Ministry or not, marriage survival is about choosing to enter your spouse's world with a curious mind and a willing heart. We are celebrating our 10 year anniversary this week and 15 years of partnering in ministry. Even when I took years off from direct involvement, we worked daily to stay in touch with our worlds. Today, for example, I went to his "world" with a curious heart and willing mind. I call it having an "apprentice attitude" even in your marriage. Enjoy! http://www.livewithflair.blogspot.com/

I am a full time NCCA-licensed Christian Counselor and have ministered to many pastors and their spouses. They come in for counseling obviously because their marriages are in trouble. A recurring and common theme many times is that the ministry has replaced the spouse as the #2 priority in that person's life. It seems relatively easy to maximize the effort put into God's work and minimizing the involvement with their spouse. It is a sad excuse because we know that it is not God's plan but people tend to rationalize and get off the narrow road.

Although every marriage has it's ups and downs, being in full time ministry the entire time we've been married has been a struggle we were not prepared for. Both of us growing up in ministry homes, we were not ignorant as to the stress of ministry but living it in your marriage is a different story. Granted we survived 3 lay offs from churches and being terminated once. Then you have the politics that enter into many relationships between staff and churches, churches and pastors. I think the reasons for most divorce should be money, sex, kids, and full time church ministry.

After 4 months of not being in full time church ministry I can say that the stress level in my marriage is at an all time low. The time we are spending together now isn't centered around the church or the issues so-and-so is having. It is about us. Our kids. Our love. Our marriage. As it should be.

Ministry is hard, so is marriage. After 40 years of marriage (this coming January), I've experienced both, but I always felt like if my spouse (and children when they were home) were not my priority, that my main ministry (family) would suffer. It's not easy finding balance, and I am not sure we ever truly achieve perfect balance, but I do believe if we listen daily to God's leadership and continually put family in our hearts and actions, God will honor our leadership.

There are marriages where the husband is not involved in ministry and the wife is (whether because he's a non-believer or just not answering God's call yet). Those marriages have specific challenges. I agree with the writer of the article... it is often less problematic when it is the husband who is a leader in ministry outside the home rather than the wife. The wife can have a pretty godly perspective and balance between God-family-ministry; but if the husband doesn't, the difficulties can look very different than those of the marriages in which both spouses are in ministry.

I think that we have to remember what we were created to do. Praise God, be disciples, be help mates to our husbands and mothers and teachers to our children. We do wear many hats and it can be confusing but fear not, we just need to follow the instructions. God, in his grace and wisdom gave us specific rules on how to prioritize. I am in ministry and I am committed to disciple others, but I also recognize the value that God has placed om my ministering to my husband and children.

If ministry kills marriage, it's not God-honoring --- no matter which partner's squeezing the life out. Just as flight attendants counsel travelers to put on their own oxygen masks first before assisting other passengers, God calls us to healthy personal relationships with him and with our spouses as foundations before we can help others. My own marriage has flourished in part because we realize we need to model for the leaders we lead.

There are countless sermons by well-known pastors from Chuck Swindoll to Chip Ingram who have, in their zeal for God's people, admittedly stumbled --- and thankfully recovered --- in this arena. There's a temptation to neglect and take our spouses for granted while we meet the very real needs of God's people. We're well-reminded that the most pressing need is often the one God's placed in our very own backyards.

Please define "ministry".

my marriage is shaky because i stand for my godly write to endure the test of time its killing me

i am in woman's ministry i lead a bible study my husband is christian he practice when its convenience to him, he has a bad mouth when hes angery how do be help mate to husband like that im in this marriage for 21 years, it hasn't been bad all the time hes a good husband but very angry father to his children nothing they do that pleases him im tired, we fight over the kids alot i dont want my boy's to resent me, he lives a double life i pray for him day and nite for his salvation. we are not talking at this time for 3 weeks weeks because he knows im the christian one i go first to say im sorry, im not going to it hurts to know that i lived with an empty man i raised my kids christian now they want to follow his foot step, why should we do it attitude. i don't know if this is the end of my rob with him thank you for blessing me with this artical

I agree with Glenda. If the ministry - whatever it looks like - hurts the marriage to the point you or your spouse are thinking of getting out, then ministry has probably become the excuse to disengage, disregard, and likely disrespect.
If our spouse is not a priority for us, the marriage is definitely going to suffer and if the marriage suffers the kids will suffer too. Being in ministry and married as well we need to be able to do both: Be the loving and respectful spouse as well as obedient to God's call. Good communication can be THE key to stay connected even if in different worlds.

I thought both the pastor and his or her spouse were called to the ministry. I don't believe G-d would call one and not the other. I am afraid too many who are not called are jumping in the ministry and that while the Bible says we should put aside everything for Him, too many want to live the secular life and the sacrificial life at the same time. It doesn't seem to be working for everyone.

I do want to celebrate those we know in our own churches and the mega-churches too where husband and wife work together and bless us.

Every pastor's spouse is certainly NOT called to "co-pastor" in ministry together. Or should I say the ministries are different, since every Christian is, in fact, a minister in some way or another and in all things that we do unto the Lord?

Every spouse, however, is called to their marriage and has equal responsibility in caring for, nurturing, and paying attention to their first ministry, which should be their home.

I would add that I've been in ministry for seven years and I was married to a man who was not in ministry prior to when I began, and had no call to be. This was good for us because we were able to talk about each others day and there were ingredients in the conversation that reminded me that there is life on the OUTSIDE of the church, too!

It is too easy to get tunnel vision in church, and this was often a sobering reality check for me. Everybody does not think or act like Christians... nor are they obliged to by our United Methodist Book of Discipline!

I was able to share the moments of my day and he did the same, but we weren't hearing the same "stuff" and so it didn't bog us down with repetitive situations (same thing, different person/week) or get redundant, since often times the ministry opportunities come out of the same difficulties and challenges that parishioners face.

My work is interesting and so is his, therefore the sharing wasn't boring or overwhelming to either, because it was different and we were genuinely interested. And I don't know too many other careers/jobs/occupations that require more time and energy than being a pastor, but he had more time/energy to go the extra mile with the children when they were younger so that I could tend to last minute emergencies, evening meetings or events, etc. Now THAT is priceless for any "working mom"! Just remember to always appreciate!

That's just one example of many different scenarios among couples who are "in ministry."

I am in complete agreement with Glenda and Eva, and my heart breaks for Jackie (whom I am praying for right at this moment). Ministry is not a hindrance to the relationship, but it can certainly be a scape goat to other and pre-existing conditions.

If this is the case, I imagine only personal prayer and discernment would shine the light on next steps to take and I bet they can be as different as each marriage is! Some may be as simple as humility, prayer, and counseling. But, if there is no surrender, no willingness, and not enough love (or too much selfishness from one or both party) I imagine there would be a minister that would have to take a step back.

We can have brokenness in us as we pastor. I believe this can actually be helpful in our spiritual lives, as it keeps us close to God and alive in our prayer life.

However, when the brokenness is not in the process of healing in order to bring wholeness to our lives and glory to God (and this makes for some wonderful teaching moments!)but rather begins to break OTHER things ~ it's time to take the boat out of the water, at least for a season. And that is not to sit and feel like a failure. There is "no condemnation for those who are in Christ." But, it is a time to rest deeply in Christ and let the Holy Spirit determine the way back.

i see marriage as another ministry that must not fail, all we have to do is to ask for the grace and wisdom to run both according to His will. 2 peter 1:3. His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness.

Genesis 2:24 says: "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh."

Marriage has been instituted by God, and one's partner is more important that any work that we may have whether it is ministry work or secular work.

This is a season of which I have been dealing with for a while. But I must say, prayer really do change things. When I was first called into ministry, I told my husband(which have not answered the call yet) I knew that god was calling me to preach his word. He told me that he was fine with it. After time passed, we both realized that ministry was more than just preaching his word. This is when the trouble started for us. My husband could not understand why so much time was being taken away from him and the children. Well, ministry is my passion and I had no intentions on stoping, although I did compromise some time with him, I relied on prayer. I prayed day and night as well. I did not take part of my husband foolish arguements because I know that God is not the author of confussion. It seemed as if the harder I prayed for our marriage, the worst things got. I learned that God had to fix my heart before he would attempt to fix the marriage. It's been five years now and I have been through some storms within the marriage that you would not believe. I learned that I had to go through all of it just to get to where we are today. My advice, wives, be still, be quiet, allow God to work on you first, continue to pray, and watch God change your spouse's heart. Prayer still works but we must learn how to wait. Even if it resulted in your spouse leaving, pray until God get the glory.

i just want to say thank you Josefina for praying for me your prayers are answered i just want to say that im not tormented by saying im at the end of my rob with him, what im saying is its hard to live with a man that has poor fatherly skill and wont except his wife's advise,i thank God that i have the lord beside me for 21 years. i love you all you strong Godly woman may the lord bless everyone of you for your loving heart and comments and suggestion for us