Along with my sisters I helped care for my sister in law before she died. It was my friends, not my church, that provided encouragement. My church now has a parish nurse who I understand helps encourage those who are dying, those who care for them, and those who grieve. A grief support group is also offered periodically for those who are experiencing grief. But the work of caregiving is still primarily family/friend work.Providing regular visits, respite, and financial assistance would improve the quality of this time of life for both the one who is dying and the caregivers.

For one degree or another, I was primary caregiver for my mother from 1978 until she passed away in 2008. I never considered that the "goal" of caregiving was death, as Moll suggests. Mom "cheated" death so many times in those 30 years. Even going into that last terrible week, I was praying for her recovery. I saw no sign of Jesus "visiting" my mom as she lay semi-comatose and felt completely abandoned by Him. Obviously I was totally unprepared for what Moll calls a "spiritual transition." Death, to me, is and always has been the enemy. Even though I know Mom is with the Lord, it has taken these two years and more for me to come to terms with the way she died, as I had specifically prayed that her end NOT happen the way it did.

A number of years ago, I was at the bedside of a woman in her '70s during her last moments here on earth. The other pastor of the congregation was also present. A panic coming over me as I realized that my inexperience being present with the dying paled in comparison with this older more experienced congregational pastor. Would I "do" it right? I took a deep breath and let the spirit and my intuition guide me as I spoke and prayed. Later the pastor told me that he was very impressed with what I did and said. His words - "I've watched my wife (also a pastor) and now you be present with someone who is dying. You have a touch that I and my other male colleagues just don't have."

I believe that many women have intuitive care giving gifts that do make it easier for us to interact with those in crisis. So, your statement that women are leading the way in care giving for the elderly does not come as a surprise. At the same time, we need to encourage and nurture the men in our families and in our congregations to hone those skills and participate fully in the care of the elderly. The elderly need the balance of male and female; daughter and son.

One of the things that the church offers that very few other organizations do, is an inter generational gathering of people. Many of the churches in my denomination consciously work at providing support to those who are caregivers as well as the elderly. But in a busy world, it must be a conscious thing - part of the DNA of any congregation. Otherwise, like many other "good" things it will remain just that, a "good" thing.

I totally agree with Rob Moll's last sentence. Some of my holiest moments in ministry have come when I have been at the side of someone who is dying or has had a loved one die. As Christians, we live and die in hope because of the death and resurrection of our Lord Jesus Christ. We need to learn how to die well, fully embracing that hope that we have in Jesus Christ.

I work in a care ministry of a local church and have been awed by the impact of how some of our people have cared for others in these end-of-life situations. For example, recently we had an elderly couple where the wife was dying of cancer and the husband was quickly becoming unable to live independently due to Alzheimers disease. Their three adult children lived out of state and made heroic efforts to be available for their parents. People in our church stepped in to fill the gap and became what this older couple referred to as "their angels" who helped with transportation, moving from their home, meals, encouragement, and the very important "ministry of presence". In my opinion, no health insurance program or even a quality hospice program could have provided the same level and breadth of care that these dear people provided to a very special couple in our congregation.

As a pastor's wife, I've watched some women in our congregation care for dying parents. My mother-in-law also cared for her dying mother for about a year in her home. I'd have to say what I've seen is a mixed bag. My mother-in-law enjoyed tremendous support from her local hospice, which made a huge difference in a difficult situation that was obviously very draining. But, I feel she wouldn't have had it any other way. She has definitely grown from the experience, though I would also say it did negatively affect her health. Her church was very supportive, but hospice provided the true, direct care to both her and her mother. I was especially impressed by the ongoing counseling they offer to the caregiver.

A woman in our church, who is in her 70s, has been caring for her elderly mother for years. It seems to be taking quite a toll on the caregiver. The worst part is that the mother is demanding and not very nice to her daughter. As a small church, the support we provide caregivers is indirect, though not insigificant. If we have a tradition of dying well, it would be more of a cultural ideal than a direct program or ministry. I think for a church like ours, improved end-of-life ministry would probably involve more specialized pastoral care and perhaps relief care (which would be very challenging for a number of reasons). It may make more sense to hook up with a quality community program. I will say that if the mother being cared for were more honed in the art of dying, it would make the task much easier for her caregiver. Personally, I've taken this lesson to heart and vowed, by God's grace, to die as well as I can, so that my daughter will not be terribly harmed by the experience.

My close friend and mentor died from cancer two years ago. She exemplified dying well, as friends and family gathered around her even in her last couple of weeks in the hospital in a mostly unresponsive state. During the final year of her illness she taught me more about living a victorious Christian life in how she died than anyone has ever taught me by how they lived! I was very disappointed in her church, however. They were great to pray for her and send cards, but during the long days she was homebound, before her final hospitalization, she could have used their gift of 'presence' as well. She was in so much pain, and was largely immobile, but her need for companionship and conversation were still very vital! People felt uncomfortable, and it was awkward knowing she was dying, but it was awesome as well to sit with her as she progressively gave up this life for a better one. I will never forget the amazing talks we had about suffering, heaven and God’s faithfulness. Just by being there with her, and listening, I ministered to her emotional and spiritual needs, and she ministered to me! Our Emmaus community (an ecumenical spiritual renewal group we both participated in) gave more support during her final illness than her home church did, carrying out well the mission to be 'the hands and feet of Christ' all believers are called to be. Her church would do well to learn from our Emmaus community to give to others the same way Christ has given to us, extravagantly!

I am caring for an elderly lady right now and liked your article very much. I was just telling someone that we have a youth pastor and a teen pastor and our main pastor but we do not have a 'seniors' pastor at our church. They have so much to offer and we seemto neglect them and set them aside.
I am praying that this changes. We don't even sing the old hymns for them any longer. They so yearn to hear the old hymns because it brings back wonderful memories of years gone by. I also think that these hymns sung once a month or so would give a glimpse to the youth of what the older people used to sing.
I am in constant prayer for our church.

Not only does the church have an opportunity to minister to caregivers within the local church, there is also a tremendous opportunity for outreach to caregivers unconnected to Christ and a church home. Some churches host adult day care where caregivers can bring their loved ones for social interaction and activities while they get a break. Other churches have caregiver support groups where caregivers can find encouragement from others in the same stage of life. Reaching out to caregivers is a wonderful way to impact your community for Christ.

I have recently laid to rest both of my parents and a brother, and I remain the guardian of a severly disabled brother who was injured in a tragic accident. (At the same time we also were dealing with the serious issues of an adopted son.) It consumed my life. WIthout the support of a wonderful husband and four awesome kids, I could not have survived. When it got overwhelming I reminded myself that some day I would not "get to" do this. I tried to consider it a privilege to spend those early morning hours with my mom in the emergency room or sitting at Dad's bedside while he was too confused to know I was there. And today, though bittersweet, I consider those last weeks and hours with each of them very precious. And in the end, I would like to think I helped my parents die with dignity.

At first my church was supportive, though not often in tangible ways. I have come to the conclusion that when people say, "I will pray for you", they should be willing to be the answer to that prayer, they should be willing to be used of God to meet those needs, to provide relief for the caregiver. As time went on and we continued to have deaths and tragedies happen(this all ocurred in 6 years) the church tired of helping us and we were told to "buck up and deal with it." That still stings, but I have determined to forgive them. I don't dwell on what didn't happen because we can't do it over. Instead I remind myself of the good memories I have - my mom's last words to me were, "I love you" and as my dad lay dying, barely coherent, he prayed for each of us by name.

I was involved in caring for my father long distance for the last 2 yrs of his life after several strokes. I was the health care proxy and had to make difficult decisions at his end of life. It was my pleasure to shepherd him to his final home with the Lord. I am now caring for my mother who is unable to do many of the basics she needs to remain independent in her home, but stubornly refuses to relocate near us to receive any professional assistance. My last year with my dad was incredibly difficult. I thank God for a suportive husband and resilent children. Most of my support came from my family members (spouse, sister) and close friends (not in the church).

Our church has not been involved in an organized way to help carry on the tradition of the art of dying. Even our pastor kept it a complete secret that his own mother was dying and most of the congregation didn't know until after she had passed. We were only enabled to support after her death.
During the experience with my father I started a study with my sister (Compassionate Caregiving) which helped in many practical ways to put the right perspective on my role helping my father transition (addressing both spritual and practical issues). When I tried to enlarge the study to include our church members ironically we didn't have enough people interested to get it off the ground. It probably would have helped more to have this topic addressed more openly from the pulpit the same way adoption has been addressed in our church. Topics about the end of life.. how we view and can cherish the elderly in our lives... etc.
One other way that the church did help was this year to create a special memorial service to recognize and celebrate our loved ones during all St's day.

I have been a caregiver for my husband for the last 10 years. He was diagnosed with a terminal illness and has very slowly been declining since June, 2000. I have been very fortunate to have wonderful friends and family for support and help. The cost of caregiving, however, has been unbelievable. W/o my faith and trust in God, I doubt I would have not made it. He has been my Rock and my Salvation. I truly believe God has His purposes for everything that happens - I have become a stronger, more confident woman and my journey with the Lord has not waivered. We moved north from Florida a year ago to be nearer our daughter. God has brought us here, to a retirement community, for a purpose. I now have a Christian counselor, have made many Christian friends, found a great church, and my faith is strong. My husband is not a Christian, but, I am still hoping he will turn to the Lord before he stands before God. Blessings to all caregivers. Rely on the Lord.

Because I lived 3 hours away from my mother, I made many trips to her side when she was in her last years. My stepfather was in the early stages of Alzheimers which made things unsettled to say the least. He had a son who lived nearby which helped a lot. My mother's church did have someone who came form time to time when needed. It was extremely difficult for me because my mother was of the opinion that one of her girls (I have a sister who lived 8 hours away and another one who lived 13 hours away) should pick up and move to her side. She became difficult to care for through her many surgeries as she aged. I found that I did not really know what to expect as time when on. I wanted to do my best for her but never seemed to know just the right thing to do. Now that I am getting older, I wonder what will happen in my life. I am in the process of changing churches and that is quite an undertaking for one who is 75 years old. The church I am considering has many older people unlike the one I have been attending. However, they have no care giving program in the church, nor does the previous church mentioned. It seems that as you age, you are on your own. Your article has spurred me into thinking that there is a lot to learn on the subject so as to do the respectful thing when it comes to our elderly. I certainly was not equipped to take care of my mother and it appears to me that too many of the elderly are going to suffer in different ways because of our lack of realization as to what their needs are and how to provide those needs without being insensitive toward them. It gives me pause and leads me to prayer.

In a culture obsessed with youth, health, "productive" activity, we Christians especially need to acknowledge the realities of vulnerability, frailty, mortality - of which the art of dying is an essential part. But I think part of the reason the art of dying is so little practiced is that we have a poor notion of what the art of living entails. As someone with a long-term disabling condition and no one to share the burden and as someone who knows so many in long-term caregiving situations, functionally abandoned by the church, it seems to me that concentrating on the last months, weeks, moments -however inspiring and vital - isn't complete without shared life and love

My church in Sept. 2009 formed teams called Alongside Teams to help individual families do caregiving. The training was available through the local Alzheimer's Assn. An average of 16-20 people comprise one team. Say a team has 20 people, 2 serve each week in a 10 week rotation doing whatever the family needs that week, ie meals, transportation to dr., house cleaning, yardwork, etc. The team is never expected to do medical help. The feedback has been wonderful!!! The team members receive many blessings for their service in Christ's name.

I spent the last two years caring for my 87 year-old grandfather. He lives in the same city that I was going to college in, so after two years in the dorms, he asked if he could help me out with school expenses by giving me a free place to live. I eagarly accepted, but not just for a free place to live, but also because my grandfather has been the only positive male role model/father figure in my life for as long as I can remember.

It was an interesting experience caring for him. For awhile he was still pretty self sufficient, he was able to drive himself to volunteer at the food pantry, go to his doctor appointments on his own, and he remembered to eat (although it was usally a tv dinner since he didn't cook.) He also went to the nursing home and fed my grandmother (his wife of 63 years) lunch every day. I cleaned the house, and tried to cook for him as much as I could, and my mom took care of all the bills, so I didn't have to do that.

After awhile, I had to start reminding him to take his medication (I filled all of it for him, and put them out each morning and night.) He really took a turn for the worse though when my grandmother passed away in December 2009. He never recovered from that experience. He stopped helping at the pantry, stopped doing adoration every week at the church he'd attended for 50 years, and didn't really do anything but sit in his chair, sleep, and watch tv.

I took him to visit my grandmother's (his wife's) grave on April 7th (her birthday), and then my grandfather passed away on April 13th.

Throughout the last few months, my church has been amazing for me. They have held me up in so many ways, and offered to help in any way that they could. For both funerals, we had numerous family members here (my mom's the youngest of 8, and my grandfather was the oldest of 6, 4 of whom are still living), so we had a full house, and were very busy. My church provided meals for us, prayers, and anything else we asked for. I'm also in a community group through my church, and many of the members in that group offered to let me stay with them for a few days if I didn't want to be in an empty house. I'm not sure how I would have gotten through this much grief without them.

I still live in my grandparents house, although now I have two other girls living here as roommates. I'll be here until I graduate and get a good job, and then hopefully buying the house from the family. My grandparents lived here for 58 years, and I can't imagine anyone but the family owning this house.