Leading Through Downsizing

I’m an old pro at downsizing. It’s true.

While the rest of the world has watched recent events with anxiety at the possibility of losing their job, I’m quite familiar with this life of uncertainty. A veteran of the textile industry for 15 years, I’ve spent the last five watching the companies I’ve worked and cared for slowly shrink into oblivion. It’s been difficult. It’s been unpleasant. But, it’s been a learning experience like no other.

As one of the few Christians in my workplace, I often found I took a special outlook on the situation that kept me calm and gave me the ability to calm the storm in others. Not that I didn’t get angry. I did. Not that I didn’t get unnerved. I did. But at the end of each round of layoffs or downsizing (and there were many), I was able to step away from the situation with a larger view than most. Even when I fell into the crosshairs, at the core I knew that I would be okay.

I found that being a leader during times such as these were a very different challenge than leadership needed during other times. The type of leadership that leans on Christ more than ever before. The kind of leadership that presents the opportunity to show the love of Christ to people who are desperately searching for something to hold onto. The kind of leadership for which you will one day be proud.

Should you fall into a situation of downsizing, and you are in a position of leadership, the following strategies can help not only you, but the people in your charge:

1. Be Honest and forthright. When people are considering the possibility of losing their jobs, they need someone who is not only honest with them, but is straightforward. Often, within the same hour of management being notified of a pending layoff, the people that worked for me became aware of it as well. Call it the rumor mill, an overzealous administrative assistant, or whatever you like. The fact was and is: they already know.

I found that admitting to the problem at hand gave people a sense of almost relief. I acknowledged that their fears were real, and they were much more able to deal with them. Keeping in mind that some things told to me were confidential, I only told them what I felt I was allowed to. Often, simply admitting there was a problem was the best thing I could do to quell their anxiety.

In more than one case, employees thanked me for being honest with them. Even when they were the ones that were laid off.

2. Stay in the game. Do not withdraw. As layoffs became more and more frequent, I felt myself drawn to pull away from the people I had grown so close to over the years. The fact that I might be facing them in HR weeks later with bad news left me awake many nights. But, I hung in there knowing that I wouldn’t want to be stressed out by my boss withdrawing from me. In many ways, we became a stronger team, tackling the situation together. They knew that I would do whatever I could to keep them in their positions, and that was all that I could give them at that moment. Surprisingly, it was enough.

3. Pray for wisdom and grace. The wisdom to make the right choices, the grace to handle people with care. No one in a position of leadership will ever make all of the right decisions. I made mistakes during rounds of layoffs. Some I regret to this very day. But, I found that praying for direction allowed me to make better choices than the ones I tried to make on my own. Praying for grace allowed me to show the people that I was letting go how difficult it was for me. That mattered to them.

4. Pray for them individually. God has a plan for everyone. As difficult as it is to be the one with another person’s future in your hands, sometimes you are part of the plan. If you are careful to follow His direction as much as you are allowed, you may find that people go on to better situations. This was true for several of my employees.

5. Ask for prayer from friends. One of the most wonderful people that I had to let go during a layoff came to me afterward worried more about me than himself. Downsizing takes its toll on leaders. You can not go through it alone. You need support from everyone you can find. Especially support through prayer. Ask other Christians to pray for you during this time. It is a heavy burden that has the ability to overwhelm rapidly. Make sure that others have you in their thoughts and prayers.

If there ever was a time and place for servant leadership, these are the times. Take care of your people as much as you can, while you can. Pray for direction and wisdom. Pray for them and their families. And always remember that as Christians we can say with confidence:
“The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?” Hebrews 13:6

Truly, this is a moment in time of your life. This is not forever. Do the best that you can in your given circumstances and look to Christ for support, clarity and direction. You will be blessed in the midst of turmoil, even as you bless others.

Editor's Note: For more information on ministry layoffs, click here.

Sotomayor, Sexism, and the Supreme Court

When I was in sixth grade, a classmate told me that his dad told him that a woman could never be president because she'd "get all PMSy and probably ‘push the button' in one of her mood swings." This was in 1983, so that button she'd push was the "nuclear-war starting" button we all imagined on the big red phone next to the president's bed. I ended up hearing this argument more than one time in the course of my coming of age.

This was one of several comments I heard growing up that at once sickened and angered me - and definitely shaped the way I felt about women in leadership. Thanks to the truths my parents fed me, even at a young age, I recognized these comments to be sexist and ridiculous - and totally out of whack with how God equipped women and who God made women to be.

So throughout my life, I've cheered any time a glass ceiling has been shattered. Any time a woman has made it to where no woman made it before. When this happened in the political realm, I've cheered on and celebrated women on both sides of the aisle. Though I DO have a definite political preference and do not vote simply on gender, I still find myself rejoicing under the glass shards.

So I was ready to celebrate once again when I heard President Obama's nomination of Hon. Sonia Sotomayor as a Supreme Court justice. While she wouldn't be the first woman on the court, as the mother of a Latina, I'm always thrilled for new role models for my daughter (and sons) who share part of their Latin heritage.

However, my celebration was halted by one of her widely reported statements. Unless you spent yesterday in a coma or a cave, you've heard or read this too. In a lecture on law and cultural diversity at the University of California (Berkeley) School of Law in 2001, Hon. Sotomajor said, "I would hope that a wise Latina woman with the richness of her experience would more often than not reach a better conclusion [as a judge] than a white male who hasn't lived that life."

This comment did not sit well with me. In fact, it fired up those the same angry and sick feeling from 1983. I searched in vain for "context" that would make this "okay." Maybe she was joking? Quoting someone else….? But no, she said it: that race and gender alone (or with varied experience) allow one person to reach better conclusions in the courtroom than someone of a different race and gender.

Aside from the troubling legal ramifications, I can't help but think how much evil this line of thinking has caused in the past. It's why women were kept out of political and professional and church life for long. It's why Africans were enslaved - and African-Americans kept out of those same realms as women. It's why people hated the Irish when they flooded U.S. shores. Why Catholics and Protestants have fought - and still do. It's what makes discussions on immigration reform turn racist so quickly. Frankly, it's the thinking behind any hate group you can find.

As women gifted by God to lead, as women who have faced this sort of thinking (although reversed) so many times in our lives, who have suffered because of it, we need to react - loud and strong! - to a comment as ugly and ridiculous as Hon. Sotomayor's. She needs to know that women interested in being valued for their gifts and skills and hard work, don't need to resort to the bully tactics others have used on us.

I hope her life experience indeed does help her reach a better conclusion here. I hope she's changed her mind in the nearly 10 years since she said this (Lord knows I've changed my mind on many things since then!). If so, I hope she apologizes - and explains. Then we can get back to celebrating.

If she still believes what she said, frankly, I fear what this means going forward. We've come so far on the sexism and racism fronts. We still have far to go - but unfortunately, this wise Latina with her rich (and inspirational!) experiences brought us back.

Who Do You Follow?

I don't often have a strong reaction one way or the other to people's Twitter updates - or "Tweets" - but this one from a friend of mine got me. He wrote: "Twitter is one of the few places where you need to be a good leader & follower at the same time - a unique dynamic."

Huh?

I thought about this throughout the rest of the day - because I couldn't disagree more. One of the few places? Totally unique? I have a hard time coming up with places where a good leader doesn't also have to be a good follower! I mean, how often do leaders lead at the top - in a vacuum - with no one or thing to follow? Old-world kings and new-world dictators come to mind. But even presidents and prime ministers have to follow something - the rule of law, a constitution, a code of ethics (we hope), the wisdom of advisors, perhaps the will of the people.

While good leaders certainly do need to be able to "take the reigns," "put down the hammer," or let "the buck stop" with them and while good leaders are often called to step out, go places, or do things on their own (or ahead of others), I think the best leaders are always good followers.

It's true in my life. In the times I've led well, I've sought the wise council, followed smart guidelines, modeled a decision-making or leadership style on someone else's, and listened most keenly to God's call on my life.

My following as a leader has never diminished my leadership skills - nor has it meant that I wasn't leading as me. Following as a leader doesn't make me (or you or anyone ) a quasi-leader or an all-out fraud. So why do so many people think it does? Why do some think that leading means never following?

I'd like to hear what you all think, but I wonder if it isn't because we're slow to mention the people we follow: who our role models are, who's taught us, who advises us, who helps us, or whom we admire.

Last year when I wrapped up my first book project, the most fun part was writing the acknowledgements. So many people encouraged me and helped me and pushed me just when I needed it. While I "led" much of the project, I followed people all along the way. They deserved more than the brief mentions they got on one page of a book, but the process made me more mindful of the ways people help guide me and shape me as a leader in all areas of my life.

Since we kicked off this week (at least in the U.S.) remembering and honoring the heroes who died so that we could be free enough to write about women in leadership, I wonder if we can't also spend some time thanking the people we follow as we lead.

So who are they? Who are the people you follow as a leader? What makes you want to follow them?

P.S. You can follow GFL on Twitter at www.twitter.com/GFLblog or follow me at www.twitter.com/CarynRivadeneir

Praying for Our Prodigals

Satan plays dirty. Really dirty.

He is so clever at finding our weak spots, to trip us up as we walk the paths God has for us. He whispers not-so-sweet nothings in our ears. He beguiles us with our best temptations. He spray paints the nearby grass a beautiful shade of green. He tells us we deserve the best. But we have grown strong and mature in the Spirit and we keep hanging on to God--and we don't succumb.

That's when Satan takes the gloves off. He goes after our children. If he can't cause us to stumble, he attacks those we love so much. He whispers and beguiles and spray paints lots of greener grass, laying his traps for our vulnerable loved ones.

Triple score! He captures their hearts and minds, and he distracts us from God's work for us. And he inflicts so much pain in the process.

I know. I've been there.

On June 2, 1997, our son made a commitment to Christ and was baptized. That was 12 years ago. Though he started off strong in his walk with God, he has taken many detours since then. And what a rocky road that has meant for us.

Eight years ago, in the depths of our struggle and recognizing we needed lots of help, we called for a June 2 Worldwide Day of Prayer for our son. We invited friends we knew around the world who were prayer warriors or experienced in this kind of journey to join us in focused prayer for our son. God did some good, specific things in response to those prayers,

We didn't see the true and total turn around we desired, but we did see evidence of God's hand in his life and so did he. So the Worldwide Day of Prayer became an annual event every June 2. Each year more joined with us. And each year we saw new steps in a better direction for our son.

He is in a much better place now, though still not quite where he could be. Four years ago we began to feel pretty selfish keeping all this prayer for our son, so we broadened it, and now every June 2 is a Worldwide Day of Prayer for Prodigals (and others who need a touch from God).

What began as specific requests for our son and ideas on praying for a prodigal became a day to pray for hundreds of loved ones needing that touch from God - and a website, PrayerforProdigals.com.

The website includes many resources and encouragements for this challenging journey as well opportunity to pray specifically for some and more generally for hundreds. It is a place for hope, help and community. It is a safe place to ask others to join you in praying for your prodigal(s). And we rejoice in answers to prayer and growth in our own lives.

If Satan has been up to his usual dirty tricks as he pursues your children, come join us at PrayerforProdigals.com. He doesn't stand a chance when we join together on our knees.

Walking With Grace When You Have No Grace

We've all encountered those moments in ministry and life when we feel spent, empty, with nothing else to give. Maybe lived on exhaust one gasp too long. Maybe burning the candle on both ends and in the middle wasn't such a great idea. Maybe a series of sleepless nights got the best of us. Whatever the cause, we have nothing left to give and for just a few more hours - whether it's a Sunday service, a Wednesday night gathering, or the conference that still has a day to wrap up - we must hang on. But to what?

I've encountered this scenario all too often, and despite multiple attempts to schedule more downtime, be more intentional about rest, carve out time with Jesus every day, and live a healthy-paced life, there are still times that things outside of our control push us to the point of exhaustion. How do we walk with grace when we have no grace?

1.Take a deep breath. Sometimes a few deep breaths and a moment of prayer behind a closed door or even a closet door can make a huge difference.

2. Cling to the Scripture. Whether it's the reminder that "I can do all things through Christ who strengths me" or "Fear not for I have redeemed you", the Word of God can empower us when our energy level is at its lowest.

3. Grab caffeine cautiously. I used to opt for the latte whenever I felt exhaustion settling in and all too often upgraded to the grande. The problem is that while the extra boost helped get me through the moment it often lasted longer than I needed it - sometimes interrupting that night's sleep. Now if I reach for a latte, I order the smallest size and try to only drink half.

4. Know and "no" your limits. When I'm tired, sometimes I'll get roped into saying "yes" to things that I would never have committed to any other time. Other times I'll find myself roped into long involved conversations where I'm only half-listening. Slowly, I'm learning to know my limits and be more honest with people. I'll let them know that I'm exhausted and would love to continue the conversation at a later time when I can give the other person the attention they deserve. Other times I'll just ask for time to think about whatever they're asking rather than offering a kneejerk response.

5. Don't be afraid to vote yourself off the island. Sometimes you may feel you really need to be at a gathering or event (and you probably should be!), but your actual presence is more of a detriment than asset. That's why it's important to know when you need to vote yourself off the island and excuse yourself. A loving support staff and community will guard and protect you so you can give and serve out of a full tank rather than an empty one. In excusing yourself, you may end up empowering others to do the same and the depth and impact of all your team does may increase as a result.

What's Your Story?

Lately I've been walking a 5-km route through a residential area where I pass lots of houses. I take a good look at the gardens, see who is on the porch, and what I can see through the window. It occurred to me the other day that each family in each house has a story to tell. How long have they lived there? Why would they pick that house of all of them on the street? There is always a story. Who is that visiting? What is their story? Of course the individuals all within the house have a story too, and they all contribute to each others' story!

Then I began to notice the people passing me on the sidewalk. (No, I'm not that slow. They were walking toward me!) What is their story? Why does that woman walk several paces behind the man who appears to be her husband? What is that student facing at school or in their home? You know, they could be wondering the same about me: What is my story? Why am I out at this time of the day, and where do I come from?

As leaders it serves us well to remember that each person we interact with has a story to tell.

Remember the expression "what's her story"? This was something we used to say when someone did something we didn't understand, usually something confusing to us - or carries a negative connotation. Well, the fact of the matter is that person does have a story! That story may in fact give much greater understanding to why they are acting or speaking in a certain way, and many times will help us to be much more sympathetic or gracious in the situation.

It is exciting to hear the stories of the people you regularly interact with, and our story is something we truly long to share with others. Of course, we only want to share our story with those who will not pronounce judgment or ridicule us, so we guard our stories carefully from those who would hurt us if they knew it certain parts.

How can you as a leader create an environment for story telling?

Use ice breakers to get people talking about things where they don't even realize they are sharing parts of their story. For example, one ice breaker asks about a favorite way to vacation. Another is to ask others to five highlights of their lives, events that happened at any point in time and see where it goes. Don't worry if the ensuing conversation strays from the original revelation - it's all part of the various routes we take to discover each other.

Whatever ways you choose to encourage story-sharing, make sure you lead the way by revealing parts of your journey on purpose. Make it a natural. And when someone shares part of their story along the way, show interest, ask questions, and you are likely to learn even more.

Have fun on the journey of discovering the stories of those who live in community with. As for me, well, it's time for my walk!

Sometimes We Do Get It Right

At Gifted for Leadership, we spend a lot of time griping about women's ministry. And I don't necessarily mean "griping" in a negative way - most of the discussions we have are constructive. We've simply been burned by the traditional systems and are looking for better ways to foster true discipleship and community in the lives of women beyond surface-level social gatherings. When we see healthy examples of these values, then, we figure we'd better share them with you.

I went on my church's women's retreat last weekend. I surprised myself by attending. I wasn't going to go, but my friend was leading worship and she asked me to come and sing with her, so I agreed. I don't know why I was so reluctant. I went through a mental checklist. Let's see? Do I love my church? Check. Do I love the women in my church? Check. Do I love retreats? Check. So, what was my problem?

I'm aware that I have an unhealthy - and maybe unfair - view of women's retreats. The image I usually conjure is a homogeneous group of women discussing topics that would only make me feel isolated and cynical. Like I said - unmerited, right? But I know these feelings are at least somewhat grounded in experiences I've had. And judging from the comments we've received on women's ministry-related posts, many of you share these views.

I have good news, though: Last weekend shattered my feeble perceptions of women's retreats. I encountered a community of women of different ages and life stages dedicated to Christ and one another. Instead of leaving the retreat cynical, I was refreshed and sensed a new vigor for my relationship with Christ, my ministry in the church, and my family.

So, what about this weekend was so formational for me?

The leaders broke us into small groups for the worship, teaching, and discussion times. Instead of choosing these groups arbitrarily, however, they intentionally placed us with women we might not connect with on a normal Sunday morning. In one group, for example, I saw a new mom, a single woman in her thirties, an "empty nester," a mother with school-aged children, and a newlywed.

I learned lessons about myself through the experiences, trials, and wisdom of the women in my group. We get stuck when we rely on ourselves and people our own age to define what is meaningful and true. We need insights from the body of Christ to pull us from the mire of our own viewpoint and champion us toward unity in Jesus (Ephesians 4).

What about you? Do you resonate with my women's ministry frustration? What has been the core of that dissatisfaction? When have you met God through the lives and encouragement of other women?

Unearthing Potential

By the time I was in kindergarten, I knew I was different. Not only did I stand several inches shorter than my classmates, but at 4 years of age I was also a full year younger. It was risky for my parents to send me to school so early, but they made their decision based on the potential they (and others) saw in me.

As I reflect back on that decision now, I realize my parents were putting an important leadership principle into action - "a good leader must learn to unearth potential in others." Much like Jesus saw potential in a common fisherman, a ruthless tax collector and a self-righteous Pharisee; we too must learn to look beneath the surface of what ?is' and help people explore - unearth - what could be.

Here are a few steps I've found helpful when it comes to unearthing potential in others:

1. Provide opportunities for others to explore their gifts. Too many ministries operate with the unspoken motto: "leave the ministry to the professionals." To determine if this is our modus operandi we must ask ourselves, "Who am I trusting to help dream-up and implement my ministry events and programs?" If all of the people behind our events and programs have an official title (i.e. are on staff), then it is no surprise that we aren't seeing other people's potential emerge. We must intentionally create opportunities for others to dive in and explore their gifts if we long to see people's potential bloom. This may be as simple as inviting select people into your planning meetings, or as risky as asking someone to spearhead an important aspect of an event. As you do this prepare to be surprised - potential often emerges in the most unexpected places!

2. Watch for signs of momentum. Once you've started inviting people to give their gifts a test-run, begin to watch for signs of momentum. For example, listen for those events/sermons/programs people can't stop talking about. Then take note of the person driving those efforts. It is highly likely that if momentum and excitement are building the person responsible has discovered the intersection of gifting and opportunity. This intersection is the perfect place for potential to shine and develop.

3. Commit to walk alongside. As momentum begins building, it will be tempting to remove yourself from the potential-unearthing process. Leaders often rationalize this withdrawal with thoughts like, "Things are going great, they don't really need me" or "Since that program is running smoothly, now I can get back to everything else on my to-do list." However, we must fight this temptation to disengage. As leaders we are called to continually and prayerfully shepherd those who are learning how to exercise their gifts. Even a person bursting with potential needs a guiding and supporting hand. So choose to check-in often, and offer authentic encouragement whenever possible.

Unearthing potential in people is risky. It takes time, intention, prayer, and a willingness to step out in pursuit of what could be. But I believe the payoff is well worth the investment. I would not be the disciple/wife/minister I am today if people in my life had not made the decision to develop the potential they first spotted in me. Just imagine what God has in store for those people in your life whose potential has yet to be unearthed!

False Distinction Between Gifts and Roles

When was the last time you took a spiritual gifts inventory or answered a church survey to see how God might be leading you to serve in your church? Maybe you are in ministry to women who have particular gifts and talents, but they need guidance in knowing how they translate to the community of believers. Many people have knowledge or insight about their gifts before they even pick up the pencil to fill out a questionnaire, but these instruments can become wonderfully useful tools of discovery for the church.

But I pause to consider if some women in the church, instead of searching for ways to use or discover their gifts, are actively suppressing the identification and use of them as a twisted act of selflessness, or perhaps - and equally as worrisome - they are confusing gifts with roles. GFL's managing editor Caryn Rivadeniera's recent book, Mama's Got a Fake I.D., has caused me to examine this issue a bit closer. In my review of her book on my blog, I offer a possible reason why embracing this aspect of identity is difficult for some women, attributing it to a contemporary form of asceticism - a denial of pleasures for some sort of spiritual attainment.

Some women, I am learning, are uncomfortable discussing their spiritual gifts if they are not identical to how they function in their roles, because for them these gifts might overshadow what they perceive to be the true functions of a woman, wife, or mom.

Yet Paul had no problem with any member of the church desiring spiritual gifts; therefore, giftedness and function/role ought never to be pitted against each other, especially in this way. How a woman is a wife and a mom and how she serves within the body of Christ will both be impacted by her personality, her interests, her talents, and her gifts. Enabling a false distinction between the two creates a dualism God never intended.

In developing clarity on this, another elephant appeared in the room. When gifts and roles are pitted against each other, an important and valid distinction is lost between self-denial and selflessness, the latter which we find as the example of Jesus who gave his life for the church. We also find that it is selflessness, not self-denial, which is the foundation for biblical submission. When women focus their energy on denying or refusing to embrace God-given aspects of who they are in an effort to preserve or protect the image they have of wife and mom, the biblical teaching of submission also falls prey to becoming an act of negation ("giving up") instead of a positive act of love ("giving to").

Submission ceases to be a selfless way of living and takes on the form of denying the self of pleasures or wants. It becomes a new rule instead of a virtue. One might argue that self-denial is a primary component of submission, but we should hope that it is much deeper than a denial of pleasure, but is rather an offering grounded in respect and love. For Jesus, submitting to the Father's will had serious implications, but his submission was positive - giving to the will of the Father, not giving up the life he would rather have kept. His longings were not for what he was losing.

Understanding the distinction between self-denial and selflessness gets at the heart of our broken humanity, but also recognizes that not everything about our humanity is broken. Of course, we are dead in our sins, but created in the image of God and being recipients of spiritual gifts, we are called to the do good works we were created for (Ephesians 2:10). But when self-denial replaces selflessness, there is the risk of eliminating what God ordained to be used for his purposes.

Food for Thought

At Western Seminary I teach a class called "Women in Pain." Each school term I hear students tell stories of wounds - divorce, widowhood, abortion, infertility, death, sexual abuse. Women often tell me my seminary classroom is the first place they could admit their source of hurt and feel accepted and understood.

Women process pain differently than men. Women need to talk about it, to get it out in an affirming environment before receiving direction. Empathetic listening skills are critical. Understanding is essential. In some ways, women desperately need the comfort only other women can give.

I have discovered that once my students hear the story of a woman who has experienced the pain of abortion, divorce, or domestic violence, they begin to grow in compassion. They open their hearts for a deeper understanding of the pain, and an eagerness for helping those who feel it.

At the same time, a woman who has had the opportunity to share her own story of pain in a safe environment also grows in healing and compassion. A woman who has overcome intense hurt often feels an intense desire to help those with similar wounds.

Grooming Leaders

"And then," the student continued, "The professor interrupted me in the middle of my presentation. He totally didn't take me seriously." My colleague and I looked at each other.

"He might . . ." I paused and began again. "You . . ." I looked at her, wrangled my courage and spit it out. "I wonder if your outfit was subliminally causing him not . . . um . . . to take your presentation seriously." She looked at me, surprised.

"You do look a little like you're going to a party," my colleague commiserated, nodding at the large flower in her hair.

"And it's cute," I said, "But inappropriate for a presentation."

Aspiring leaders long to be taken seriously. Sometimes - in some circles - we can't do much to make this happen. But we can try.

After my experience with this student, I came up with some simple, proactive ways to encourage young leaders to present themselves that garner respect. Of course, it's not surefire, nor scientific, but it may help. Let me know what you think.

1. Dress in clothes that fit.
As those of us who have spent hours looking for a pair of jeans that actually fit know, the fact that most clothes don't fit most women well comes as no surprise. Learn about your body dimensions and wear clothing that flatters your body type. Go through your closet and give away the clothes that are too small. Ask a friend who sews (Pay or barter for her services.) or a tailor to alter the clothing that fits badly. Looking presentable is not just about fashion, it's about fit.

2. Learn the difference between being unique and being flamboyant.
Some women are happy to put on a traditional, nondescript outfit and walk out the door. This tip is not for those women. This tip is for me, my student, and any other women who love unique or vintage clothing and lots of accessories. Choose one fun accessory, if you must. Ask yourself, "Do I look like a character in a play?" If the answer is yes, tone it down, sister. There's dressing up and then there's dressing up for a party. Work, business meetings, and presentations are not parties, even if they are fun.

3. Listen to your inflection.
Many women have a tendency to make declarative statements as if they have an invisible question mark at the end. While there's nothing wrong with this, a declarative sentence that sounds like a question implies doubt or insecurity, as if one is not sure what she's talking about.

4. Watch your language.
I'm not talking about four letter words here, that's a given. I'm talking about filler words such as "like," "you know," and "um." These little buggers infiltrate our speech every day. When you're thinking about which word to use next, pause, take a breath, think silently. Then talk. You will appear more thoughtful and, perhaps, you may become so.

5. Say "I" instead of "you"; say"think" instead of "feel"
Have you ever heard someone interviewed on the evening news telling about a crime they witnessed? "You just don't know what's going to happen around here anymore," a woman says, talking about herself. It's fine to talk about yourself, but take responsibility for that choice and say "I," not "you," when you are truly the subject.

Of course, if it's an issue of emotion, say "feel," but too often our thoughts are discussed as if they were emotions. "Thought" evokes a wiser connotation and implies that you're approaching the topic with an educated perspective. "Feel," is more nebulous and, like our emotions, more prone to change.

6. Navigate cultural literacy.
It happens to all of us. Someone brings up something we, somehow, missed in school or popular culture. I know someone who says, "Never heard of it," whenever I bring up a book with which she's unfamiliar. I know someone else who says, "I don't read fiction," ending the conversation. Even if you don't read fiction, or have never heard of a certain book, movie, theological or political idea, look upon the conversation as a way you can learn about something new (even if you don't check the book out of the library right away). Say "I don't know much about this. Tell me more."

What have you done to encourage others to take you more seriously? What's worked? What hasn't?