Kyria's Gifted for Leadership

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I'm guilty of interrupting- but I plead "innocent" as far as my motive. I'm just trying to share something I think the person I'm talking with would like to hear- at the moment that I think it! I'm not so sure that is the most disrespectful thing I could do, though, when talking with a man. I think its worse if I fail to acknowledge the validity of their point, or if I ignore their passion and purpose in what they're sharing with me. I just need to let the person I'm talking with- male or female- know that what they think, matters- and that maybe I could learn something from them. Maybe even learn something life changing. That's all.

Posted By: Lauren Caldwell | October 22, 2007 11:21 AM

Interrupting comes naturally to some of us extroverts who think quickly and speak as soon as the thought hits the mind. But I don't think we have any idea how it affects the person we interrupted. Interruption is an invalidation - whether we mean it that way or not. Perception is reality for the person being interrupted. Interruption is saying "what I have to say is more important, listen to me." I know some of us use the excuse that we might forget what we were going to say. Or, "I just can't help it." However, invalidation is serious. We need to work on learning to actively listen and bite the tongue.

One other infraction needs to be mentioned also -- "ego food." That is when someone is talking about something and we "one-up them" with our story. We change the attention to ourselves. We may be wanting to show that we understand but this will discourage introverts from talking -- they think "what's the use?"

Thank you for the reminder to respect the personhood of others.

Posted By: Angela C | October 23, 2007 8:13 AM

Interestingly, it was only yesterday that I was reflecting on this very "problem" that we have between men and women; it is not always only the men that feel these twinges, but some women also regarding "their men". In our Christian culture the real issue is always courtesy and deferring to the other person whether male or female. But within the Church culture there is what I percieve to be a fake courtesy. One problem, as I see it, is that while we say we understand the truth that "in Christ there is no male or female" we don't behave that way. Scripture also says that the husband has authority over his wife. I do not argue that, it is a no issue statement made by Scripture; I do have a problem with the blanket coverage most of the Church tries to cover with the statement. I mean, if you are married and your husband has authority over you, I am not married to the man and just because he and other males in the Church are males they are not superior to me nor do they have authority over me. I do not have to and am not required to obey your husband, only mine.
Now as for the "disrespect" of men by women just because they got involved and spoke when "he" was speaking; if you are superior and you are confident, why don't you just "know" it and in your greatness and granduer don't be looking to that which you know to be the inferior to keep you pumped up; to tell you who you are? If you are not truly "superior" why can't we all be human-beings in the congregation and male and female in the privacy of our homes? Very simply, I see a fakeiness in the required behavior.

Posted By: Ramona | October 23, 2007 8:36 AM

I think most people are guilty of interrupting. There is something horrible about the concept that men want to be respected. The truth is EVERYONE wants to be respected. Implicit in the comment "men want to be respected" is that women don't. Do you know anyone that says they don't want to be respected? Do you know anyone that says they like being disrespected?

Posted By: Yvette | October 23, 2007 9:58 AM

You have got to be kidding me. Men constantly interrupt women!

Not only that they interrupt them and then take credit for what the great idea that ws just expressed by a woman.

Give me a break...once again women made to feel like they are always doing something wrong.

Posted By: ss | October 23, 2007 10:11 AM

SS...great point on men interrupting women and also taking credit for their ideas.

Posted By: Yvette | October 23, 2007 6:31 PM

I too agree with SS. Why are we as women made to feel our communication style is in need of correction? I have noticed in meetings where the majority of the population is male, that women have to interrupt in order to be heard. Men rarely stop and create natural pauses -- which women are attuned to hearing and using as a cue to enter into the conversation. They also don't hear women's attempts to enter the conversation through vocal cues (um, ah, I was thinking...) which are usually "quieter" than their male counterparts. I've had to learn to be bi-lingual; shouldn't men? Thoughts?

Posted By: GSong | October 24, 2007 10:57 AM

I agree. I have been in many situatations, both on church boards and at work (for an evangelical company), where my ideas were approved only after a man took credit for it--sometimes just 10 minutes after it was placed on the table and sometimes after it was successfully marketed and therefore "safe" to claim. I know that if certain men are at a meeting, I will rarely be able to finish a thought without being interrupted. I have worked among evangelicals for a quarter of a century and this is a common pattern. The "men must be respected" angle is a capitulation to pagan ego and nothing else.

Posted By: MS | October 26, 2007 10:27 AM

Interrupting someone that is speaking is saying "what I have to say is more important that what you are saying", which in my opinion is arrogant and disrespectful in every sense of the word.

Posted By: Debbie | October 26, 2007 11:10 AM

Ok-before you ladies go off on a "we hate men" tangent (sure sounds like you are headed there!) stop and think for a minute: God made humans in His image; male and female He created them. Maybe, just maybe, God made two sexes for a reason! Maybe we are intented to see things differently and react differently and therefore value different things.

Please read "Love & Respect" by Emerson Eggerichs. It is mostly describing a married couple, but the idea behind it (that men crave respect, and women want to be loved) can be applied to men and women in general.

Also, I have to disagree that no man in the church has authority over you Ramona. Your pastor (or elder board) does as the authority for the church. Now, he does not have the same authority as your husband; but it is an authority...one that the pastor/elders has/have over all members of the congregation. I have been struggling a bit with this concept myself; but actually take a look at the scripture - it's there. (try "Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood: A Response to Evangelical Feminism")

Posted By: Mrs Ruz | October 26, 2007 9:01 PM

Wow, I never thought of this. I agree, I think that men DO resent women interrupting. Thanks for making me think. Personally, I don't care who gets the credit or who has the authority. I only want to communicate my ideas in a way they can be heard and advance the Kingdom of God. If not interrupting will help me do this, then I am willing to give it a try. Thanks again.

Posted By: Brenda | October 27, 2007 6:47 AM

I guess it all comes down to whether or not you believe that men and women are equal in the eyes of God, and therefore should treat each other with the respect that God has shown to us. I get rather weary of women being bashed on by other Christian women when it's perceived that we have stepped out of the heirachical line. In a professional setting in the large corporation at which I work, the respect shown to both sexes is perceptibly better than what is decribed here regarding the Christian community. Exactly what does that say about us as Christ-followers? I know that as an egalitarian in my belief that I often shudder at the complemetarian viewpoint, but that aside, interrupting is a sign of rudeness and disrepect no matter who does the interrupting!

Posted By: DK | October 27, 2007 6:15 PM

Great topic! About 4 years ago I realized that my habit of interrupting when I'm excited is absolutely okay with other extroverts or close women friends, but that many men see it as undisciplined or even disrespectful. At first, I felt these men should just get over themselves and realize that "that's just me" and that my interruptions are actually a sign that I am relaxed and probably feel comfortable enough to step on the end of their sentences.
Over time, and with the Lord's gentle discipline, I realized that love towards others (even men) means that I should give up my rights to butt-in and yield to another's rights to finish his thought. (I've also discovered that this perception of 'interruptions as disrespect' is more a function of personality than gender.)
On a purely non-spiritual note - yielding to another person's preferred communication style not only shows respect, it also greatly increases the probability that your ideas will actually be heard and considered more readily - by men and women.

Posted By: Lori | October 27, 2007 11:03 PM

Mrs. Ruz, why have you bought into such stereotypes that the complementarians spew out? As a woman--I too crave respect, and I'm certain I'm not alone. I've been married for 27 years to a wonderful man who respects and loves me. If he didn't respect me, I wouldn't feel loved. For me, if there's no respect, the love is shallow and pretty worthless. I would marry my husband all over again. For all those years we've shared authority, child rearing duties (he just couldn't do the breastfeeding), housework, decision making, and spiritual leadership in the home. Refreshingly absent have been those power struggles I've seen in what I call Christian "unionized" marriages-where there's strict role delineations. The wives end up scheming up ways to get their way--like pouting--no thanks. The book you named should be better titled "Unbiblical Manhood and Womanhood"
And please don't jump to the all too typical complementarian conclusion that we who hold egalitarian views are automatically "man-haters."

Speaking for myself, I have had more male friends in my life than female and some of my biggest supporters when I prepared for Ordained pastoral ministry have been men. One of the most significant things I've appreciated from all the men is the respect they've given to me and that respect made me feel loved. Ephesians 5:21 says "Submit unto one another out of reverence for Christ." The Gk. word there for submit is hupatasso--an imperative command applying to all--male and female. Biblical submission requires mutual respect for one another, not just from one gender.
If someone male or female won't respect me, then I can do without their hallow shell version of love.

Posted By: Rev. Carlene | October 28, 2007 12:50 AM

I am also very tired of the mantra "men need respect while women need love." Complementarians have created an entire psychologically of male and female around one verse. Its strange.

I desire respect more than anything else. I can't even fathom how love can be separated from respect. It is precisely because respect is absent that so many women are used and abused.

Anyway, back to the point of the article--interrupting is rude regardless of who does it.

Posted By: Karen K | October 29, 2007 10:13 AM

Just getting back to read the comments on this interesting subject. I need to clarify Mrs. Ruz, I did not say nor intend to say that "no man" has authority over me. What I said is that just because a man is a male does not give him authoritative rights over me because I am only a woman. Lots of men have authority over me, such as my boss, if he is a man, my pastor, if he is a man, the policeman, if he is a man; BUT all these same titles would also be authoritative over me IF they were women. My comments are addressed concerning the Church at large and as an individual congregation. Every man in the congregation is not authoratative over me nor any other woman, unless he has taken responsibility for my/their well-being. I am very much a person to respect and adhere to chain of command. But the seat of command may be held by a woman in which case both men and women are under the expcetation of acknowledging that authority. It's not a gender issue. It's a position of authoritative responsibility, without consideration of gender.

Posted By: Ramona | November 8, 2007 12:49 PM

Right on, Ramona!

Posted By: Robyn | November 9, 2007 12:47 PM

I think it is far more productive to get to know each person's communication styles than to label a whole mass of individuals under one umbrella. // There is nothing in the Bible that says man must finish first before woman speaketh. If two are in conversation together, then two ought to be conversing.

Posted By: Marie | November 18, 2007 12:58 PM

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