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May 20, 2008The Title I Didn't Ask For
I married a banker. I like to remind my banker-turned-pastor husband of this when we're having a particularly difficult time in the ministry. Although I wouldn't trade his occupation (some would say "calling"), my husband's career choice bestowed on me a title I never bargained for when we walked down the aisle.
I am a pastor's wife.
While I know plenty of women who are thrilled to bear this title, I've never worn it very well. I was always confused by the girls at the Christian college I attended who said they felt "called to become a pastor's wife." Since I grew up Catholic, I was astonished to learn that pastors were allowed to marry. More shocking to me, however, was the idea that God would call a woman to be a spouse of someone's occupation.
How do we treat the women (and men) who happen to be married to our pastors? Do we balance them precariously on high pedestals? Do we set impossible-to-live-up-to expectations for them to follow? Are we quick to criticize when they fail or act (gasp!) human? Will we take the time to get to know - really know - them?
Over the years I have been introduced to others without my first name. Just "the pastor's wife," as though the label alone is sufficient in describing who I am. "I'm Eileen," I gently correct. I usually get the same response. "Oh ... nice to meet you." As the conversation progresses, I feel their eyes examining me as though something about my stance, attire, or aura might confirm that I am, in fact, married to a pastor.
What they seem to be looking for - and what they'll never find in me - is perfection. It is assumed that my children never fight, my husband and I never disagree, my home is always clean for drop-in visitors, and my meals are always nutritionally balanced. It is believed that I can, on a moment's notice, whip up a casserole for a funeral dinner or fill in for the pastor. For them, I am a symbol - a projected fantasy of what it means to live a life of faith - not an actual person. Many prefer to believe the plastic persona rather than get to know the authentic, warts-and-all woman behind the smile.
My new acquaintances will often keep themselves in check, being careful not to swear or make a bad impression. Some actually apologize for their lack of church attendance or relay horrifying experiences from the last church they attended. Aisle 8 of the grocery store always makes for an awkward confessional booth.
With a title like mine, it is easy to feel pushed into a box with the lid closing fast. In an age when Christianity seems to be defined more by a political party than with the life of Christ, I am immediately prejudged. Many assume I agree with the outlandish comments spewed by famous evangelicals, and are surprised (at times offended) to learn what I really think.
For those who suppose they have me pegged, I'd like to dispel a few stereotypes. I don't believe Jesus would be a Republican or a Democrat. I applaud those who may not be churchgoers, but whose actions and generosity reflect Christ more than the lifestyles of many professing Christians. I believe God wants for us to prosper, but not necessarily in the way our American culture dictates, and certainly not just for personal benefit.
By the way, I don't wear stockings, pumps, or flowered dresses with lace collars. Nor do I don Tammy Faye-style false eyelashes, wigs, or sequins. I prefer jeans, khakis, and classic T-shirts. I don't volunteer in the nursery or children's church (I've had three children of my own; that was more than enough). I don't perform with the music team. With a voice like mine, no one will let me on, and the only song I know how to play on the piano is "Chopsticks."
However, I try to use the gifts I have been given in the church and community as a teacher, writer, and friend.
Life in a pastoral family can be unpredictable and intense. Obviously we cannot plan for funerals or 3 a.m. phone calls. We hold our breath as we prepare to go on vacation, and I bite my tongue if our children complain about going to church. I've vowed to never respond to their complaints with "You have to! You're the pastor's kid!" I know all too well the claustrophobic feelings associated with the label.
There are those who jokingly suggest my husband has an easy life "since he only works a few hours on Sunday morning." They have no idea what it takes to lead a church, write weekly sermons, counsel those battling addictions, or inspire people to make eternal choices. They cannot imagine the burdens that keep him awake night after night.
Some might find my ideas, opinions, and loud way of laughing (and snorting) a little incongruous for a pastor's wife. But if you take the time to get to know me, you'll discover a person working through the same faith and life issues as everyone else.
Just don't forget to ask me my first name.
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Comments
Thanks, Eileen. Good words! I'm glad to know it's possible to be a pastor's wife without musical skills. :-) So, tell us about you. How have you made those contributions as a teacher, writer and friend? Blessings to you!
Posted By: Judy Douglass | May 22, 2008 6:03 AM
The role of a pastor's wife is perhaps one of the hardest on the planet—the goldfish bowl of job descriptions (and the water had better be spotlessly clean or else you are sure to hear about it from someone!)
Hopefully congregations are learning to treat these women as persons in their right rather than appendages of their husbands.
What is true is that a woman who is not "called" to share in this sometimes difficult world of ministry, can limit, and even destroy, her husband's effectiveness. That doesn't mean she has to be what everyone else expects her to be, but she does need to be as committed to the task as her husband is whatever specific function she may or may not have in the church.
Insightful article, Eileen.
Posted By: Lynda Schultz | May 23, 2008 9:34 AM
I love this article! Our pastor's wife has a career, two kids, and doesn't do any of the traditional things that a pastors wife does. It's accepted now - but but I remember many a conversation about letting Joan be Joan and not " the pastors wife" She is a great lady the way that God made her!
Posted By: Deb Mengler | May 23, 2008 9:39 AM
I am smiling reading this article. My mother is a pastor's wife who married a chemist - she's never liked the title much either.
As far as I go, I am a pastor, and my husband is a hard rock musician. Therefore he gets called a "pastor's wife" and I get called a "band widow".
Makes for some funny conversations and reactions - we rather enjoy it.
Posted By: patti | May 23, 2008 9:55 AM
If you click on my name above, you'll find a short bio. While "musical ability" isn't listed, you should know I'm an incredibly talented java drinker and can turn a mean cartwheel.
Posted By: Eileen Button | May 23, 2008 10:45 AM
Amen Sister!
Posted By: Juli | May 23, 2008 11:58 AM
Thanks Eileen, I understand what you mean by others not knowing your name. My husband has made it a point that he introduces us as our names not our title. I find it difficult to be real with some, but others welcome it and are glad that we are "normal" like them. Great article.
Posted By: Stephanie | May 23, 2008 12:05 PM
I identify with you Eileen because I have been married to a pastor for the last 17 years. At first it was not easy because though I loved the Lord I had never imagined getting married to a pastor (then he was a pastor for 2 years).Then I felt odd and very unprepared to carry this role especially because of the many unreasonable expectations people placed on. I felt so lonely and wondered whether I would remain this way the rest of my life. I wanted to live and be fulfilled in my role as a wife and a mother, but not as a Pastor's wife. At one time I longed for a time when my husband would resign as a Pastor, he was a trained teacher after all. I had received good pre-marital counselling but nobody helped me on what to expect in my new role.
God can use our experiences for His glory, for out of this God gave a ministry to the Pastors' wives. We meet about 55 pastors wives for prayer every two months. I also counsel with those sisters who are planning to get married to Pastors. I would be very glad to attend a Pastors wives' conference so that I can make new relationships and get more equipped for this ministry. I live in Africa So Eileen and our other Pastors' wives get encouraged God will give you the grace to continue.He ordained what you are now before time began. Lizzie Gachie-Kenya
Posted By: LIZZIE GACHIE | May 23, 2008 4:04 PM
Thanks a million Eileen! Amen and Amen to most of the points you have mentioned. I am a pastor's wife too. If I am good in writing, I would have written series and series of stories about "pastor's wife"! Sometimes I even felt like going to another church to be myself. Am I being self-centered? My husband was an engineer and I was a college professor before we were both "called" to be missionaries, but now my husband decided to be a pastor in a Chinese church. I decided to go back to part time teaching, just to keep some distance from the "church" to reduce the expectations from the congregation!
BTW, do you know if there is some kind of a "Pastor's wife fellowship Group"? I would really like to join if there is one in the Portland, Oregon area.
Posted By: Suzanne Ng | May 23, 2008 6:47 PM
Great article - having been a pastor and currently a so called "pastor's wife", I enjoy reading it and could certainly identify with what was written.
That God would call a woman to be a spouse of someone's occupation made me laugh - Oh I hope God has much more than that planned for us women who are made in God's image.
Posted By: Christal Richardson | May 23, 2008 7:20 PM
You know, the title 'pastor's wife' is a moot title, much like 'musician's wife' or 'carpenter's wife. Being married to someone who is gifted in a certain way in no way confers on the partner the capacities that person with the gift has.
I can understand why people tend to entitle the people married to their pastors, but there is no actual job title of pastor's wife.
I used to be the pastor's wife until I was acknowledged to be a pastor myself 20 years ago as I was clearly a ministry leader myself and our movement recognised it... but until very recent years I was still called the pastor's wife. Its a title that springs easily to the minds of people.
The only way it will change is by people married to pastors graciously refusing to accept the title.
Posted By: Bev | May 26, 2008 3:42 PM
I'm going to play devil's advocate. There is a little bit of self pity that echos in this article. Quite honestly, all married women are "wives of the carpenter, the teacher, the accountant, the mechanic, etc". Every time I go with my husband-I am Mark's wife" So to some extent this is normal and stop making such a big deal out of it. I am a businesswoman and when he comes with me-he is "Trisha's husband"! Second, I would suggest you not find other women pastors and sit around and commiserate-make friends with lots of people-and lots of women. Third, stop engaging in the discussion at all. Live your own life, set your own boundaries. You and your husband determine your choices-what you do and what you don't-stop blaming other people.
Being a pastor's wife has its ups and downs- so does being married to a doctor or a businessman who travels or a construction worker who gets called out in storms or other housing emergencies.
Quite honestly, self pity is pretty rampant among church leaders.
That being said, the most important thing any of us can do is look at each other as unique individuals who God has gifted and offer a blessing on that person-release them to fulfill their calling- and get on with our own lives!
Posted By: trisha | May 27, 2008 2:33 PM
Trisha -- I think the point is that she is getting on with her own life. And the point is that people refer to her as "the pastor's wife," but probably rarely, if ever, refer to him as "Eileen's husband." And nobody ever says "this is the doctor's wife," or "this is the electrician's wife." And yes, one of the "most important thing[s] any of us can do is look at each other as unique individuals who God has gifted...." But people aren't doing that--she's still viewed as "the pastor's wife." The point is that people are placing expectations on her because of her husband's job title. Nobody expects a mechanic's spouse to be an expert on auto repair or physician's spouse to know how to set broken bones. I keep saying "the point is" because you seem to have completely missed it.
Posted By: Matt J | May 30, 2008 9:45 AM
Thank you Eileen for this sharing. I am married to a business man who after 8 years of marriage and 3 children turned pastor. I also grew up Catholic so the role models of what a pastor's wife is did not exist. I only had the "stereotypes" in my mind. I make clear in some writing and speaking I do, that I do not play the piano/organ, sing in the choir, cook, work in the nursery or teach Sunday School and I will wear what I want to church. I am Nancy and I have my own ministry outside the church. So I can certainly relate to your article. Thank you.
Posted By: Nancy | May 30, 2008 10:10 AM
Has anyone addressed the fact that calling someone "the Pastor's wife" is a title of respect? My husband was called the "Pastor." People used that title out of respect. I was the "Pastor's wife." People used that title as a title of respect. Did it make us better than others? No. It is a courtesy. Yes, I know it has been misused. But don't judge everyone who uses it by those who misuse it.
We refer to Mrs. Bush as the "wife of the President" and with that role are some expectations but much more than that a recognition of respect. Is she better than everyone else? No.
I'm sorry. I don't see that this is a put down or something to shy away from. Maybe this is because I am one of those who does feel called to full-time ministry and it is nice to be seen as part of what my husband does even if I stay home with the kids or have another career.
I'm no longer "the Pastor's wife." But when I use the phrase, I mean it with upmost respect for a woman who loves and supports a man who carries a heavy load.
Posted By: tina sessoms | June 6, 2008 9:39 AM
Thanks Eileen! I feel the same way. My husband is a chaplain in the military, so I start over with people every 3-4 years. UGH! And to Trish, you're obviously NOT a "pastor's wife"!
Posted By: MIchelle | June 7, 2008 8:36 AM
Great article Eileen, since i got married, my first name seem missing from the lips of everyone.I'm a pastor's wife and just a few people in the church knows my first name. Its actually annoying sometimes but comforting to know am not just the one going thro that. God bless you and continue excelling in the gifts God has bestowed on you.
Posted By: Nicole | July 14, 2008 3:40 AM
Just wanted to say that Trish and Tina make some good points. Praise the Lord for the high calling and high privilege of being a pastor's wife. It can be hard work but start focusing on the ladies that are in the church and see their needs. They have just as many difficulties and struggles no matter who they are married to. How many of them actually get the privilege of working with their husbands daily? And as far as serving- let's look for the needs and fill it- even if it is not our favorite place to serve. Christ is the ultimate servant and that's where true joy is. We are a blessed group- let's get our eyes back on the Lord Jesus whom it just makes sense to serve. Rom. 12:1
Posted By: lovin'thuministry | September 9, 2008 8:10 PM
I'm reading this article 2 years after it's been posted. I wanted to let you know, Eileen, how affirming it is for me! I've been struggling with the title myself for several years so I've just started seeing our marriage/life-issues counselor that we have on speed dial regarding my thoughts/feelings. Thank you for your insight. The 1st one that made an impact on me was "the feeling of being pre-judged". That nailed it for me! I'm taking this idea to God & to Dr. Cris!
Posted By: MaryBeth | August 19, 2010 9:31 PM