Gifted for Leadership: The Devastating Power of a Church-Harpy

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April 7, 2009

The Devastating Power of a Church-Harpy

by by Kelli Trujillo

I knew a woman once who, with super-spy-like verbal finesse, single-handedly took down an entire church. Ka-pow! The congregation exists no more.

I knew another woman who waged a stealth war to get her church secretary fired. Before the campaign ended, the secretary quit, left the church, lost most of her friends, and entered into a deep depression.

Oh, and I knew another woman - a stately matron of the church - whose "helpful ideas" (i.e. biting critiques) so discouraged a new Christian eager to get involved in ministry that her sense of personal value will be devastated for years to come.

What did these three women have in common? They were women's ministry leaders.

Yikes!

I like to call women like these "church-harpies." The Harpy is a figure from Greek mythology, succinctly described by Dictionary.com as "a ravenous, filthy monster having a woman's head and a bird's body." Outside of the mythological realm, the dictionary defines a harpy as a scolding, nagging, greedy, bad-tempered, predatory woman.

None of the three women I mentioned appeared to be harpies at first glance - they were women's ministry leaders, respected wives and mothers, Bible study and prayer group leaders, and long-established members of their churches. And certainly none of these women viewed themselves as harpies! They volunteered long hours in their respective ministries and their church involvement was the centerpiece of their lives. I believe that, in their way, each of these women loved Jesus very much and always felt their motives were justified and right.

The truth is, church-harpies can be hard to spot! Their behavior can be so surreptitious that the damage is done before anyone realizes who did it! And often church-harpies are blind to their own harpy-ness. Their patterns of thinking and behavior are so deeply ingrained that they're unable to recognize the danger of their actions.

So how can you tell the difference between a church-harpy from a good leader? Consider the following distinguishing marks of a harpy - and reflect on how you can avoid developing harpy-ness in your own life:

-Church-harpies hold tightly to power. They grasp onto their leadership roles and often feel resentful of new ideas, preferring to do things their way. Because of these behaviors, church-harpies are usually surrounded by women primarily their own age and of like personality. Their lack of openness to younger (or older) women's perspectives often drives women from other generations away.

Good leaders, on the other hand, strive to mentor, encourage, and provide significant ministry opportunities to women in younger (and older) generations. Even though it is difficult to do so at times, they choose to try others' new ideas because they value the other women in their congregation.

-Church-harpies justify gossip and slander under the guise of "godly" causes. All of us face the temptation to do this at times, but church-harpies have it down to a science. Though they may discourage gossip and even teach against it, because of their own position of authority in the church, they're able to set a tone during meetings that makes it acceptable for them to slander others. Perhaps it's a tirade against the pastor's sermon made under the guise of the harpy's own passionate love for biblical truth. Or perhaps it's a regular pattern of "prayer requests" that are nothing short of a power grab - an effort to turn the women in the group against the woman being "prayed" for.

Good leaders, on the other hand, recognize the extreme danger of gossip and care more about church unity than about their own need to vent. They put the effort forth to stop themselves when they feel the urge to gossip; they privately pray for people who've upset them, rather than airing dirty laundry in front of others.

-Church-harpies become predatory when someone gets in their way. When they feel they've been crossed, criticized, or hindered in some way, church-harpies go after their foes with self-righteousness vindictiveness. They'll meet with pastors to criticize others, they'll attend elder meetings to voice complaints, they'll circulate letters, they'll request that people be fired, they'll hold secret meetings, and they'll threaten to quit their position or even leave the church if something isn't done about the issue/person/problem they're upset about. They feel justified in doing so and can quote Bible verses to prove it! And often because of their long history within the church - and the clout they hold among others in the congregation - the harpy ends up getting just what she wants.

Good leaders, on the other hand, seek God's help in developing compassion and patience toward those who've wronged them. They seek others' wisdom in dealing with frustrating situations rather than relying solely on their own. They take time to search out the sand out of their own eye. Good leaders offer forgiveness because they value church health above their own desire to "win."

James's strident caution to the church is a powerful challenge to each of us women called by God to serve in our churches: "Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such "wisdom" does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice" (James 3:13-16).

With God's help, we each must fight hard against our own innate desires to hold tightly to power, to gossip and slander, and to go after those who've hurt us. If we don't we may soon become church-harpies - and not even know it.

Comments

Yikes is right. Definitely an invitation to soul searching. Thank you.

Kelli, this made me laugh and taught me something. Thanks! James is definitely a good antidote for the harpy-ness in us all.

Kelly,
I think every church has a harpy of some sort or another and thank you for pointing them out so we can spot them. Perhaps they are harpy's in training and we need to neutralize them. This kind of harpy behavior is so dangerous and hurtful to the body of Christ. It is also sad that they often seek out positions of leadership in the church to do their nastiness. Let's all be more aware of our own actions so we don't become one!!

I will never forget how shocked I was when I lost my innocence about "church ladies." Not all of them, of course, but the ones aptly categorized as "harpies." When I found out that a wonderful teacher at my Christian school was being mistreated and had left her position,I assumed that someone visibly evil was behind the situation.Imagine my surprise when I found out that a sweet, bespectacled,soft-spoken grammar school teacher who was a pillar of her church was the driving force behind the entire event.In fact, history is full of people who have turned on their neighbor for personal reasons and convinced themselves that they were doing "the Lord's work." An even subtler variation on the theme is the harpy who holds no authoritative position herself but is married to a man who does. She influences her husband to do her bidding and punish those she dislikes for whatever reason, and sometimes even her husband doesn't understand that he has just been manipulated into becoming a manipulator at church, where pastors, staff, and members with less clout have to suffer the consequences. Sad to say, some of the unkindest people you will ever meet are in your church. Hopefully, the rest of us can learn by example and watch out for the warning signs when we start to develop claws.

We left a church after 15 years because of the harpies and their husbands. Really a shame. We see many folks from the old church at our new church, so I know we were not the only ones victimized.

We have a similar woman in our church, who has single-handedly led to the downfall of our church. She was the one who trained me to volunteer in church activities. So, now i feel bad that i am unable to respect her as i did earlier. She is also unhappy that I no longer am friendly with her. After reading this article, I totally agree on the power of "harpies". But I feel sad that we have no solution because she is doing everything she can to stay in control of "her" church as she calls it. I pray that God will work in some way to revive our church.

Thanks for this good reminder to check our own tendencies even as we recognize the tendencies of others. I hope that we can take up our responsibilities with humility and compassion and with the insight you have given help prevent or intervene in a harpy attack or help the healing process of those left in their wake.

Recognizing how delicate these issues are, churches need to have a structure in place where they have zero tolerance for this behavior, in love have appropriate leadership directly confront it (with prior backing of the church), provide opportunity for the individual(s) to repent, be restored and if they refuse, they must leave. Learning to deal with conflict more effectively, taking a courageous & bold stand for unity in the church and praying in the authority of our Lord Jesus against the schemes of satan is a must, wouldn't you agree? We know our battle is not against flesh and blood (Ephesians 6). Our church experienced a devastating split 12 years ago and we're now just now coming out on the other side of it. God is moving us forward. We suffered for a while. We identified a major weakness in dealing with conflict. As leadership, we are going to learn about and implement an unified approach to deal effectively with these types of issues. As Christian leaders, we must not allow the work of the Lord, our community witness and church families to be undermined by satan. The time is short and we have much work to do. Thank you for this opportunity to share. God bless you.

i am so glad i read this,now that i know what a harpie is i know this woman our church is one,she is always calling me and telling me gossip about our preacher, and to get out of that church.she admitted she was inlove with him.

I wonder where the other church leadership is in these situations. When the "harpies" cause so much damage, where is loving confrontation? Where is the pastor? Where are the elders? Where is accountability?

This was one of the best articles yet. I've been to alot of churches, being in minitry. I can spot a harpie in an instant. Didn't know the name but it fits.. oh biy does it fit. They harp on weaker people to justify their imaginary hurts or revelations.

Also known as a Jezebel spirit. Its the spirit behind them that is the driving force. Tearing churches and people apart. Attack the people 1st..the church is soon to follow, since the church is built on people.
its sad that women can be this vindictive. I usually start to pray for this person. I have seen harpies leave. When its exposed it REALLY hates that. It will eventually pack up and leave. All be it not without a fight. But it will.

Thanks for this. It was great.

Loving confrontation is something that mature women are supposed to take with younger women in the faith.

Titus 2:4 is clear on what our role is.

If someone gossips around you - firmly shut them down. If someone is speaking cruelly, talk with them about that. Ask for God's boldness and words to do so.

Great article! I have had to lovingly confront this issue twice in the last 4 years (I am the pastor's wife and ladies ministry leader). You are so right, this attitude doesn't come through as such at first. It is a very deceptive spirit, hence the "Jezebel Spirit" as stated by Susie, is a common face of it. It is not pleasant to confront and not easy to confront in a loving way, but it has to be done to protect the other sheep who are weaker, more innocent victims of this wolf in sheep's clothing! Thank you again for this writing! I am re-reading the "Good leaders" responses that you have stated as women's leader, I desire more than anything to stay in line with a Godly spirit, always!

P.S. to message:
Both of these harpies left in a huff after the confrontation and pleas to pray earnestly for God to show them what HE wants them to do, or speak to the pastor if they disagreed. One of them felt she had heard from God even over my husband, the pastor!

From all of us who have unfortunately been "Harpied", thank you for finding the right words to describe that situation! I was part of a church plant team that unwittingly let a "harpy" in our midst, and it truly was devastating! One by one, the women on the team went under her attacks. I reacted poorly & was put under "discipline" and spent 4 years in a long dark night of the soul. But God is faithful and what harpy meant for evil, God turned it for my good! I just wish I could say that for everyone involved......

Didn't read through all the comments but I am in full and complete agreement about the dangers of a church harpy (or as some friends in the Charismatic circles would call it, a "jezebel spirit").

I spent 6 years at a church where the biggest harpy was one of my elders wives. She was a master manipulater, a major gossip, used flattery like crazy and undermined pretty much every thing I did. I honestly left that church because I was tired of dealing with her and not having others step up and confront her sinful, divisive behavior.

The frustrating part is that she ended up leaving the church too about 9 months after I left!!

Just a comment from having been in pastoral leadership for 30+ years - This is not a gendered character flaw. I have seen both genders behave in this way, with the same effects and same outcome. Because we have a zero tolerance policy in our church, taught up front in the new member classes, when it comes to such behavior we've had fewer of the letters, the accusations and the stomping out scenes, but we've had our share even with very proactive pastoring. Like many things, this flaw doesn't always announce itself when decisions are being made to give someone a change to lead something; it emerges later. Wise pastors, however, address it just as soon as there is independently verifiable information from more than one person, rather than letting it get further and further down the road. Once bitten, twice shy!

Harpies would have no power were it not for those who enable them by active complicity or passive silence. God's solution for unrepentant harpies: "Reject a divisive man after the first and second admonition" (Titus 3:10). A healthy body confronts and nullifies pathogens, which is what a biblically functional church will do with its dysfunctional harpies.

Kelli -

Right on! It needed to be said, and you said it well! Always a pleasure to read your articles.

As Cindy says, it's not just women. Dh and others were hurt by a male harpy at our church. One guy emigrated to get away from him! When considering potential leaders I believe it's wise to look at how they treat their family and friends. Do they dominate or seem to know it all? Are they legalistic or possessive? Do they easily admit fault? What happens if you tell them No? Are they controllers rather than releasers? How do they treat their spouse? If parents, are they dictators, or do they overdirect or subtly manipulate? Do they focus on submission rather than empowering their kids to make wise choices? What comes out in their attitude (and their mouths!) when their kids misbehave in public? Does their relationship seem relaxed or tense? Parenting style is a big indicator of how people will treat their spiritual "kids"! Twice I've experienced what can happen when churches ignore issues like these. The first time I was caught up in the dysfunctionality (complex issues, not a typical "harpy" situation but elements of it). It wasn't pretty. Great article!

so well said kel. i have been chased out of women's ministries a few times by 'harpies'-thanksfully my current church has been the opposite of that. i'm so thankful for your wisdom and sense of humor. keep on bringing it!

Kelli,
Thanks for the article. I can now identify these women as harpy.

Thank you for this article. God lead me to you today. My husband (Pastor) and I are dealing with harpies as we speak at a position my husband just took last year. I would love to forward this to the board and to those who have so been hurt by them. Please pray ernestly for the church to come out strong through this storm.

I have seen it go both ways, especially persecution from elders who are much like the ones in Matthew Chapter 23. Self righteousness, arrogance, ego, pride, and spiritual blindness so characterized these ones that Jesus pronounced woe after woe after woe on them. But He also said, "All therefore whatsoever they bid you observe, that observe and do; but do not ye after their works for they say, and do not." (verse 3) Interesting, eh? Who wants that kind of spiritual authority over them? Or Diotrephes "who loveth to have the preeminence among the brethren." 3 John 9

Many women in the congregation have gone that route for many centuries, too. That is one of the reasons why the Apostle Paul admonished women to be silent in the church and if they wanted to know anything to go home and ask their husbands.

Sin is sin, no matter what gender does it.

Very well stated, and so important to say!

WOW! This idea of people (not just women) doing damage has been quite the struggle lately for me. I have experienced and witnessed more "damage" while living overseas than I ever did in the States.
I recently attended a seminar entitled Caring for Self Caring for Others.

One bit of information helped me put my motives, and that of others, into better perspective. There are caring people and there are uncaring people. There are skilled people and unskilled people. When we mix the uncaring and the unskilled, a huge wake of broken relationships follow. Most people are caring, but many are not skilled (in interpersonal relationships). We all find ourselves, at times, being uncaring. When we are stressed, overtired, etc. we need to veer away from those discussions and relationships that can be so easily damaged. We need to be in a place where we can relate in a caring manner coupled with interpersonal skills. We are not born with interpersonal skills, we need to be trained and be cautious as well, when we work with people. I now find myself checking to see if I am operating in a caring way and am I using those interpersonal skills to advance the kingdom or hinder it. A huge area of discussion, thanks for bringing it to the "table".

Thanks so much to all of you for sharing your comments. I am praying specifically for those of you who shared current struggles with "harpies" in your church.

I have to say, this article was very good for me, and now self-professed "harpy". Not even realizing the damage I was doing in my church, and in my own thought pattern. Sometimes it is hard to distinguish between what you are doing "for God" or for yourself. I have to admit that plainly.

Thank you for opening my eyes to what damage I have done, and now need to correct.

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The Devastating Power of a Church-Harpy

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