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April 8, 2008

Prodigal in the House—Part II

by by Sherryl Stone

Earlier this year in "Part I," I shared some practical lessons learned during our daughter's defiant teen years. This time I will approach things from a spiritual vantage point.

Looking back over our experience I now appreciate the gift time game me, perspective. We weathered many long years of our daughter's adolescent rebellion and learned many lessons. Here are a few:

1. Cling to your faith.

Until I experienced our prodigal's rebellion this statement seemed trite. Over time Satan tempts us to doubt that the Lord is working on our behalf. When this temptation was greatest I asked myself how giving up on my faith would make things better. I realized it would only make things worse.

Isaiah 7:9 really impacted me: "If you do not stand firm in your faith, you will not stand at all." In light of the Lord's past faithfulness I determined to stand firm.

I grew in my faith as I drew upon his provision of love, patience and endurance in a way I had never known. As I surrendered myself, my family, and my circumstances to his will, the Lord began to change me.

I gained a new perspective concerning my own sin. The pain and disappointment I felt as a parent made me wonder if this was a glimpse of how the Lord felt toward me when I rebelled against Him.

2. Learn to love supernaturally.

Most people consider me a loving person. I did, too, until my love for my own daughter almost ran dry. Because Heather hurt me so deeply, I wanted to withdraw from her emotionally to protect myself. I cried to the Lord, "I can't love her. I don't have any more love to give!" Romans 5:5 began to transform my mind and my heart. It says, "... and hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit ." When I began to open my heart to his love for my daughter, supernatural love began to trickle, then later flow through the hardened places of my heart. As I yielded myself to the Holy Spirit's control, he met me in my pain and helped me see Heather through his eyes and love her with his heart.

3. Hold tightly to hope.

As weeks gave way to months and then years, I began to question if things would ever change. Counseling sessions, rehab, boot camp, hospitalizations. You name it. We tried it. Things would improve for a while and then they'd bottom out. Discouragement and despair weighed heavily on me. In my Bible reading I came across this verse. "I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living" (Psalm 27:13).

I had to remind myself that with the Lord there is hope. In fact Romans 15:13 refers to the Father as the "God of Hope." When it seemed like hope was nowhere to be found, the Lord gave me this breath of fresh air, "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." I asked some trusted friends to pray that godly hope would permeate my heart and soul. I gradually experienced what I came to call a "faith transfusion" concerning Heather. Hope began to flow as I chose to fix my eyes on the God of hope and move forward in faith, trusting him every step of the way.

The prodigal years, though some of the most difficult times in my life, proved to be a rich training ground in faith, love and hope.

Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on April 8, 2008 11:07 AM

Comments

Sometimes through everything we must take this thought with us, "I cannot change her(or him), I must love her as she is and accept that the biggest part of our relationship exists in the now, not when everything is perfect or even better. Am I perfect ...? Bottome line is "NO!" So why must anyone else measure up to that standard that even I cannot ever attain?
If we are to truly love as Jesus loved, that is the secret..we just do it. Period and it is not easy, but it just is, and that's it!

Posted By: Linda K | April 9, 2008 12:01 AM

I'm frequently saddened and encouraged all at the same time when I hear another story like this. My son was/is a prodigal as well. This is truly one of the most significant trials I've ever encountered. However, like Sherryl, it has been such a learning experience for me. I've come to understand fully (as much as my earthly mind and heart is capable) the meaning of unconditional love. My God and Savior has loved me through prodigal times of my own. I have no idea where I'd be without that grace. The least I can do is extend that same grace to my child and others. My prayer is that others can be uplifted by sharing our experiences. May God bless you all.

Posted By: Michele | April 9, 2008 8:11 AM

I too have a prodigal. Hold tightly to hope spoke volumes to me. Things for him improve for a while, then they bottom out, and he's back to square one. I've witnessed to the child and counseled until I've had no more to give. It's mentally exhausting, yet I press on sharing God's word and consistently telling my prodigal he needs Jesus. I agree, having a prodigal is rich training ground for our faith. Through this experience we become stronger.

Posted By: Cynthia | April 9, 2008 9:20 AM

Thank you
Sherryl. I too experienced all these issues and what you are saying is absoluted correct. I want to know if you have ever had to send your daughter away for long term residential treatment? This is what we are facing now. Family members do not understand even when I tell them the things going on in his life.

Posted By: bonnie epperson | April 11, 2008 7:55 PM

Bonnie,
Yes, we did have to send our daughter away for long-term residential treatment more than once. In some cases it helped; in other the results weren't as evident. There are so many more places available today than there when we used them. Do your research, pray, and get references from others who have sent their children there. The Lord will lead you.

Another thing we had to determine in discerning long-term treatment was to look at our prodigal's impact on our entire family at home. The tumultuous defiance of our prodigal on the other kids made it necessary to have a break from her and her from us. We realized that she would not allow us to parent her. No matter what we tried she was determined to do only what she wanted. For the sake of everyone involved a therapeutic intervention had to happen!

Posted By: Sherryl Stone | April 12, 2008 9:05 AM

This line really hit home: Because Heather hurt me so deeply, I wanted to withdraw from her emotionally to protect myself.

It's not only relevant to prodigals, but to how we--specifically I--handle relationships and hurt. It helps me to think about that, to remember why my mom pulled away when I was so rebellious, and also helps me consider why I pull away from some friends and other relationships, family and otherwise, too.

Posted By: Molly | April 12, 2008 9:20 AM

I put my son in a residential rehab in Atlanta last summer. The program was really good and helped a lot. http://www.marrinc.org/

Posted By: PJC | April 12, 2008 5:40 PM

Thank you again, Sherryl, for sharing lessons learned in pain. I would like to invite you and others to visit our new website, PrayerforProdigals.com, which will be available around May 1. And to participate in the June 2 Worldwide Day of Prayer for Prodigals. You can read about it and join us at the website. It is a day of powerful community as thousands around the world come together to lift up our loved ones who are walking a sad and dangerous path.

Posted By: Judy Douglass | April 14, 2008 6:11 AM

Hello. My daughter's name is Heather too. Every thing you went through, I experienced too. She rebelled as a teenage after a friend's son molested her when she was ten. As her mom I was so blind and denying to address the issue even after I suspected something had happened to her until it became apparent she was involved in drugs and running to hide her pain. If took years of loving her, chasing her and trying to build bonds of love; dealing with the hurt; and especially praying. God listened to a mom's broken heart prayer and my daughter today is drug free! She still struggles to build a new life but now has some positive goals for herself. She has not come back to the Lord totally yet but this mom continues to pray and trust God.

Posted By: betty | April 14, 2008 8:43 AM

I could use some advise, I have a 21 year old daughter that is in recovery for an eating disorder. To make things short, she was molested, raped and manipulated by a high school boyfriend and his friend. I never knew it because she hid it so well. She was rebellious but more passive then outspoken. When she was 18 and we found out about her eating disorder we tried to get her help. she refused, then in Nov. of 2007 with the help of christian friends we all intervened and she finally agreed she needed help. She was sent away to remuda ranch, came home but went right back into some of her old ways of living. It has been a financial disaster for us but at the same time we love her, but it has become almost more then we can bare, she lives at home is growing in the Lord but still will not honor us by coming home at night and working on her recovery as she had promised she would do. It is causing a lot of stress in the house, my son is 19 and has been a rock, spiritual strong and tries to give her good counsel and grace, but she still doesn't see anything wrong with staying at this boys house over night where all the distrust during the last year has gone on. I need some christian advise on how to handle this. I do pray alot. klc157@yahoo.com please email if you can.

Posted By: Kerri | April 15, 2008 4:36 PM

I am writing this as a former prodigal child. My parents were older when I was born, and our family life was not easy. For both my parents, 'denial' was not a river in Egypt! That is still the family way. My father died years ago, my mother is living at the age of 88. It has taken quite a while; but I pray daily for the grace of forgiveness: the Lord has forgiven me. I need to forgive my family. I have to say this: please forgive tour children, and yourselves. Please.

Posted By: Chris Archer | April 25, 2008 10:29 AM

As of May 1, the PrayerforProdigals.com website is online. I invite you to come see us--there are so many words of encouragement and hope and lots of resources and help. We will focus for the next month on the Worldwide Day of Prayer for Prodigals on June 2. Please share the first names (and requests if you wish) of any prodigals you love and desire prayer for!

Posted By: Judy Douglass | May 1, 2008 7:33 AM

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