What We're Asked to Change
December 1, 2009 |
During a recent breakfast meeting, an apparently well-meaning supporter of my husband’s campaign for State Representative told him that he really should’ve changed his name “like the Jews used to do” if he’s serious about politics. It’s a racist world, the man said, and people just won’t want to vote for a Rafael Rivadeneira. Too Latin.
My husband laughed at the offense and ridiculousness (“Maybe he doesn’t realize a guy named Barack Obama sits in the Oval Office,” Raf said) as he told me this, but the blood drained from my face. My hands burned as I clutched them together.
In the years of being married to a Latino—who certainly has run into racist jabs and slurs—I don’t think I’d ever been so angry at something someone said, at least regarding race. Because this tapped into the deepest roots of hatred, racism and ignorance. Into the part that said if he wanted to succeed, he had to make others more comfortable with who he was—by becoming someone else. That to succeed on a particular path, he had to change something central to who he was—and more importantly, who God made him to be. And that gets me. Big time.
My anger abated as my husband ran through names that might work better for him (perhaps something punchy and Irish: Swifty McSweeney? Or classic American politician, maybe: Adam Kennedy Roosevelt?). However, I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I’ve held on to some bitterness over this man’s statement.
Particularly since it echoed something I’ve heard so often in my life—starting when I was a girl, continuing through my current life as a wife, mom, and leader. No matter how much others might support our callings to any of our roles, it seems that so often women are being asked to give up, to change, to alter something integral to who we are to make others more comfortable with us in our roles.
Sometimes these things are smallish. This blog has covered stories of women being told they’re too pretty to preach. Of women needing to look less stylish. We’ve heard of women being told to use words like “think” instead of “feel” because men “think” and therefore is more respected than feeling. We’re told to be less aggressive. To be more complimentary. To get right to the point to help men understand us.
Sometimes these things are huge. That we need to change a calling entirely. Or minimize it or shift its audience. Because we must have misunderstood God and what he intended from us. That we need to put off marriage or motherhood or put off pursuing a calling. Because God apparently can’t work with both, we’re told (in not so many words).
Of course, sometimes these things aren’t so off base. Change can be good. Rude people should become more polite. Cruel, more kind. Ignorant people could stand to learn a few things. Fearful ones should grab some courage. All of us could stand to add some more Fruits of the Spirit and love in our lives and leadership, I think. All of us can use more steadfast focus on God, and less on ourselves.
But I think that leading with more Spirit, more love, more attention on God is often the thing that leads people to discomfort with our leadership, wanting them to have us change.
But while this may be a racist world and my husband may indeed lose votes because he is Hispanic, sinking into cultural sins and changing his name doesn’t help make a difference in Kingdom of God—which is what he believes he’s being called to do in his campaign.
And while being a woman in church or ministry leadership may rub many the wrong way, conforming to what makes the world more comfortable doesn’t do much for God. As followers of God, we’re to be agents of change (transformers!), not to be changed by the world. And yet, that’s what so many want us to do.
I don’t know. Maybe I’m wrong here, but I just wanted to hear your thoughts on this. What have you had to change in your leadership life? What’s been worth it? What have you missed out on because of it? How does changing for God differ from changing for the world?
Caryn Rivadeneira, managing editor of Gifted for Leadership, is author of Mama's Got a Fake I.D.: How to Reveal the Real You Behind All That Mom. She and her family live in the western suburbs of Chicago. Visit her at her blog or The Mommy Revolution blog.
Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on December 1, 2009
Comments
Fourteen years ago I was appointed as the first woman on our church council and I was very conscious that I was representing women in my role. Instead of trying to fit in, I made sure that I always presented myself as a woman, not "one of the guys". This included always wearing a skirt or dress when serving communion or preaching, making sure that there were references to sewing or cooking or some feminine skill in my sermons. It was lovely to see the smiles and nods from women as a word picture they could relate to hit home. I threw in a few sports metaphors as well but they were track references not football! I also pushed the envelope a bit in fashion by wearing make up, a contemporary hairstyle and skirts that skimmed the knee instead of the calf as a "proper Baptist woman" should. I did this for the teenage girls and young women hoping they might see in me a model they could relate to. These things may seem superficial but they added a stamp of womanhood on my other "harder" skills like leadership, organization and confidence. We now have a predominately female church council - something we are seeking to balance better but there is no longer any hesitance in electing women to leadership in our church. They can be who they want to be. And I can now wear pants when I preach if I want to!
Posted by: Karen Pryznyk on December 2, 2009
What a wonderful post!
A year ago, I came on staff at my new church home as Director of Children's Ministry. I've volunteered for many years in women's ministry (specifically to moms), and am(more or less) comfortable and confident in an all-female arena. However, I found myself intimidated initially by sitting with Administrative Council (as an at-large member) for several reasons: I was female, I was significantly younger than the others serving, and I had less formal training and education than those I sat with - not to mention that my dress was far more contemporary and casual than anyone else's. I can't say for certain that anyone else was keenly aware that I stood apart in these ways (though I suspect SOME of them must have), but in the year I've served on the council and in my position, I've found my footing and my way without altering who I am in Christ. In fact, precisely because I've made my focus the Lord and not the opinions of those around me - (though I haven't been flawless in this) I find that I'm being embraced and accepted by those around me. And perhaps, the lesson for me (at the end of the day)is that the prejudice I most suffered from - was my own.
Posted by: Kris Ann on December 2, 2009
I rejoice with Karen and Kris that you have found the freedom to be yourselves and model being a godly Christian female leader in your settings.
This post struck a chord with me because in my experience, there's been a lot of pressure to change, and it was said to be "for God" but really it was for the world, or the men who thought they spoke for God by saying I was rebellious, or misunderstood God's call. I needed to fit their definition of a godly woman, which certainly didn't include any kind of leadership. And all the pressure to change came with implicit promises that if I did, I'd be happier, God would be happier, and everything would be better. But it wasn't true.
I gave in to the pressure for far too long, and now regret the lost years and lost opportunities. Yet I also know that God brought me safely through that time and can still use me just the way he made me. I wasn't, as so many tried to tell me, some kind of divine mistake. And now I look to God to use me for that very thing Caryn mentioned: transformation of this world into God's world.
Posted by: lmb on December 2, 2009
Many years ago I had the privilege of being the first woman in a ministerial position at my church. As I began attending the all male staff meetings, I did not go in trying to change what they had built in camaraderie. I tried to get the feel of the meetings before giving a lot of input. Of course the atmosphere changes when a woman goes into a man's meeting but I think my attitude helped make it easier than if I'd come with an attitude of, "now I'm here things will be different." I had a wonderful staff to work with who were very supportive, but I went in "gently". Looking back, it was truly opening a door that had not been opened at our church before. I have been gone for 15 years from that church now serving in a denominational role with women's ministry but that open door has stayed open and I count it a privilege to have been the first one to walk through it at that church. I didn't have to "change" to do that. I just followed a calling the Lord had placed in my heart years before I sat in my first official staff meeting.
Posted by: Chris Adams on December 3, 2009
Many years ago I had the privilege of being the first woman in a ministerial position at my church. As I began attending the all male staff meetings, I did not go in trying to change what they had built in camaraderie. I tried to get the feel of the meetings before giving a lot of input. Of course the atmosphere changes when a woman goes into a man's meeting but I think my attitude helped make it easier than if I'd come with an attitude of, "now I'm here things will be different." I had a wonderful staff to work with who were very supportive, but I went in "gently". Looking back, it was truly opening a door that had not been opened at our church before. I have been gone for 15 years from that church now serving in a denominational role with women's ministry but that open door has stayed open and I count it a privilege to have been the first one to walk through it at that church. I didn't have to "change" to do that. I just followed a calling the Lord had placed in my heart years before I sat in my first official staff meeting.
Posted by: Chris Adams on December 3, 2009
Nice post - many share your struggle.
As Paul said, "Although I am free from everyone’s expectations, I have made myself a servant to all of them to win more people." This has always been a fine line to walk for Christians - and an even finer line for women.
Big changes are not usually completely resolved over night. Yes, we have an African American president, even so, race has not yet become a non-issue in the U.S.A. Although I hope it does, I doubt that total acceptance of women in ministry will happen in my lifetime.
Posted by: Kay on December 10, 2009
Thank you, Caryn. Women in leadership are often expected to adopt more masculine tendencies, to somehow proof they are "tough enough" or otherwise more capable of leading. God created man AND woman in his image, so the qualities that make us uniquely women reflect a part of God's character -- so why try to hide or downplay those qualities?
Posted by: Erin H. on December 10, 2009