5 Types of Critics in Your Church

And how to handle them

No matter how far up the ladder of ministry you climb, you will always find those eager to analyze and judge your work. So how do you respond?

Maybe whenever you see one of your critics coming, your palms begin sweating. The hairs on the back of your neck may stand straight in a salute. Your eyes focus on every object in the room and rest on the chemical storage closest—perfect! Maybe you’ve even squeezed your body into the tiny space and watched through the cracked-open door as she passed by.

Surely there is a better way to deal with your critics in the church than hiding from them.

Here are the five different types of critics who may be infiltrating your ministry and practical advice on how to deal with them without hiding in the chemical closet:

1. The Cruel Critic rarely considers herself cruel. Usually, the Cruel Critic experienced cruelty during her childhood or adolescence and responds out of her own pain. Take a step back and breathe. Clarify what she is trying to say. The truth of her statement may be hidden underneath the poignancy of her words. Address the real issue in a non-defensive way, smothering your reply in grace. This breaks the cycle of spite and exemplifies another way to behave.

You will occasionally encounter the Cruel Critic face to face, but most often you will find her online. Through a screen she forgets she is communicating with another human being. With the keyboard as a separator, the temptation to counteract critique with a sharp tongue is even stronger. Give yourself even more time before you respond.

When appropriate, give the person the benefit of the doubt by assuming her cruelty is unintentional, and help her recognize what she is doing. Remember to temper your words with love and grace, especially since you don’t know if her passion is due to past pain. Chances are, if the Cruel Critic communicates to you online she is also communicating to others in the congregation in a similar manner.

Never forget the importance of extending grace and kindness to The Cruel Critic. You may become a balm of healing and restoration in her life.

2. The Never-Satisfied Critic is exhausting and will grate on your emotions. Part of the reason your best isn't good enough is because her best isn't good enough for her either. With this insight, encourage this Critic when her best is good enough. Did she do a good job greeting newcomers last Sunday? Tell her! Whenever a victory occurs, especially when the victory is hers, include her in the celebration.

If including her still doesn’t help, request to change the ratio. This will be a hard conversation but well worth the difficulty. Ask the Never-Satisfied Critic to provide three positive comments for every one negative. If she still isn’t satisfied, consider asking her to plug into another area of ministry. Remember that she has a gift someone else may be better equipped to discover and celebrate.

3.The Self-Appointed Critic deems herself the judge of everything you do. While having someone who can recognize problems is important, what you really need are people who will also provide a solution.

Rouse the Self-Appointed Critic to take responsibility for finding a solution by asking her how she would fix the problem. By suggesting she can be the key for resolution, you’ll redirect her energies from conveying critiques to creating closure. You may find that the your biggest critic becomes your closest champion.

4. The I-Wish-I-Were-You Critic can be difficult to identify because you may not recognize where the sharp edges of the critique come from. "In my experience"; "At my last church, I"; "When I was leading" are all phrases this Critic tends to use.

Give value to the gifts God has given this Critic. Perhaps she did an excellent job orchestrating the last women’s retreat. Awesome! However, you have been placed in your particular leadership role for a reason. Establish the boundary of your leadership with gentleness. Once you have done so, use your role to raise up others as leaders, including the I-Wish-I-Were-You Critic.

Is there a place she can serve? Need another small group leader? With some guidance, she may help launch a fabulous new ministry or outreach at your church.

5. The Constructive Critic is the Winner of the Best Critic Award. The Constructive Critic not only identifies the problem, but has a solution and wants to take part. Invite her to celebrate as goals are accomplished. Be intentional in identifying her strengths to give encouragement. As she gains more trust, invite her to contribute further and to take ideas to the next level.

Which critic is the hardest for you to deal with? Why?

How far out of your way have you gone to avoid a critic?

Margaret Feinberg is a popular speaker and author of more than two dozen books, including Hungry for God: Hearing His Voice in the Ordinary and the Everyday. Margaret lives with her husband, Leif, in Morrison, Colorado.

Is It God’s Will?

The Leader and Decision-Making

As a leader—of myself, of my children, of a ministry—I find no greater source of angst than making difficult decisions. I wonder and pray and talk with others about whether or not plan A or plan B or starting this and quitting that is “God’s will.”

The phrase itself has become so overused—and misused—that I wonder if “God’s will” is just “the best plan I could think of” dressed up in spiritual clothing. Can we really know God’s will for our decisions? Should I expect God to give specific guidance in every decision I need to make?

Searching Scripture reveals five simple truths we can rely on when making decisions:

1. Wisdom Is a Promise
James 1:5 says if we lack wisdom, we should “ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking.” Proverbs 2 promises that if we seek wisdom, searching for it “like hidden treasures,” then we will find wisdom from God (verses 2-5). When I have a difficult decision to make, it is helpful to remember that God doesn’t just suggest that he can help—he promises he will. I can draw on that promise in prayer and expect God to come through.

2. Humility Is a Prerequisite
“Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorant words?” So began God’s inquiry into Job’s complaints about the course of his life (Job 38). The first thing God told Job was that he spoke without full understanding. Proverbs 11:2 says, “With humility comes wisdom.” We cannot assume that our instincts and leanings are always right. My own desire for how things “should be” clouds my judgment and can lead me to make self-promoting or self-protecting choices. Seeking God—not just my best plan—begins with a quiet humility and an open mind.

3. God’s Understanding Always Trumps Our Understanding
Proverbs 3:5 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.” In Scripture, God’s understanding is often contrasted with our own. This guarantees that there will be times in life where we come to a decision that doesn’t make perfect human sense. If we believe God’s understanding is always greater than our own, then we are willing to accept answers that are outside our comfort zone. This opens us up to receiving God’s direction even when we don’t like what he says!

4. We All Need Counsel
“Plans go wrong for lack of advice,” Proverbs 15:22 reminds us. Even when we earnestly seek the Lord, running our decisions by other wise believers is important. I recently considered a job change and consulted an older couple for counsel. The questions they asked were challenging—and just what I needed to sift out my own desires and feelings from a true God-given call. A wise leader is not only in a deep relationship with God, but also in deep friendships with a trusted circle of advisors.

5. Obedience Yields Peace
After setting our hearts right, being open to God-shaped decisions, and inviting wise counsel, God gives us one sure measure to verify a decision. Isaiah 32:17 assures us that the result of righteousness is peace. Whenever I’ve sensed God’s direction and obeyed (whether I liked what he said or not), I’ve experienced a deep and satisfying peace that confirms that right choice. When I’ve obeyed, I’ve become more aware of God’s leading in the next decision. Perhaps when I listen, he speaks more!

Following God’s will is simple—even if it isn’t easy. When I humble myself to God, draw on his promise to provide wisdom, and obey—even when I don’t want to—I experience his presence in every leadership decision I need to make.

Nicole Unice is a writer and speaker who serves in family and student ministry at Hope Church in Richmond, Virginia.

How Women Are Uniquely Gifted for Leadership

We are specially equipped for ministry.

As I duck out of sight of the gathering congregation, the church’s AV guy hands me a clip-on microphone. Patting myself around the waist and hip region, what I already know will be the case is confirmed: my lady clothes (ironically worn just for pulpit occasions like this one) have no belt, waistband, or pocket on which to latch or in which to drop the microphone’s power pack. If the congregation is to hear me today, I’ll simply have to shove it into my brassier, throw caution to the wind, and prayerfully hope that worshipers can think of something, anything, other than my rectangular left breast.

Today, this is the drawback of being a stylish woman in leadership.

There, are, though, other ways in which being a woman has uniquely gifted me and my sisters for leadership. Specifically, I’ve been noodling lately on how my female-ness has equipped me to engage with a world in need. Joining Christ in his ministry to those the world considers “the least of these,” I have discovered a few particular advantages I enjoy over my male counterparts.

Read ‘em and weep, boys. (For joy, of course.)

1. Shop ‘Til You Drop: Stewarding Resources

When an old man announced to me that women were the ones who chose where a family would live, and that women were the ones who bought the family’s groceries, and that women were the ones who shopped for the family’s clothes, I was a little peeved. Did he not realize that…

a. Not all women were married?
b. It was no longer 1950?
c. Most women were no longer sitting at home canning fruits and vegetables?

A few months later, though, I read a piece in my city’s indy newspaper about environmentally sensitive feminist women who were stewarding resources by producing food locally and canning their own fruits and vegetables. In the pages of the hip journal, and not from the lips of Ward Cleaver, it struck me as very progressive and empowering.

The truth, which had been clouded by weird mental images from Leave it to Beaver, is that many American women have real economic and social power. If women in the most traditional circumstances do—those who are married, with kids, who don’t work outside the home—as my man-friend was suggesting, then how much more influence do single women, working outside the home, possess!

When it comes to using one’s resources to bless a world in need, many women have more influence than we may imagine.

2. Trustworthy Strangers: Building Relational Bridges

I’m at a bus station, and a harried mom is trying to manage her tired-but-wired toddler. They both look like they have been traveling for a long time.

As I watch, a little exhausted by it, quite frankly, I’m reminded how happy I am that I’m not traveling with a toddler. I notice an energetic neighboring young woman begin to play Peek-a-Boo with the tike. Before long, he’s wandered over and they begin playing other games together. When he climbs up into her lap, she shows him the magazine she’s been reading. The mother breathes a deep sigh, as if sucking in oxygen for the first time all day, and slumps into her chair.

Since the young woman is a stranger, the mother won’t be taking a nap or heading outside for a smoke. I can see in her eyes, though, that she’s grateful for the mercy of a compassionate stranger.

And here’s the kicker: If the friendly stranger had been a man, doing exactly the same compassionate things, he wouldn’t have been a compassionate stranger. Regardless of his good intentions, he would have been considered —by virtue of his gender—a creepy stalker.

Something similar happened to me while driving along a major interstate about thirty minutes from my home. Noticing two small children toddling dangerously close to a major interstate highway, I stopped beside the broken-down car of a family of four. While the father of the family dealt with the car situation (sorry, that one’s a little sexist, right?) the mother willingly strapped her children into the empty car seats in my vehicle. The three of them came to my home for toys and snacks and naps until their journey continued in a rental car.

I feel pretty confident guessing that they would not have budged had I been a man.

For better or for worse—in this case, clearly better—being the more “vulnerable” gender gives us unique opportunities to connect with those who are vulnerable. It’s this weird upside-down kingdom privilege, granting women holy access in the lives of others.

3. Get Thee Behind Me: Avoiding (Some) Temptations

In Grand Rapids, my friend Annie runs a ministry called “Eve’s Angels.” Each week, Annie and her friends visit strip clubs in order to build relationships with the dancers and staff at the clubs.

Admittedly, the sight of a group of women, who look like they should actually be entering a nail salon or spa or Olive Garden, is confounding. Carrying a couple of hot pizzas, Annie and her friends quietly take a table. With permission, they share the pizza with the dancers and get to know them. No one announces that the women are sinners or that they’re going to hell. That would be weird, right? Instead, the visitors introduce themselves and learn more about the precious women who work in the club. They assure the women that God’s not calling them “whores” or “homewreckers.” Gently, kindly, they bear the good news that God loves them.

Though no one’s barring men from announcing good news about the inherent worth and belovedness of these women, spending time in strip clubs is, weirdly, a ministry that’s particularly suited to women.

There have got to be more of these, right? Talk to us, readers. Where do you see women ministering in roles for which their gender particularly equips them to serve?

Margot Starbuck is the author of the recently released Small Things With Great Love: Adventures in Loving Your Neighbor. More at www.MargotStarbuck.com.

Exciting News for eReaders

It’s a new day for book lovers

“I don’t think I’m going to buy this book. I don’t want it taking up space in our house.”

You never would have heard me say that two years ago. I’m a book lover. I love books for how they help me learn, explore the world, consider ideas, discover new places, get inside the minds of people, and better understand my own mind. I love them for their potential—when I look at a book, I’m tantalized by thoughts of what I might find in its pages. I love to read books, own them, smell, feel, and gaze lovingly at them. And I’ve been this way since I was four years old.

My husband is intimately familiar with my love for books, partly because, well, he’s my husband. But also because we have moved a lot. And he has had to lug boxes and boxes of books around the country, up the stairs, down the stairs, into truck, out of trucks, many times. Every time we’ve moved, he has begged me to get rid of books. I’ve usually discarded a few token titles but insisted on dragging the rest of them with us.

Then two years ago he bought me an eReader for my birthday. And everything changed.

The change happened slowly because I still love the feel of a book in my hands and because I had a large stack of books on my nightstand waiting to be read. But I starting using my eReader too, and eventually I got to the point where I became so enamored with the fact that I could hold an entire library in my hands, I all but stopped buying hard copies.
I didn’t realize I had made this switch until recently, when a few people recommended books to me and I got a bookstore gift card for Christmas. When I was investigating to see whether I wanted to buy them, I automatically checked first to see if eBook versions were available. In most cases, if they weren’t, I didn’t buy the books. I decided I didn’t want to add to the stacks of books in my house! I still love hard-copy books, but now only the most alluring can convince me to buy them in actual paper form.
Fortunately for people like me, the virtual world is full of wonderful eBooks. And publishers are creating more all the time.

As the publishing world is changing, we're changing too. I’m very excited to announce that we are now creating eBooks. We’ve recently released our first batch, some of which are specifically for women in leadership. And from now on, when you’re interested in one of our downloads for ministry, check your buying options at the bottom of the page. You may see the option to buy that download in eBook form.

So whether you’re looking to get your spirit fit to lead or you want to know what it means to be a woman in ministry, see our new selection of eBooks just for you. And watch for many more to come!

Amy Simpson is the editor of Gifted for Leadership and Kyria's Marriage Partnership and ParentConnect. She is the author of numerous resources for Christian ministry, including Into the Word: How to Get the Most from Your Bible.

Leadership, the AA Way

Getting real and leading authentically

I used to think Alcoholics Anonymous was all stale prayers and smoky church basements. I considered myself a distant admirer of the program, but even as a counselor, I didn’t want to get too close. AA was a good idea for some people, but surely it wasn’t relevant to my busy life of “making a difference” in women’s ministry.

Last summer my stereotypes were shattered through a course called “Substance Abuse and Society,” which gave me a firsthand glimpse into the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Like the church, AA encourages people to seek healing and growth. But sometimes unlike church, AA prizes authenticity—in a Jesus kind of way. I was surprised at how much I gleaned about leadership in those church basements. Take a journey through a few of the Twelve Steps to examine your authenticity as a leader:

Adding Authenticity

During a thunderous summer storm, a slim and attractive woman in her forties stepped behind the podium at an AA meeting. Her chunky pearl bracelet slid up her arm as she pulled the microphone toward her. “Hi, I’m Christy, and I’m an alcoholic.” During the next 30 minutes, Christy shared her journey to a sober life.

Her appraisal of herself, both in addiction and recovery, was gut-level honest. Yet she possessed strength that gave her an almost regal air. A huge thunderclap punctuated her closing words, “Surrendering saved my life.”

Christy reminded me of the woman Jesus spoke to at the well in Samaria. When Jesus confronted the woman with an honest appraisal of herself, she ran back to tell anyone who would listen that “he told me everything I ever did!” (John 4:39). The story goes on to say that many believed in Jesus as Savior because of her testimony. Christy and the woman at the well both recognized their need for a Savior after an honest appraisal of themselves. Honesty didn’t cripple them with self-condemnation. It transformed them into powerful witnesses of grace.
I consider myself a leader because of my ability to build consensus and solve problems. But serving God is about more than what I’m good at. It’s about what he’s doing in me to transform me into a witness of his grace and love. As a leader, do you strive to present yourself authentically? Do you resist the urge to “have it all together” for other leaders, church members, or friends? Are you willing to examine your own failings so that God might testify to his grace? Shedding the put-together image shifts the glory-spotlight back to where it belongs: on God’s power, not our own.

The Confession Factor

Anyone who has walked through the Twelve Steps of AA anticipates step 4 with wide-eyed trembling. Step 4 says I have made a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself. There are many ways to complete this step, but most agree that writing down one’s moral failures in the areas of fears, resentments, relationships with others, material possessions, and sexual integrity are important.

“I finally completed step 4,” a recovering alcoholic told me as we talked about his spiritual health. “I met my sponsor at 7-11 and I asked him if he was ready to hear my detailed confession. He directed me to a parked car outside. I was terrified.” He went on with a smile, “I spent about an hour telling this man about all the things I had done wrong. Turns out, it was a stranger my sponsor paid to be with me. My sponsor didn’t need to hear my junk. I just needed to hear it myself and be released in forgiveness.”

Jesus warned the Pharisees, some strict religious leaders of his day, that they were like “whitewashed tombs,” appearing beautiful on the outside while full of hypocrisy on the inside (Matthew 23:27-28). The temptation to point others to clarity while avoiding it ourselves is strong. As leaders, recognizing the true landscape of our hearts is a step, like Jesus said, in cleaning out our insides.

Searching and Fearless?

As leaders, we must be willing to face our own issues with both a “searching” and a “fearless” heart. Richard Foster shares his own journey of self-examination in Celebration of Discipline: “I did not take the difficult step of laying bare my inner life to another out of any deep burden or sense of sin. I did not feel there was anything wrong in the least—except one thing. I longed for more power to do the work of God. I felt inadequate to deal with many of the desperate needs that confronted me.”

Before my AA transformation, I was happy to keep my sins between God and me. As I began to share my true heart with my mentors and teammates, I was shocked by the grace and compassion I received—much more than I was giving myself. I discovered that my own self-driven perceptions and expectations were misdirected. When I openly shared my weaknesses, my team understood that I am a leader who makes decisions out of my own brokenness, and that I can’t do it alone. Confession provided much-needed correction.

We cannot teach about the power in God’s forgiveness if we haven’t first subjected ourselves to its work. Do you have at least two people in your life who know where you are tempted to sin? Do you allow others to speak into your life and encourage you to pursue spiritual health? The result of such fearless soul-searching is a release of God’s power to work in and through you in all areas of life, particularly as a leader.

The Humility Step

AA describes humility as “another great dividend we may expect from confiding our defects to another human being.” A man in his sixties told me, “I’m just a selfish guy. By helping others in the program I keep myself sober.” His gruff demeanor couldn’t hide his sincere and humble heart. He had a clear understanding of who he was—a recovering alcoholic equipped to help, and be helped by, others on the journey.

As leaders, we should seek to understand who we are outside of Christ. Another mentor once said, “I thought about the trajectory my life would be on without Jesus working on my heart. I know I would be a self-obsessed person set on greed and ambition.” When we understand who we really are, we appreciate our influence and power as leaders with humility. We are willing to allow God to control the outcomes of our sincere attempts as leaders. We want others to provide contribution and direction, because we don’t base our self-worth on the results of our leadership.

Talking about our past ways and current “drunken” areas—however large or small they are—keeps us from stumbling in pride. 1 Timothy 1:16 reminds us, “God had mercy on me so that Christ Jesus could use me as a prime example of his great patience with even the worst sinners.” Accepting grace requires understanding need. Reminding ourselves of our own brokenness and sin removes the “us and them” mentality that can creep into ministry leadership. It keeps us as desperate for Jesus as the people we desire to serve.
As in the AA way, we should seek clarity on who we are apart from Christ, and make sincere attempt to move toward who he wants us to be in him. As a leader, do you have a grasp on your strengths and weaknesses? Do you encourage others around you to recognize their strengths and accept their weaknesses?

The Devotion Quotient

AA members know that devotion is critical for success in recovery. Day or night, a recovery group is probably meeting near your home. “It only works if you work it” is the mantra of every AA meeting, and newbies are encouraged to attend meetings daily.

In a particularly busy season of ministry, I found myself struggling to keep up with the demands of leadership, motherhood, and counseling. I met with a trusted mentor who gently asked me, “Are you more in love with your Creator—or his creation?” The tyranny of the ministry to-do list makes it easy to forget that I must hear from God in order to follow his direction. Above all else, my heart must be devoted to God—who he is as my father and Lord. As a leader, do you ruthlessly prioritize personal devotion? Do you spend time each day creating space for God?

Unity Dividends

“AA leaders at one point considered removing the name of God from the 12 steps,” explained my class instructor. “In a vote, the majority chose to change the language, but many disagreed. In the spirit of unity, they decided to keep it the way it was.”

In the spirit of unity, I mused in class, twiddling my pencil. I wrote in my notebook, “How often do I sacrifice my own agenda in the ‘spirit of unity’ ” Over the coming months, I began to listen to the way I asserted myself in my team. Was I willing to listen with an open heart, allowing the possibility that my mind could be changed? Was I willing to sacrifice my own ideas for the greater good of the ministry or the church? Unity in ministry sets us apart as Christians. It speaks to our desire to “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21). A group of leaders who listen to one another’s burdens, love each other in their weaknesses, and submit to one another is a powerful testimony of what it means to be like Jesus.

The Tissue Variable

I stepped up to teach a large-group Bible study last week in a full sob. My heart was heavy. The burdens of those I love and counsel seemed much bigger than I could handle. Special music at the beginning of class evoked surprising emotion, and I didn’t suppress my tears. My introduction question went from a smooth tie-in to the biblical narrative to “does anyone have a tissue?”

I felt exposed and raw. And it felt right. Leadership doesn’t always look like strength. But if it’s real, it is powerful.


The Authenticity Quotient Quiz:
1. I can readily name a couple of areas of temptation to sin.
Always Sometimes Rarely Never

2. I maintain the same sense of self at home, at work, and in ministry.
Always Sometimes Rarely Never

3. I regularly take time to take a “searching and fearless moral inventory” with God and with myself.
Always Sometimes Rarely Never

4. I have confessed my sins, fears, and/or insecurities with a trusted friend.
Always Sometimes Rarely Never

5. I have sacrificed my own agenda for the sake of my team.
Always Sometimes Rarely Never

6. I consistently seek ways to promote unity within my ministry team and the church as a whole.
Always Sometimes Rarely Never

7. People who know me well would consider me humble.
Always Sometimes Rarely Never

8. My devotion to Jesus comes before anything else in ministry.
Always Sometimes Rarely Never

9. I can name several of my strengths and weaknesses.
Always Sometimes Rarely Never

Give 3 points for Always, 2 for Sometimes, 1 for Rarely, 0 for Never.

23-27 points: you have a good grasp on authentic leadership. Your example is a model for others to experience the freedom of authentic relationship with God and others.

17-23 points: You have areas of authenticity in your leadership, but also some growth opportunities. Consider why you’ve needed to mask yourself in leadership, and how you can take the next step in authenticity.

10-17 points: Genuineness seems to be an issue for you. Perhaps past difficulties have created some patterns of relating where you feel you have to “act” a certain way. Consider asking a trusted friend if he/she agrees with your assessment, then act on incorporating some of these areas into your life.

0-10 points: Red Alert! You are headed for ministry injury—to yourself or others. Read this article or this issue of the Kyria digital magazine to find ways of relating more authentically. Or consider visiting an AA meeting as a guest to experience an environment of humility, confession, and devotion that can inspire you to make some much-needed changes.

Nicole Unice is a writer and speaker who serves in family and student ministry at Hope Church in Richmond, Virginia.

5 Types of Critics in Your Church

Is It God’s Will?

How Women Are Uniquely Gifted for Leadership

Exciting News for eReaders