Gifted for Leadership: Leader-Moms Build Better Dads

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June 11, 2007

Leader-Moms Build Better Dads

by Ron R. Lee

When my daughter was in kindergarten, she headed off to school one morning with her hair done up in an arrangement that only vaguely resembled a braid. Actually, at the top it looked almost exactly like a braid. But the hairstyle quickly devolved into a loose semi-tangle with an odd dogleg, like a fairway at Augusta National.

The following morning Jessi asked me to please just put her hair in two pony tails. That was the same week I sent her to school wearing orange socks, which didn't fully complement her pink outfit.

Things were different when my wife, Jeanette, was in town - which was most of the time.

When Mom was home our daughter was a kindergarten fashion plate. But when Jeanette traveled on business, the goals shifted a bit. Once the alarm went off I started checking items off a mental to-do list. Feed Jessi a hearty breakfast, dress her in clean clothes, get the tangles out of her hair, and deliver her to school on time. If she arrived ahead of the bell with all the things she needed inside her little backpack, and started the day with a hug and kiss from me, I considered our morning a red-letter success.

During Jeanette's business trips, Jessi and I tended to devote more time to riding bikes in the neighborhood, going to the playground, and playing Pooh sticks at the footbridge on the way to the library. Our dietary habits also underwent a transformation. We ate mostly mac and cheese, spaghetti, scrambled eggs, and frozen things that could be microwaved in eight minutes or less. Jessi thought it was great, since she liked fish sticks, pot pies, and chicken bits. She was less enthusiastic about the peas I served, but she ate them like a trooper. It didn't take my daugther long to realize her parents did things differently, but each of us got the job done.

I found that as Jessi grew older she trusted me to be there for her, and she knew we could talk about anything. Friendship, faith, politics, boys, school, family, sex, God, future plans, anything. While Jessi and I were bonding at home, Jeanette looked forward to the change of pace made possible by occasional business trips, and she enjoyed the expanded opportunities to make use of her leadership and organizational abilities.

A few weeks ago Jessi completed her first year of college, and next week she will leave for Uganda to work with AIDS orphans and to assist an African pastor who ministers in a remote village. She turned out all right, in spite of having had a fashion-impaired dad. And I can't begin to tell you how much I miss her when she's away at college or out of the country.

If you sometimes feel guilty about using your skills outside the home because you fear you are neglecting your kids, think about this: Inflicting your husband on your children every now and then could be one of the best things you'll ever do for them. It's a bona fide familial adventure, a crash course in deepening the dad-offspring bond. Plus, after just a few of these dad-on-duty episodes, your kids will more fully appreciate what you bring to the table. Nothing says "when will Mom be home?" like a dad who can't manage a French braid or decide whether orange goes with pink.

When you invest your leadership abilities in the world outside your home you are making greater use of the gifts God gave you. More people have a chance to benefit from the ways God is using you. And in the process, you're building a better dad.

Comments

This is a great post--good encouragement for those who feel guilty as moms for wanting to use their gifts outside the home. Also, I think it is such an excellent point about getting dads more involved. Fathers are integral to the development of their children. Significant psychological difficulties can arise when fathers are not intimately involved in the lives of both their daughters and sons.

Its unfortunate how culture, and even the church contribute to "fatherless" children. I have found that the more conservative churches place so much emphasis on women being biologically predisposed to child-rearing and the man the "provider", that the church actually contributes to the problem; men get the message that caring for children is a "woman's job."

Good point. A lot of churches would view the wife here as a bad mom for traveling for work, but would fail to see the opportunity for the dad and his daughter. Of course, plenty of dads travel nearly constantly and are away from their families and get patted on the back for it. Where's the criticism about these dads who spend no time with their wife or kids? And where's the support for the moms left to deal with the kids on their own?

What a blessing to know that there are many who feel as we do. Our family is a very close one, but my husband and I realize that we both need to do our part in raising our children. We both have a missionary heart and, as such, have both had the opportunity to go on mission trips. I was blessed to go to Jerusalem and my husband to Romania. No one ended up in the hospital on both occasions so our weeks alone with the children were gleaming examples of the power of the Lord when we lean on Him instead of counting on our own humanity. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"...The fact that I am out in the mission field also sets the example for my daughters. I've shown them that they need to find their own place in the Lord's work and that it's OK to follow WHEREVER Jesus leads. As parents, we've also set the example of a healthy marriage for our children. We've shown them that they deserve a spouse that respects and supports their decisions, as I have found in their Daddy :)

Thank you for that post. Thank you that it was not posted only in the "Today's Christian Woman" section.....

Perhaps what I am about to say is a little off point to the original post.
I have been a stay-at-home dad to two daughters (7 and 4)for four years now. My wife didn't inflict them with me, rather, it was a decision that we made together.
I do work part-time as a professional, but clearly identify myself as a stay-at-home parent first. I don't pretend to be perfect, in fact, I am far from it.
It has been interesting to see our kids gain understanding that our living situation is different than most surrounding them. They like it most of the time, but sometimes wonder why our family is different.
We have always been suburbanites where most of those around us have one working parent (the father) and one at home parent (the mother).
I have been to countless ballet practices and other events where I was the only male present and have been applauded (for taking one for the team and letting my wife pursue a career), scolded (for not being the "provider God intends" me to be), revered by men (because I have it easy) and have completely baffled people (because they cannot understand why I would do such a thing out of choice and not necessity). My mother even still will say that our kids have two mothers. Referring to me and my wife.
My wife and I are both intelligent and theologically sound. We recognize our strengths and weaknesses and serve each other, our children and our community accordingly.
This set up has been relatively smooth for us. The reason it has been positive is because we embrace the following as fact:
1.) God's will for us is to honor, glorify and worship Him. All of our decisions starts there, and hopefully ends there.
2.) Neither parent is ever a babysitter. We are each parents inside of the home and outside of the home. Parenting never ends and what we do outside of our kids eyes and ears still has impact on our parenting.
3.) Each parent brings different things to the table and neither one of us are perfect. For example, I nurture our daughters differently than my wife and that's okay. They need nurturing from both of us.
4.) We believe the greatest gift we can give our kids is to have a healthy and vibrant marriage. We pursue marital health relentlessly.
I do believe I have made my wifes pursuit of a career easier for her. I have not begrudgingly sacrificed anything. It was the right thing for us to do, and this resolve has been a gift to both of us, especially our kids.
God has used my wife to make me a better dad. God has used me to make my wife a better mom. Our kids are happy, healthy and well behaved, not because we are great parents, but because God has lead us to make good choices, God has surrounded us with healthy people and God has extended us massive amounts of grace when we fall short.
I guess I get frustrated when individuals (especially with in the Christian faith) believe they are more intelligent than my wife and I in raising our kids according to how we believe God has lead us.

I agree with Ron. We give our kids (and our marriages) a wonderful gift when we switch roles--if even just for a day or two--and see what it's like to be in our partner's shoes. As a mom who leaves for work while my husband works from home & holds down the fort, I'm blessed to be doing work I feel God has called me to. My husband has modeled exceptional caretaking skills to our sons. He's also used the time to teach them how to be responsible for cooking, cleaning & doing their own laundry. Our four sons will definitely leave home equipped to take care of themselves. I'm curious how other women are managing a complete role reversal.

It isn't necessary for mom to have an outside the home job for dad to be involved in his children's lives. Even though I was home with the children, my husband still took his "turn" with feeding, bathing, homework help, etc. I don't feel guilty staying home and "wasting" my special gifts on my family.

I agree with Ron. I think that we have something in common in that I am his sister. Our own mother used her skills, mostly in volunteer activities. She was usually the leader. She was not often gone for overnights. Our father was responsible for us late into the evenings while our mother led groups of people effectively. I think our mother gave me a lot of confidence by her display of confidence. But certainly they both worked together to parent us effectively. My husband and I have 4 children, two daughters-in-law and one granddaughter and all of these individuals seem to have much leadership qualities. Our son recently took care of our 16 month-old granddaughter while his wife went on a weekend excursion with her mother and sister. I think our granddaughter frequented the park quite a bit and took some really long naps as a result. She might have even eaten some frozen fish sticks. Ha! Ha! Thanks to Ron for supporting leadership skills of individuals--either gender.

Most important is the consistent desire and action of parents BEING ONE in honoring and believing that we are the beloved children of God.

A close second is that parents consistently desire and show that WE ARE ONE in caring for each other, sharing ourselves with each other, and giving our best to one another.

Isn't this is really modeling for our children the two greatest commandments, to love God with all our hearts, souls, and strength, and to love our "neighbor" as ourselves?

How it works out with the frizzled sleep do's, inside-out clothes, or pot-pie pizza days in which we find ourselves for whatever reason, can be the joy and is only the business of the parental UNIT (thanks, coneheads).

My husband had a career in the military, so my children and I were alone very often during their childhood. We, too, enjoyed fish sticks, peanut butter and jelly, and junk food dinners when he was away. Missing either parent is a big sacrifice and burden on the parent left at home.
Thank you for sharing your family with us. It's a gift to your wife and daughter, and truly, to all of us during this Father's Day season.

Karen makes an important point. Dads need to be involved with their kids whether their wife is an at-home mom or has a career. When my daughter was a baby, my wife and I traded off on changing diapers, reading to her, feeding her, playing, putting her to bed, and so forth. My involvement continued as my daughter grew up. I took care of her not because my wife was working, but because I'm a dad and I wanted to be a big part of my daughter's life. The point of my post was that whenever my wife traveled, I enjoyed concentrated time with my daughter, and that made me a far better dad. We talked more, spent more time together, and had a chance to do different things together. (When my wife was home I didn't style my daughter's hair, for example.) I had to stretch as a parent when my wife was gone. That's why I'm thankful for those times.

Thank you, Ron. I am expecting my first baby in November and have been discouraged by the number of "church friends" who ask if I can stay home, as if that's automatically the best option for my family and me.

I have skills and abilities - gifts from God - that I am able to use in a career that I enjoy. A career that serves God and others. I don't think this is wrong, but hearing so many condolences on my "inability" to stay home as a new mom has been frustrating, so it's nice to hear the other point of view. Thank you for your encouragement.

In response to the focused asttention on gains that fathers make when they parent a child of any age. My husband first did an Indian dance for our first born daughter when she was fussy at night as a baby. It calmed her. I was nursing her and loved it so my husband was involved in burping and calming when the nursing wouldn't work. My husband continued to stretch the children in wonderful ways that I couldn't. He took all of us canoing and now they can navigate canoes over water that I can't begin to touch. My husband was truly held up to the neighborhood children as "tougher than your dad." Our 3rd child--a son--made the memorable remark in a hand-made Father's Day card about how his dad knew all about Ka-Ra--Te. My husband did many fun and exciting things with our children through the ages. He changed diapers and took late night colic duty and kept all the kids and made do while he was working while I tended to an ill parent. Let's hear it for Fathering. What a great heritage.

In honor of Father's Day, and in response to the article about how women can use their leadership skills, while enriching the lives of their husbands and their children's fathers--I think it is interesting that I took my own father's attention so for granted. My mother was a leader, as I said, in many volunteer avocations. She ran Bible Schools, GA camps, GA programs, American Legion money-makers, and on and on. My father's great attention to me, as his daughter, I took for granted. He always said that I was his Queen when I didn't get on the Homecoming Queen's Court or the Barnwarming or the Courtwarming, etc. That meant a lot to me. I always knew that he thought I was pretty and special. One of my favorite memories is of his pacing the floor before I went out on a date. The chosen date had received some innuendos from a 3rd party and Daddy wanted to check it out for himself. He was uncomfortable, because he usually said that I could make good choices and he wasn't sure that he needed to double check me. But he did his father job well. So well that I took it for granted. My mother always declared that she and Daddy didn't need to read some books about child-rearing. They just discussed those issues between the two of them and that was enough when they hammered out an agreement. A pretty good idea and I profited from it. I also took it for granted. I read some childrearing books when I became a parent. That didn't hurt either.

Thank you for this article. My husband and I have worked at this life together for many years and this is the first article I can remember that addresses what we feel was God's plan for our lives--That we both get to fully BE who God made us to be and we work hard on that.

We have often commented that the church too often forces some (both men and women) to be something they are not (gifting, personality, roles in the home, etc.). This kind of article models for us real life profiles of those who have had the courage to show our children the most important thing of all: that we work hard at God's plan for our lives together.

Decent article. Great points about the benefits of Dads being majorly involved in their kids' lives, which is surely KEY to healthy development. However, I still cannot believe that there are women out there who would choose to NOT stay home with their young children if they can. This is no more than a disservice to the kids, if I may be so politically incorrect. Yes, indeed, as women we have gifts to share with others...how that is hampered by being a stay-at-home Mom I don't know.

Before giving birth I too, egalitarian that I am, felt that I may like to keep a career outside the home, but once you hold that little bundle you just know that they will be your main focus, at least for the next 4 or 5 years, if not longer. It is natural and beautiful! Forget "gifting," your child has your heart. I am nowhere near a Suzy Homemaker, indeed I'm somewhat domestically-challenged, but that would never stop me from wanting to give the best hours of my day to my child. The time for career will come once again, but what a shame to "waste" the precious years when they're young and need their Mom (and Dad too, but not in the same way).

This is a great article. I, too, struggled with "traditional roles" taught to me by my family and my church. I was the stay-at-home mom for the first 15 years. Our children were 5, 8, 10 and 13 when my husband developed an undiagnosed condition that prevented him from working. We then decided, as a couple, that he would stay at home and I would work on my career.

I was not idle while at home. I homeschooled the children for 8 of the 15 years and wrote my own curriculum one of the years. I look upon that time as one of tremendous growth.

My current bosses, (three Christian brothers) said they would not have hired me as an Office/HR manager if I had NOT had the experience of being a stay-at-home mom. They said that if I can handle that - I could handle whatever happened in the workplace.

The most important thing to both my husband and I is that one of us is always present and available for the kids. So far, it has worked, our kids are now 11, 14, 16 and 19.

In response to Jen:
As a family with a stay-at-home dad and full-time working mom, your post does not apply to my family at all.
You said, "but once you hold that little bundle you just know that they will be your main focus, at least for the next 4 or 5 years, if not longer."
Just because my wife works full-time and I am a stay-at-home father doesn't make them not my wifes main focus. Further, she is not "wasting" those formative years by choosing to work.
Our decision has very little to do with "gifting". We are both amply qualified to work, and are thankful that we do not need to pay for child care.
I am not exactly Sammy Homemaker, but what makes that the norm? Who has set this bar of the perfect Christian parenting model? Before the industrial revolution, these discussions were non existent. Everybody worked, all the time or the family would die.
Without question my wife provides our children with things that I will never be able to provide them. She does not have the need to make up for "wasted" time at work when she is at home because she is fully present and engaged in being a mother.
I am genuinely not being sarcastic when I say that I am sorry that you are not able to understand that your brand of Christian parenting does not match with ours.

Oh, how I was blessed and enjoyed Ron's letter, and the other dads especially. I totally agree with all said. Both Spouses sharing, caring, and also together as "one" enjoying their married life, being an example to their children, and others. What a better world we would have had, if we had more dads such as those who have written in. God bless. Abigail

Thank everyone for all the nice feedback to this wonderful write-up by Ron. My husband and I are both preachers. Over three years ago, my husband took ill with a heart condition, causing him not to be able to work. He is at home during the day, while I am at work. I am also active in ministry, which takes me outside of the home, and abroad at times. My husband cooks while I am out, and we are very happy and contented with each other, and how God is leading our lives. Thank you everyone for sharing also. Abigail

God created us intrinsically as male and female for the special roles we are to carry out. That isn't debatable.

That being said, in this day and age it is not always possible for Moms to stay at home, due to financial constraints. No one doubts the role that Dads must play in their children's lives, in being a parent and working along-side Moms. It's part of being a good parent and husband.

But never doubt or underestimate the special gift of nurturing that Moms are known for. We are, afterall, the ones chosen to bring life into the world. Your family situation may require that different measures be taken. The key is to ensure that it is indeed God's will for you and your family and not your own will or desire.

And most importantly for both Mom and Dad, ask for God's wisdom with every tiny step during this journey of Parenthood. Your personal Christian walk is what will make the biggest difference in the hearts of your children.

Is it just me, or does it seem strange that in 2011 it is still possible for dad's to think that they are really doing something special and unusual as they participate in the day to day parenting of their children?

Well yes, I think it is pretty petty to mind that a day is set aside to honor fathers for the important role they play in our children's lives. Many of them, like my husband work 11-12 hours a day supporting our family, and yet was able to take time off during the week to watch the girls sports games and track, as well as going to all the weekend games. He worked fewer hours when they were younger, but now we're putting them through college. He was involved in their lives since birth, doing more than his share of the bottle feeding during the night. We have 3 girls who are definitely daddy's girls and love their father very much, and that makes me very happy. He is very different from my father in the 60's who would come home from work, have a martini, eat dinner, watch the news, and then go to bed. My husband was involved in every way in my girls lives. I was too, and it's nice when we're honored that one time a year called Mother's Day. Why do some have to be so "sensitive" and "politically correct" about every little thing in our lives? Really, you'll be a lot happier if you're less sensitive and bitter about everything, and just enjoy life and be thankful for things you consider mundane. Life really could be a lot rougher.

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