Kyria's Gifted for Leadership

Comments

Sheila, Thanks for your real life example. All too often we run away from these situations instead of doing what is right and most helpful for both parties involved, which is confronting the issues at hand. Women sometimes struggle with what, I call, relational idolatry. Some call it co-dependency, but I like the term relational idolatry because it describes rightly what's going on. We are putting another person in the place of Christ himself. We think they are the answer to our needs and problems. Thanks for modeling what to do in a difficult situation. Most of us have been there...I know I haven't always handled it well.

Posted By: Anita Lustrea | March 16, 2009 5:27 PM

At one point in time i was one of those needy women. Because of my childhood I had NO identity and desperately needed re-parenting.

I thank God that He gave me an older woman who was able and willing to be there for me and to basically re-parent me to the place where I was able to determine for myself what was appropriate. I don't think I ever called her more than once a day, but it was every day for quite some time. As a child I was unnecessarily punished and sent to my room just because my parents did not know how to deal with their frustrations.

It took me a very long time to become adjusted to being okay with being alone and not hiding in sleep or misusing food to fill in the emptiness, and to be healed of the abandonment issues I had.

Posted By: Shalah Ravah | March 16, 2009 10:00 PM

What can we do to "ease up" on it though? I am definitely like your friend. I feel as though I do not have friends, and when a woman enters my life that might like me, I drown her. And lately, I've known that I'm doing that, so I have started putting up a wall and forcing myself to be alone and wallowing in self pity.
Its a hard balancing act for those of us who have been rejected by friends/family while we were growing up.

Posted By: Valerie | March 17, 2009 7:22 AM

Thanks for this post. I too have a friend just like this. However, the difficulty becomes when the friend is more like someone who is looking up to you. I am somewhat of a mentor to my friend, and don't really have the heart to tell her to give me my space in fear of her feeling like I'm pushing her away. I really do need to pray and ask for wisdom also.

Posted By: Ani | March 17, 2009 7:17 PM

It happens in all reelationships but how to handle such cases is the challenge. Thank god for the way sheila has handled that one for her. We need to be truly in love to hnestly confront our friends' weak points rather than run away from them

Posted By: david | March 18, 2009 6:03 AM

When it comes to the point that the person's well being depends on their friendship with you, it's gone too far. I've gotten myself into that relationship so many times... the names and faces change but the desperation remains the same. I've had to teach myself not to be everyone's answer; to begin to put boundaries in place early in the relationship. It had as much to do with me as with them, yet God is able to teach us how to keep from allowing that to happen. In the end, we have to understand that if Jesus doesn't have the answers for them, what can we give that is better? Nothing. It's a difficult lesson, but for me it was about having a Messiah complex and thinking I had to be there for everyone... I've learned, but it was not a quick walk and nearly put me into burnout.

Posted By: Bev | March 20, 2009 1:21 PM

Many times in our childhood the needs we have that our parents aren't meeting can cause such anxiety that we make self-vows. Such as - no one will ever ignore me again or make light of my feelings therefore I will get attention from clowning, talking incessantly, clinging, etc. When we make these self-vows we've become little gods in that area of our lives because we do not let God have that area. The way to stop then, is to forgive our parents, ask God's forgiveness for our self-vows, and ask Him to heal our hearts and renew our thinking.

Posted By: kath | March 20, 2009 3:23 PM

I minister to a lot of college students who deal with this. I lead a fellowship that had a "lost sheep" finder a couple years ago. I'm really glad that she was so welcoming to those who were hurting, but it was a lot all at once, and a few of the folks are still stuck in the same boundary-crossing behaviors. I'd suggest reading Search for Significance. It helped me a lot, and I've studied it with some of these students and seen a lot of results, especially for those who choose to find their worth in others.

Posted By: Carolyn | March 21, 2009 4:11 PM

I thought I had posted something about "limerance" and addiction to persons. I dont' see it now.

Posted By: Pamela Urfer | March 23, 2009 1:01 PM

Oh, to be such an honest and loving friend to confront when appropriate. I've been guilty of just walking away from a clinging friend - never taking the time to talk it through and be open about the situation. I am ashamed of how I let that learning opportunity (for both of us) slip through my hands!

Posted By: Lori | April 3, 2009 10:21 AM

Taken to an extreme, this kind of relationship becomes abusive—and I speak from personal experience. I lived and worked with a "friend" who literally took possession of my life. I was unaware of what was going on then, and fell into the trap of believing that if I tried harder to keep her happy, she'd get better. BIG mistake. God had to remove from the situation through other circumstances. It took me two years to recover from the damage caused by the experience, and destroyed whatever there was of our "friendship."

I have another friend who is prone to do this same kind of thing, but having learned my lessons the hard way, I set boundaries from the beginning of our friendship, and we have been able to stay friends over many years.

Thanks so much for the post—it meets a real need.

Posted By: Lynda Schultz | April 3, 2009 11:24 AM

Thank You for writing this article and for those who commented. I grew up in a large loving family, I have a wonderful husband along with 4 sons and 2 grandchildren and have many friends who respect my boundaries. So you can see I am a busy women. But, I nearly lost my mind (I am not kidding) when a friend became obsessed with me and truly stalked me. The more I tried to explain my need for boundaries the more she pursued me and told me I was not a good friend and didn't know how to be one.

Because we were both in leadership and our husband's were elders, I felt I could not go to the pastor for counseling...that is until 2 years went by and I thought I would have a nervous breakdown. My husband at first thought it was funny that I had a "girlfriend" that if I didn't call her everyday or accept her call everyday, would be in my drive way when I came home from taking my children to school in the morning. (I barely brush me teeth before dropping them off, so I wasn't ready for visitors.) But then he realized she was showing up all the time and crying because I didn't love her the way she loved me. I finally went to the pastor for counseling. I took his advice but things got worse instead of better.

I hated going to church because she would be there and because of my hardened heart I couldn't worship. I stepped down from the Praise Team, Women's Ministry and leading the Prayer Group. I continued with a Bible Study Group of good friends who encouraged me, even though they knew nothing of what was going on. After seeking God continually every moment of every day I realized He was teaching me that He could not use me if I was worried about what others thought of me; even if it was just one person!

Out of this spiritual warfare I began a ministry for hurting women called Spiritual Spa and through helping others rest in the love of Christ I was healed. I learned to set boundaries and stick to them. It's amazing how God works things to the good of those who love Him, for a year after being healed He sent me to a another church as a speaker, giving a message on women-to-women relationships. I had journals and Scripture passages to pull from.

I love my friends and I want to be a good godly friend but not at the expense of thinking more about earthly relationships than my relationship with God. How to please Him is to be on my mind constantly; not how to please a person. Although we are called to be bridal attendants which I take very seriously. Balnce is the key!

God did reconcile this friendship and she does respect my boundaries, but just recently she has started pushing them and I have thought ill of myself for not making exceptions. I needed this article to remind me it's ok to allow her to struggle with God instead of with me.

Posted By: Barbara | April 6, 2009 8:26 AM

Thank you so very much Sheila for posting this message. I am currently in this situation with a friend because we recently reconciled our friendship due to her over obsessiveness to cling to me. However, I have set boundaries and its much better! But this is so hard when you love someone, but as the blogger Barbara stated it will put you on burn out and distract your focus in your heavenly relationship. May God bless you for taking out the time to write this article.

Diva Doll Atlanta, GA

Posted By: Diva Doll | April 7, 2009 12:39 PM

I am the one who is obsessed with my friend. It started out innocently. She was my bible study leader. I admired her fire for the Lord and somehow wanted to be around her all the time. But she never made time for me. There were too many people around her, and I felt insignificant to be important enough to take her time away from others who needed her, maybe more than me.
I confronted her after hearing voices that if I do, then maybe she will reject me, stop the friendship. I knew God wanted me to be honest with her, that she didn't wrong me, but I was going through a spiritual warfare. It was only me hurting inside, because of Satan, trying to bring up my ugly past of something sensually unnatural. It has scarred my relationships with other women, and this time Satan went too far!
I am trying so hard to love my friend enough to find where she may want her bounderies, but at the same time, I want her friendship so bad.
My focus was on her rather than on Jesus. I put her on the throne and let her take all the space in my mind. Even when other ladies were offering me their friendships, I refused them because hers was the only one I wanted. Funny though, even though she is giving it to me, I am rejecting hers too. It was too overwhelming to think she would actually give it to me. I was expecting rejection. And I am still expecting it to come soon.

Posted By: Natalie | April 14, 2009 11:01 PM

Sheila, I don't know if I could have been as strong as you in how you handled it. I guess there are some women who get "lost" in this role of providing for others, whether it be a husband, partner, children or aging parents, above themselves. And them sometimes, they end up disappointed or let down when they don't see or feel any compliments or hear any "thank you's". When they find someone who they can find comfort in, they might see it as a liferaft to cling to, so that they can experience some of the comfort that they have provided to others.. maybe they aren't getting what they need from others in their life. It's like 2 water jugs on a teeter-totter, if they don't equal out, eventually one is going to spill.

But I guess what I'm trying to say is that some women might have a hard time figuring out where they fit in this crazy world and just need to learn how to balance on their own 2 wheels, maybe they never had anyone teach them how. And I'm sure she is better now that you showed her that you care and will still be there for her, with certain boundaries.

It's certainly not as easy as the guys we know, here have a beer!!! ARR--ARR!

Posted By: Marlene | June 18, 2009 3:24 PM

Can relational idolatry be identified in a relationship between a man and a woman that are not sleeping together, but spind a lot of time with each other? And if so, what are some key bible scriptures that will aply to this?

Posted By: Chris | October 19, 2009 8:37 AM

Thank you very much for the article and it helped me a lot in many areas of our church ministry.

Posted By: jolly | August 10, 2010 10:33 AM

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