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October 14, 2008

Marriage: A Story Shared

by by Joy-Elizabeth Lawrence

"You were so young." That's what most people say when they look at the wedding picture displayed in our living room. And we were young - twenty-three and twenty-two, in a culture where the average age for first marriages is 26.7 years. And to add to that, we had only known each other fourteen months and had never lived in the same state. In hindsight I wonder if, to some people, our wedding eight years ago today looked like it was headed for disaster - our reckless choices leading to that one moment when one of us would wake up wondering, "Who is this strange person I married? And why did I make this commitment?"

Not that we haven't asked that first question, but, thank God, it has not been disastrous. After several months of marriage, Justin told me that he had thought I would love going to rock concerts. (I don't - too much smoke and noise.) And I was disappointed that, on Saturday mornings, he wanted to stay in bed (amazing!) while I launched myself into the blissful, productive, freedom of the weekend.

But despite these unmet expectations, we're happy we married. We had plenty of confirmation from close friends and family and felt led by the Holy Spirit. We wanted to marry, not just because we loved each other (we did), but because we liked each other - a lot. In his blog, Jesus Creed, Scott McKnight makes a good and unique argument for marriage and against divorce. This argument is memory and story. When Scripture says, "The two shall become one," we can read it not only as a physical oneness, but as a joining of story: my story + Justin's story = our story.

One of the earlier stories we share, one whose telling has repeatedly encouraged our marriage, happened a few weeks before our wedding. When Justin went to his alma mater homecoming and didn't call me during the trip (despite the fact that he said he would), I was furious. Upon meeting him at the concourse in the airport, the first thing I said, before a kiss or hug or any romantic greeting, was, "You didn't call!" I remember saying it with a percussive tongue in an accusatory manner. He looked at me, wide-eyed and shocked. He'd forgotten, of course, and this was before cell phone ubiquity. Meanwhile, about ten feet away, another couple was greeting each other after some absence. The man was down on one knee with a little box, proposing. I hoped they didn't see us; we were no poster children for the romance of airports. Later, when relaying this story to my parents, my dad said, "You know the big ?C', right?" "Commitment?" asked my mother. "Call?" I accused. "Communication," Dad said. Through the past eight years, we've joked about the 3 C's - and how they can all help make a marriage good, especially when practiced in tandem.

Another story, one that's actually less of a story and more of a shared philosophy, began before we were married when Justin attended a lecture on marriage. In it, the professor passed out a green piece of paper with a title and three lines of dialogue. It looked something like this:

A Christian Wedding

Couple: Help!

Congregation: We'll try!

Minister: Lord, stand by.

What we found so significant about this was that, rather than focusing on the couple as the pinnacle of the wedding ceremony, the community and God were given equal space. Sure, after eight years, Justin and I have spent a lot of time alone - just us. We have not seen some of the folks who attended our wedding since the actual day, and right now there are only two people who were there who live in our city. But a wedding takes place within a community of believers. And our vows are not just our vows. They are also the vows of the community. We hold some responsibility for each other's marriages. And, after eight years, I am thankful for members of our community - my parents and siblings and several close friends, who have continued trying when I've reiterated my need for help.

I love that the first miracle recorded in the Gospel of John is the story of the wedding in Cana where Jesus changes the water into wine. When the master of the banquet tastes the wine, he comments to the bridegroom, "Everyone brings out the choice wine first and then the cheaper wine after the guests have had too much to drink; but you have saved the best till now." Today I read this story as a metaphor for marriage in a culture where marriage is less about the community's responsibility and God's work and more about the actual wedding itself - the dress, the colors, the party. In our culture where youth, visual sensuality, and lustful romance are celebrated, a long-term marriage can start to seem archaic and boring. But, through the work of Christ, in our stories, long-term marriage can be ones where the better wine comes last, not first.

I'm well aware that eight years isn't long, and we're in for many unknowns to surprise and maybe scare us. But today, with eight years down and an unknown number until Justin and I are parted by death, I pray, "God, keep our story one. Give us strength to communicate even when we are tired or distracted. Help our community to support us in our covenant with one another and you. And give us the best wine last. In the name of Jesus, Amen."

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Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on October 14, 2008 12:39 PM

Comments

I love this piece, Joy-Elizabeth. My husband and I also got married young (I was only 20, he was 21), and we received a lot of grief for it. So many people warned us, saying, "You don't know yourself yet. Go out and discover yourself." However, we, like you, felt the urge of the Holy Spirit and we knew it was right. After only 2 years of marriage, my husband and I have found the beauty in knowing our own individual selves in the context of relationship. Growth and self-discovery do not happen in an enclosed vacuum. To assume so would be unbiblical. These things occur as we stretch and challenge one another, whether it's in marriage, friendship, or in the church body. Thanks again for sharing your story!

Posted By: Bonnie M | October 14, 2008 2:19 PM

Thanks for this piece; it is full of truths and great reminders. I also married young and had a short courtship. The first three years of our now 9.5-year marriage were very taxing. During them, I often asked your first question, “Who is this strange person I married?" and also sometimes your second, "And why did I make this commitment?”
But I DID know God had called me into the marriage and clung to the belief that He was sovereign over it and would bring it to fruition. And thank God I did. As our relationship grew and we moved past our first years of hurts and impasses, I found that there was no other area of my life in which God's faithfulness had ever been so real to me. And the challenges I learned there grew me like nothing else. There are some things in us, I believe, that God can ONLY reach and change through our marriages.
I often think about "our story" and how it is, as you say, a divine merger of two individual stories. It's an amazing thing to be a part of.

Posted By: SBA | October 14, 2008 5:08 PM

Joy-Elizabeth, what a beautiful tribute to marriage in general and your marriage in particular. My husband and I were 20 (me) and 22 when we got married - and many doubted that decision. And in fact, it has been a rough road. But a good one. And I'm so thankful to be living OUR story.

Posted By: Mary | October 16, 2008 11:11 AM

I remember the week leading up to my wedding. We had met at a summer camp and that was the place we decided to get married. So the time was spent getting things ready - not only the camp...but our hearts. I'll never forget the night we were sitting around just talking about the day and our conversation flowed into questioning why God had called us both to be married. The question wasn't about why we were marrying each other...we truly loved each other and in our deepest understanding we knew that the love was created in us by God. No...the question was why marriage for us? Being single wasn't a bad thing. And you don't have to be married to be complete. We both believed as single people that our primary purpose in life was to lead the Lord Jesus out into the open through our lives and actions. To partner with Christ as he seeks to save people. So somewhere during our discussion we settled into an agreement. Our primary purpose was the same but now it would be lived out as a married couple. From that agreement we talked about our roles for each other. We promised each other that we would love and care for the other in such a way that would encourage the other to be all that God created and needed them to be. And we would strive to be of help to the Lord as he continued to shape and mold us - and reveal our gifts and talents. How incredibly God - that while doing that - we have become more ONE. I love helping my husband figure out how to make time to lead wilderness outtings, coach soccer and little league, and volunteer on ski patrol. And he has always encouraged me as I train for marathons and road races, coach, and hang out with women in our community. Because we do this - we have allowed God to expand our area of influence and love for others. So many times I know I would of missed opportunities to share with someone the truth of Jesus and His sacrifice if my husband wasn't there to encourage me to enter that race, volunteer for that job, or take time to check something new out in our community. It is amazing that when one is being encouraged to be all that God desires them to be - well there is an incredible love for the one who is doing the encouraging. I yearn for our time alone together as and as a family! He is the best partner in life ministry for me. Last month we celebrated 24 years of marriage. I still am crazy in love with my husband...and my heart still beats fast when he pulls in the driveway. We are parenting three wonderful young men and have been leading christian outreach to high school students for over twenty years together. We have always encouraged our uniqueness within our oneness. Supporting the other to use the God designed talents he gave us. Marriage is something hard to truly figure out completely - but to me - it helps when I make it simple. I'm married because God knew that for the past 24 years He wanted me to live out my purpose for Him as a married women. Maybe my post doesn't really have anything to do with what was originally communicated. Hmmm - maybe just an encouragement to you younger couples...Love your husband in a way that will help him to be all that the Lord needs him to be to those around him...and ask your husband to do the same for you. Wow - to have a partner that wants to help me live out my purpose for my Lord and Savior...it is the best gift I have ever been given!

Posted By: Sandy C. | October 16, 2008 6:59 PM

Reading your story reminded me so much of my story. My husband and I were 26 and 28 when we married. We married exactly 3 months to the day after we met. That's right, 3 months. We only dated for 2 months. We got all the doubtful questions, such as: Are you pregnant? (No). Are you crazy? (Maybe).
We had both been through failed commitments before. Him, a broken engagement, me, a failed marriage. We had both prayed for God to send us a life partner and felt that special connection as soon as we met. Feeling everyone's doubts, we decided to elope and were married on a beach in Florida. We celebrated with family and friends a couple months later at an outdoor reception.
We chose to start a family right away and a year and 2 months (almost to the day), we welcomed our son. Finding out things we didn't know about each other during the early days of our marriage was both exciting and scary. Sure, there were times when we both thought ''What did we do?!" But being married, we couldn't just walk away, where if we were just dating, we may have.
Gladly, we stuck it out. Now 4 children and 12 fun filled, happy years later, we are standing strong together while several friends who dated each other long before they married are now divorcing or going through rough spots. While our families were skeptical at the news of our nuptials, they gave us their support 100% from the beginning and have never backed down. When you feel spiritually led by God that you are taking the right path with a partner, don't walk down it, run full speed ahead!

Posted By: Happily Married for 12 years | October 17, 2008 9:33 AM

Thank God for your marriage. I got married at what you may call an ideal age -29. I have come to realize that marriage is work, it is a process. Many people are so concerned about the external during the wedding ceremony (clothes, color, food) that they forget the true significance of the ceremony. I thank God for his grace and strength in my eight years of marriage.

Posted By: Anita Woiwor | November 9, 2009 10:10 AM

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