Does Ministry Kill Marriage?

The other morning I got up early to write, but while waiting for the coffee to brew, I turned on the TV. Big mistake. As I clipped through the channels, I stopped to watch the movie Freedom Writers. Again.

My friend Anita first encouraged me to see this movie, starring Hillary Swank and Patrick Dempsey. At face value, Freedom Writers is another one of those inspirational movies about an idealistic teacher who heads into a tough school and turns the students’ lives around. In this case, she does it (among other things) by encouraging her students to keep journals.

It’s a good movie. Well done. Powerful and moving. Especially for anyone who believes in the power of the written word.

But what gets me most about this movie is one little scene—one that shakes me and leaves me troubled and wondering.

*SPOILER ALERT*

At a point in the movie, Hillary Swank’s character is left by her husband. He’s never understood why she’s working so hard for her troubled students, doesn’t like the time it takes, and just can’t accept what she feels is her calling. So he packs his bags and leaves.

While many other scenes may be more poignant, more tear-jerking, and more central to the plot, this little scene stays with me because I’ve seen it happen to so many women I know. Women who have followed a calling (followed God!), who have poured their hearts, minds, and souls into a ministry, only to see their marriages fall apart.

In some circles, the women are blamed. They have neglected their husbands, they’re told. It’s no wonder the men leave. Or stray. (Yet in these same circles, were the roles reversed—were it the husband pouring his heart, mind, and soul into ministry—women are expected [praised!] to endure this same neglect.)

Of course, this isn’t true in all marriages. I know other women in ministry who’ve sustained wonderful relationships, whose husbands cheer and support them. Putting up not only with “neglect” but giving up much more so that their wives can follow a calling.

These are husbands who follow in the footsteps of Joseph who, as Carolyn Custis James writers about, gave up everything—his home, his family, his business, his pride—to follow Mary and her calling as Jesus’ mother. Certainly it is because of his willingness to do this that God considered him a righteous man.

But my mind goes back to the others—the women who’ve followed God and it cost them a marriage. Or so it seemed.

And I’m curious about your thoughts and experiences. Has your own marriage taken a hit because of ministry? Have you known others whose has? Or, on the flip side, how have you seen marriages flourish from ministry involvement?

Bothered by the Business of Church

I’ll admit that I like to pull a Scarlett O’Hara when it comes to the less attractive side of church leadership, like getting the parking lot paved or turning in a budget. “Fiddle dee dee!” I shrug. “I can’t think about that now! I’ll think about that tomorrow…”

I think the business of church can be excruciating. What do you get when you take a room full of over-committed volunteers, mix in some underpaid staff workers, and toss in hundreds (or thousands) of church-goer expectations? How about business leaders who are used to managing corporate dollars combined with under-resourced and over-ambitious “kingdom” plans? Welcome to church business.

The ministry-minded among us tend to be jazzed by relationships, not regulations. We look upon tomes of policy with disdain, fearing death by legalistic rules and passion-less programming. But it’s a fair argument to say that avoiding this church business is not being a good steward of the resources that God provides each of our communities.

We do have to make sure the plumbing runs and the paychecks get cut. We need lights and A/C and erosion control. But church business can take a toll.

I talk to pastor’s wives, whose eyes betray the battle scars their family has endured at the mercy of “business.” I consider my own experiences helping raise a new church from its infancy, and recognize that nothing has the power to fracture and divide a community like the need to get something accomplished.

Generally, we church leaders tend to agree about the essentials of the faith. If I chose to begin teaching polytheism or swore off Jesus’ deity, I believe the “business” of church would be unanimous about my removal as a teacher. But when it comes to business, there is no go-to Scripture to consult, no theological treatise to quote.

On bad days, it feels like God is pulling his own Scarlett, leaving us church folk on our own to wrestle through these decisions. But in reality, I wonder if he’s left it up to us as a test of our own strength of community; stretching the bonds of unity in the essentials and of love and compromise with each another in the non-essentials.

The stories passed among leaders of battles lost tend to stick more than the victories won. Rarely do I hear about the celebration of a leadership team who decided without fanfare to approve the budget. What sticks is the ugly. The times when teams can’t agree and bitter strife is the result. Those are the things that fracture, that divide, the arguments that make us wonder if we are anywhere near what God intended for us as the body of Christ.

Acts 2 is the highly quotable passage about the early church, that utopian place we all long for. But by Acts 15, there is strife and disagreement between Paul and Barnabas over a fellow leader, John Mark, that ultimately causes them to part ways. I take great comfort in their later reconciliation (2 Ti 4:11). I am glad God gave us that slice of reality in his Word, knowing that despite sharp disagreements about the business of the early church, there is still unity of faith in the end.

The business of church can seem so regular and mundane that we forget the need to invite God into it. When ministering at a dying person’s bedside or counseling a couple through a crisis, prayer is rarely forgotten. Yet I’ve found that the more “ordinary” things of church leadership engage a part of me that wants to take charge, to control, and to manage outcomes on my own—a sure sign that my flesh is at work. When we find ourselves locked up in the business of church, we must be on guard against all kinds of evil—pride, stubbornness, close-mindedness and selfishness. We must draw near to God who promises to set our hearts straight and renew our minds. Only the power of God’s spirit can work us into that place with one another and enable us to embrace the business of church life.

Finding Strength in Rest

I saw a shooting star tonight!

I’ve never seen a shooting star before, and I wouldn’t have seen it this time except that I was walking up a rickety wooden pier in the lake and just happened to turn my head to the right, in time to see a brilliant downward flash of light that disappeared only a second after my mind understood what it was. I’m so grateful that I saw it, and all because I was taking the time to do nothing much except give my soul a rest.

I’m taking a few days off from ministry and family time to stay by the water in a little chalet, cosy-ing up with my Bible and my laptop—a great combination. I’ve been walking, sleeping, reading, writing, sleeping some more, and generally relaxing. I’ve found myself talking more to the Lord about stuff that’s been at the back of my mind than I’ve done for ages. Praying isn’t hard, but praying about things that sit under the surface of your thinking generally happens only when you take some time out. That’s what I’m doing right now.

The problem with those of us in ministry is that we run endlessly on our “very important” treadmills, and we rarely take the time to get under the surface of our thought processes to find out what we are really thinking about what we are thinking… sound confused? Well, it’s not really—if you just take the time.

Often, under the cluttered schedule of things to do and deal with, there lies another strata of thoughts that can remain un-dealt with even for years if we don’t give ourselves the time to take them out and look at them.

I don’t think it’s too strong to say that the health of the Church depends on the state of the hearts of its people, and the hearts of the people too often follow the hearts of their leaders—as the leader goes, so go the followers. You only have to look at biblical examples of the kings and leaders in the Old Testament to see that God’s people rise and fall in faith, integrity, power, and holiness by following their leaders. That’s an awesome and fearful responsibility. Those of us whose role is to influence others need to be very aware of the power of what we say and do.

James 3:1 says, “Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers and sisters, because you know that we will be judged more strictly.”

This Scripture shouldn’t turn us off being influencers for the establishing and building up of the Kingdom, but it certainly should encourage us to make sure that what we say and do is—to the best of our understanding—according to what God is saying.

I think we’re all sick of seeing leading and influential Christians falling over into behavior that both robs the Church of its reputation for Christlikeness and also disempowers those who have trusted their leaders to follow Christ in a way that enables people to follow them. Whether the issues be sexual sin, power plays, or just plain bad attitudes in which anger, self pity, self righteousness and dishonesty are allowed to corrupt otherwise good ministries, we all need to examine ourselves rather than start pointing and accusing those around us. This is one of those occasions when it needs to be “all about me.”

So, it’s a great time for me to get down to business with God, and to make the decision to do it more often. Time alone with the One who has the capacity to strip us down to the bare bones of our heart’s cry is the most powerful remedy for the kind of busyness that prevents us from being totally honest with God. It’s too easy to believe your own publicity, to take the measurement of who you are from the opinions of the people around you (both good and bad). Whatever others think of you, it’s only God’s opinion that counts, and it’s hard to discern what He thinks unless you take the time to stop and let him tell you.

Isaiah says it well in 30:15 when he tells Israel what God has said to them:

For thus said the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel, ‘in returning and rest, you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength’.

Isaiah goes on to say, “But you were unwilling.”

I don’t want to be unwilling to take the rest God so strongly advises. How about you?

When You Don't Feel Gifted

Who are you calling a leader?

John Maxwell says leadership is influence. Well, if that’s the case, I guess I’ve always been a leader. I’m the oldest child of two strong-willed, independent parents, so I may even have been born a leader! If I were in a group and no one was in charge, it was natural for me to step into the role. People often looked to me for answers and direction. However, I never recognized the patterns of leadership in my ordinary thoughts and actions until recently. As such, acknowledging that gift has been a struggle.

When my senior leaders asked me to transition into the role of executive pastor, I was reluctant. The title alone was intimidating, and I wasn’t sure I could actually lead at that level. Quite honestly, I felt completely inadequate to lead anyone, anywhere. You see, for a long time I didn’t believe I brought anything unique to our organization. Sure, I had some skill sets that added value. But I also believed there were others who possessed those same skills in greater abundance. If I were pulled out and one of them put in my place, the organization wouldn’t miss a beat.

In the last several months God has been quietly reframing the image I’ve had of myself.

He’s been helping me embrace the leader he designed me to be, and I’m discovering my own distinctive brand of leadership. I’m just now beginning to fully appreciate this gift, just learning to rise into the fullness of it. I’m seeing that the unique way God has packaged leadership in me brings value to our church. This particular body wouldn’t look or feel the way it does today without the influence of my unique leadership style. It’s a very humbling thought, but it keeps me grateful to the One who placed me here.

I am a leader and I have been gifted to lead. Do I always feel like it? Nope! But that’s a good thing, because it keeps me on my knees seeking his wisdom for how to do this in the best way possible.

What about you? Do you ever struggle with feeling like you are really a leader?