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December 8, 2010

The Delicate Balance Between Head and Heart, Part I

by by Sharon Hodde Miller

It all began with a seemingly innocent question: “Does anyone have any prayer requests?”

An hour later, the prayer requests were still going strong.

For many women’s small groups, this is a common occurrence. Prayer requests and even Bible study time can often turn into long-running therapy sessions in which women unload the anxieties and worries of their weeks onto a sympathetic group of listening ears.

While this is certainly a healthy function of a body of Christian believers, it becomes problematic when it dominates the small group’s time. I was once a part of a small group in which we tried multiple strategies for reining in the long-winded sharers. We tried shifting our prayer request time to the beginning of the meeting, and we put time limits on how long people could share. Neither of these strategies really worked, and they instead left us feeling altogether disingenuous. Cutting people off while they were crying about marital problems or their sick Aunt Melba didn’t exactly foster openness and authentic fellowship. So the problem continued.

After a while, this aspect of women’s small groups has gotten under my skin.

There’s a part of me (the bad Christian, nothing-like-Jesus part) that wants to stop some of these women mid-sentence and say, “If you need this much time to vent each week, hire a therapist!” However, there’s actually a scientific reason why emotion runs so high at women’s small groups—we have a physiological need for it.

Studies show that this type of female bonding affects women in measurable, physical ways. An article featured at Psychologytoday.com titled “Grateful Girlfriends Are the Best Stress Relievers” explains,

“When women are stressed, the hormone oxytocin [known as the "love" hormone] is released as part of the stress response; it buffers the typically male "fight or flight" stress response. Oxytocin production encourages women to gather and gab with other women-and when a woman does bond with her pals, studies indicate she'll release more oxytocin, which further alleviates stress and creates tranquility.”

In other words, women need this kind of interaction in a deeply physical and emotional way. In fact, God created us this way! It is a natural and healthy way of de-stressing. And that is why prayer requests or discussions about the Bible can often stray off into a kind of spiritual support group. Women are emotional creatures, so we need an environment to let those emotions out. Women’s small groups provide such an environment.

However, as a result of feeding into this need for emotional catharsis, many women’s small groups can easily get derailed. It’s not that taking the time to care for one another is wrong, or that venting sessions are somehow unproductive. On the contrary, women need female friends to support them and encourage them when times are hard. But, women must be wary of letting their emotions take the lead. Emotions are not always based on truth, so without an anchor to rein in the fears and worries being voiced they can consume the entire group’s time and attention.

A friend of mine recently shared with me her own small group’s struggle with bitterness. They were studying 1 Corinthians, but each week the conversation somehow deteriorated into complaining about their church. After awhile, this complaining became a kind of default mode, a rut in which the Bible study was lodged. The women fed on one another, the complaining continued, and they didn’t learn from it or grow out of it.

In light of the often high-running emotions of a women’s small group, how do we hold them in check? How can a leader strike a balance between saturating women with the truth of God’s Word, but also providing them with the emotional support they need?

Next week I’ll offer some suggestions of my own, but before then, I’d love to hear yours!

Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on December 8, 2010 7:10 PM

Comments

The agenda of the meeting should be clearly spelt out. Other fora for prayer should be encouraged with prayer partners so that secrets are not blown open in emotional outbursts and time is not wasted. When it just happens, let compassion be shown. You can't be a successful woman leader if you don't have time for long expressions like that but you can curtail it. Jesus gave more time to talks with women.Women all over the world bear an unfair share of emotional burdens, they should be encouraged to sit back and enjoy life. Cheers.

Posted By: Adenike | December 9, 2010 9:00 AM

We have ladies night out once a month where our small group goes out to a restaurant just to chat instead of studying God's word that week. This helps us! And the issue of complaining is so hard. That makes the environment toxic, so we try to help each other see the "flair" in our circumstances.

Posted By: LivewithFlair | December 9, 2010 10:39 AM

I think part of the trouble is that we women often keep all of our anxieties/troubles/worries/fears/problems inside and then when there IS a clear opportunity to let them out we explode. Part of remaining healthy as a woman, a child of God, and an emotional and spiritual being is to express those things when necessary, but not always to others. We can journal, we can pray, we can jog or walk or run. We can go to counseling or spiritual direction. We can meet with a pastor. We can paint or draw or cook or bake.

When things do need to be expressed, most of us (me included, from time to time!) could benefit from working on being active rather than passive. Let's talk to that church leader who we are having problems with - rather than spreading a rumor. Let's work through a tough issue with a friend over coffee and be honest about the problems we've had with how he's handled things.

Then, by the time Bible study rolls around, maybe we can have some positive fellowship and care for those among us who are in deep crisis (dissolution of marriage, death in the family, etc.) rather than kvetch about the small things.

I'm preaching to myself here, too...

Posted By: Gluten Free Jesus Freak | December 11, 2010 3:53 PM

One thing that helps sometimes is offering to pray at that specific moment for the concern. This helps bring the conversation to a close and also expresses how much we really care about the concern since it is God who can help and heal.

Of course the leader has to be wise about how and when to do this, but I've found it to be powerful to express/lift up the emotion directly to the Lord instead of just as conversation.

Posted By: Carrie | December 12, 2010 8:43 PM

I really appreciate group leaders who are able to bring a passage (the current one being studied or others) in application to the issue being expressed. Like with the example given of the study through 1 Corinthians becoming a gripe fest... The best group leader I've seen would have allowed/guided the venting to uncover the root issue, and then brought up a verse with the question, "How does this verse apply to the situation?" or "What does this say about how we should handle this problem?"

I think this approach not only allows women the freedom to vent - but also brings them face-to-face in the study of Scripture with God-honoring ways to deal with the problem. It turns the venting and emotional release into something even more positive... learning and growing group members.

Posted By: Sarah | December 13, 2010 1:28 AM

Sounds like a need for a new group to start up, one for just venting and support/prayer. This group would need to be monitored to lead women to growth and clarity so as not to get in the rut of just complaining and validating negative feelings. At the beginning of study groups pray for a word from the Spirit to help with issues, pray for open ears and an open heart to hear the person, the guidance for growth in scripture. Perhaps the support group should be held a day or 2 before the study group, this way all venting and relief is in place and no distractions for study.

Posted By: Dorothy | December 13, 2010 6:34 AM

It sounds like the prayer requests once spoken are pouring over into a testimony. IMO, keep the prayer request at the beginning, keep reminding the members to be mindful of others who have a prayer request… Remind members that for the sake of time, to please try to keep the requests brief, try to refrain from in-depth details as to allow everyone who would like to get a prayer request in, the opportunity. When asked if anyone has a prayer request, please stand? If only two or three stand at the time of the request, of course, moderate from the first to the last to stand. But sometimes, people decide to stand while prayer request are going forward. As people stand during that time, before acknowledging the next person, inform the group, who the last request will be taken by. This should signal to the group that no more outspoken prayer request will be taken. However, before going into prayer, ask, “Are there any unspoken requests? Please signal, by the elevation of your hands?” Of course, some may raise their hands. And that is okay. I know it’s difficult, and you want to give honor to God; by allowing people to turn their burdens over to Him, but the moderator, with compassion, has to moderate. The goal is to get as many as possible acknowledged; but stay on track for the primary purpose. God is a discerner of our thoughts and hearts; so to Him no request goes unspoken. Amen.

This has always worked at my church and to my knowledge there haven’t been any complaints. It also sound like there needs to be a separate women’s group just for venting and giving it over to Jesus.

Posted By: Yvonne | December 13, 2010 11:38 AM

Setting boundaries at the beginning of a study is important. Do you want the study to be a place to share intimate details? If the study groups are larger could groups of 2-4 women meet monthly to discuss what is happening in their lives? Maybe even breaking off into prayer partners the last 20 minutes of the study to discuss events occurring in the lives of the other, what God's Word says to do in those occasions, and to pray over one another. If there is no time during the study a once a week prayer call to a partner in your large group is great too! Still I believe goals are important to the meeting or call...share life, search God's Word to think about how it shines light in our life -allowing us to set our mind on the Kingdom versus circumstance, and then pray for God's Word to take root in how we live out our life. :) He reigns eternally, circumstances are temporary. God bless!

Posted By: Josie | December 13, 2010 11:55 AM

Each woman in our study writes a prayer request on a 3x5 card at the beginning of our study time. We then break into groups of 2-3 women to trade cards and then pray for what's on the card. These cards are then taken home by one of the women in our group and a list is made that is then emailed to the entire group to look over and pray for that week. This allows each woman to request something to be prayed but keeps the time focused on praying for it and not just talking about it.

Posted By: Becky | December 13, 2010 3:55 PM

BTDT. I think these situations need strong but tactful leadership. Perhaps remind the person that God already knows all the details of the situation, particularly if it is the same person sharing the same thing week after week (after week...)

What about moving the "sharing time" to the end, so that those who have other commitments can leave ?

I did this a few years back where a member of the team started using Sunday School planning meetings as therapy sessions. I got more assertive about the agenda, and about asking her to keep it for the end when 1 or 2 of us stayed back to pray with her. It helped. A bit.

Posted By: Alison | December 14, 2010 4:22 AM

My small group/Bible study (which is co-ed) realized in the past year that our prayer requests/accountability were taking up the lion's share of time in our meetings, leaving very little room for actual study. And not running late is important for our group, as it falls on a weeknight and people have to get to bed for early-morning commitments the next day, get home to their children, etc. For the new year, we are experimenting with a new model: let's say the month has four weeks in it. Three weeks are spent with the group split into two, going over prayer requests and study separately (less people per group = less prayer time = more study time). The last week of the month, the group comes together and all we do that night is pray together. We still eat all together every week before splitting up. So far, it's working out really well.

Posted By: elly | January 3, 2011 1:16 PM

I have also experienced and participated in hijacked small groups/prayer groups. "Venting" as therapy reminds me a little of the idea we used to think worked in psych situations-pounding a punching bag, destroying something,as a way to get rid of anger. Except it didn't. I think that we as women can excuse ourselves as needing to vent, when it is really complaining and allowing us to focus on unhealthy subjects. I am not immune to that. If we look at the Israelites in the Old Testament, the sin that seemed to steam God the most was grumbling and complaining. Ouch. I have found that in my life if I concentrate on thanking God for everything I can think of on a consistent basis, it makes a difference in my whole attitude and really does make a difference. Like, waking up achy, thank God you woke up. Or, have a rude husband, thank God you have one, and look for the things you can thank God about for him. My husband improved a lot after I determined to not say one bad thing about him for a month. Sadly, I fall down on that a lot, but he sure did better that one month.

So, I wouldn't advise a separate venting group. Better, a prayer group that would discipline themselves for awhile to only thank God for the blessings in their lives. No other prayer requests. I am truly not trying to sound like I have it together at all. I simply have had too much experience in my own life that showed me my complaining compounded my problem and added misery. My life works best when I can avoid venting if possible.

Posted By: Sonja Vanne | March 20, 2011 11:03 PM

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