a letter written to Titus to encourage and instruct him about the problems they were having in the Cretan church. Among other groups/issues, there were unruly women and false doctorine being preached. This instruction is for them. He was simply instructing Titus how to handle the disruptions and problems in the struggling church. They were influenced by the area, which has a mix of all kinds of people with different values doing all kinds of different things. It might have been something like living in Vegas and accepting gambling as commonplace simply because a lot of people do it in that area.
God does call women to preach, teach and lead His people. I believe a woman can be the preacher/leader God calls her to be in her ministry, while her husband is the spiritual leader/head in her home. A man will have to be spiritually strong, confident and understand what God has entrusted him to do - be a responsible leader of the one (his wife) the Lord has charged to carry and deliver His Word. The balance is sometimes hard to accomplish.
Posted by: Kathryn on January 23, 2008
Hi all. First I want to encourage the Pastor with the bout of divorce. How painful it must have been and maybe still is, but just hold on---even that will pass. Don't judge judge yourself either, or think about what is done. It's done and its over. May God bless you, and hold fast to His hand and also pray for the one you're not with anymore. It's your greatest release.
Secondly I wish that all women including myself will have the courage to be honest before they marry and not be disobedient, and reason with the Lord about a partner, if they know that the call of God is upon their lives.
I pray for peace for us that are still single, maybe sitting with the prospect of marriage and ministry like me, and I wish those who are happily married well. And those that are not, know that God loves all of us, even the man you may think is the problem. So trust Him to give both of you a better day---wether that is a divorce or a marriage make-over!
God bless and all my love and peace to you all. E!
Posted by: E! on February 6, 2008
Ok here is the flip side to being married to a minister. I am the wife! My husband and I were married almost 20 years when God called him into the ministry. Talk about life changing. Our children were 16 and 13 years old. Our lives were totally turned around. My husband has now been in the ministry for 8 years. We have always had a good relationship, so that was never an issue. The issue was where do I fit in. You don't just learn how to be the "Pastor's Wife" over night. I still struggle with my role, I take on very few leadership roles in the church, and I don't sing, play the piano, or teach sunday school. I just don't feel the call to do so. What I do feel called to do is support my husband and keep him happy at home. I try to make our home a place of refuge for him and to let him know he is the best husband a wife could have.
Posted by: Jan on November 13, 2008