Apologies That Work
July 31, 2007 |
One thing we as women leaders need to ask ourselves is, Are we to follow traditional models or seek to break new ground? If we're interested in breaking new ground, I think one of the best ways to integrate our instinctive feminine strengths into our leadership is by setting a positive example with by the transparency of our apologies.
Isn't it sad that apologies are often seen as a sign of weakness and associated with the "weaker" sex? Yet, it takes great strength to humble yourself and offer the gift of a meaningful apology.
Scripture instructs that whether we are the offender or the offended, the onus is on us to seek restoration in our relationships.
In Matthew 5:23 ? 24, we are instructed: "Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to that person; then come and offer your gift" (Today's NIV). In the next chapter of Matthew, we are told: "If you forgive others when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins" (Matthew 6: 14 ? 15 Today's NIV).
What if you or a colleague has tried to apologize, but your best efforts were perceived as insincere or incomplete? The struggle may be a simple issue of how apologies are communicated. As we experienced our own successes and failures in making up with each other, my husband and I realized that we have separate "apology languages." I shared this idea with Dr. Gary Chapman, which led to our collaboration on The Five Languages of Apology because we wanted people's apologies to succeed in restoring relationships - both by better expressing their own hearts and in recognizing others' apology efforts. We surveyed over 400 people about what they look for in a sincere apology and we found that their responses fell evenly into the following five categories:
Apology Language #1: Expressing regret by saying, "I am sorry."
Apology Language #2: Accepting responsibility by saying, "I was wrong."
Apology Language #3: Making amends by saying, "What can I do to make it right?"
Apology Language #4: Repenting by saying, "I'll try not to do that again."
Apology Language #5: Requesting forgiveness: "Will you please forgive me?"
When God calls us to apologize, we should act with urgency to repair the problem. These apology languages should encourage us to bravely list all that we have done wrong, recognize how this has "put out" the other person, show our concern for them, and explain what will truly be different next time. To ensure your apology "hits the mark," you should ask the people close to you what they most like to hear in an apology.
After you learn the apology languages of your friends, family members and ministry co-workers, you will have the extra benefit of being able to give targeted apologies that still impart the full measure of your sincerity. How can you as a woman leader model healthy relationships by apologizing?
Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on July 31, 2007
Comments
This is great advice. More and more I am noticing that the whole concept of apologizing isn't understood, or is being ignored by many including Christians. People tend to justify their behavior or comments and feel that an apology isn't needed, but nothing wounds or kills a relationship faster than an apology left unsaid. Giving more importance to the other person's feelings and to God's desires for unity allows us to grow personally while confirming the value of the person receiving the apology.
Posted by: Lauren on August 1, 2007
As a former pastor now ministering as a hospice Chaplain, I recently encountered a situation where I was falsely accused of saying something I didn't by someone who has a reputation of lying. One of my patients had fallen over the weekend and was pretty banged up. After visiting with the pt. in the dining room of the facility they live in, I went to the lobby to fill out my report and got a call from one of my agency's nurses who was still in the dining room. She told me that this aide was claiming that I had said to the pt. "They got you real good," then spread the story to another aide. I was horrified as I would never stoop to such unprofessional conduct. After asking if I could talk to them, I made my way back to the dining room and addressed the original complainant first. "Is something wrong?" I asked and she leveled the charge against me. I responded that "I don't ever remember making a comment like that and that's not something I would ever say." She insisted I did and nothing would dissuade her. So after trying to convince her again unsuccessfully I said, "That's not something I would have said, but if that's what you heard I want to apologize and ask for your forgiveness." She grudgingly accepted then I went to the other aide and went through the same thing with her. Even though I had committed no wrong, it seemed the most Christlike thing to do. Hopefully, my actions glorified the Lord and caused conviction in their hearts. At this particular facility my first experience with the staff has been to be targeted because of my race (and I'm white). I couldn't believe what my supervisor was telling me because my only contact with these people has been to say Hi, introduce myself, and occasionally ask where one of my patients was if they weren't in their rooms. But they found something to complain about--they didn't like my business suits and they saw me kneeling--presumably praying!!! Oh horror of horrors--they are lucky I'm not a Muslim. Then I'd be praying 5 times a day on my prayer rug facing East and would sue them for religious discrimination. While I do pray with patients all the time, after all I'm a CHAPLAIN for Pete's sake, the time they saw me, I was kneeling because the patient's bed was very low to the floor due to fall risk. So hopefully this latest incident where I offered apologies will change hearts and minds but racism has no rhyme or reason--it's just pure hate and purely evil.
Posted by: Rev. Carlene on August 1, 2007
Rev. Carlene, this sounds like a tough situation. It took a lot of courage for you to apologize when you were falsely accused. I hope this will make a difference for you.
Posted by: Amy Simpson on August 1, 2007
Thanks Amy,
I hope it makes a difference too. I cringe before I enter that facility wondering what next will they scheme up. Couldn't do it without my Lord and His strength through the power of His Holy Spirit. Prayers would be appreciated.
Posted by: Rev. Carlene on August 1, 2007
Greetings,
I am a pastor, and pray as well as bless my parishioners every service. Our last Sunday service was truly a mountain top anointed service.
After service a visitor and her two foster teen-age sons and their teen age friend tried to eat all of the food without thinking others want to eat too.
As I watched them eat more than two helpings of food I was reluctant to say anything fearing they may have been very hungry.
The visitor called me later and told me that I embarressed her when I prayed for her, but she failed to say how I embarassed her or what I said to her. She is not a parishioner at our church, but she wants to be trained to be a minister under my leadership. She is a very difficult person to understand, and tries to become very familiar with my husband's personal business by asking inappropriate questions. She is a member of my prayer breakfast planning committee, and she brought, her two foster teen-age sons and one of their teen-age friends to my breakfast planning meeting which is a planning meeting for our upcoming High School All Class homecoming 50th year celebration. Then she told all of the people at the meeting to help themselves to the smogasboard breakfast because I will pay for everybody's food. There are other things that she has done to offend me, but I am at a lost as to how to approach her. She was not my high school class mate, infact I am ten years older than she.
Being a pastor I have boundaries, but she has made too many attempts to cross them. I am asking you to lift me in prayer and offer some suggestions.
I hate to offend my offender!!
Revsis2>
Posted by: Rev. Alice on August 2, 2007
Rev.Alice,
A boundary is like a property line. It tells me what is my property or responsiblity and what is another's property or responsibility.
We are only responsible for our beliefs, thoughts, feelings, and choices not another's. Boundaries are not something you “set on” another person. Boundaries are about yourself.
We are not at the mercy of another's behaviors. If we can see that the problem is our problem and that we are responsible for it, then we are in the driver’s seat of change. For the first time, we are empowered.
We reap what we sow. What might God want this woman to see about herself? When we do loving, responsible things, people draw close to us. When we are unloving or irresponsible, people withdraw from us.
It is not a redemptive love that allows others to act in destructive ways.
We must actively participate in the resolution of whatever relational problem we might have even if it is not our fault.
A boundary that is unspoken is a boundary that is a silent expectation.
My suggestion is that you proacitvely love her by being vulnerable. I'm concerned and am not sure how to approach this, however, What were you thinking when?" "What were you hoping for?" "What was your intention?" "Help me to understand."
See yourself and her as innocent,then ask her questions and let her answers guide your conversation. This is better than assuming anything.
The bottom line: Rather than viewing this as a confrontation, Consider it clarification. You're asking questions to clarify so you can come to an understanding.
You may need to clearly and warmly state what you are willing and not willing to do or to state your expectations,if any.
Doreen
Posted by: Doreen on August 6, 2007
All very good comments.
We must all realize that although we are in this world we are not of the world. Each one of us are called as Ambasadors for Christ Jesus.Ambasadors have authority over evey principality through the Word of God,we take authority by our walk and talk of faith which pleases God, you all are doing just that. God has given me opportunities to do just that ,but I had to be obedient, and sometimes I did not want to, but when I did, Holy Spirit move in and flowed out, opportunities to share my faith both in ministry in church and the market place. Our true witness is what we live before first before God then Man,being that living witness on God has done in us, allowing the Holy Spirit to flow through us.
When we live our lives as followers of Christ know that people watch, they want you to fail, because then they can say see Iam ok. But more so they want you to suceed because then they know it is real. I worked in ICU with a nurse for 20yrs live my walk and prayed, and on the day I was preparing to move out of state, she said , I have watched you all this time now I need to know. Followers of Jesus Christ , God has allowed me to pray for my director for healing when she became very ill in her office, I asked she said yes. I have witnessed to our CEO because of something he saw and he wanted to know. The bottom line is not us, but He who lives in us.
We are to be dead to the flesh and alive unto Christ,so our lives should say no matter praise or insult, my God is more then enough.
May God Bless each one of you.. Shine His light in everything you do and then in everything you do HIS LIGHT WILL SHINE THROUGH YOU.
Posted by: Susan on August 11, 2007
Regarding apologies, what should you do when you were the one at fault and you tried to apologize to the person and their final decision was "I release you" meaning I no longer want to be a part of your life. how do you handle that,and what if they won't even go into detail on it, and how do you handle it if you have to see them and work around them from time to time?
Posted by: B on January 15, 2008