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November 23, 2007

The Gift of Being Real

by by Caryn Rivadeneira

I should've trusted the worship leaders at my church more - but I didn't. So when the video rolled and the cheesy, deep, deejayish voice announced, "And now, a Thanksgiving presentation?" I rolled my eyes. Oh, boy. Here we go, I thought. The opening scenes of a smiling, neatly sweatered man sitting in an upholstered chair with two fancily dressed toddlers on his lap and several preschoolers surrounding him did nothing to stop my continued disgust. And as the sweatered man began reminiscing about his perfect childhood Thanksgiving gatherings and started in about the joys of being surrounded by his children and nieces and nephews, I thought, This is like a Saturday Night Live skit! If this is how we present our Thanksgivings, no wonder they make fun of Christians!

But then the kids onscreen start getting mouthy and squirming impatiently, and the sweatered man rolled his eyes and yelled, "Cut!" Ha-ha! The reason it seemed like sketch comedy was because it was. I laughed along with the congregation as the man's attempts to produce a perfect Thanksgiving memory got more and more pathetic. We laughed as his brothers teased him in the background. We laughed when the kids threw tantrums and misbehaved. We laughed when the whole thing ended in an on-camera family argument. We laughed because, as Homer Simpson says, "It's funny because it's true."

What was so refreshing about this video is that it gave all of us that morning license to admit publicly - through our collective laughter - that holidays can be harsh, that they rarely live up to expectations, and that our families all are broken in some way. In short, it gave us a glimpse of reality. A glimpse that is more often than not overshadowed by our attempts to portray the perfect Christian families - especially during the holidays.

Sure, plenty of us are willing to throw around the funny stories of our crazy uncles or annoying siblings whom we see over the holidays, but how many of us are willing to admit or open up about some deep flaws and stinging wounds that lurk this time of year? How many of us - especially Christian leaders - are willing to say that we feel hurt or lonely or lost during this season? How many of us are willing to say this is a tough holiday because our relationships with our husbands are rocky or our kids have stepped away from the faith and are acting in ways that tear at our hearts?

Yet what would happen if we did? I wonder if doing this wouldn't be a great way for us to lead this time of year: Not so we can offer our families and our lives for others to laugh at. And not to bash or embarrass our families, but instead to help others who feel alone in their not-so-rosy lives and to help disassemble the life-comparison trap that snaps pretty tight around people this time of year.

I wonder if in fact becoming transparent in our troubles could be witness to Jesus' powerful words: "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world" (John 16:33). Maybe by giving the gift of the real this season we'll help others see just how Jesus - the ultimate Gift - can help overcome this world of troubles we all face at one time or another.

So what might that look like in your life? How can you bring the gift of the real this season?

Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on November 23, 2007 11:23 AM

Comments

Thank you for this timely and thought-provoking article. So often, we like to pretend our lives are perfect, and we're afraid of what will happen if the mask falls and reality breaks through. Church, unfortunately, can be a very judgemental place.

I remember how comforting it was to me when my pastor (so very respected) talked about how confused and broken he felt after his engagement fell through when he was a young man. Or the time he punched a hole in the kitchen wall. "Just like my brother," I thought.

My own personal challenge, though, even as a lay person, is finding the right balance between admitting reality and protecting the dignity and privacy of those around me--the relative who smokes pot, the friend who just got out of prison.

For me, it is sometimes a temptation to talk about the hurts and brokenness I've experienced, perhaps more than I need to. It's tempting when I've experienced pain to make myself into a victim, and I'm very good at putting on a noble face.

I pray that God will teach me to use my experiences--both good and bad--to glorify Him and further His kingdom, whether or not I use words.

Posted By: TheWalk | November 25, 2007 4:51 PM

Thank you for this timely post. At our staff meeting just before the Thanksgiving holiday each of us shared what our ideal Thanksgiving would look like. Some shared a memory of a perfect Thanksgiving they enjoyed some years ago. Others fantasized about an imaginary perfect feast on an island in Tahiti or in a cozy cabin in the mountains of Colorado. A few of my co-workers were willing to admit to the brokenness in their families, as well. But I noticed that those highest in leadership on our staff seemed to be the least transparent.
I had to admit that my perfect Thanksgiving would just be for my family to all be willing to be together in one room for one afternoon and share a meal. I felt safe enough to share how sad I am about my broken family - but not safe enough to tell this ministry staff how I struggle to love and accept my relatives who refuse to forgive and reconcile and the resentment I feel.
I have other Christian friends who can handle this level of transparency with maturity and I know I can be real with them. I look forward to a day when those I serve alongside in ministry are also comfortable with unpleasant 'real-ness'about me. Until we all get to heaven, I think we do well to use discernment when deciding what pain and struggles to share with whom.

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Posted By: saleem julian gill | December 3, 2007 2:37 PM

Being real is a trick. Fortunately, our music group is fairly tightly knit and has shared each other's troubles and joys, from hearing "there's nothing more we can do" to "I'm 24 weeks along" to "I now see my psychiatrist only every six weeks since my meds got upped." Does this news get shared with everyone in our church body? No. Discretion is still needed. That's just life.

Everyone needs a place to be real and people to be real around. It's a sad world if we can't be real in the one place where we bring ourselves when we realize that we are broken spirits. If not church, where?

Posted By: Sara | December 14, 2007 4:48 PM

I think it's important to not confuse "being real" with being stupid. There are those to whom one can safely open up and share on a genuine, rubber-meets-the-road level and they will respect your confidence and treat it accordingly. There are others, unfortunately, who are exceedingly poor choices for such and will spread every "reality" you've shared with the entire world the moment you walk away.

Both can usually be identified by their track records. The latter also by the skid marks they leave on your back.

This is not to say that isolation, duplicity or willful deception win the day, but a little wisdom tempered with discretion can go a long way.

Posted By: kristine | December 20, 2007 12:01 AM

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