I Was a Reverse Discriminator

My gender-based policy revealed my spirit of fear

It would take a lot for me to change my mind about allowing men to be alone with my children.

Seven years counseling women recovering from all kinds of horrors experienced at the hands of men, a season that coincided with my first seven years of motherhood, instilled in me a firm belief that men should not be caregivers for kids. At least not for mine.

Yet this month, for the first time ever, I hired a male babysitter.

In years past, not leaving my children with a man seemed like a no-brainer: Most sex abusers are men, so I figured if I never left my kids alone with one, then the odds of victimization would go down. Easy enough.

But in this new season of ministry I'm in, my fears, which I previously called "common sense," have been challenged by the warm, fun-loving way so many of the young men in my church community care for my children.

One of these men recently returned from a trip to Africa. When we went to visit a couple who had had a baby, my friend seemed reluctant to hold the child, even though I knew he had extensive experience with kids. Later he told me, "I have never held a white baby. White women don't like men to hold their babies. In Africa, I had kids all over me all the time. It's different here."

What he said was distressingly true. And I was one of those women he referred to.

I've started to ease up on my "no males" policy, but the transition has been difficult. Old fears surface unbidden. Yet as I slowly let the young men in our church into my life and watch them interact with my kids, my policy seems unnecessarily rigid. I am raising two boys who need responsible role models in their life. How can I not want to foster healthy male relationships like this? And why would I cheat these men, whom I had observed closely for several months, of the opportunity to grow as future fathers, just as my many years of babysitting helped prepare me to be a mother?

My gender bias became even more distressing as I started to draw parallels between it and the way many churches make decisions about how and where women can serve. Every woman in ministry knows how unfair it feels to miss out on an opportunity simply because of our sex. And yet by not allowing the men in my church to play a role in mentoring my kids, I was imposing similar unfair limits on their service merely because of their gender.

There are some rules that make sense to me for all children, like background checks, two adults in every room, and diapering guidelines that protect little ones from abuse. But when it comes down to making sweeping decisions based solely on gender, I'm starting to see that what I had viewed as common sense decisions were really fear-based rather than Spirit-led.

Are you a reverse discriminator? Does your church or ministry make policies based on gender?

Nicole Unice has decided to accept her status as a wrestler with God. Between raising her kids and working in Family and Student Ministry at Hope Church in Richmond, VA, Nicole likes to write and teach on the intersection of God's word and modern life. Her first book, The Divine Pursuit, A Study of Jonah, released in Fall 2010. You can find her blogging at The Stubborn Servant.

IRS Increases Mileage Rate

The Internal Revenue Service announced it has increased the optional standard mileage rate that employers can use to reimburse employees who drive personal vehicles for business purposes.

The IRS increased the rate to 55.5 cents per mile for travel occurring between July 1 and December 31.

The rate was 51 cents for January 1 to June 30.

Many pastors and staff members drive their personal vehicles for church-related business, such as visitations or special events. If properly tracked, those miles can be reimbursed by churches (or pastors and staff members may be able to calculate a deduction for their annual tax returns).

Chapter 7 of the 2011 Church & Clergy Tax Guide further explains reimbursements of transportation expenses.

This post originally appeared on TheYourChurchBlog.com, a sister site of GiftedforLeadership.com at Christianity Today.

What Shape Are You In?

A routine check-up for managing all of our life roles

When I start to feel drained of energy, or when I snap at people or feel resentful when I'm asked to help, these are my clues that my life is out of shape. Usually saying yes to too many opportunities is what pushes me over the edge. When life starts feeling like it's getting out of control, it's time to stop and assess priorities. Here's a check-up I use to assess the shape I'm in. Maybe it'll help you too.

First, take a few minutes and list all of the roles you play in your life. If your list includes titles like child of God, mother, pastor, and friend, your life looks pretty tidy, like a square. Add roles like walking partner and Bible study student, and your life looks more like a hexagon. Now add scout leader and community volunteer and you're an octagon.

Many people can list 20 to 25 different life roles. At this level, a life can be seriously bent out of shape and display a lot of jagged edges, which may explain some of the sharp words that fly from my mouth when I get out of shape.

To get your life in better shape and maintain it, start every week with a short review of your life roles. With those roles in mind, schedule the non-negotiable tasks for that week. Set aside the amount of time you'll need to complete them.

Next, consider the smaller, non-critical tasks. Schedule these in the gaps left in your schedule, and include the time it will take to complete them. It only takes a few minutes to get a picture of where your time will be spent, and knowing this, you'll be able to avoid the "Just One More Thing" syndrome.

Finally, instead of trying to master multi-tasking, learn to focus on one role at a time. When you're at work, leave your family issues at home. When you're home, leave work issues at the office. For me, this means realizing that my two young daughters will only greet me at the door at the end of the day, jumping up and down with excitement, for a few short years. To make the most of this small window of joy, I have trained myself to park at the end of my block for a minute—just long enough to take a deep breath and ask God to help me leave my work behind and be fully present to my family when I walk into the house. Even a small action like this helps keep my life in better shape.

When we're in shape, we feel more productive, focused, and happier. Our relationships work well. We feel God's presence. What kind of shape are you in?

Vonna Laue's life is multi-faceted. She is a wife, mother, CPA with the accounting firm Capin Crouse, and has served in her church in various capacities throughout her life.

4 Tips for Time Off

Making the most of vacations

One of the things I tend to neglect (and I know many leaders who struggle with this as well) is fully utilizing vacation time. I underestimate the value of rejuvenation that happens when I disconnect my mind from my usual routine and responsibility. I too easily miss the importance of time with family and friends, laughing, playing, and resting. And oftentimes my vacation is nearly over before I’ve really started to rest and relax.

The more complex my life and leadership get, the more I realize vacations are not a luxury; they are a necessity. In order to make the most of vacation, I’ve found I have to do four things:

Plan vacation time well in advance. I get it on the calendar early so I have something to look forward to and so that all the other demands on my time don’t edge it out.

Make it long enough. It usually takes me at least two to three days to disconnect fully from my daily routine and stressors. Because of this, I now build in enough time to decompress as well as time to actually enjoy being disconnected.

Don’t take work on vacation. This is such a great temptation for me. It always seems like there is just one project I need to do while I’m out. But I don’t; I let it wait. That includes turning off my e-mail too. As tempting as it is, everything can wait.

Be purposeful in using time to connect with family. When I’m with family, I focus on fully engaging with them. Instead of being a vegetative zombie, I try to use vacation time to reconnect—to be fully present with them—and make great memories.

For more ideas on how to create meaningful time off work, check out the download Successful Family Vacations.

Jenni Catron serves as the Executive Director of Cross Point Church in Nashville, TN. She loves a fabulous cup of tea, great books, learning the game of tennis, and hanging out with her husband and border collie. Jenni's passion is to lead well and to inspire, equip, and encourage other women to do the same. That passion drove Jenni to start the women's leadership community, Cultivate Her. Jenni blogs there and at www.jennicatron.tv.

Rest

One critical skill most leaders never master

As Christians, we live in a performance-based culture that measures success according to how much you can cram into your life. The more you do, the more you're doing, so to speak. This mentality has, by and large, infiltrated the church, and you don't have to look beyond the church's leadership to see that. Many pastors are over-worked and burned-out, and their families suffer as a result.

This over-commitment is also the reason many pastors are more susceptible to moral failures. A recent study gave each participant either a two-digit number or a seven-digit number to remember. Then, each participant was sent down a hallway, individually, where they were presented with two options: a sensible cup of fruit, or a delicious (but extremely unhealthy) piece of chocolate cake. The participants had to choose which one they would accept.

What the study found was this: The participants who were trying to remember the seven-digit number were TWICE as likely to choose the cake.

Why did this happen? According to the scientist who conducted the study, Professor Baba Shiv, "Those extra numbers took up valuable space in the brain—they were a 'cognitive load'—making it that much harder to resist a decadent dessert. In other words, willpower is so weak, and the prefrontal cortex is so overtaxed, that all it takes is five extra bits of information before the brain starts to give in to temptation."

Jonah Lehrer, who authored the book How We Decide and included the above study in his research, summarized the findings saying, "The part of our brain that is most reasonable, rational and do-the-right-thing is easily toppled by the pull of raw sensual appetite, the lure of sweet. Knowing something is the right thing to do takes work—brain work—and our brains aren't always up to that."

In other words, the more we have going on in our brains and in our lives, the more likely we are to make bad decisions. Or at the very least, it clogs our brains in a way that makes consistent, good decision-making difficult.

This study has very real implications for Christians, but especially for leaders. All Christians must bear in mind the consequences of cramming our schedule instead of making time to rest (Ex. 20:8) and be still (Psalm 46:10): We are much more likely to make bad decisions otherwise. But Christian leaders should be especially mindful that their scheduling choices set an example for the rest of their church. When Christian leaders feed into the performance-based, frenetic pace of the surrounding culture, they risk causing their flock to do the same.

Fortunately, we do not measure our schedules according to worldly standards of success. We measure them according to a God who says that rest is good and He designed us to have it. Does your schedule reflect this truth?

Sharon Hodde Miller lives outside Chicago with her husband where she is currently pursuing a PhD in Educational Studies at Trinity Evangelical Divinity School. You can read more of her writing at sheworships.com.

Every Need Is Not a Call

Focusing on the right community ministry

I frequently work with churches that are located in communities with multiple needs and issues. In urban neighborhoods, and more frequently now in suburbs and rural communities, you might find the following issues:

• high levels of unemployment, with families struggling to meet basic needs as a result
  
• an achievement gap between children who live in poverty and those who don't, resulting in lower graduation rates and college attendance for youth from poor families
  
• a lack of affordable housing that has driven some people into homelessness
  

Trying to meet all the needs that you see is counter-productive. It's likely your church won't be good at responding to them all, and if you try, your impact on the community will be minimal. So a critical step in developing effective community ministry programs is focus: making good choices about the one or two areas in which your congregation will work.

I've found that asking the following questions can help a congregation become more focused in developing community ministry:

What does the community say that it wants your church to do?
Don't overlook what the people in the neighborhood surrounding your church say about what they want and need. You may be able to use information from groups that have already surveyed community needs in your area—the United Way, for example, or a community council. Or better yet, your church members and staff can connect one-on-one or in small groups with community residents, asking them a few key questions:

• what do you think are the main challenges or concerns in this community?
  
• who is dealing with them best?
  
• what can our church do to best serve the community?

What other services are provided in your area to address these needs?
Another way to bring focus is to investigate what other services are being provided in your area. If an issue is already being well-addressed, perhaps your congregation doesn't need to respond with new programming. Send church members to identify and tour other programs, meeting with key staff and observing what's offered. It's a way to see from the ground level the services that are being provided, plus it's a way for your church to build needed relationships in the community. You may learn that your congregation's role is different than you thought—instead of starting your own ministry, you may decide to partner with an existing one, providing volunteers from your church and financial support, for example.

What are the people in your church passionate about?
The most successful community ministries I have seen are driven by the passion of the people in the congregation. What issues can the people in your church not stop talking about? When I have served as a church staff member, I knew God was up to something when different church members who didn't even know each other would approach me about the same ministry idea. Bringing them together to share their passion for this new "seed" of ministry was the most critical step in moving forward into greater service to the community.

What gifts and skills are particularly present in your congregation?
It's hard to develop a successful ministry if you don't have the expertise or gifting to pull it off. Often congregations have clusters of particular skills—lots of people in the arts, for example, or teachers, attorneys, or people in the skilled trades. These skill sets ought to inform the ministries you choose to undertake. One church I worked with was a natural fit with housing programs, because there were so many people in the congregation working in the industry—real estate, construction, property management, etc. There are often clusters of spiritual gifts within congregations as well. If there are a number of people with the spiritual gift of hospitality in your church, for example, you may naturally move toward sponsoring community meals or special events for children.

In the face of so many needs in the community, it's tempting to try to respond to them all. But working toward an early focus in your community ministry will help you be more effective in serving the community and in developing your church members to use their gifts and skills in service.

Joy Skjegstad is a national speaker and consultant on nonprofit management and ministry development. She has 20 years of experience starting and growing nonprofit organizations, with a special focus on faith-based groups, youth development and the arts. She has served as the President of Sanctuary Community Development Corporation, the nonprofit connected to Sanctuary Covenant Church in North Minneapolis and is a founder of the Institute for Ministry Leaders, a university-based training program that builds the management capacity of churches and other ministry organizations. She also served as the Executive Director of the Park Avenue Foundation at Park Avenue United Methodist Church and has held a variety of other leadership positions with nonprofits in the Minneapolis-St. Paul area. Joy is the author of Winning Grants to Strengthen Your Ministry and Starting a Non-Profit at Your Church, both published by Alban. She can be reached at joynonprofit@yahoo.com.

I Was a Reverse Discriminator

IRS Increases Mileage Rate

What Shape Are You In?

4 Tips for Time Off