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April 7, 2010

Can We Serve Too Much?

by by Caryn Rivadeneira

Every few weeks, my husband and I get together with a group of friends. Since we all met at church—and since we were the brainchild of our teaching pastor and his wife—we might look like a “small group,” but that’s not quite right. We get together and eat and drink and talk. And talk and talk. Whoever hosts gets to choose the topic of discussion—or to throw out some questions. We offer each other openness and confidentiality and support. And I love it.

Anyway, yesterday one of these friends emailed to see if we’d be interested in doing a little “service project” for our next get-together. Even though he suggested something simple that could be done while eating and talking, I actually groaned when I read his request. Though I waited a good half-hour before putting in my two cents, my email reply groaned right along with me.

I wrote that were it solely up to me, I’d rather not do the project (nice, I know) because, “I often feel like my life is one big, exhausting service project and one thing I love about this group is the chance to chill and be among people who I can admit things like I just did.”

I realized right away that I sounded horrible and whiney, half-bragger, half-martyr, but I sent it anyway. Because I actually feel strongly about this.

Don’t get me wrong: I have nothing against service projects. I believe we are called to serve. And I do (hence, the line about my life being one-big project). Most of the time I do it gladly—with a cheerful heart. I do it out of love—for God and for others.

But sometimes, I just can’t. Sometimes I just need a break from serving or leading or writing or playing or making dinner and just have a chance to be. To laugh, to talk, to share, to answer silly questions or discuss big topics. And to have something nice to sip and yummy to munch on while I’m doing it among friends just makes it all the better.

This is what this group represents to me. And it’s been a life-giving and renewing and restful group to be with. Which is why I found myself groaning. I suppose I feel protective of what it’s given me—of what it means to me. Maybe it’s selfish. Maybe it’s not.

I’m not sure. But I keep thinking.

Because we just had Easter, my brain keeps going back to Jesus—reclining at the table with his friends—at the Last Supper. Of course, the “you’re being selfish” part of me argues that Jesus did a “service project” at this supper: This was where he washed feet—our ultimate image of the servant leader!

But the “not selfish” part argues that this was their “last” supper—not the only supper. How many of these did they have when Jesus didn’t wash feet? What about all the ones where they just laughed and talked and ate? What about the one where Jesus got his feet anointed and his feet lavished with perfume.

Maybe I’m just trying to fit Jesus into a mold I need right now—and clearly, that’s not right. But I also think he did give us an example of a servant, a leader, a perfect man, who spent his days in ministry, who gave his life out of love, but who also needed some time to be. Among friends. To relax, to eat, to talk about their day—and sometimes to wash some feet. And sometimes to get his anointed.

So maybe the “trick” of it is to find a place where we can unload and unwind, where we can be renewed and refilled, but be ready to serve one another when needed. Does that sound right?

I still feel bad about the way I responded. I’ll probably end up emailing back—or sending out the link to this post (to see if anybody in my group reads what I write) and apologizing for my snippiness.

But I think my intention was right. That those of us who work in ministry—who spend what often feels like every moment—pouring out our very souls to others do need to protect these nourishing friendships and places we find.

What do you think? Do you get protective or greedy with people, places, and things that nourish you? Is this okay?

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Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on April 7, 2010 8:40 AM

Comments

It IS the host who gets to choose the topic, right? Perhaps those in your group who are not blessed to daily toil in ministry envy your opportunity to do so. Others may welcomed squeezing in a little ministry thing while dining and conversing. Over dinner you can express your preference not to continue this practice in future gatherings. When it's your turn, you can choose "come away with Me and find rest." (BTW, I think your group sounds wonderful!)

Posted By: Anne | April 7, 2010 9:18 AM

Sounds like a good topic for one of your evenings.

FWIW, I'd groan, too. There are always opportunities to serve, while fellowship like that is not as easy to come by. (In my experience, anyway.)

Posted By: reJoyce | April 8, 2010 8:15 AM

I am a pastor's wife, basicly a co-pastor with my husband, and this is EXACTLY how we've felt through most of our ministry. We've been especially weary the past few months and struggling with guilt because of weariness. Easter about did us in.

You are right to guard your time away from ministry. Otherwise you'll be ministering on empty, as so many of us so often do. I think your transparency will open up a great conversation in your group and here online. Thanks so much for sharing!

Posted By: Beth | April 9, 2010 9:37 AM

I have learned over the years how important it is to be refreshed. Our service to others must come from the overflow in our lives. Thankyou for your honesty. Sometimes all we need to say is "I'm really in need of some refreshing, God bless you as you serve Him today while I get recharged!" I say this as I sit in my pjs at 10:40am! Husband in Haiti building shelters. Taking advantage of alone time.

Posted By: Rhonda | April 9, 2010 10:45 AM

Interesting that I would read this today. I just wrote about Rest today on my blog. God wants us to have times of refreshment and rest but our culture and the culture of the church often works against this.

I hope you can take these times apart from serving without guilt. If you get used up then you truly have nothing to give.

I agree with you Rhonda.. out of the overflow.

Posted By: Alicia | April 9, 2010 11:23 AM

Awesome, this was very refreshing to read. I lead a small worship team and I encourage each of us to take a week off, whether we want to or not. It's so important to take 'downtime'.

Blessings & Peace,
Carolyn

Posted By: Carolyn Stewart | April 9, 2010 12:00 PM

Yes, I do get greedy with things that nourish me, because ministry is draining. I serve on ministry staff at our church and I absolute love what I do and the team of people I work with. But that doesn't change the fact that many times it feels like the things that drain totally eclipse the things that fill. We have a small group like yours and I'm loving it. I need it. And I'm still dealing with the guilt over its purpose because it's not the typical small group model of discipling, growing, and multiplying that our church would prefer. If everything in our lives is focused on ministry we won't last long. I don't think it's wrong to have something that is just to fill us up. For what it's worth, you have my permission to groan. I would have!

Posted By: Andrea | April 9, 2010 9:13 PM

Interesting article and comments on an issue that is a constant challenge for those of us with a heart to serve. i can't say I would have responded the way the author did to the service suggestion. I may have entertained the idea as a break from usual 'chilling'.I guess it has to do with how we view service . After all it is also true that Jesus derived the greatest joy from sacrificing himself for others. I know, it's important to be balanced. The needs are great and can drain us if we are not constantly being refreshed physically and by the Spirit of God. I pray the Spirit will give us all wisdom to choose wisely when to rest and when to serve.

Posted By: Anthony | April 10, 2010 2:22 AM

It was good to read about how others handle the challenge of balancing service and down time. We want to serve, but I am sure that the Lord understands our need for breaks. Over the years I have come to accept that we are all different in how much we can take and for how long we can go on tirelessly. I value people who allow others to take time out without making them feel guilty

Posted By: Eva | April 10, 2010 4:16 AM

Thank you for your post. Interesting how many people talk about feeling guilty....I've been there many times myself! I've come to the conclusion in recent years that walking with a healthy heart is my responsibility - and only I know when I'm running near empty. What is incredibly draining to me might be restoring to someone else. There are exceptional times when sacrificial service is needed, but most of the time when I've "served too much" it has been not to bless others, but to "do enough" for God. Now that I make a practice of resting in Him, it's amazing how less pressured I feel to "do everything"...and you know what? Everyone else is doing just fine without me being a stressed-out, burned-out workaholic. When I do serve, it's with love and grace and a heart that can truly engage with God and others - what a gift it's been to me and I believe to others too. Protect your heart....and all the things your heart finds restoring and refreshing.

Posted By: Emma | April 11, 2010 3:30 AM

Totally understand how you felt. Jesus didn't seem to feel guilty leaving the crowds of people to go off alone to rest, pray, be alone with the disciples. He left cities without meeting every need in sight. Yes, Jesus sacrificed but He also gave us an example of resting and taking time from always giving to taking time to be refreshed. Give yourself a break and enjoy "the unforced rhythms of grace." (Matthew 11:28-30 "The Message"

Posted By: Angela C | April 12, 2010 11:31 PM

All the comments are true. I'm at a point in my life where I need such a group. A group you can drop your guard and trust. A place where you can grow, I envy you. I'm not growing any more, but I yearn too. The people in my circle don't seem to be able to help me. They don't teach how I learn and I have so many questions I'm bursting at the seams. Please pray for me.

Posted By: Lisa L | April 13, 2010 10:48 AM

I wholeheartedly agree with you. Those of us who have servants hearts should desire opportunities to serve but all things in our lives must be kept in balance. Just like all work and no play leads to burnout, all service and no time to refresh will as well. All Christian servants need times of refreshing, fun, and friendship with no stipulations required. I enjoyed your article.

Posted By: Angie Hamm | April 15, 2010 8:59 AM

Maybe it is selfish and maybe it is not. There is room to suggest additional time for service projects and still have a time that is solely for sharing and rest. It can develop into something more. The fear and the concern is that this time for quality fellowship is lost to service projects or that you may not be allowed to eat in peace. Sometimes you can't eat and work and certainly you don't want to get into the habit of it.

Posted By: Linda | April 17, 2010 9:29 AM

Years ago,when I was a new convert, my church went through a major transformation, the lead pastor left with half of the congregation and the funds from the building account. Being on sick leave from my job, I decided to use my management skills to run the office. A new Pastor was sent from overseas, and I had the task of managing him, the finaces, the emotions of the congregation who were all mature Christians, and my quest to serve but still be fed.
I found myself in the office during unsociable hours, sitting on every committee in the church, liasing with lawyers, landlords, IR, debt collectors etc.
It got to a point where I got so exhausted that I was physically sick after a member called my early one morning to make a demand. God ministered to me through his word, and I felt the urge most days to run home to read my Bible, just to be close to God. During this period, I had no opportunity to attend discipleship classes, or be baptised, as after church on Sundays, I would be in meetings all afternoon, and my Pastor, who loved committees would announce that I would be on every committee and at every meeting.
I felt close to breaking point, especially as there was bad feelings between 2 of the Trustee's.
Fortunately, 6 other women and I formed a group where we could chill out and be real, and speak about the challenges in our love walk with the Lord, and our feelings about the situation at church.
Eventually, I had to leave, after, the 2 trustees threatened to punch each other during a meeting.
I went to another church where I blossomed, I was happy, after service I would go for lunch and a Bible study, I attended encounters, living free programs, and leadership courses.
But, I have refused to serve, as behind the scenes is not a pretty cheery "God Bless You", as it appears from the front, and although my strength is church admin, I don't want to be bogged down by all the stress that robs me of the joy of serving God. And the prayerful manipulation that comes from the pulpit, when the church leadership recognise the skills that you have. I walked into a meeting last year, and immediately they started thanking God for me as they needed someone to battle with the community and authorities on the church's behalf.
Yes Jesus, did serve, and he is a wonderful example, but serving should be done with a willing, cheerful and loving heart, and after my experience, I don't feel that I want to anymore.
I know that I sound selfish and whiney, but I just needed an avenue to be real and this article really resonated with me.
Please pray for me.

Posted By: Constance | April 22, 2010 9:02 AM

Caryn, thank you for the article. According to Scripture, our first call is to "Come follow me" (Matt. 9:9). We know He has blessed us with every spiritual blessing and all that entails (Eph. 1:2-6). In John 4:34 Jesus says to His disciples: "My food is to do the will of Him who sent Me, and to finish His work." Jesus' purpose was to finish what the Father had sent Him to do, nothing more, nothing less. This He did in absolute obedience to the One who sent Him. Part of His work was to take time out to rest and pray as we are told in Luke 5:16--"So He Himself often withdrew into the wilderness and prayed." He did not allow the people to deter Him from God's schedule for His ministry (Luke 4:42-43)"...I must...,because for this purpose I have been sent." If the Son of God needed to take time to rest and be strengthened in His spirit by seeking His Father in prayer, how much more we as ordinary women and men need to do so. God's plan for each of His children is to mature in the faith and seek to "know the things that have been freely given to us by God" (1 Cor. 2:5--16). I find no Scripture, by my own study or from Bible scholars, that teaches God calls His children to be perpetual ministry motion machines. I have heard it said (and confess to thinking this at times, even knowing it untrue), if I don't do it it will not get done. Also, what will others think if I don't do (fill in the blank)? My focus is to be on becoming the woman God created me to become, knowing that as I am becoming, the doing will naturally flow from my heart (Eph. 2:8-10). Perhaps your question to yourself should be: Do I feel bad because the Holy Spirit is convicting me OR because of what others may think? When I am unclear what is coming from God or my own ideas, I seek His face and ask Him to sort out what is from Him and what is not. Sometimes His answer is immediate, sometimes it takes longer, but He Always makes it clear. He will also help you with any apology you need to make for the "tone" of your response. I encourage you to continue seeking times of refreshing and rest (alone and with others) that will allow God to strengthen and work in your heart. Someone has written "I would rather burn out than rust out" in reference to his ministry. I find no basis for this in Scripture. God had a specific plan for His Son and He has a plan for you (Jer. 29:11)...sometimes we need to take time out to see clearly what our next step is. Thank you for being transparent.

Posted By: Susan F. | April 24, 2010 10:12 AM

I thank all for the enlightening comments.
My husband is an Elder at our church and
he feels that his church responsibilities
come before his marital and father responsibilities. Is this true? If so
please share scripture if it is not so, please share scripture. Because it is driving a wedge between two being one. Help. And he is very tired and they takes
alot of time from the couple and the family.
Help. Thank you.

Posted By: Debra S. | May 10, 2010 5:24 AM

Debra, I'm sorry to hear that about your husband. I just read your comment and it hurts me every time I see something like this. I am a pastor. When I read 1 Timothy 3 talking about the Overseers and Deacons, Paul says in verse 4 "He must manage his own family well..." I know the way everyone takes this is that the family must be 'in control' but I would also venture to say that this verse speaks of taking care of any core issues or needs the family might have.
My personal opinion is this should be the order of importance in everyone's life: 1.Relationship with God, 2.Family, 3.Ministry, and continuing from there.
All of my mentors in school have always stressed this, and all of the books I read stress this. No matter who you are family should come before ministry. (hear my heart, there are times tho when ministry might need to overstep the family, there are needs that we cannot control, but family should be the usual one to come first).

Posted By: Eric | May 14, 2010 6:28 AM

Thanks my sister in Christ, thanks for sharing this article. I would have done the same thing you did. People in ministry have very little time, to "come apart and rest for awhile". We need the break to refresh us mentally and physically. I love your group. There should be many such groups in our world. Even in such a group, people get ministered to. God bless.

Posted By: Abigail Taylor | June 4, 2010 8:27 PM

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