Gifted for Leadership: Why Strong Women Don’t Get Respect

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December 21, 2011

Why Strong Women Don’t Get Respect

It starts with what we say about ourselves

by Amy Simpson

“Must be my hormones again.”

“Oh, it’s just estrogen.”

“I’m just a chick with a bad thyroid.”

These are the kinds of things I hear women in high-profile positions say about themselves—and by extension, about all women.

Recently, a writer submitted an article for our staff to consider for publication. In it the author bitterly criticized strong women for not getting along with others and aggressively destroying women around them for no apparent reason. The article used several offensive and stereotypical terms in referring to women, such as “catfight,” “henpecked,” “meow,” and “creatures containing estrogen.”

This article was written by a woman.

One of the reasons I reacted so strongly against this article is because it reminded me of the way women often speak of themselves and each other in public. It reminded me of the stereotypes that label women leaders with derogatory generalizations designed to bring them down.

I wince every time I hear a Christian writer or speaker (and by virtue of her position, a leader) use the word “estrogen.” This is not because I have some weird aversion to a discussion of hormones, but because she’s usually using the word for a cheap laugh that summarily dismisses women as victims of this particular hormone that apparently makes us say and do things that should not be taken seriously. When we summarize ourselves this way, or embrace the world’s derogatory terms for us, or dismiss our emotional expressions as symptoms of overactive hormones, we dismiss half the population—half of the people God made in his image. And we participate in the kind of base rejection that drives women to repression and self-loathing.

(As a side note, men also have estrogen, and women happen to have testosterone as well.)

This basic disrespect for our own gender and our abilities comes out in the kind of criticism unfairly leveled at strong women. It’s common to insinuate that women who are strong leaders are, by nature, mean and destructive, and need to be knocked down a peg or two. They’re overbearing, unkind, and predatory.

But the kind of behavior we stereotypically lay at the feet of “strong women” isn't about strength. I know a lot of strong women with leadership gifts who are exercising those gifts to serve God in the world and to empower other women to do the same. None of these women are backbiting, bullying human weapons of mass destruction. Even in the animal world, alpha females usually don’t pick off the weaker members or destroy their pack. Sometimes they keep the group safe and lead them to food.

Overbearing, unkind, and predatory behavior is characteristic not of leaders, but of people who are overbearing, unkind, and predatory—women and men. The kind of destructive behavior we attribute to strong women is usually carried out by women who are hurting—whether they’re strong leaders or not. In fact, in my experience women commonly attack one another not because they believe they’re strong, but because they don’t—they feel weak, powerless, and threatened by the other women around them. Sometimes they’re being bullied regularly (perhaps by the men in their lives) and they’re trying to assert some control and dominance to give themselves a sense of value. Such women need compassion—along with strong boundaries. They don’t need the kind of dismissal that feeds the lack of self-respect that caused them to lash out in the first place.

The less women feel it’s acceptable to dismiss themselves, the less threatened they’ll feel by the women around them with the courage and calling to lead. And on this, perhaps we who are leaders need to set the example by being respectful of women at all times, especially in what we say about each other.

Amy Simpson is Editor of SmallGroups.com and Kyria’s Marriage & Parenting resources, and a freelance writer and the author of Into the Word: How to Get the Most from Your Bible (NavPress).

Related Tags: leadership, strength, women's issues

Comments

Excellent post. I have thought the same many, many times. Women should not apologize for the reality of who we are as God created us, hormones and all. Men and women alike have challenges, some related to gender, some not, but we are all called to make appropriate choices as to how we act and react as representatives of Christ and His kingdom.

I agree with this. As a speaker, I cringe at the way in which there is a segment of women speakers who see themselves as somehow removed, the exception, to their own gender. They use their acceptance as ministers as a pivot point from which to denigrate women in general, speaking disparagingly of women's meetings and conferences. Fortunately, this is no longer as common as it was, but the best thing that we can do to help women and women in ministry have greater levels of acceptance in the Body of Christ, is to first accept ourselves, hormones and all. It's our hormones that give us our grace and womanliness... and, dare I say it, our strength and resilience. God made us strong and uniquely fitted for leadership roles that men, definition, cannot suit. Godly leaders, be they male or female, do well when they give grace to each other to be themselves... and at the same time, make the choice to practice the fruit of the Spirit, despite their gender.

Amy, thank you for sharing the way you did. Clearly, we see the need for change, in the lives of the women who do not have any encouraging words for other women. I like what you said, that leaders, both men and women only desire to help, bring others to the truth of the Word of God, and we waste no time, in talking down women or even men. Our desires and thoughts as leaders motivate our actions in a different direction, after the things that matter to God and the church, and people in general.

Thank you, Amy. Well said!

I have worked for male bosses, and female bosses. In a 23-year career, I can think of only two female managers (including those I did not work for at the 11,000-employee plant where I'm employed) who were not vicious, overbearing, and obnoxious. There are certainly examples of male managers who meet that mold, but, by and large, it's the women.

I cannot advance a theory as to why this is. Perhaps they feel they must be "strong" to "compete in a man's world" (although we have more female managers than male). Perhaps they felt belittled or not taken seriously, and their behavior was a reaction to that. Perhaps, as Amy suggests, they've been abused in some way and are reacting out of a hurting heart. I do know for certain that several of my coworkers (including women) have noticed this as well. My own mother stated on several occasions that she would much rather work for a man than for a woman; the women, she said, were way too critical, demanding, unforgiving, and pushy.

If women do not want to be labeled as "overbearing, unkind, and predatory" (to use Amy's words), I suggest that the first place to start is in examining the logs in their own eyes. As you suggest, Amy, if they're hurting, the right reaction is not to become harpies from someplace dark and fiery. Rather, I would suggest the proper reaction would be to meet evil with good (1 Thess 5:15). Certainly men have been hurt as well, and we don't tolerate obnoxious behavior from men, do we?

God bless.

Well said, in many respects, though I'm not fond of the comparison of human female leaders to "alpha" animals. Humanity created in God's image, isn't that how scripture describes us? Whether "strong" or "leaders" or not.

Blessings!

All have fallen short of the glory of God. The commonon thread in these types of behavior for both men and women is our fallen nature. But thanks to Jesus we don't have to be that way any longer. Let us all be transformed to the very image of Christ.

U agree with what Amy said about women denigrating other women, particularly those in leadership position and that this should not be done, but unfortunately I have to agree with Mike's comments about so very many female leaders being overbearingc overly critical and unforgiving.

While I have had two excellent female managers in my 30-year career, (and am at present a manager), too many in my experience have tried too hard perhaps to prove how good they are and are relentless drivers. One of my worst experiences was with one who professed to be a Christian, but was mean, overly critical and racist. I've also often found that they do not know the boundaries of their staff's work and personal lives and are quite judgemental.

Why should staff have to bear the brunt of their own insecurities?

Interesting article. What do you think?

Excellent article. If I may do so, I would like to add a diversity angle as well. As an African-American woman I am often labeled as overly aggressive, too strong, and at times that I have a temper because I speak truth, I am a bold and confident woman. I referenced the fact that I am an African-American woman because I am only termed those labels by women who are consider white-American.

My same actions of being a woman of truth, boldness, and confident are considered strengths, and an asset in the African-American community. Women, we need to build one another up, and stop tearing each other down with all these labels. Basically it is showing our personal insecurities.

As women, the best thing we have going is the support and strength we can provide for each other. Yet, as you have observed, Amy, criticism, control and power often characterize our actions and attitudes. For me, whether it is a speaker, a boss, a female colleague or a sales clerk, character is what counts. In my relationships, that's what I desire more than anything: godly character that is self-aware and working from strengths. When a woman knows who God has made her and what she is called by God to do, she can relax and lead, without the need to overpower or manipulate.

Sometimes we get confused as to what constitutes strength. Too often, female put-downs are a cop-out for irresponsible Christian behavior. We think if we understand why we behave inappropriately, we can be excused for it, so we look for a way to blame anything or anyone but ourselves -- estrogen or whatever. We don't want to be accused of weakness.

Knowing "why" helps us forgive, but the goal is to not need forgiveness, not by being strong, but by owning (confessing, admitting) our weakness. Strength or weakness of estrogen and testosterone depend on who is providing the power for its control, the Spirit or ourselves. Recognizing weakness is not inappropriate; it is necessary. True strength is not the ability to refute being weak, but the ability to recognize it and allow the Spirit to counter it with self-control -- no excuses. True weakness is confidence in our ability to not need help. It displays itself in arrogance, disdain and blame. True strength is the humble, quiet confidence and self-control that come from dependence on God alone. When I am weak, then I am strong. But oh, how we (I) hate to admit we are weak! It is definitely not PC!

I really appreciate this post. But I'm troubled by the subtitle: "It starts with what we say about ourselves."

It starts with what is said about what we say, and about who gets to speak at all. Studies on gender discourse show that women are much more likely to "hedge" when they speak: to apologize in advance, to denigrate their own opinions, to say "I may be wrong but . . . " More recent research shows that hedging increases as power decreases: tell someone often enough to be silent, or question their right to speak or question, and hedging starts to show up: in women, minorities, medical patients, anyone on the bottom of the "hierarchy of access."

Business schools have tried teaching women to speak more assertively, only to discover a double bind: for women, assertiveness is considered bossy, unfeminine, inappropriate, unpleasant. There's a very narrow range of volume, pitch, gesture, and facial expression considered acceptably feminine and still agreeably assertive - and women who want to break the glass ceiling are encouraged to get careful coaching so they can speak in a way that men - and women! - will be willing to listen to.

Who gets heard is unfortunately all about power, and in the church, as in the rest of the world, women have a hard time being heard. Yes, we should work hard not to criticize women who try to speak. And we should work hard not to apologize for being women, and speaking as women. But we also need to have much more conversation -with men and women in leadership - about the patterns of discourse in our congregations and leadership gatherings, and about the way we value or fail to value perspectives - and voices - other than those most familiar.

I have worked with and for women leaders who were a nightmare (I actually sought counseling) and empowering. I've been with the company I now work for 16 years, and I've been very fortunate to have empowering (all female) managers. I've also worked with/for men who were crass, abusive, sexist, and belittled the women in the office. This behavior is also that of a bully, regardless of men or women.
I think there are many variables when people are in positions of authority. Not everyone is meant to be a leader, but they're pressed into that role. Many people do not like being managed by a woman, especially some men, who feel it is not Biblical for a woman to lead in any capacity.

Regardless, it is hard to be a leader. I have been in a leadership position and discovered how hard it is, which increased my respect for those who are in leadership positions. There's a lot of stress, very little grace extended toward the one leading, and adutls [especially] behave like whiny children or catty teenage girls.

Personally, I am a team player. I prefer to support leadership than lead. I prefer to facilitate than dictate. I have no desire to lead, unless God again puts me in that position.

I am a man and every single woman boss I have had have been either too overbearing or too ineffective.

I once worked for a guy who was funny, personable (on company time) and competent--until he got a female boss. Then, he became conniving, rude and sexist. He began quoting the verse from Timothy that most people cite when a woman has authority over a man--and since after hours, he was a womanizing, hard-drinking, hard-swearing kinda guy, this was apparently the only Bible verse he knew. Conversely, the woman who was over him was patient, well spoken and thoughtful--she theatened him just by being herself.

A number of comments have focused on good and bad experiences with women leaders. Doesn't that prove the author's point? Obnoxious behavior isn't confined to one gender, and not all women are obnoxious when placed in positions of power.

What concerns me is the attitude that certain characteristics necessary for leadership are unfeminine and, therefore, any woman who displays them deserves condemnation for it. Christian stereotypes of women as weak and emotional often leave women in the church feeling second class. If we would be honest about this, we might have a better discussion about womanhood in our churches.

You know, I don't think we realize how pervasive sexism is. I mean, from the cradle on up, society either subtly or overtly tells us that men are more valuable and that women are weak, emotional, etc. People get this engrained in them and read the Bible through this view. We also expect women to be emotional and hard to get along with and in many cases, even subconciously teach them to be like this. As for me, I've had good and bad bosses from both genders. It all boiled down to each individual's communication skills.

Perhaps the problem isn't with the women bosses but with the people under them. I worked at a clerk level while going to college. The second I received that degree I started moving up to suddenly find my former "co-workers" wouldn't follow orders from my supervisors given through me, mixed up written instructions, made remarks on a daily basis within hearing distance that "they could do a better job than college people". Mind you the men above me were college people but that was acceptable. I had men kick in doors because I asked them to give their monthly statistics to my supervisor who had asked for them through me. I found out women were saying I said this and that about people when I didn't even talk like or use that language and I had wondered what the coldness from former "friends" was about. Finally, mgt. simply closed the depts. down because nothing was getting done and I'm using my college where I'm welcomed, building our Church attendance and our Church's school. I guess God had plans for me I didn't know about. I'm extremely happy with my life. I sure don't miss the backbiting. I sure do love working with children which I didn't realize but God sure knew that about me.

I was particularly interested in Lou Cole's comments about speaking/hearing being related to power because it matches my experience. I wonder if we might benefit from hearing from women leaders who are continually challenged to make themselves heard and understood?

Being a leader sometimes means directing people you are to be leading. This takes great effort, as few like being re-directed. To be a female in this role makes its own challenges in a society where the males are expected to be the great authority.

I think it is more acceptable to criticize women than men. Women seem to be fodder for so much judgment. Where are the articles examining whether male leaders are too aggressive? They don't exist. Because women are the "other," and therefore are constantly being forced to prove themselves.

And I wonder if the men commenters who say that almost all (or ALL) the women they have worked under were ineffective and overbearing are perhaps the exact proof in the pudding. Maybe those women were perceived as overbearing not because they were, but because they were women. It would be interesting to compare their judgments of those women with those of other subordinates.

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