Yes, Yes, Yes. I, too, am tired of the superfical friendships. I have set about to develop new friendships who will challenge me, encourage me, and hold each other accountable. And for me to do the same. But it has to be mutual, and that is what I found lacking in previous relationships.

I think your right about this situation completely. I have one friend who listens to all her other friends, including her ex-hubby who is now her care taker. We was very close friends until her other friends butted in and changed her way of thinking clearly. Now she is distant from me. But she calls to see how i am doing when her other friends are not around.

I find that most women are not willing to invest the time in friendships once kids come into the picture. It's the first place we cut back. Friendships have to fit into a tiny time frame.

The only way I've remotely approached that level of intimacy is through a small prayer group of women. And when I say small, I mean small: it's only three people. Other friends have similar groups, and have found that any more than four women gets to be too much. And in order to get to the deeper places, you need to be patient. We spend two or three hours together, and much of that time is spent drinking coffee and chatting, and then we drag ourselves to prayer in the last 20 minutes. But without that time, the trust needed to mention deeper issues just isn't there. And we get into it all - marriage, parenting problems, faith issues. For me, because of the pressures of my job, it's really hard to set aside a morning a week for my little prayer group, but I've come to recognize that I need those friends, and so I sneak away from my desk.

I think time has something to do with it. It takes time to get to know one another and to let those friendships evolve. We need to stop rushing around so much (and I'm including myself in this) and devote time to groups, activities, etc. that let us meet with people and get to know them.

I think the superficiality of so many female relationships comes from a lack of trust. Women see each other as competition, as mirrors that reflect desirable things and undesirable things. Between hairdos, makeup, jewelry, and outfits that are supposed to say something about 'who we are'--where's the room for deep and meaningful relationships?

The way I look in the morning when I get out of bed is probably the most honest reflection of who I am and how I feel inside and I don't like it.The first objective before leaving the house and going into the public realm is to conceal as much as possible, paint life onto my face, perfect the expressions so well practiced over the last 36 years of my female life and hope that no one catches on.

I imagine this is a common enough experience for many women. But how can we be "light & salt" despite these worldly realities. I try to be authentic and truthful when I speak. I reach out to people in need. I have a good sense of humor--yet I've never managed to have the kind of relationships I so long for with the people that have come in and out of my life.

Despite the hollowness of many relationships we should still actively seek authenticity and the discovery of God's purposes for our lives. Hopefully empathy dedication and the forgiveness of our flaws can lessen the loneliness we might often feel in the company of others.

I feel the difference in womanhood today from my mother's is the multitude of things I juggle. I am frankly too tired to connect to other women after a day of work and then coming home a wife and mother. As much as I feel "fed" by my career, I do wonder about the days my mom had with a block full of moms who were home with the kids; they had great fellowship (not necessarily centered around Christ), over coffee and cigarettes (ok, not too healthy I know). Non the less, there was a connection, fellowship, and support from each other that I see as missing from my busy existance. I do have a few meaningful women friendships where I can be me and talk about my faith and relationship with God. Other than that, I'ts tiring to think about connecting authentically based on time limits and fast pace of my life experience.

How about some specifics on "how to"? I think we are so far removed from this kind of friendship that it is difficult to know how to begin steps back towards them!

Recently I was reading a book where the writer told of receiving a birthday gift from her husband--a week at a Florida condo with the girlfriends of her choice. I decided to make a list of the friends that I would invite if I had that opportunity. I found that the friends I chose were those who knew how to have interesting conversations, who liked to laugh but weren't put off by tears, and who were open and honest about their lives and interested in mine. They were women of faith who encouraged and challenged me in my faith. They were women with whom I could truly relax and be me. These women weren't necessarily long time friends, some were new and some I think would even be surprised to be included.

Making time for friendship is important. I have two friends that I pray with regularly. It takes determination and even sacrifice for us to keep up our meetings and conversation. But distance and lack of frequency does not necessarily mean there can be no meaningful friendship. One of my "kindred spirit" friends is now in heaven. When she was here we would not see each other often, but when we did get together we'd pick up from where we left off without missing a beat. Our common interests and passions made the time and distance fade away. Another helpful factor, if you are married, is your husband's support. This writer's husband recognized the importance of her friends. He didn't resent it, instead he did what he could to make it possible for her to be with her friends, knowing that it filled an important need in her life.

Every woman needs good friends, and we need to celebrate the friends that we have. Now that I have my list, I think I'll start lobbying for a week in Florida.

This was "devine intervention" as tonight was the first time I had gone out with any or a friend in many years. We were old acquaintances at a previous job and I had kept in touch over the years. Our overall conversation centered around how our lives had changed, how we as grandparents now see the importance of life as being sooooo different from years ago. We shared memories, laughed and somehow as with every so called friendship, this friend recalls rumors that had circulated about me. I came home to wonder......as I said.....our lives had changed so why would anyone who calls themselves a friend openly recall anything that would hurt another? It seemed to only remind me why I don't go out with OLD friends, but focus on new ones. I even reiterated how I had joined a church and was trying to do right even though I still make mistakes; being a Christian isn't easy, but I try to set the right example; learning from mistakes. Tonight I learned.......stick with friends that are Christians and build up rather than tear down.

I just have to say amen to this. I've been thinking about this a lot. Mostly because I have time, but also because I'm in a very isolated place, literally and figuratively. Far away from friends, etc. What I've found is most women "front" they want the veil of perfection to be shown to the ouside world. And let's face it, these days most people are so self-absorbed it's really sad. I've not made one friend since I've lived here, not one. I'm not used to that. The world has certainly changed, I just hope I remember how to make new friends (and have the good sense to pick wisely). It's hard to get close when most people are at arms length. Keep the good blogs coming!

God had laid the word "ISOLATION" on my heart a couple years ago. And I believe our society has us isolated from our extended families and friends. Our Women's Ministry group has been chipping away at isolation in prayer and focus.

I am finding it hard to bond to Christian women, it seems as if my sisters in the Lord are very jealous! For instance, I am educated, articulate, happy as a single woman, have my own business, leadership in my local church and regularly put on art exhibits. I am in my mid 30's and as I approached a milestone birthday, the big "3-0", I decided that I was going to live happily "ever after" in the contentedness that Christ daily strengthens me to live life with and the peace that He gave himself for me to enjoy! My benefits in the Lord! That does not mean life is easy but if I center my life in Him, these benefits are available. So, I "moved on" and I'm truly content. My "Christian" friends gripe about their singleness and their marriages. Typically, I try to be graceful and understanding, yet whenever I mention things that have to do with "work" or "ministry", they seem less interested to talk about these things. Its as if a relationship is number one. If I mention an exhibit or a recent rewarding accomplishment in my ministry or career (i do it to praise God), I don't hear (not that i NEED to) any feedback or encouragement. I really think that what is at the forefront of many Christian women is "relationships" with the opposite sex. Granted, that's very important and has its place but I feel very isolated as somebody who is "whole" and happy as a single.
I hope that anyone who has a single and happy friend does not "shun" her if she feels content in her singleness, I don't shun people who are content being married but I feel as if there's some kind of resentment for those of us who are single and content!

I also would like to hear some
"where to start" ideas. Relationships
are slow to grow, they require time to
develop. I have been opening up to
some women whom I know have needs/hurts
and have sought to encourage them, I have
prayed for them, and yet reciprocation
is slow...what holds us back from caring
enough to give...even a phone call, a note?

I was new in our city and saw our church on the phone book and gave the church a call,told the secretary I'm new in the city. Well,she contacted the lady who was 5 min away from my house.

Well,we became good friends and weeks and months I started to notice she didn't like when I stop and talk to other church members. It did grieve me because I love people and it's easy for me to make new friends.To cut the story short,she begun to organise tripps and my life.I couldn't say no,my decisions were not respected and sometimes she just turn up without calling.It was not easy to shake her off. Well I felt sufforcated. The way she started talking made me feel too small and was reminded of my ex who was a bully. I had to ditch her and she was making me ill,she was always speaking negetively all the time.Don't get me wrong,I love her,still do but she like to be IN CONTROL.

Now I'm afraid of church women But started to befriendling the olderly women. Its a shame putting people at arms length especialy church women.My friends in college are not Christians and find it easy to talk to.They are not fake but I'm praying for them to come and know Lord Jesus.

This is perhaps a response to Tari's post on "How to" from Oct 28th. I learned this from my dear husband Matt. Yes, he's a man however I feel it may be enlightening if women can make the effort as well. I noticed when I met my husband five years ago that he had many many friends. His phone was ALWAYS ringing. Those many friends were spread out literally all over the globe from the US to Japan. And, these weren't just ordinary aquaintances, these were real friendships. As I grew to know him better, I noticed a pattern. Aside from being from the Midwest where people are genuinely more friendly, Matt I found, is interested, TRULY interested in other people. He asks many questions and listens genuinely to their responses. I think people want you to be interested in what matters to them (especially women). It creates a closeness that is lacking. This takes careful evaluation as each person is different. What makes one person tick may be something totally different than another. Aside from what you have in common, you can learn a lot about a person by asking questions. You may learn some differences and contrasts that may in turn be beneficial to your relationship. Once you start asking questions and becoming truly interested in the answers (instead of responding by talking all about yourself), you may find that a person is drawn to you. It's about sowing the seed and then continuing to cultivate the relationship. Now I know that it's hard to find the time, especially with little ones (I have a 4 month old baby and two older children). However, if you're missing this and want it badly enough, you can find the time. I have worked in sales for several years now and part of my job has been business development and networking. I have been a part of several networking groups and I must say, I have developed friendships that will last a lifetime...long after I leave this city. So I say, have coffee and ask someone new, "What's important to you?". Make the time to listen to their response.

I find it very hard to make friends with women of like faith.One would think that with Christian women you could be yourself, more open,friendly,and eager to form a bond with. After all, we are on the same journey.Why cant we take off the mask's and not be afraid to expose our true self? Our real self.For example, I have been attending a small Bible study( or cell group as we call them)
It was going very well until this other girl came , and for some reason we didnt click. It eventually got to the point where there was a misunderstanding, something was said and I was made to be the 'culprit.'
My cell group leader, whom I dearly love - asked me to be the 'mature Christian'and set an example by letting it go.(she was involved also) So I did that.
For awhile.
Now I have some anger and resentment that I dont know what to do with, because the problem was never resolved.
The last time I was with the group,I felt alot of tension, the other person threw me a 'cut' - and I ignored it, but left feeling angry, and hurt,not what I should have been feeling , which was lifted up,encouraged and looking forward to the next week.
Instead I am making this a matter of much prayer because I dont think I will be going back.

The greatest things that keeps us from having profound friendships are fear of betrayal/rejection and lack of true forgivness/communication. These to me all go hand in hand. We are willing to try but once that friend hurts us we tend to clam up. We seem to forget that love is a decision, not an emotion. So you have to make a conscious decision to love a friend no matter what. You love them enough to tell the truth, to listen sincerely, to laugh and cry together, to grow together. A relationship such as this takes much effort, it's not a matter of "we click or we don't". God's will is that we love all people truly as we love ourselves...not a simple task but it is attainable. Just as you would work on your marriage you need to work on your friendship and unfortunetly in the age of fast everything, it's become sort of an abstract concept for us, a luxury to have the time to invest in a friend.
But remember whatever you reap that you also sow, therefore begin to be the friend you wish to have and you'll find someone right in front of you waiting to reciprocate!

To Gloria D, been there several times! Sometimes God allows situations like these to happen because there is something in us that he wants to deal with. If that's the case then no matter where you go you will be faced with another situation like this and another until you pass the test. Being the "Mature Christian" doesn't mean being disrepected or ignoring problems, afterall how is God glorified when you leave the group with all that baggage in your heart?
I would suggest, with your leader present, you confront this woman in love and get to the bottom of the problem. God will give you the strength and wisdom to do it. Don't leave your group over something so petty (afterall good things are worth fighting for) and don't be so quick to hand over your leadership because that's exactly what the enemy wants. Besides by not confronting her you are leaving this girl to potentially run other people from the group!
I will keep you in my prayers and I trust God will lead you to make the right decision.

Respectfully and Humbly,
Natasha

Thank God, I have a group of friends. But I thank myself also because I asked for Real friends and got them. Look up my blog for Real life tips. We have learned alot by confronting and accepting but it's hard work.

Amen to this blog! It helps to know that Christian women are having the same struggle that I am having. It seems as if this problem is huge in churches, but never talked about openly.
I am 31, single, a junior high teacher and happy where the Lord has placed me, although there is a piece missing-true Christian friendship. It seems that encouraging one another has gone by the wasteside because of the jealousy factor. I have met so many women who do not listen to each other sincerely, nor do they encourage each other sincerely without "one uping" the other.
Why can't we sit down and be open with each other without judging, jealousy and superficiality? Why can't we be happy for one another? The Lord wants us to be connected to each other on a deeper level. If one women are jealous of one another, then there is gossip, back stabbing and competitvness. This I have experienced in Bible studies. I just have to keep on praying that the Lord place true "salt of the earth" women in my life.

I just read this article and "superficiality" is right on target as it relates to "friendships" between women in the body of Christ.

My husband is funny. He will go out to the gas station and return home and state, "I just met a friend tonight." When I ask who he is (thinking he just ran into someone he's known for some time), he'll say, "I don't know his name, I just met him." I am the complete opposite. Over the years I can say that there is only one other woman that I can truly call "friend." And even with her, it has been extremely difficult to maintain that closeness due to conflicting schedules. Were it not for email and texting, we'd probably not have many conversations.

Our church has homogeneous small groups that meet each week, but quite frankly, while there is this ideal that we become fast friends and bond (enter into covenant relationship is what is really stressed), it just does not happen (although most are very good about keeping up the appearance). I, on the other hand have been very honest with my group's leader that calling someone my "friend" requires much more than seeing them once a week in the small group. Even when I was in the world it was just as difficult.

The reality is that friendship between women is a difficult thing, as one post before me states, because of jealousy, competitiveness or whatever insecurities women feel.

While, as the article states, we are made for community, I have found, quite frankly, that opening up and allowing yourself to be vulnerable around other women can lead to more problems than what it can help. My experience with this has been a lack of confidentiality, with the exception of that one person I can really call friend.

While I will admit that at one point I felt the need for that community, filling my time with other things that I truly enjoy doing has done away with the need.

I continue to attend the group studies and, while I do care about some of the women in the group, I cannot call them "friends" because that would require a certain degree of intimacy and involves fidelity and absolute trust, something very difficult to find between women.

Have not read all of the posts, but got the general ideas. Made me get "teary" to finally find women who feel isolated too. Was thinking that I was the odd duck in the church--generic meaning.

Was feeling terribly alone today. Am single, 62, lived all over the country so do not have deep roots in an area, and attend a brand new church of a few people. Have a Christian roommate, who is a terrific friend, but we do not connect in the way that I need. Am a loner to some point, but "work" better if I do it with someone else. Would like to talk about things that God has shown me or be pushed to do something because I make a committment.

Have been a Christian for a good part of my adult life and done things that God has directed. However, I am running on 2-4 cylinders instead of 8 or more. God has a plan for the rest of my life and it will be better than what it has been thus far. Do not want to waste any more time, but would like a goal or some concrete too. Do think that we need to have friendship(s) in depth to keep the flame burning.

Read one of the above entries about the previous generations having deep friendships. Women did things together like can, quilt, cook etc. and developed strong relationships. There was a movie a number of years ago called, "An American Quilt". Several women had been friends since childhood or a long time, then a next generation came into the group. They had odds with each other at times, but when it came down to it, they all loved each other. We are busy and do not have time to do these things together and grow.

Am sounding whiney maybe. Am sorry if I am. Am just frustrated at the moment.

God's protection,

wow. an interesting read as I spend my weekends feeling a little lonely. Sad though, that so many Christian women around the world find it hard to bond with one another.

Am 26 this year, deeply deeply valued friendships as a child (I grew up non-Christian). But due to certain events that had happened, I really started to reconsider what frienship really means and is.

Generally feel cut out of friends' lives, and seldom get a note from close friends asking how I'm doing. Which I always feel kinda sad about, but have learnt to deal with it. Strangely my closer sisters are those whom I serve with in youth ministry, but I've known them for a shorter period of time.

Maybe maturity in Christ also plays a part in in how we view and treat our friends. As some have mentioned, jealously between women is really sad, but oh so very true. And women are generally too guarded and place a distance between themselves and other women. Maybe it's to protect themselves from getting hurt.

Saddening. Let's pray for more deep and real friendships to be formed by the Lord and sustained by the Lord.