Harnessing Our Humanity

Using your weaknesses to be a better leader.

Have you ever led a small group in which the following type of scenario took place?

You’re excited because you invited a new person to your small group—perhaps a young co-worker or a student you met on campus—and this person is not a believer. He or she lives with their boyfriend or girlfriend and is very much immersed in the secular world, but you’ve had some promising conversations with them lately, and they’re definitely curious.

The small group time goes smoothly—lots of interesting conversation, and the new person is welcomed by the group. You feel encouraged and exhilarated! Then comes the prayer request time. A member of the group begins to share about their dating relationship and confesses the need for prayer and accountability with sexual purity. They explain, “We just keep going too far and I feel convicted about it. We haven’t had sex or anything (spoken with a worst-case-scenario kind of tone), but we are really struggling.”

And with that comment, you immediately cringe. Unintentionally, the speaker just qualified their sin as being less severe as others. While the group member acknowledges that their sin is wrong, they’ve implied that it’s nowhere near as bad as some people’s—such as the new person sitting right next to you.

Redeeming failures
As a small group leader for college women, this happened to me many times. Numerous well-intentioned young ladies voiced their prayer requests in ways that not only condemned those struggling with “worse” sins, but made me feel a little unqualified to be their leader. While I commend these women for opening up, they simultaneously condemned every woman in the room who has ever done anything worse. To begin a confession with a tone that says, “I’m not as bad as that, but. . . ” is a sure-fire way to stifle vulnerability in a small group.

These experiences have, however, had a significant impact on my leadership style. The way we talk about sin can either empower or condemn those around us. That said, I have spent the last several years learning to harness my identity as a sinner, seeing it as a kind of strength rather than hiding it as a weakness. By this I don’t mean glamorizing my past mistakes or diving into details that no one wants to hear. But I’m not sweeping them under the rug either. In the service of a redeemer God, there is opportunity for grace in a history of brokenness.

What does this look like practically speaking? First, it means reframing the way we talk about sin, and that often involves swallowing our pride. There’s a temptation to feel that because you are the small group leader, you must somehow be spiritually and morally ahead of the people you’re leading. While this is true to an extent—you should not be leading if you’re caught in the throes of unrepentant sin—it doesn’t mean you must be without fault either. When we feel the need to stand over those we are leading, we have a tendency to cushion our confessions with disclaimers, watering down our past and present mistakes as much as possible. When I do this, the only person I help is me.

When I am honest about my past mistakes, I do so for the sake of inspiring hope, but I also do so to ensure that the glory goes to God and not me. While I have indeed fallen, God has picked me back up and clearly uses me now. My life is a story of redemption, yet I downplay the extent of God’s power and grace in my life when I downplay my sin.

While it’s certainly not necessary that I publicly berate myself to glorify God, when I pad my sins or explain them away, I present a picture of a God who only uses the spiritual cream of the crop. That is not the message I want my small group to receive. I want them to know that I am no one special. I’m not their small group leader because I am somehow a better Christian than they are. What God has done in me, He can certainly do in them, and they can see this truth most clearly in the context of my own weakness.

Sharing life lessons
In addition to harnessing my humanity for the sake of establishing common ground with my small group and empowering them to persevere, there is a second way that I have learned to lead out of my weaknesses. Each week as I prepare, I intentionally incorporate my doubts, confusions and shortcomings into the lesson plan.

For instance, if I am teaching through a difficult passage that I struggle to live out or that I want to disagree with, I am honest about it. If I struggle to believe it, if I doubt the truth or trustworthiness of anything in Scripture, I confess those doubts. Again, this requires that I swallow my pride and step out on a limb—there have been times when I was sure that I was alone in a particular doubt or struggle. But 9 times out of 10, I was not. Sometimes it took a minute or two for others to come forward—l have endured more than a few moments of awkward silence as I sat hoping that someone would relate!—but almost without fail I ended up voicing the fears and doubts that other Christians were too ashamed to admit. This is the work of a leader.

Returning to the opening scenario, I once responded to this situation by confessing my own struggles with sexual purity, echoing sentiments about how hard it can be. I recalled the mistakes I had made in the past, but instead of dwelling on the guilt I focused on what I learned from the experiences. The Christian life did not come easily to me, so I expressed my need for accountability, friendship and prayer. In admitting my weaknesses and then moving toward a note of hope, I wanted our visitor to witness a group of messed up sinners who would have been completely lost without the grace of God. It wasn’t that we were naturally virtuous or stick-in-the-mud prudes, but we were all learning to run a race in a world full of obstacles—some of which we had tripped over more than once.

When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable in this regard, when we lay down our pride and our need to be admired, we protect our small group members from isolation and defeat. Paul instructed the Corinthians that “no temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man,” (1 Cor. 10:13) so we should be honest about this spiritual truth. By establishing common ground with one another, we are able to see the redemptive work in those around us, and then embrace that redemption for ourselves.

How about you? In what ways have you found strength in your leadership by harnessing your weaknesses?

Sharon Hodde Miller lives outside Chicago with her husband where she is currently pursuing a PhD in Educational Studies at Trinity Evangelical Divinity School. You can read more of her writing at sheworships.com.

Multi-Tasking God

The quick way to ruin your leadership

This week I received an email that began, “I know you must be crazy with Holy Week....” The writer, of course, was referring to the phenomenon of church leaders fried by the frenzied business of leading a church during Easter. But the phrase stayed near to me, even as I succumbed to the relentless demands I impose on myself that insist I must do it right—especially this week.

Perhaps if Holy Week was the only week of the year where I allowed this to happen, I’d be okay. But the sad reality is that I’ve been living out of my own strength for the past several weeks. So when asked if I’m crazy with Holy Week, my honest answer is, “No, I’m crazy with life.” I’m crazy with the demands of my family, my side projects, and my ministry. I’m crazy with the ebb and flow of people’s whims and needs that is inherent in leadership. But I’m mostly crazy because I’ve let those things edge out my intentional, quiet, set-apart time with God.

Every one of us has read about it and probably advised others against it. But when your business is the God business, it’s deceptively simple to multi-task God—to call prayers on the run, or teaching prep time, or conversations with other leaders “God time.” And yet I needed to reap the dried-up, rotten fruit of it myself to really know how impossible it is to lead well without it. Having become aware of my mistake, here’s what I’m doing to get back on track with intentional God time:

Acknowledge that it’s not about time. Most leaders are leaders because they are capable, called and confident. They can solve problems; they can multitask; they can find creative solutions to myriad obstacles. If I can discipline myself to handle multiple people and projects while raising children, I can discipline myself to spend intentional time with God. If I can spend time on Facebook, in front of the TV, putting on makeup or even checking email, then I can find time with God—but I must make the time. If there is anything that won’t just “happen,” it’s intentional time with God. I need to make it a priority, or it doesn’t happen.

Confess. A week ago I sat with a fellow leader. I confessed how easy it is for me to encourage others in their time with the Lord and never actually say how I’m doing with it. Even as the words came out of my mouth I realized I was avoiding the opportunity to get honest! I turned to my friend and said, “I’m not spending time with God like I need to. It’s affecting the way I do ministry.” Speaking the truth hurt, but in the presence of a safe friend it brought to light what I was trying to hide in the shadows.

Get Specific. A week passed and I still didn’t really do anything about my lack of God time. I kept moving at breakneck speed, hurtling myself into Holy Week while continuing to fray at my soul seams. I was impatient at home, sharp at work and lackluster in my creativity and ideas—places where I usually excel. And still I did nothing about finding time with God. Finally, at the end of myself, I had another honest conversation with a friend. This time, the conversation ended with a specific plan, that we would both commit to spending an hour a day in intentional rest with God to hear and receive from Him—and that we would report back to one another in a week’s time. Like a workout partner, the accountability and specificity will be enough to draw me right back where I need to be, earnestly seeking God with an undivided heart—and letting the rest of my leadership flow from there.

Have you ever struggled to set apart time with God? What specific ways to do you create space for him?

Nicole Unice has decided to accept her status as a wrestler with God. Between raising her kids and working in Family and Student Ministry at Hope Church in Richmond, VA, Nicole likes to write and teach on the intersection of God's word and modern life. Her first book, The Divine Pursuit, A Study of Jonah, released in Fall 2010. You can find her blogging at The Stubborn Servant.

Chasing after Glory

It’s not about me.

Eleven months ago I stepped out of full-time ministry to give birth to my first child. After working for nine years as a pastor and one year as a hospital chaplain, I knew the transition from ministry to motherhood would be stretching; but I had no idea how stretching.

In place of writing sermons, I now change diapers. In exchange for developing and implementing new programs, I now help my son build towers out of wooden blocks. Instead of poring over commentary by Barth and Calvin, I now read Dr. Seuss. My presence is no longer needed at 8 a.m. staff meetings, but I am now required to show up for all 3 a.m. feedings. Needless to say, life is no longer about me! But, my son’s presence has encouraged me to reconsider the fact that perhaps God never intended my life to be about me to begin with.

Whether we like to admit it or not, using our gifts in ministry leadership feels good. We love to receive good feedback about our sermons, congratulations for a program that flourishes, or thanks from those around us who are blessed by our leadership. And, there is nothing wrong with enjoying what we do, or even accepting gracious compliments about our work; but, leaders must never forget that WE are not the object of our leadership. In other words, we must never lead with our glory in mind.

But, keeping the focus on God as we lead is easier said than done. To do this, we must make a concerted effort to consider whose kingdom (God’s or our own) we are actually working to build as we put together strategic plans and goals for the future. Choose to spend less energy mulling over people’s opinions about us (or our leadership), and more time focusing our efforts on helping those same people better understand Christ’s all-consuming love for them. Be quick to praise and encourage others for the way we see Christ at work in them, as opposed to quietly complaining that we don’t get enough recognition ourselves. Refuse to neglect time with the Lord, even when our schedules are packed. And in my current stage of life, it means choosing to love and serve my son, no matter how foul his mood or how little he tangibly gives back to me.

Matthew 20:28 reminds me that Christ did not come to be served, but to serve and to give up his life! If Jesus (God in flesh) was willing to say “It’s not about me,” how can I refuse to at least work towards saying the same? I certainly don’t have this figured out, but the presence of my precious son has urged me to once again ask some important questions; and to consider, all over again, whose glory I am really chasing after.

Rev. Sara Bentley is currently a stay-at-home Mom. Before the birth of her first child Sara worked as a chaplain at Alvin C. York Hospital, Murfreesboro, TN. Prior to chaplaincy, Sara served for nine years as a pastor in the local church. Sara has a BS in Biological Sciences from the University of California Davis and a M.Div from Fuller Theological Seminary. Sara currently lives in Boone, NC with her husband, Jeremy, and 14-month-old son, Dylan.

"What You Are Doing Is Not Good"

What Moses and I had to learn.

“What you are doing is not good.”

Has anyone ever said that to you?

For a performance-based, people-pleaser like me, those words were painful to hear—even though they were told in love—because they were true.

Now I know how Moses must have felt when Jethro, his father-in-law, said these same words upon evaluating his leadership. Here’s how their conversation went:

The next day Moses took his seat to serve as judge for the people, and they stood around him from morning till evening. When his father-in-law saw all that Moses was doing for the people, he said, “What is this you are doing for the people? Why do you alone sit as judge, while all these people stand around you from morning till evening?”

Moses answered him, “Because the people come to me to seek God’s will. Whenever they have a dispute, it is brought to me, and I decide between the parties and inform them of God’s decrees and instructions.”

Moses’ father-in-law replied, “What you are doing is not good. You and these people who come to you will only wear yourselves out. The work is too heavy for you; you cannot handle it alone.” Exodus 18:13-18 (NIV)

This conversation sounds suspiciously similar to the one I had recently with Pete Wilson, the lead pastor of my church. Quick growth and multiplying campuses put me in a situation where I was directly managing 11 other staff members. Unfortunately, like Moses, I was trying to lead and manage everything, and in the process I had become worn out and frustrated with everyone.

Pete reined me in: “What you are doing is not good," he gently pointed out. Not only was it not good for me, it wasn't healthy for our team and for the health of the church. We had to make changes.

In the weeks that followed, we reorganized our staff and reduced my direct reports from 11 to 5 and empowered those leaders with more authority. In addition, we've taken some concerted steps to develop a leadership pipeline for our entire organization—from first-time volunteers to senior leadership—that allows training and development for every level of the organization.

It’s easy to overextend ourselves like Moses did. When Jethro asked Moses why he was doing too much, Moses explained: “Because the people come to me to seek God’s will.”

Isn’t that why we all do what we do? We want to lead others in God’s will. But we can't do it alone.

Moses had the benefit of the wise counsel of his father-in-law to give him a wake-up call before it was too late. Unfortunately we don’t all have this wisdom spoken into our leadership soon enough.

As leaders we have to resist the temptation to be the hero and handle it all ourselves. It’s critical to reevaluate your leadership structure at least once a year. Are you trying to manage too much? How can you develop more leaders? Who can you entrust with more?

Jethro gives Moses some great counsel on how to train and develop leaders:

But select capable men from all the people—men who fear God, trustworthy men who hate dishonest gain—and appoint them as officials over thousands, hundreds, fifties and tens. Have them serve as judges for the people at all times, but have them bring every difficult case to you; the simple cases they can decide themselves. That will make your load lighter, because they will share it with you. If you do this and God so commands, you will be able to stand the strain, and all these people will go home satisfied.” (italics mine) Exodus 18:21-23

Did you notice that caveat at the end: “If you do this and God so commands, you will be able to stand the strain.” Ministry leadership is tough. There is no guarantee that the stress and strain will go away, but this passage makes it clear that there are some things that we should do to develop others and spread the leadership responsibility out to our team of capable men and women.

Let me encourage you to consider how this applies to your circumstance. What about what you are doing is not good? Don’t allow unhealthy structure to get so out of control that you’ve exhausted yourself and frustrated everyone around you. You’re a better leader than that!

Jenni Catron serves as the Executive Director of Cross Point Church in Nashville, TN. She loves a fabulous cup of tea, great books, learning the game of tennis and hanging out with her husband and border collie. Jenni's passion is to lead well and to inspire, equip and encourage other women to do the same. That passion drove Jenni to start the women's leadership community, Cultivate Her. Jenni blogs there and at www.jennicatron.tv.

How to Let Your Yes Be Yes, and Your No, No

What trimming, timing, and training have to do with it.

When I was a young, single Christian woman, I was completely engulfed in ministry, living 1 Corinthians 7:34a to the fullest--“In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit.” I split my time between evangelism outreach, gospel choir, tutoring, nonprofit chaplaincy, and other volunteer work.

This level of involvement worked great during that phase of my life. The problem is I didn’t properly reassess my commitments after I got married. I ignored Part B of the verse: “…But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband.” I ran on overdrive and felt it was my Christian duty to say yes whenever someone in the church requested something of me. I was on the way to burn-out, which is the inevitable result of over-commitment, lack of focus, and lack of wisdom.

God has created each of us to be uniquely gifted and talented. Nobody else can do what I do in the exact way that I do it, and the same applies to you. Likewise, none of us can exercise all of our skills effectively at the same time. In any season of life, God may call us to focus on specific areas of ministry or giftedness. If we are obedient to his leading, this may require that we say no to other areas of interest.

The problem is, no rarely makes the recipient happy. And yet Jesus instructs us, “Just say a simple, ‘Yes, I will,’ or ‘No, I won’t.’ Anything beyond this is from the evil one.” (Matthew 5:37) Although it took some time to learn, I now trust in the power of a simple no. And now, once I’ve made the decision not to say yes to something, I decline the offer graciously, and I don’t try to justify my answer. When I used to try to explain my no, it simply empowered the recipient to negotiate with me. So take authority of your no with love and confidence, and render it with compassion and respect.

Also, I realize now, when I say no to one thing, I’m saying yes to something else. When I take on tasks out of compulsion or because I think it’s what I ought to be doing, I may be missing God’s opportunity to make a unique contribution to his Kingdom, and I may be robbing someone else of the chance to serve him.
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Here are some ways to discern if, when and how to let your yes be yes, and your no, no:

• Be willing to trim. Ask God about where you may need to prune or prioritize.
• Pay attention to timing. Know that just because he has gifted you in a particular area does not mean that you should always function in that capacity.
• Recognize that others may need training. Understand that just because someone asks you to do something does not mean that you have to do it. Oftentimes, the same people frequently get asked to serve because other leaders know that you are competent and will get the job done. On the other hand, you may simply be an escape to avoid their challenge of reaching out, taking a risk, and training others.

What are ways you’ve overcome a tendency to say yes to too many things? How have you learned to identify what to say yes to and what not?

Natasha Robinson is a graduate of the United States Naval Academy (2002). She served six years active duty as an officer in the U.S. Marine Corps. Currently, she serves as Co-Director of the Women’s Mentoring Ministry at Cornerstone Baptist Church in Greensboro, NC. She is also a full-time student at Gordon Conwell Theological Seminary, and a wife and mother. Check out her blog, A Sista's Journey.

Harnessing Our Humanity

Multi-Tasking God

Chasing after Glory

"What You Are Doing Is Not Good"