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August 26, 2008

Bold Forgiveness

by by Sherryl Stone

The last place we expect to get hurt is within the family of God. We assume church people are safe people. But, hurt comes with church leadership. When it happens, the wounds it brings can quickly become a breeding ground for bitterness.

Bitterness can become a gnarly vine that chokes our souls. It poisons our hearts and actions. Scripture says we and others will pay a great price if it is left unchecked (Hebrews 12:15).

What's a Christian to do? When we are wronged, justice demands that someone pay for the wrong. We know that the Lord wants us to forgive. But how can we handle the tension between justice and forgiveness?

I came face-to face with this dilemma when my husband and I planted a church. We relocated to another state with two preschoolers and another on the way. Our church and our daughter were born six weeks apart. After a few months we found out that a couple from our previous church was moving to our area and wanted to help us in our new church. We were ecstatic. After a year of serving together in our fledgling church, our baby was diagnosed with a brain tumor. The pressures of church and our daughter's life-threatening illness seemed too much to bear. My husband and I were in the hospital with our daughter after her brain surgery when we got a call from this couple. They informed us that they were leaving our church. We were blind-sided. My husband asked them if we had offended them in any way. After assuring him they were not offended, they gave some flimsy excuse about their decision.

I began to pray about how to handle this hurt. As I read the Bible it became clear that I couldn't be right with God and refuse to forgive. In Matthew 6:12-14 Jesus says that there is a correlation between our forgiveness of others and our sins being forgiven. Like most things in the Christian life, God wants us to pass along to others what he has given to us. Matthew 18:21-35 explains that refusing to forgive someone who has offended us is a direct affront to God's grace. Since we have been forgiven for "all" our sins, we can't justify not forgiving the "few" offenses from others.

I was still hurt, but I knew that clinging to it was not worth the price of unforgiveness and the resulting bitterness. Forgiveness must begin in the heart and work its way out into our emotions and actions. It satisfies our sense of justice when we remember that Jesus has already paid for that sin on the cross. In choosing to forgive we get a taste of what our sins cost a holy, loving God. We release our right to require others pay for their offenses.

My path to forgiveness began with prayer for myself and my offender. Every thought of her prompted me to pray, although it was hard. I focused my Bible reading and worship on Christ's death on the cross. Mentally I pictured the offense nailed there.

The next step came by surprise. A few months later I saw my offender in a store, although she didn't see me. I felt like hiding in another part of the store until she left, but the Lord convicted me to initiate a conversation with her. As our conversation ended, the Lord impressed me to hug her. After an inward struggle I chose to obey and silently breathed a prayer for her as we embraced. The hug became a redeeming action that resulted in a supernatural freedom to love this woman unconditionally. Love triumphed.

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Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on August 26, 2008 12:18 PM

Comments

Wow - what a story. As a pastor's wife I can completely relate. The "job" of God is tied to your heart... it's almost impossible for your heart not to break. Last time this happened to me, I did hide when I saw the "offender" at a cafe. I should have embraced the woman with a hug, but I just didn't have the strength.

Did you ever find out the reason for their decision to leave?

And how is your daughter?

Posted By: Shane | August 26, 2008 1:34 PM

A very timely article for a pastor's wife who recently experienced immense pain from the church. I too have struggled with forgiveness toward the offenders. Bitterness has been an ever present intruder that I have battled to keep out. Thanks for the encouragment and reminder. With God's help, I am getting there.

Posted By: Rhonda | August 26, 2008 9:26 PM

Shane,

Thank you for your comments and your questions.

I did find out why the woman left our church. Six weeks after our daughter's surgery our former church member called to check on our daughter. In the course of the conversation I asked her what the real reason was for their leaving the church. She told me that they left our church because "I was not the pastor's wife she hoped I would be." When I asked her what that meant, she told me that she wanted someone to go to the mall with and for our daughters to play together. I quickly apologized, got off the phone and cried for 2 days.

I didn't have the perspective or maturity then that I do now to see deeper issues. All I could see is that I was a failure as a pastor's wife. It was devastating, but I have grown through it with the Lord's help.

Our daughter eventually had 3 brain surgeries by the time she was 5 years old. When she became 13 she developed severe seizure-like symptoms which multiple doctors have not been able to get under control. She has been chronically ill now for almost 9 long years. She has improved over the last year with an experimental brain implant so that she can now attend some college classes.
This has been another area of deep struggle and perseverance as we have learned and are continually learning to walk by faith and to trust God's heart.

Posted By: sherryl stone | August 27, 2008 8:01 PM

I have been battling resentment as well. We had to say goodbye to a staff member who wants to plant a church nearby! It is very hard not to be bitter when what we are being told by one group doesn't line up to what we are told directly. Our only hope is to simply trust and know God's church will survive no matter how messed up the process gets! In the end resentment and unforgiveness only hurts me and my walk with God.

Posted By: Lori Biddle | August 28, 2008 7:40 AM

I can really identify with you. It also happened to us when a very committed and key member of our church left. It took my husband and I God's grace to get over the pain and hurt.
This message is just right on time as I am also learning to how to relate with a colleague who has really hurt me.
Thanks for blessing me.

Posted By: Tope Ore | August 29, 2008 10:57 AM

This topic is very difficult to for all of us. As a Pastoral Counselor I never encourage people to forgive without thoroughly allowing them to experience the pain.

In order to forgive we cannot gloss over what was done. I do know that God gives us the power to forgive but we have emotions that need to be acknowledged.

The worst hurt comes from other believers, those we trust and believe in. True forgiveness takes time and honesty and lots of hard work. I have found that I need to revisit the situation more times than I want to in order to get to the root of what has happened.

God makes this possible by opening up the wound until all the toxins are gone and then giving us the grace to truly forgive. Only then are we set free from the pain of the situation. This is a true work of the Holy Spirit in our lives.

Posted By: Alicia | August 29, 2008 1:40 PM

What a wonderful post. Sadly, I have learned that instead of being the last place to expect to find this sort of hurt, it's the first place. American Christians are more guilty than anyone of "shooting the wounded" or fighting amongst themselves.

God, however, has called me to forgive others - as He forgave me. Not to those who deserve it, because I certainly didn't deserve it.

Posted By: Tami | August 29, 2008 3:55 PM

Dear Sherryl: I have been struggling with the root of unforgiveness and bitterness, because of lack of intimacy in our marriage. This is due to my husband's chronic illness. I thought it was my fault and the guilt was "killing" me. I have chosen though to accept the love of Christ and love of God to get me through this. It is a process to forgive, but it is the forgiveness of God living through me that makes it possible. His unconditional love surrounds me like a blanket.

Posted By: Nancy Klintworth | August 29, 2008 4:32 PM

Removing the root of unforgiveness and bitterness is extremely difficult. This has been my pain for the past 19 years. There has been a lack of intimacy in my marriage since our last child was born - due to my husband's chronic illness and his accusation that the child was not his. I have lived with this unforgivness until I recently made a conscious decision to love him as I would want to be loved. I know that God loves me. The blanket of love surrounds me and for me not to share God's love would be stupid. Have you read the book "The Shack"? This is what turned me around in my thinking. Life and love is a choice. Thank God He chose to love me unconditionally.

Posted By: Nancy Klintworth | August 29, 2008 4:46 PM

Thanks for your honesty and encouragement, Sherryl. I was a minister in training, and the pastor of the church, who had been my friend as well as my mentor, hurt me with comments in front of all of the church over and over, until I could stand it no more. When I left, he told me that I should never try to preach anywhere in this country again, or he would ruin my name. Not that I didn't deserve some of it, but certainly not what he put me through. I forgave him verbally two years ago, but have only come to the point of true forgiveness recently, as it took some time to work through the emotions involved.

Everything you say about both forgiveness and bitterness is absolutely true.

Posted By: Cheryl | August 30, 2008 8:12 AM

This article is on a perfect timing, the same question I'm asking now, " Is he worthy to be forgiven?". Pain struck me everytime I remember what he has done not just only to me but against church and God, but now I realized that people have and do deserve to have a second chance. Your bravery sherryl in facing the pain and reacting on it according to what God wants you to, though it was really tough, made me realize that forgiving him would result for an inner Peace I've been Longing for this past Few days. Thank You so much!

Posted By: chesca | September 2, 2008 3:10 AM

Nice post.. Read more: http://matrimonyxpress.bharatmatrimony.com/2008/08/couples/forgiveness-in-marriage/

Posted By: Amala | September 5, 2008 1:06 AM

Greetings to my sisters in Christ. This indeed is a very timely blog. I guess the only answer as to why we experience hurts, is so we may know what our Savior went through so we can become humble as He did. Even among our own brothers and sisters in Christ. I have experienced much of the same hurts and have forgiven seventy times seventy. God has elevated me into ministry and it seems so hard to move out because of all the hatred. I feel as though everyone has turned on me and that I am in a place all by myself. The church I attend is small and most of the members are related. I find myself associated with new converts more and isolating myself from hurtful comments and jestures.

I know God is continuing to keep and cover me, but I often times wonder how long it's going to go on. I have tried confronting the individuals to make peace, but no resolution on their part. I am just not at peace in the church I worship in and am praying for a way out. I have been suffering with private bitterness for some time and need a release.

I praise God for this opportunity to share.

Posted By: Sonja | September 15, 2008 11:20 PM

Wonderful article.
In forgiving others we really need to make vivid how our savior Jesus Christ has forgiven each of us. We forgive because it is what God desires of us. Make sure your motive to forgive is derived from your being obedient to God. I say this so as to protect those who ask for forgiveness and receive a ugly response from the person offended.

We forgive because we truly know and believe that God has forgiven us through Jesus!

I choose to forgive because I choose to be obedient to Gods word. This choice is very seldom a easy task. But never question or make cloudy ones need to forgive. It is a must.

How dare I judge and show unforgivness to my brother or sister with my knowing that through Jesus Christ, God has forgiven me of my sins.

There is never justification with our being unforgiving. We are children of Christ!!!

Jesus speaks on the subject very well when He says "forgive them .....for they know not what they are doing"

Brother Bert,

Posted By: Brother Bert, | January 26, 2009 7:10 PM

Thanks for the timely article. Hurts in the church do occur amoung God's people. It seems it is more devastating when that hurt comes from leadership; however, forgiveness is the key to maintaining a personal relationship with God. (That is my primary focus.)

I choose to forgive, live free from bitterness, and maintain the anointing God has placed on my life to edify His people.

Posted By: A. Washington | May 14, 2010 10:39 AM

For me the forgiveness has been hard in the double betrayal of sexual sin on the part of my husband and a friend I had grown up with and known for over 30 years. She seduced him and kept my attention diverted by telling me she was my Christian sister I could trust, all the while having sex with my husband. It is so incredibly hurtful and my husband and I are separated, not because I am unforgiving, but because there are things I need to have in the relationship in order to feel safe again after such a cruel violation. I truly feel raped by my "friend" and I feel my husband allowed it!!! I did not give permission for "my body" to have sex with her and what makes it harder is they had so much fun, pleasure, yes even ENJOYMENT harming both of our families. I can never be the only person my husband has had intercourse with in our marriage ever again. Our marriage bed IF it survives will always have a painful ugly DEFILEMENT stain on it...it can NEVER be taken away on this earth. I long for heaven. I long for the pain to go away. It hurts worse than ANYTHING else I have EVER gone through in my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't believe harlots and adulterers get the murder they are committing. The bible says blood is on their hands, it is from the knives they plunge into the hearts of those they made a vow before God and man to love, cherish, honor and BE FAITHFUL to!!!! I get how much it grieves our heavenly Father when we go after idols and tell Him He is not enough!!!!! I get that pain because it is reality in my marriage!!!! I get why the relationship between Christ and the church is compared to marriage!!!!! WHEN WILL THE INTENSE HORRIBLE PAIN GO AWAY??????????

Posted By: Victoria | May 14, 2010 12:29 PM

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