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November 11, 2008

Confrontation: Fight or Flight?

by by Bev Murrill

Confrontation - always difficult, often necessary. And something that many of us do badly or not at all. We tend to default toward one of two paths; either we run from it or we find ourselves continually confronting everything: fight or flight. It doesn't take too long to realize that both of these methods are more often than not ineffective.

FLIGHT: Are you one of those people who will do anything to avoid a face-to-face encounter when something difficult must be discussed? You're frustrated, boiling on the inside, but when the issue is raised, you smile and nod as though you're in total agreement. Then you walk away, irritated with yourself because you had the opportunity but you didn't say the things that needed to be said.

You are overwhelmed by hidden emotions that no one suspects you have, and then one day you blow up over something insignificant and leave everyone around you feeling confused and hurt. Worse still, you may never express how you are feeling but you are tired and unhappy all the time because you feel victimized by people and circumstances and you are unable to directly address the issues that cause you to feel that way. You resort to dropping heavy hints or telling others in the same circle about how you're feeling in the hope that somehow the message will get across to the right people, but it rarely does. You say yes when you want to say no, and you deny there's a problem when everything in you is screaming for resolution. And?you feel sorry for yourself because no one understands you!

FIGHT: The other side of the coin expresses itself with confrontation of every issue at every level, be it large or small. You see yourself as truthful or direct, but others see you as hurtful, combative, and controlling, often displaying a total lack of awareness of the other side of the issue or the feelings of the people involved. You're always having to psyche yourself up for another battle, your bow is always taut and there's rarely any downtime; everything's a campaign that has to be fought and won, although you would call it being resolved. Living like this is a sure way to lose friendships as well as influence, causing raised blood pressure and other health issues. And?you feel sorry for yourself because no one understands you!

GODLY CONFRONTATION: Jesus was never afraid to confront, but his confrontation was strategic and specific rather than generalised or nebulous. If anyone had the right to confront, it was he. He was perfect; the world then and now is not, yet despite what we would think, He didn't waste time trying to right every wrong, nor did he white wash over issues that needed attention. Amazingly, some of the things we would have addressed, he left unspoken and other things that we would never have noticed, he challenged head on.

What is the difference between him and us? Is it possible that the issue could be trust? He had an intimate and continuing relationship with his Father, which meant that minute-by-minute he was aware of how to deal with the issues at hand. He knew when he could trust God to convict the person without his intervention, and he understood when Father wanted him to face up to an issue and address it directly.

He didn't address the mixture of belief and unbelief of the father who wanted healing for his son, or condemn the woman in adultery, but he did challenge the Pharisees for their hypocritical expression of religion and he did curse the fruitlessness of the fig tree. Why he did what he did is between him and God, but his example is one that we can easily follow. The confrontation we run from provides training opportunities to help us deal with our fear of others. Conversely, where we are tempted to overdo confrontation as a means of resolution, we can develop our faith muscles by going to God instead and trusting him to sort it out without us having to say a word.

Like many spiritual principles, this kind of trust is so easy and so difficult. It takes a determination to be in relationship with God over every issue that affects us, allowing him to help us understand how to resolve the pressure of our issues with each other.

If we can master this one, we will be doing ourselves, and our sphere of influence, a big favor!

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Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on November 11, 2008 5:02 PM

Comments

I could not believe how pertinant this article was to a current situation I find myself in with a colleague at work. I face the possibility of loosing my job in 2-4 weeks due to the issues with this person.

As difficult as it is for us to remain silent or speak, what ever is appropriate in the situations we are faced with, faith should be our main focus.

God doesnt expect us to do nothing, but he does expect that when we have done all we can with the gifts and talents he gave us to use and we are still unable to resolve conflict, we are to give it over to him and have faith that like he takes care of the birds and flowers, he will even more so take care if us.

Posted By: DB | November 14, 2008 3:36 PM

Yes, I do agree with Bev. We can drive people away from us, and further away from knowing God, with our kind of confrontation. People can be won to the Lord, with our godly influence, and acts of love, and prayers. As God provides opportunities, we do like Jesus, talk to the person/persons, in such an approach and conversation that will lead him/her to making a decision. Lately, I had a chat with someone whom I never met before. We met at a place where all purchased tickets to travel. I asked her if she goes to church. She said "yes" and named the denomination; said she is not a Christian, but a faithful church goer, and she prays. I then, let her know that it is counted for nothing, unless she receives Jesus who died for her, as her Saviour, then church going would count and be meaningful. She understood all that I said to her, and promised to give her life to the Lord, as she did agree with me on everything I had said. Thanks for the good reading. God bless Bev and her family, and God bless you the workers in Christ's work. Abigail

Posted By: Abigail Taylor | November 14, 2008 8:23 PM

excellent article. yes, Lord, please help us to stay focused on You in and thru all the interpersonal challenges we face. help us to seek You first, and listen to You and only You. help us to be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to get angry. thank You!

Posted By: bonnie | November 16, 2008 8:57 AM

I needed that prayer, thank you pastor!

Posted By: queenb | November 24, 2008 6:20 PM

What a life-giving article ! I can really relate to these patterns and can see I've managed to work my way to some pockets of freedom. Much more needed. Thank you, Bev.

Posted By: Andy F | November 30, 2008 4:21 PM

This is awesome. I am in the process of learning to confront only with the opportunity that Jesus opens for me and with the right words. When we can put Him first in everything we can be so intune to the opportunities. They may not always end well with the other party, but what freedom and liberty for us when we are truthful in God's time.

Posted By: Nancy McKeethan | January 4, 2009 11:12 AM

Hello I'm asking for advice concerning a
problem between my Pastor and I. I work with our Women's Ministry and I am also the writer/Director for our Drama Ministry.

The Pastor insists on reviewing my scripts and ideas before they are presented. The problem is he helps himself to concepts, techniques, ideas even dialouge that he then
incorporates into his sermons. Usually before I get a chance to present my own work. This plagarism on his part makes me reluctant to show him my work in advance which creates further problems. Everyone I talked to about it says don't confront him about it.
I'm not convinced. Readers, what's your opinion or do you have a creative solution?

Thanks
Carmena

Posted By: Carmena Fleury | January 16, 2009 11:09 AM

Great article!

I am currently "dealing" (or not) with a situation in which I am caught in the middle of a conflict that others are having. And I very much appreciated the following in particular: "What is the difference between him and us? Is it possible that the issue could be trust? He had an intimate and continuing relationship with his Father, which meant that minute-by-minute he was aware of how to deal with the issues at hand. He knew when he could trust God to convict the person without his intervention, and he understood when Father wanted him to face up to an issue and address it directly."

I haven't known whether or not to get more involved with the issue or just to stay out of it. I still don't know, but having someone else remind that Jesus didn't solve everyone's problem but stuck so close to His Father that He knew when to step in and when not to, was a real answer.

Thank you.

Posted By: Lynda Schultz | January 23, 2009 9:33 AM

Hi Carmena,

That's a really tricky problem with your pastor, but plagiarism is a really serious issue, and much more serious than people often give it credit for.

Honestly, if I were you, I'd find a way to speak to him about it without accusation. You could try writing to him about it first, saying that you'd really like to talk to him about it. Often pastors are so in the habit of using the bits and pieces that they read, etc., that they don't realise that what they are doing is plagiarism.

You really have to talk to him about it, or it will eat you up and you will lose all respect for him. People often advise doing nothing in times like this because of fear, but the issue is not going to go away.

However, you also have the face the fact that if he won't acknowledge the wrong in this, you may end up needing to look for another church... which is always sad, but it's much sadder to stay in a context where you don't have respect for the person whose vision your are serving.

Bless you... Bev

Posted By: Bev | January 23, 2009 3:32 PM

A note for Carmena--
It could be your pastor just wants to coordinate his sermon with the drama to reinforce the concepts presented--which is actually a pretty good idea. Try being proactive. Say to him, "Here's the drama script this week, and here are some ideas I have thought of for incorporating the drama concepts into your sermon so that the concepts get reinforced throughout the service. Can I review those with you?"

Posted By: Cindy | January 30, 2009 11:23 AM

Bev, I find that I am afraid of confrontation with men because it reminds me of the authority figures in my childhood. I think we are more able to face incidents objectively when we are no longer reliving the scripts in our past. When I have an underlying need to find approval because of my childhood background, I am less able to confront in love. Sometimes the inability to confront reveals a deeper need to get rid of some past baggage. Thanks for this article. I think it inspires readers to assess their behavior and the reasons behind why they do what they do.

Posted By: Anita Carman | March 3, 2009 11:47 AM

I find that leaning on the Lord during challenging times extremely comforting. I'm currently part of a team who have serious 'teamwork' issues and my need for peace is challenged daily. I have found a song from the movie Fireproof especially helpful lately. It's called While I'm Waiting by
John Walle. I listen to it every morning before getting to work and it helps me trust the Lord to get me through the day.

Posted By: Diane | March 3, 2009 12:47 PM

God bless you. Reading this just gave me answers to questions concerning conflict I have been facing.

Posted By: Ayo Anifalaje | January 17, 2010 7:15 PM

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