Gifted for Leadership: Parting Ways

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August 4, 2010

Parting Ways

by by Natasha Robinson

I have friends all over the world, literally. I separated from Marine Corps active duty in 2008 and was honorably discharged from the reserves this year. Today, my dear friends from the military are populating the entire East Coast, California, Japan, Iraq, and Afghanistan just to name a few locations. Despite these once intimate connections, there have been times when some of the relationships have unexpectedly turned for the worst. I have been left with a frown on my face, a question mark in my head, and a bruise on my heart.

What’s worse is that the church is not exempt from wounding our own warriors. Particularly in women’s ministry, the tragedy can occur by a woman who has been hurt or offended, so she inflicts her pain onto others. Recently, I saw this manifest with the woman leader whose pain makes her territorial, keeping her from allowing anyone else to come in with skills, giftedness, and ideas concerning her ministry.

The reality of these tragedies brought me to the Book of Acts, where I dissected Paul’s relationship with Barnabus. We watched for several chapters as these men encouraged one another, ministered along side each other, traveled together, discipled believers, suffered persecution, and brought many to the knowledge of Christ. As a matter of fact, God set them apart specifically to minister in this capacity (v 13:2). Then BOOM, at the end of Chapter 15 they have a huge disagreement and part ways.

There are a few things that I observed about this disagreement that are critical to understanding the situation:

1. They were both godly people. We know that Paul was God’s chosen man to bring the gospel to the Gentiles. The bible describes Barnabus as, “a good man, full of the Holy Spirit and faith” (v 11:24) and one who brought several people to the Lord. Paul and Barnabus were not only good men; they were strong godly men who had kingdom work as their priority. One did not intend to do the other harm.

2. They were in agreement concerning the issue. Both Paul and Barnabus agreed to visit the churches where they had previously ministered to see how the brothers were doing. Their desire and focus were exactly the same.

3. The division was a result of “how” to go about accomplishing the mission at hand. Isn’t that often the case? We may all agree about what to do, but not how to do it. Barnabus wanted to take John; Paul wanted to take Silas. As far as we know in the Scripture, this was certainly the end of their ministry together, and might have even been the end of their relationship.

There is wisdom in these short passages concerning our friendships:

1. It is important to discern the healthiness of a relationship, and whether or not God is drawing it to a close. I have heard it said that we get into trouble when trying to turn “seasonal” people into life-long partnerships. In other words, God places certain people in your life for a season (it may be a short or lengthy period of time); however, it was not God’s intention for the relationship to be a long-term or permanent one. Yet, because we love a person, have become attached, and value the relationship, we do not want to let go, even when it is clear that we should do so.

In different situation, a friend may simply be disagreeable. We are called to live in peace with each other, and if that is not possible, we may have a good cause to part ways.

2. If you must part ways with a friend, do not sin in your anger. This is a tough one because we all have a strong desire to be vindicated. Yet, we are emotional people and sometimes can become bitter, yield to the desire to tell our side of the story, and thereby cause division among friends. We do not have evidence that Barnabus or Paul did those things. I think that Paul could not have ministered as effectively as he did after this disagreement, had he harbored bitterness and resentment in his heart against Barnabus. When placed in a disbanding situation with a friend, I encourage you to speak the truth in love, then remain silent concerning the issue or only speak words that will uplift your friend, and finally, make a clean break.

It is tough to follow these lessons because a period of grieving is sure to follow if you make the tough decision to part ways. Unfortunately, these lessons could also result in rumors and untruths circulating about you. However, take comfort in knowing that if your friend meant evil against you, God will know it. If you have done the right thing, God will know that too.

Have you experienced a significant loss of a friendship, and wondered to yourself, What happened?

Comments

Yes, I have. I would add to your post the concept in John of "pruning." Sometimes God prunes friendships that are not bearing good fruit. I have had several friendships end, and at the time that was so painful. But now I see that God pruned these to create space for new ministry and new opportunities. Sometimes women become enmeshed or codependent. If a friendship doesn't bear "good fruit," it's time to prune.

I've often thought of this same passage when it came to ministry decisions, and I love how you hone it down to a few principles that are applicable to the ministry context. Way to go Natasha!

As a teacher in conflict resolution I often cover how minor conflicts are difficult to overcome and clearly always have been. Clear communication and a willingness for one party to make an honest attempt and seeing the issue from the other parties point of view tends to have a positive impact. This has shed some light on how simple something may sound can still be so complex. Thanks Natasha!

This article "hit home" in a BIG way. The only difference is...the friend is a dear family member. I never considered it okay to let go of a family member, even if the relationship is toxic. However, I have been more and more at peace each day without the constant negative/verbal abuse this person brought into my life. Like your article stated, I have to deal with this individual attacking my character and turning other members of the family against me. This is very difficult and I wanted to act on my behalf, at least tell my side of the story (the truth)! Well, I have decided to remain silent because of your article. I will be still and listen to what God has to say and let Him handle this battle. Pruning can be difficult but sometimes a necessary pain.

I have been in a similar situation where a friendship was lost quite suddenly and surprisingly, and when I reflect now, I understand the friend was going through a period in her life where no matter what I would have done, it would not have been enough due to past, deep-rooted hurts committed by family and other friends. I am thankful for the fond memories of the past, but am equally grateful for the separation. Thank God for our seasonal relationships, as well as the lifelong friendships He provides!

This really speaks to the heart of matters for woman. Thank you Natasha for bringing light to this topic. i agree how as woman we let our emotions and felling run us off course. I have experienced how conflicts in our family have affected generations due to a falling out between family matters. We miss you but you go girl! Karen

Wow! I was just reading this passage this morning and meditating on the relationship between Paul and Barnabas. I really don't think it turned out negatively for either men because later in 2 Timothy 4: 11 (NKJV), Paul asks for [John] Mark to come to him because he (Paul) says: "... he is useful to me for ministry."

The disagreement between Paul and Barnabas did some good things. It matured John Mark; and while we don't hear about Barnabas again, I offer to you and would like to surmise that Paul did come around to seeing Barnabas' point of view concerning John Mark... and the work of God never stopped in the lives of the two men (...and later three men).

We must remember that the Lord set aside both Paul and Barnabas for a specific work to northern territories, however Paul was the one whom God called to preach to the Gentiles. He had God's mandate and mantle upon him so the scriptures focus on him as opposed to Barnabas.

God is glorified when we submit our relationships to Him even to the point of the death of these relationships (long-term or seasonal). God matures us through separation, parting and death of human relationships because it is His will we delight to do, not ours; and His relationship we desire have above all else. Right?!

Yes, I have experienced a loss of several close friendships. While mourning these relationships was difficult, I have learned a great deal about myself and others throughout this process.

The most profound thing that I have read (other than Bible) was published by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend in "How People Grow: What the Bible Reveals about Personal Growth." In this book, they state that God is the source of everything in life and that to be independent of the source equates to choosing death. Death in your finances. Death in your career. Death in your marriage. Death in your relationships.

Regrettably, in my past, I was independent of the source. I separated my spiritual life from my "real" life. The fruit of attempting to live a life apart from God was death in all of the aforementioned categories, most notably, my relationships with dear friends.

Since I was completely dependent upon myself and lived in the land of relativity, I was unable to see how each relationship was God's way of challenging me to grow spiritually.

Arlette, I love your comment, "God is glorified when we submit our relationships to Him." This is a quiet, yet very powerful truth that we should constantly revisit. I am praying for all of the relationships here. Love and Blessings, Natasha

I found this quite interesting as in this season of my life I have been attempting to reconnect with various people through an Internet social networking site. Your comment about "seasonal" friendships/relationships really resonated with me, particularly as I've realized I look at these old contacts through a prism of many years ago. I do have one question, though - how do we really know that it's God who "causes" someone to simply drop out of our life?

To Lucie:

Lucie, two things: if you submit, give over any relationship you have to God, He will indeed direct the course of it, because you have given it over to Him...AND you trust Him.

Secondly: If you are uncertain about the demise of any relationship you have had, ask God to reveal what happened (be ready to hear) and what He wants you to do to move forward. He'll gladly tell you. He'll start from His word. I guarantee it!

Blessings to you In Jesus' Name!

I have lost some deep friendships and I thought my heart would break in the losing of them, but ultimately I came to see how much I needed them to be eradicated from my life. When you grow together for a while, you think it will be that way forever, but sometimes one person keeps growing and the other does not and ultimately, a choice has to be made. It's almost as though, in coming into a new season of faith and authority, some people have to be shed. That sounds harsh but it isn't. Often they know it themselves and make a choice to make the break.It's hard on a friendship when one goes on and one does not. Choices are made in the depths of hearts which are not immediately visible but what is done in the dark is ultimately shouted from the roof tops.

I've asked God to choose my friendships and He's doing a better job than i did. As your ministry increases, often your old friends can't come with you. Maybe they get caught in resentment or anger over this, maybe they just get bored with you because you're different to what you used to be, but one way or another, if you commit your way to the Lord, He will carry you through these times. In the end, it works for the good.

the letting go and submitting friendship/family relationships to our omniscient heavenly Father is the wisest thing on hindsight though bewildering and sometimes painful at point of parting; BUT he faithfully but surely guides towards knowing how to discern between seasonal or longterm: reading this helps tremendously in resting in the assurance of His higher ways and purposes; thanks natasha, and above all thanks and honour be to our loving Lord God Almighty, jesus christ who makes all things possible, and His Holy Spirit our counsellor and comforter

This article is so surreal to me. I have recently been struggling with my relatinonship with my friends. These are friends that I have had from high school up to now. We have at some point in our lives parted and gone our seperate ways. But now that we are older and live closer to each other again we get to see one another a bit often. What I have notice is that we are all set in our particular ways. And sometimes it hard to tell a friend no and its hard for them to except no from you--among other things. These circumstance has caused me to belive that I may need to limit my connection to a certain degree(not end our friendship).
I have come to realize in my older age that keeping a healthy friendship is not easy. I thank God for my friends and I pray that we can understand each other differences. Thanks Tasha for being so in touch with such an important subject.
Love ya
Una

Thank you for shedding the light on this subject. I have a friend that is my pastor. The thing about this is that we were friends before she became my pastor. The Lord spoke into her heart and told her to start the ministry. At first, it was hard for me to seperate ministry from friendship. God began to put us in difficult situation which caused a few storms in our friendship. After these storms occured, seperation of friendship became more frequent. At the same time, we remained socialable because of the ministry, but things were not the same. God eventually began to speak into my spirit the reason he allowed it. We were so close to each other until we actually depended on one another. God wanted us to depend on him,not on each other. Ministry was growing on the inside of me very rapidly and I need to totally depend on God. We are still good friends and she is still my pastor. I have learned through this experience to depend on no one but the Lord. this has blessed my life, my relationship with others, but most of all, my walk with God.

Natasha, this is so needed in long time ministry! Great honest thoughts and the reference to scripture is what we need! :o) Thanks!

I have experienced the loss of a close friend after 20+ years of friendship. It came as a result of misunderstanding as I shared some of my frustrations regarding our relationship. While I was initially hurt when I realized she was no longer speaking to me, I made the last call, tried to clear the air and afterwards thought that I would leave the future of the relationship in God's hands. We have not spoken since, but I did clear the air. I think it was just time for us to part ways, particularly since I felt like I had been getting the short end of the stick in the relationship. This individual, though nice, was seemingly self-absorbed and I found most of our conversations centering around her and her issues. Very one-sided, but I learned over the course of a couple of years, how to stand up and speak my mind. You don't want to hurt a person, but if you're being hurt in the process, you need to say something and that may result in a loss rather than a win. But, in a way, you do win if you learn to maturely deal with that which you would have let go to continue causing harm.

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