Why Strong Women Don’t Get Respect

It starts with what we say about ourselves

“Must be my hormones again.”

“Oh, it’s just estrogen.”

“I’m just a chick with a bad thyroid.”

These are the kinds of things I hear women in high-profile positions say about themselves—and by extension, about all women.

Recently, a writer submitted an article for our staff to consider for publication. In it the author bitterly criticized strong women for not getting along with others and aggressively destroying women around them for no apparent reason. The article used several offensive and stereotypical terms in referring to women, such as “catfight,” “henpecked,” “meow,” and “creatures containing estrogen.”

This article was written by a woman.

One of the reasons I reacted so strongly against this article is because it reminded me of the way women often speak of themselves and each other in public. It reminded me of the stereotypes that label women leaders with derogatory generalizations designed to bring them down.

I wince every time I hear a Christian writer or speaker (and by virtue of her position, a leader) use the word “estrogen.” This is not because I have some weird aversion to a discussion of hormones, but because she’s usually using the word for a cheap laugh that summarily dismisses women as victims of this particular hormone that apparently makes us say and do things that should not be taken seriously. When we summarize ourselves this way, or embrace the world’s derogatory terms for us, or dismiss our emotional expressions as symptoms of overactive hormones, we dismiss half the population—half of the people God made in his image. And we participate in the kind of base rejection that drives women to repression and self-loathing.

(As a side note, men also have estrogen, and women happen to have testosterone as well.)

This basic disrespect for our own gender and our abilities comes out in the kind of criticism unfairly leveled at strong women. It’s common to insinuate that women who are strong leaders are, by nature, mean and destructive, and need to be knocked down a peg or two. They’re overbearing, unkind, and predatory.

But the kind of behavior we stereotypically lay at the feet of “strong women” isn't about strength. I know a lot of strong women with leadership gifts who are exercising those gifts to serve God in the world and to empower other women to do the same. None of these women are backbiting, bullying human weapons of mass destruction. Even in the animal world, alpha females usually don’t pick off the weaker members or destroy their pack. Sometimes they keep the group safe and lead them to food.

Overbearing, unkind, and predatory behavior is characteristic not of leaders, but of people who are overbearing, unkind, and predatory—women and men. The kind of destructive behavior we attribute to strong women is usually carried out by women who are hurting—whether they’re strong leaders or not. In fact, in my experience women commonly attack one another not because they believe they’re strong, but because they don’t—they feel weak, powerless, and threatened by the other women around them. Sometimes they’re being bullied regularly (perhaps by the men in their lives) and they’re trying to assert some control and dominance to give themselves a sense of value. Such women need compassion—along with strong boundaries. They don’t need the kind of dismissal that feeds the lack of self-respect that caused them to lash out in the first place.

The less women feel it’s acceptable to dismiss themselves, the less threatened they’ll feel by the women around them with the courage and calling to lead. And on this, perhaps we who are leaders need to set the example by being respectful of women at all times, especially in what we say about each other.

Amy Simpson is Editor of SmallGroups.com and Kyria’s Marriage & Parenting resources, and a freelance writer and the author of Into the Word: How to Get the Most from Your Bible (NavPress).

4 Creative Ways to Thank Volunteers

Keep them coming back after the holidays

’Tis the season—the season when church leaders and volunteers feel the squeeze of work and family life. From Christmas cards to gift wrapping to party planning, Christmas adds a new dimension to our already hectic lives.

And then there’s church! For weeks, volunteers have been feverishly preparing Christmas programs, organizing gift markets, coordinating food drives. Church workers have been hard-pressed on every side with little relief.

All of the extra work that comes with the Christmas season—even when it’s fulfilling and meaningful—can lead to year-end burnout. So now is a perfect time to get creative about how you show appreciation to your ministry volunteers. Here are a few creative ways to say thank you as you begin the new year.

Quiet Recognition
When a woman at my church did an extraordinary job leading an event this fall, I didn’t just send her a thank you e-mail. Instead, I wrote an e-mail to my senior pastor and elders, commending her work in detail. Many leaders, mired in their own responsibilities, don’t always know the particulars of—or people involved in—each ministry. Several of my colleagues who received my e-mail responded by sending a personal note of thanks to this volunteer. By sharing my gratitude for her with others, she received a flood of thanks that otherwise would have been missed.

Heartfelt Thanks
Year-end is a great time to offer your ministry leaders the gift of gratitude. Instead of sending them a quickly jotted note or e-mail, take time to pray for each of them. Ask God to lead you to a Scripture to pray for them—and then share this with each of them individually. The apostle Paul’s letters are a great place to start looking for examples of how to pray for those you shepherd and mentor, and how to express your gratitude to them.

Go Vintage—Use the Phone
Consider calling each volunteer—or those most actively involved—just to thank them specifically for what they mean to you. It is a rare gift to receive a phone call where the caller isn’t asking you to do anything! Before calling, make a note of a specific quality you want to bring up to the person. Try to avoid thanking them for work they do in the church; rather, think about a way you can thank them for what they mean to you. I recently shared with a friend how much her wisdom and advice have helped me become a better leader. Your team will feel prized when they know they are supporting you and that you value their friendship.

Stretch the Budget
If you have access to some ministry funds, consider how you can spur some leaders to even greater things. In my experience, volunteers often fulfill their roles well—but rarely are challenged to continue to grow in them. If one of your leaders is a great Bible study teacher, look into the option of having the church pay for her to attend a seminary class. Seminaries like Gordon-Conwell offer distance learning for personal enrichment for as low as $50/class. Or perhaps you have some volunteers who faithfully provide hospitality and decorating—how about a floral arranging workshop or a design magazine subscription? Caring about what your volunteer leaders love to do—and then providing learning in that area—is an easy way to keep them excited about serving.

Carving out time to show gratitude will leave your volunteers feeling more appreciated and inspired in their work. But we leaders may benefit even more, because when we show gratitude, we slow down and realize the good work our ministry has done. We get perspective on what really matters. And most importantly, we remember that the people we serve with are as important as the people we serve.

Nicole Unice is a contributing editor for GiftedforLeadership.com, and she works in Family and Student Ministry at Hope Church in Richmond, Virginia.

Bringing Justice to Bangladesh

How one young leader discovered a piece of God’s heart

When Sarah Aulie travelled to India in her mid-20s, she went seeking direction and clarity. Like so many of her post-college peers, she wasn’t sure what path her life should take. While she was in India, though, a series of unplanned events unfolded—experiences that changed the course of her life and the lives of women in India and Bangladesh.

One of those events was visiting a government home for at-risk girls in Calcutta, many of whom had been victims of human trafficking, while others had recently come out of prostitution. That visit gave Sarah a firsthand glimpse into the pain and injustice of human trafficking. As she walked the streets of Calcutta, she wondered why God had brought these strong yet hurting women into her life. Above the bustling din, the only voice she heard was God’s—his unmistakable call to do something to help these girls.

At the same time God was opening her eyes to the plight of women in India and Bangladesh, Sarah was also learning about the folkloric tradition of kantha quilting. In kantha quilting, the material from the discarded saris of the rich is used by the poor to make quilts. Drawn to this practical and artful craft, Sarah sensed there would be a market in the U.S. for these beautiful blankets. And this would be a way to provide jobs for her precious new friends. And these jobs would provide an alternative to returning to prostitution after they left the government home when they turned 18.

God was also moving in the heart of Robin Seyfert, a woman who would become Sarah’s ministry and business partner in Hand & Cloth. Robin had been working for a relief and development organization in Bangladesh for several years. Robin daily bore witness to the exploitation of women in Bangladesh and felt the call to start a business in Bangladesh where Biblical values could be lived out in the workplace. This year in 2011, Hand & Cloth opened its doors for business in Bangladesh, where 14 women now work each day in dignity and hope.

“God gave me a piece of his heart on this,” Sarah says. Today, that piece of God’s heart is being woven into every quilt that is created by Hand & Cloth, the social enterprise ministry Sarah founded that provides a living wage and a loving community to women in Bangladesh who are at-risk or have survived prostitution or trafficking.

Sarah received support from her local church to help her get Hand & Cloth off the ground. Prayer was the main catalyst that moved her from awareness to action, and prayer is what continues to propel Hand & Cloth to new levels.

“Nothing happens without a season of prayer,” says Sarah. Her family and church are partners she depends on to help her make the hard decisions, and every decision is steeped in a time of community prayer.

Another catalyst that moved Sarah from awareness to action is relationships. Although she doesn’t explicitly name this factor, it was her relationship with God through prayer that prompted her to go to Calcutta. Her relationships with the girls in the government home sparked her passion and pragmatism for helping them in their impossible circumstances. Her relationships with her family and church support the work of Hand & Cloth. Her relationships with Christians committed to this mission provides the volunteer skills to maintain and grow a website and network to sell the kantha quilts. And it’s the relationships Sarah and her team have forged through prayer with and for the women making the quilts, as well as for those buying them that sustains the ministry. She prays that women in the U.S. and Bangladesh will see Christ as their true hope, the One who truly heals women.

Sarah Aulie didn’t set out to launch a new ministry when she went to Calcutta a few years ago. She went in search of God. What she found was a God whose heart beats for the vulnerable and poor women of India and Bangladesh. And he is showing Sarah how to lead the way for justice in that region through simple, yet profound, means, like prayer and relationships.

What about you and the leaders in your church? Where is God giving you—and them—a piece of his heart? What has moved you from awareness to action?

Beatrice Rusu is senior marketing coordinator for Kyria.com and Gifted for Leadership. She is a frequent contributor to the Kyria blog.

Marian V. Liautaud is an editor for Christianity Today's church management resources and GiftedforLeadership.com

Caring for Our Souls at Christmastime

Say no to busyness, and yes to quiet waiting and wondering

The emails flying back and forth create a picture, comical yet somehow sad: “Would love to see you all, but can’t do tomorrow, maybe the 10th?” and “I can’t do the 10th, how about the 19th?”

Five of us, my closest girlfriends, are trying to find a time to get together during December. Just us, we wouldn’t even dare attempt trying to include spouses or kids. So far we have intentions, but no two-hour window when all of us are free.

Our calendars groan under the weight of obligations. The church calendar, meanwhile, declares the season of Advent (from the Latin adventus, “coming”), a season of waiting. More than a countdown to Christmas, Advent anticipates—not just a day of feasting and presents, but the quiet miracle of the incarnation.

How do we care for our souls in Advent? How do we watch for the light of Jesus? For ministry leaders, everything from children’s Christmas pageants to planning multiple Christmas services can make the month of December a time of stress and busyness that leaves us feeling worn out, rather than reflective. We are trying to slog through December, and the only thing we are waiting for is for it to be over.

Your ability to be fully present with the people or children you lead will depend on your ability to be present with God. This is true not just in Advent but all year long. It just gets harder in this season—and therefore more crucial.

Two practices will be helpful to us as leaders: saying yes, and saying no.

Say yes to just five minutes of reflection in the morning. In the dim light of a winter morning, I light a candle and read something short from an Advent devotional, or a verse or two from the Old Testament Messianic prophesies (try Isaiah).

This year, I’m reading A Guide to Prayer for All Who Seek God, a lectionary for the whole year that begins with readings for Advent. This morning I underlined this about the incarnation: “God who made all that is became clothed in our human flesh so that we might become clothed in God."

What would your life look like this season if you said yes to being “clothed with God,” with acting as Jesus would if he lived your life? What would you have to say no to, in order to do so?

Saying no means delegating, politely declining some invitations, being willing to let others (who might not do things exactly as you would) to take over certain tasks. It means being willing to release control. It might mean sending greeting cards in January or not at all, or taking a “pot-luck” approach to holiday entertaining, or turning down an invitation to give yourself a night to just be at home and quiet.

How can you say no to the busyness, and yes to quiet waiting and wondering? What specific things will you say yes and no to this Advent to care for your soul?

Keri Wyatt Kent is the author of nine books, all of which help readers slow down and listen to God. A popular retreat leader and speaker, she is a regular contributor to several websites and blogs, including Kyria.com and her own at KeriWyattKent.com

How Did Jesus Teach?

The answer helps me keep my ambition in check

Recently, a friend shared a conversation she’d had with another woman in leadership. “All she talked about is how no one will support her preaching, and how she’s having a hard time getting ordained. Not once did she talk about serving, or call, or God’s direction.”

Ambition isn’t unique to women. Men strive to get ahead just like we do. But within women’s leadership circles, I’m noticing a troubling trend: In our rally cry to gain a place in the pulpit, we may be losing something else—our heart for servanthood.

I’m as pro-woman as they come. I believe the church would benefit from more women teaching in larger venues. But as I look at the “glory” of being “in the spotlight”—for both men and women—I have to ask myself, How did Jesus teach?

Jesus taught one woman at the well what it means to have living water. He taught a small group of disciples what it meant to follow him. And he also taught a large crowd how to be blessed in this life. We’re just as likely to receive wisdom from Jesus’ teaching when he ate a meal with his disciples as when he stood in the synagogue and read from Isaiah. The answer to the question, How did Jesus teach? is that he taught in a wide variety of venues, and always with a heart to serve his listeners, no matter how big or small the crowd. And he did it even in the midst of having people not “support” his preaching, as my friend bemoaned about her own situation.

If Jesus lived, loved, and taught primarily through relationships rather than in the synagogue, then all of us already have opportunities to teach, even without a pulpit. Plus, Scripture makes it clear that God cares first and foremost about the state of our hearts—our character. If we’ve been called to teach, we’re held to a higher standard: “Brothers and sisters, not many of you should become teachers in the church, for we who teach will be judged by God with greater strictness” (James 3:1).

I know what it is to yearn for greater influence. But I also know that it’s a slippery slope to believe that my greatest effectiveness comes by teaching at center stage. The best thing I can do is take the role I’ve been given and work at it with all my heart—to earn my place of leadership without promoting a hidden agenda of self-ambition. I must leverage the influence I do have, and rejoice when it moves the kingdom forward, knowing that my “labor in the Lord is not in vain” (1 Corinthians 15:58) regardless of whether I preached the sermon myself or contributed to the discussion in a staff meeting with a pastor the week before. And I can pursue my calling, understanding as Peter wrote in 1 Peter 5:6, that as I humble myself, under God’s mighty hand, he will lift me up in due time. Then my influence builds because of my reputation of servanthood, not my loud cries to be noticed.

Nicole Unice is a contributing editor for GiftedforLeadership.com, and she works in Family and Student Ministry at Hope Church in Richmond, VA.

Why Strong Women Don’t Get Respect

4 Creative Ways to Thank Volunteers

Bringing Justice to Bangladesh

Caring for Our Souls at Christmastime