Dear Sherryl,

I too have a teenage rebellious daughter and can identify with EVERYTHING you said. I am a associate minister at our Church and my husband and I went thru so much turmoil when I daughter decided she would rebel and it resulted in a teenage pregnancy. We blamed ourself. We thought we had not told her we loved her enough or told her how precious she was to us. She had everything going for her we told her. She was a dancer, a cheerleader, a good student. She was active in our Church, WHAT HAPPENED we said. Then God took a hold of me and let me know one morning at 3 AM that we should train up a child in the way they should go and when they are old they will NOT depart from it. And, he said the training was NOT for us but for HIM! Then he spoke Romans 8:28 ALL things work together for them who are CALLED (and he told me to underline it) according to HIS purpose. So, we STOOD by our little girl. We still went to church and bible study, I held her hand and cried when her son ELIJAH was born (and by the way she chose the name) and I cannot imagine life without either one of them in it! To God be the Glory for the things he has done. I know that God has a calling on both thier lives and I cannot wait to see the outcome. God Bless you!

Thanks, Sherryl. Our family has had a long journey with the Prodigal. We figured out prayer was our most important resource and others experiencing the same pain were great co-journers.

Our efforts to help our son evolved into a Worldwide Day of Prayer for Prodigals. Every June 2, there are now thousands around the world who join together to pray for those we love who are walking a dark path. We provide lots of shared helpful resources. Because it has exploded in the past two years, we will be opening a website, PrayerforProdigals.com, in April--in time for this year's June 2 Day of Prayer. So please come join us.

We've lived (and are still living) through our prodigal's choices. As any of you are aware if you've experienced it, this particular journey is excruciating.

What's helped?
- Ruth Bell Graham's book on prodigals; another important read is Henri Nouwen's meditation called (I believe) Return of the Prodigal.
- Some good friends who prayed when all I could do was moan "Help" to God.
- A couple of older voices in my life who were able to share their own stories with me, and coach me through some of the emotional terrain.
- Appropriate honesty with those in our church at the time - that honesty nipped at least some of the gossip in the bud.

The one thing I wish could have done differently earlier in our crisis was to, as the author noted, intensify other relationships in the home. The crisis with our daughter consumed my husband and I. Our relationships with our sons suffered. Even now, 6 years into our journey, I can see the effects of that initial crushing grief and pain on all of us.

Two of my best friends have children who are prodigals, and I share their heartache and pray for them continually. Because of that, ChristianBibleStudies.com (where I am an editor) created a Bible study course for parents of prodigals (written by a mother of a prodigal). It's called "Fighting for Your Prodigal Child" and you can find it at http://biblestudies.stores.yahoo.net/fiforyoprch.html.

Here's hope for all you hurting parents out there. I was a prodigal. It's funny, because I did not realize it at the time. My father was in the ministry and I experienced disappointment and confusion when church leaders who had brought me to faith fell from grace. I could not make sense of the hypocrisy in the church, so I ran away from the church as fast as I could.

I spent years searching for a better deal than my church upbringing. I challenged why I should accept something simply because "the Bible told me so." I explored other faiths, searching for meaning and something I could truly believe in, but everything came up empty.

There was nothing I could find that could compete with my relationship with Christ and God kept calling me back to Him. I was so lonely without Him that I was drawn back to Him.

Thankfully, my parents also kept loving me even when they disliked my decisions. Their love kept the door of influence in my life open. When my life was in shambles, my mother would say, "Why don't you try prayer?" I kept living recklessly from my own will, but she kept encouraging me to pray. Finally, I had to face that my life was a mess with me in charge. I got on my knees and begged God and my parents for forgiveness.

Now, God faithfully uses all of my mistakes to help others from giving up on God. He is truly faithful and I am so blessed. Don't give up on your prodigals. Don't underestimate God's power. Keep praying and keep loving. Your real power with your prodigals is your love.

Sunday, February 18, 2007
On Love and Valentine's Day

During the sermon today, Pastor made reference to Saul's encounter with the Lord on the road to Damascus (Acts 9:3,4).
It brought back memories of a special encounter of my own.

February 14, 2000. Not only was it the first Valentine's day that I had experienced (as an adult, of course) without the "usual" romantic themes. It was the actual date of my divorce. Seemed rather ironic to me that a final divorce hearing would occur on Valentine's day, but circumstances would not allow us to re-schedule within the necessary time frame. It would turn out to be a most profound day.

It was on a Monday and Monday evenings were when I attended a support group "overcomers". A call came from a not-quite-eighteen year old prodigal, "Are you going to be home tonight, mom?" I replied with an invite to join me for my meeting, but of course, a "not quite eighteen year old" young woman has much more romantic plans for this evening of lovers. "Well, we'll just drop by for a few minutes". She and her date were late and in a hurry, but beautiful roses and a box of chocolate were presented with a card, hugs, kisses and "I love you's". This was HUGE, for years she had rebelled and rejected. For the better part of three years, she had not lived at home. This day she chose to bring an offering of love. The healing that I had prayed and cried out for was finally available for both of us. I was running late, the flowers quickly went into a vase, the chocolates, opened and shared, the card tucked, unopened, into my bible.

Our meetings alway opened with prayer requests and praise reports, as I waited for the meeting to begin, I took the card out and read it. With quiet tears, I shared this joy with ones who had prayed for so long. My prodigal had returned!

I thought that was the lesson. He heals in His time, not Dawn's. I can trust Him with all things. I can even trust Him with "my kids".

As I drove home that evening, I cried much larger tears. Of relief, of hope, of joy. I remembered several specific incidents which had hurt me.

One in particular was the night I was called to the Emergency Room by a doctor. My child had been dropped off and the ER doctor knew she was alone and lying about her age. He convinced her that he had to call. When I arrived she looked so small, her voice was gone, her energy was so sad. As I approached her on the gurney in the hall, she turned her back to me and said "You are not my mother". She tried to scream at me but physically was incapable. I didn't hug her. I only stood with her. I quietly replied, "I love you and I will not leave you". With a police escort, she was released to my custody with a promise that she would stay at home until her follow-up visit with her physician. She would leave again, to the streets, to the friends who dabbled in witchery and drugs and sex. I couldn't stop her. But I never, ever stopped loving her.

And on this Valentine's Eve, with no man and the ink hardly dry on my divorce papers...........I knew no anger, no bitterness. My experience was the most beautiful joy, the most wonderful celebration, all was forgiven. My prodigal had come home! As I sat at a red light, I cried tears of gratitude.

It was then that I heard His voice. The voice of my Father. At a red light on Valentine's day. "Now you know how I feel", He said to me. And I thought of my own life. How many times had I tried to do it on my own, venturing into that far and distant land, thinking that my way was the better, forgetting Him, even seeking out other gods. I had rejected Him in my actions, if not my words. And yet, He was always with me. His grace, His forgiveness allowed for no bitterness. And when I surrendered and came home, He cried tears of joy that this prodigal had returned as well.

Due to a dysfunctional family, I helped raise my 3 younger sisters. Then I kicked myself out at 20 because I couldn't do it anymore.

My sister ended up pregnant 4 times in her late teens to early 20s. The first 3 ended up in miscarriages. She gave her child up for adoption. She had 2 DUIs. The last landed her in jail for 2 days. She is now on probation for 30 days, was put back in my dad's house under a judge's orders, has to take a breathalizer 3x a day, lost her license, get a temp work permit, will most likely lose her job, will not complete college, and thinks she is a failure to her family which we have assured her she is not.

We keep reminding her that these were her decisions, not a reflection on the family. We still love her and we will support her (more action and real answers, less of the pithy xtian answers like 'pray about it'), but SHE needs to decide to get herself together.

My mother, still an alcoholic, has decided not to get her life together. Consequently all my sisters, and myself, have little to do with her.

With prodigals, they all at some point need to take personal responsibility and come back home. We will be waiting.

You raise children as best as you can. Then you let them free and hope you did the right thing. And lots of praying.

My daughter graduated from high school in 2006. She immediately began to throw off the restraints with which we had raised her. Since that time we have suffered my husband's unemployment, financial disaster, two deaths in my immediate family, and I have gone back to work full-time after working at home for 18 years. During this period my beloved, beautiful daughter has been hateful and manipulative.

She stopped attending church. Her "friends" are not Christian and like to drink. The music she listens to is immoral. I cannot control this behavior.

She attends a nearby college, works part-time, and lives at home. Her room is a disaster zone. She leaves the bathroom she shares with her 17-year-old brother unusable. She fixes herself food and leaves everything out. Leaves dishes wherever she eats. Shoes and clothes everywhere. This behavior I can control

Last week I wrote up a list of eight rules, the first one being "I will not argue about these rules." Every time a rule is ignored, each kid gets a strike. Three strikes and the offender's cell phone will be deactivated for one week. The next three strikes will cause the cell phone to be deactivated permanently. I can do it all on-line. Yeah!

They both struck out within 24 hours. Within literally five minutes of deactivating their phones I heard from each them (on another person's phone. Ha!) Let's just say Friday night was very emotional at our house. The best thing about it was that I suddenly had her full, if crazed, attention. We were able to sit down and talk about issues on which we had to come to some agreement in order to survive this period.

I was a prodigal, too. I was hoping that my daughter would not have to go through it. I can't tell you the number of times I have remembered something I did to my mom and dad that is similar to what my daughter does to us. My momma in heaven with my aunts is going, "Um hum. Um hum."

If a child wants the privileges of being an adult they have to be taught to accept the responsibilities as well.

God is truly the perfect parent and I thank my Savior that because of His sacrifice I can know my Creator as my perfect Father.

I am not sitting back thinking that I have solved all of our problems. I keep thinking of those two velociraptors in "Jurassic Park" that were intelligent enough to "test the fences." We are in a cease fire. I know that.

Must go have quiet time.

Sara said it well in her comment. I am all for showing love to rebellious children, but sometimes love has to be tough. Our daughter has been at war with us for several years. She has rebelled against all of our love and Christian teaching. Her rebellion was destroying the home for our other children, and we finally said, enough! Her selfishness and sin was hurting too many other people. She is now in a group home run by Christians. Before she left, she told us that she felt she had the wrong "type" of parents. (Christian) We are aware that her real problem is sin. There are lots of psycho-therapeutic views on the "pain" of the child, etc. etc., but at bottom, she decided to sin against and dishonor her parents and family. We love her enough to show her that choices have consequences, sometimes life altering ones. The peace that descended on our home after she left was heavenly. My advice to parents struggling with an out of control rebellious teen is to let your love have the strength to do the right thing, even if it means putting them in another setting. They have no right to destroy the home and childhood of their siblings because of their sin. We pray for God's ministering work in her heart through His Holy Spirit. That alone will change the lives of prodigals.

Just to report on the effect on my prodigal's behavior since The Great Cellphone Deactivation: things are much better between us. She communicates more with me about where she is and what her plans are. She is more pleasant. She walked in from the living room the other morning with a cereal bowl in her hand and said, "Is this your's?" My shocked expression said everything. She went to the message board on the fridge and wrote, "Mom - strike 1." We laughed together. Both kids are making a real effort to tow the line and I'm thinking that perhaps they should be rewarded a little bit. Perhaps going out to eat, which is rare for us due to our financial circumstances.

When my daughter was growing up we were very, very close. I even home schooled her for a few years (which she has used against me because it "ruined her life"). Frankly, I think it is difficult to face separating herself from the close relationship she has had with her dad, her brother and me. She might be the least bit frightened.

I remember being awfully resentful toward my mom during my prodigal period. I resented the fact that her good opinion was so important to me even though I wouldn't admit it to myself. Therefore, even the slightest sign of disapproval or even just non-approval from my mother stung me.

God's grace is such a precious gift. I was covered with it for so long. All the while, during my prodigal period, my carnal period, my lone-Christian period, my mother was praying for me and deep down in my consciousness I knew it.

"But while he was a long way off, his father saw him and had compassion for him . . ."

Wow !! How I thank God for all of the comments. As Leaders (Elders)in our church sometimes it is difficult to talk to others and sometimes you think that no one else can be going through the kind of "hell" that we are with our child. It is comforting to know that others have gone through and are going through and still standing on the Word of God and in Faith. Having a rebellious son is no joke and it is something that we never thought we would go through to this extent (children can really stretch you), but through it all God has been so faithful and He has showed me so many areas where I needed development. We began this journey with our prodigal son when he graduated from high school in 2006 and it has been quite a ride. He is now facing felony charges and possible jail time for burglary. Truly it has been prayer and the support of others that has gotten my husband, myself, and our youngest son through it all. I am truly encouraged as a mom and wife to read the stories of others who are on this journey of life with me. I can so relate to so many of your testimonies. I am reminded of Hebrews 12:1-3. I won't quote it all, but to all the "great cloud of witnesses" out there I salute you in the name of the Father.

My husband and I were on aa 10 year journey with 2 prodigal sons. It seemed like the example of the oldest set the pattern for the younger. The younger, however, has a personality of extremes. He did whatever his brother did and took it several degrees farther. He ended up in jailin medium security and was threatened to be sent to maxium security for one more infraction. He told a psychologist that no one could control him unless they wore a gun and a pair of handcuffs. Needless to say we were at our wits end. We kept going back to the story of the prodigal son. We realized that the prodigal had to eat with the pigs before he was ready to return to his father. This was the epitomy of lowliness for a Jewish boy. We realized our son would have to get to that point before we would see a change in him. So we began to pray that he would experience "eating with pigs" or its equivalent in his life and that we would be waiting like the father with open arms. God taught us the meaning of unconditional love through the whole thing. He did "eat with pigs" and he did come home. We embraced him and he has come back to God.

My husband and I were on aa 10 year journey with 2 prodigal sons. It seemed like the example of the oldest set the pattern for the younger. The younger, however, has a personality of extremes. He did whatever his brother did and took it several degrees farther. He ended up in jailin medium security and was threatened to be sent to maxium security for one more infraction. He told a psychologist that no one could control him unless they wore a gun and a pair of handcuffs. Needless to say we were at our wits end. We kept going back to the story of the prodigal son. We realized that the prodigal had to eat with the pigs before he was ready to return to his father. This was the epitomy of lowliness for a Jewish boy. We realized our son would have to get to that point before we would see a change in him. So we began to pray that he would experience "eating with pigs" or its equivalent in his life and that we would be waiting like the father with open arms. God taught us the meaning of unconditional love through the whole thing. He did "eat with pigs" and he did come home. We embraced him and he has come back to God.

As the mother of a prodigal daughter who has yet to come back to the loving embrace of her heavenly Father, it is heartbreaking to watch her make poor choices. I continue to pray daily for her and have put this in my Father's hands. I read Janet Thompson's new book, "Praying for Our Prodigal Daughters" and highly recommend it.

Wow, what amazing stories you all have. I am currently in the process of writing ten stories about prodigal daughters (who now have "happy" endings) as part of a larger book project. If you or your daughter would like to tell your story to help other young women, I'd like to hear from you. There is no compensation for sharing your story, but the book is being published by a major Christian publisher in cooperation with a famous Christian recording star. If you're interested, email me at stories@jenniferschuchmann.com and I can give you more details.

I am looking both for the really dramatic stories (drugs and alcohol) as well as less dramatic but more relatable stories (I stopped going to youth group), so whatever your story if you're interested in sharing it, I am interested in hearing it.

Blessings to each of you - Jennifer

Thank you so much for your column. I am facing the same situation with my 17 year old daughter. I am truly convinced that she hates me. So my natural resonse is to shield my self from her verbal and emotional abuse. I have remained faithful and realize Who my help come from. Many of my friends have been amazed that I have been enabled to withstand such wiles of satan, but I have come to realize, as you did that these trials will make me stronger. Now that is enough about me. I am encouraged, to keep praying for my daughter and not to give up on her completly, even though it is easier to try to remove yourself from her fury.
Thanks again for your article. I have read the one written Feb 8th and April 8th. Do you have any others between these dates that I may have missed?
Blessings
Rhonda