Justice in Real Life
My life gets crazy. I’m a mom. I have diapers to change, groceries to buy, and lunches to make. I’m a writer, a speaker and a church leader. I have things to write, talks to give, and issues to raise. Between keeping up with the kids, paying the bills, and following my calling, most days I’m happy if I can squeeze in the luxurious “me moment” of a shower.
But as a follower of Christ I also know that I am called to love my neighbor as Jesus did—by proclaiming good news to the poor, freedom for prisoners, sight for the blind, and to set the oppressed free (as mentioned in Luke 4). Seeking justice for others in these ways is at the heart of what it means to follow Christ. It’s not just a call for some Christians; it’s for all of us – including us busy leaders.
But it can be hard to figure out how I can be seeking justice for others in the midst of my chaotic life.
Continue reading...Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on December 23, 2009 | Comments (10)
The High Cost of Cheap
I love a bargain. Whether I’m buying clothing, groceries, or other supplies, I enjoy knowing I got a deal. I can even dress it up in spiritual clothes, claiming I’m being a “good steward” of my resources by being thrifty.
Unfortunately, cheap sometimes has a hidden price tag. The prices of certain goods—from soccer balls to candy bars—are low because the people who produce them are paid little or nothing for their labor. The laborers in sweatshops and harvesters on plantations pay a dear price so that we can have, by our own admission, too much food and too much stuff.
I love bargains, but I also want to live a compassionate life—and lead others to do the same. To do so, I must look beyond the price tag on an item to its hidden price.
Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on October 23, 2009 | Comments (12)
The Joy of Communion
Every night, I ask my two-year-old son a question: What should we thank God for today? In the months we have engaged in this practice, Quinn’s thanksgivings have included noodles, his friend Lily and raisins.
One night during Lent, perched on my lap in the dark of his room, Quinn returned my question with one of his own: “I eat Christ?”
I was sure I had heard him wrong. So I asked my question again. “I eat Christ.” This time, a declaration. What a strange and disturbing thing for him to say, I thought. What are they teaching him in the nursery at church? I mumbled something about thanking God for Quinn, our family and our friends. I said, “Amen,” and Quinn responded in kind.
A few days later, he tried again. Same question, same response.
“I eat Christ.” This time, Quinn turned his palms skyward and placed his right hand over his left, in front of his heart. As if to emphasize his point, he added, “At church.”
He has been watching us.
Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on October 2, 2009 | Comments (8)
Following Fearlessly When the Stakes Are Raised
Last month, after my husband declared his candidacy for State Rep, a man from church pulled me aside to ask if I was worried about how this would affect our family. “What with the dirt-digging on you guys and all,” he said.
When I said no and “rested" my case by asking him if he even knew the name of our current rep’s wife or kids (he didn’t even know the name of our current rep!), I meant it. I was not worried. Of all the things that stressed me about an impending campaign, an invasion of family privacy was not on the list.
For one reason: I expose my family for a living, essentially. Whether in my books (the one that’s out there or the one that’s coming), my blogs, magazine articles, or when I’m out speaking to women, I share my messy life (which includes my messy family) as openly and honestly as I can. While this is not to say I share every last juicy detail or share every private moment, I do try to drag as many skeletons out of the closet as possible. It’s the only thing I know to kill off those otherwise powerful skeletons. It’s the way I feel called to live. And it’s the way I feel called to lead as I encourage others to do the same.
And that’s been fine—great actually—for the kind of leadership I’ve experienced thus far. But this man’s question raised a new question for me: Would this type of “tell all” leadership always be appropriate? How would I know when to stop or pull back?
Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on September 1, 2009 | Comments (7)
False Distinction Between Gifts and Roles
When was the last time you took a spiritual gifts inventory or answered a church survey to see how God might be leading you to serve in your church? Maybe you are in ministry to women who have particular gifts and talents, but they need guidance in knowing how they translate to the community of believers. Many people have knowledge or insight about their gifts before they even pick up the pencil to fill out a questionnaire, but these instruments can become wonderfully useful tools of discovery for the church.
But I pause to consider if some women in the church, instead of searching for ways to use or discover their gifts, are actively suppressing the identification and use of them as a twisted act of selflessness, or perhaps - and equally as worrisome - they are confusing gifts with roles. GFL's managing editor Caryn Rivadeniera's recent book, Mama's Got a Fake I.D., has caused me to examine this issue a bit closer. In my review of her book on my blog, I offer a possible reason why embracing this aspect of identity is difficult for some women, attributing it to a contemporary form of asceticism - a denial of pleasures for some sort of spiritual attainment.
Some women, I am learning, are uncomfortable discussing their spiritual gifts if they are not identical to how they function in their roles, because for them these gifts might overshadow what they perceive to be the true functions of a woman, wife, or mom.
Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on May 5, 2009 | Comments (14)
Why I Bought the Green Bible
Happy Earth Day! I'd like to take advantage of this special time when our thoughts are focused on the planet to talk about the Green Bible, last year's release from HarperOne. In case you missed the hullabaloo, this book is a NRSV Bible that includes a 100% natural cover (created in an environmentally-friendly plant), soy-based inks, and 10% post-consumer paper with the rest originating from "well-managed forests." It includes essays, Bible studies, poetry, and other environment-related commentary from today's leading Christian environmentalists. But the real difference is in the text itself: verses which reference nature or creation - over 1,000 of them - are printed in green ink.
Our friends down the hall at Christianity Today magazine and the Out of Ur blog reviewed the Bible and had little to say by way of compliments. Brandon O'Brien found the Green Bible interesting, but not particularly useful, and Telford Work called it "an ideological fashion accessory, and a vehicle for promoting conventional progressive environmentalism." If that sounds a bit harsh, you should read the blog comments from readers appalled at this Bible's seeming plant-and-animal worship.
Let me add a different voice to the debate and submit that this is a valuable and enriching addition to your Bible collection.
Continue reading...Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on April 22, 2009 | Comments (4)
When Women Cling
Today I had to have a tough conversation. A friend of mine has become invasive, ignoring boundaries I have in place. For a couple of weeks she called everyday three or four times a day and sent multiple emails (there was no emergency or urgent need). One day when I hadn't responded to calls or email due to a busy schedule and prior commitments she just dropped by. I wasn't impressed at all and we proceeded to have a very awkward and cool visit. After praying several days for wisdom on how to approach this I invited her out for coffee and dove in. I talked about how I want my time and life to be respected and about how desperate she appears she admitted that she does in fact feel that way at times. I asked if she could allow me the space and time to call her back as it suits me and she said her greatest fear was that I may never return her call.
How do we get to the place where we are looking to someone else to provide our value for us? What goes wrong when women cling to their female friends in a way that only drives them away?
Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on March 13, 2009 | Comments (16)
Life in a Snow Globe
There is something magical about a snow globe. A child's eyes fill with wonder every time one is shaken. The snow swirls around the scene until it finally settles motionless on the bottom - until someone shakes it again.
When I unpacked my Christmas decorations this year, I found a treasured snow globe wrapped in brown paper. I shook it, and waited for the snow to settle, I imagined what it would be like to live inside. I began to picture myself in an idyllic Christmas scene, and then chuckled when I realized that when the holidays roll around, I DO live in a snow globe. When the holiday rush hits, it seems like someone has shaken my world.
The holidays bring extra stresses. Juggling the additional to-do lists can feel like trying to walk in a blizzard. In most homes these responsibilities fall on the women. Often we're the ones expected to make our family's season merry and bright. Decorating, gift buying and wrapping, cooking, party planning, card sending.... The list goes on. It's easy to get caught up trying to make everything look and taste Martha Stewart perfect.
Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on December 16, 2008 | Comments (2)
Living Fearlessly
Two days ago, my daughter and I stood in line at IKEA. Halfway through loading our "small stuff" onto the conveyor belt and repositioning the "big stuff" (I'd tell you what it all was but it would ruin some Christmas surprises!) in the cart, the woman at the register held up her hand, stop-style.
The credit card for the people ahead of us wasn't going through, and she needed to call a manager. Those of us in the rather long line followed her head around the front of the store as she looked for the manager. Then we noticed all the other people in other lines (and if you've been to IKEA, you know there are a lot of lines!) were doing the same thing. Then someone yelled (or said pretty loudly) out, "It might be a problem with the banks. The cards aren't going through?."
And in that moment, I thought, Well, here we are: in IKEA (munching on a bag of Swedish fish I haven't yet paid for), the moment the entire banking system finally collapsed.
Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on November 28, 2008 | Comments (12)
Good News Indeed!
Cultivating the right to share your faith means building respect. Sometimes this seed is sown for years, but many times it's overnight. Pray where God would like you to embark, and then ask questions. "How can I pray for you?" might help console a depressed friend.
Continue reading...Posted by Bonnie McMaken on November 18, 2008 | Comments (0)
Angry at the Wrong People
Last week a former colleague from my first job out of college (I'll call him Bob) found me on Facebook. Within moments of accepting his friend request, we were leaving jokey notes on each others' pictures and status updates. It was so fun to reconnect with someone I had once shared so many laughs at work.
But then he noticed a picture of my husband standing next to one of those life-sized cut-outs of Sarah Palin and John McCain. Bob wrote on my wall: "Is your husband really standing next to Palin/McCain? If so, why?" So I sent back a jokey note explaining the picture. Apparently, I wasn't so amusing since Bob immediately sent me a message saying I had to tell him right then if my husband supported Republicans or if I, in fact, had ever voted Republican. He said in no uncertain terms that he could not be my friend if either of us had.
Still hoping he was kidding, I made light. The tone and content of his email meant business. He was dead serious. It was bad enough I was a Christian. He wanted nothing doing with someone who might share the "vile beliefs" of Christians and/or conservatives.
Here's the deal: My friend Bob is gay.
Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on October 28, 2008 | Comments (36)
What's Missing In Friendship
Are we missing something in today's relationships with our friends?
I'm beginning to think that women's relationships are not what they use to be. Over the last few weeks, I've had repeated discussions about this. A complete stranger, a new friend I'd just met, and an old friend that I was having dinner with have each brought it up in conversation unprompted.
I think God is trying to tell me something.
In each case the discussion has led into how these women are tired of superficial living. That they have each reached points in their lives where they feel that everyone around them is putting on a good face, that their friendships are surface only, and that they themselves are tired of living this way. They want to get real. And they want me to join them.
And I have to say that I agree. But, for a long time I've felt it was just me. A pet peeve that I've had.
But is it something more?
Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on October 24, 2008 | Comments (23)
Loving Your Prodigal
What can parents do to bring their prodigal back home, literally or figuratively?
With our daughter, we maintained a relationship with her throughout her struggle. I think keeping a connection is an essential part of loving your prodigal child. As difficult as it can be, parents need to stay in contact with that child. Don't cut them off. Show your love for them. That doesn't mean you accept what they're doing. In fact, we were always clear with Sheryl that we didn't like her lifestyle. Your child might say, "What I'm doing is me. If you don't accept that, you don't accept me." If that happens, it's important to say, "You are not your behavior or your lifestyle. You have value apart from what you do. And we love you as a person. We value you as a person."
Continue reading...Posted by Bonnie McMaken on October 20, 2008 | Comments (0)
Marriage: A Story Shared
"You were so young." That's what most people say when they look at the wedding picture displayed in our living room. And we were young - twenty-three and twenty-two, in a culture where the average age for first marriages is 26.7 years. And to add to that, we had only known each other fourteen months and had never lived in the same state. In hindsight I wonder if, to some people, our wedding eight years ago today looked like it was headed for disaster - our reckless choices leading to that one moment when one of us would wake up wondering, "Who is this strange person I married? And why did I make this commitment?"
Not that we haven't asked that first question, but, thank God, it has not been disastrous. After several months of marriage, Justin told me that he had thought I would love going to rock concerts. (I don't - too much smoke and noise.) And I was disappointed that, on Saturday mornings, he wanted to stay in bed (amazing!) while I launched myself into the blissful, productive, freedom of the weekend.
Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on October 14, 2008 | Comments (6)
The One Necessary Thing
This coming March, my husband and I will welcome our first child into the world. The past four months have brought surprises around every corner, but none so surprising as the day I discovered the stereotypes that prevail in my own mind about women, mothers, and daughters.
Early one morning, my husband found me sobbing in our living room. He anxiously asked me what was wrong and I sobbed, "I'm going to be a terrible mother." The night before, during an inevitable bout of insomnia, I had happened upon the blog of a young mother living somewhere in middle America. This mother's blog was filled with accounts of life with her two daughters. Days spent contentedly making crafts together. Handmade Easter dresses and matching baskets. Little Princess mermaid parties complete with handmade mermaid outfits and pink party favors. Shopping and personalized embroidered clothing.
I've spent 23 of my 30 years pursuing some kind of education. I'm much more comfortable in lecture halls and libraries than I am in craft stores and at parties. So when I read this mother's blog, I was overwhelmed by the possibility I was not fit for motherhood. I don't like shopping. I don't like pink. I don't know the first thing about party favors. How in the world would I be competent to raise a daughter?
Continue reading...Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on October 3, 2008 | Comments (8)
Voting Christian
"I won't tell you how to vote. Just vote Christian," the Midwestern mega-church pastor announced from the pulpit to his flock of thousands.
The year was 2004 and unease had begun to blanket the nation. Questions regarding the "axis of evil" rhetoric were being raised. Many were surprised to learn that other countries considered America itself to embody the label.
We had a pro-life president and found ourselves engaged in a tremendously complex war. Believers were faced with the dissonant feeling that, in some ways, the truth had been stretched and our patriotism had been exploited.
It was a time when many felt our faith became unnecessarily tangled (and mangled) in the political arena. Evangelical Christians were expected to vote Republican, leaving believers who preferred the Democratic candidate scratching their heads, wondering where they might fit.
Four years have passed, but it doesn't appear that much has changed.
Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on September 26, 2008 | Comments (17)
Why I’m Glad Sarah Palin Didn’t Speak for Women
Not a whole lot of people can say this: Sarah Palin was my mayor. I spent a few years living in Wasilla, Alaska, when Palin was mayor there, before she became governor of the state. My husband worked in a local church, our oldest daughter was born in the community hospital, and our dog regularly barked at the moose that hung out in our front yard.
By Alaskan standards, Wasilla is actually a community of significant size. But by most standards, it's a small town in a remote state, and it's full of independent, high-spirited people who go a little crazy in the winter and don't sleep much in the summer because the sun is shining and they want to make the most of it. They eat moose meat and salmon and ride snowmachines (and in case you watched the speech last night and were wondering, a "snowmachine" is what most of us call a "snowmobile"). They think something is ancient if it was there before 1990, they build their houses by hand, and they wish they had a Target somewhere in the state.
Continue reading...Posted by Amy Simpson on September 4, 2008 | Comments (20)
Ceiling-Shattering Election Season
A few moments ago, as I looked over my friend's Facebook status updates (if you're not on Facebook.com, these are sentences people write to tell everyone what they're doing, thinking, or feeling), I saw that each update sizzled with election fever. And what's not to be excited about?
No matter what "side" you're on, no matter which issues matter most to you, or no matter whom you'll vote for, we're looking at history in the making. And that rocks.
Last night many of us were electrified by Barack Obama's dazzling speech. This morning many of us were cheering on Sarah Palin - a governing mom! - as John McCain's presidential running mate.
Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on August 29, 2008 | Comments (8)
I Had an Affair
We drove into the Rocky Mountains to a small retreat center. With our hopes high and our hearts still aching, we entered the weekend eager to heal. The days included group meetings where volunteer couples modeled good communication skills, then gave us a topic to discuss. Throughout the weekend Allen and I rehashed recent events, talked about the kids, money, forgiveness, and our future. We were able to break through some walls of hardness and spent a lot of time crying, laughing, and holding each other.
Posted by Bonnie McMaken on August 18, 2008 | Comments (3)
Feeling Like a Big Nothing
It's happened more than once during the course of a conversation. Somehow, we get to the topic of "formal education" and next we're talking about the Masters degree my husband earned. Discovering that he has one is always of great interest, and after the usual questions as to what subject it's in and from which graduate school it came from, etc., etc., everyone within earshot of the conversation looks very pleased to have learned about it. It's as though the listeners discovered yet another reason to like my husband just a little bit more than they did moments ago.
What most people won't learn during that same conversation is this little secret: I have a Masters degree too. If Steve doesn't proudly offer the information out (thanks, Steve!), it's rare that people will ask about it.
I'm not entirely sure why. I imagine that there's the great fear that Steve married the only female from his generation who flunked Kindergarten and wants nothing to do with "book-learnin'." How awkward would that discovery be? The smiles would melt off their faces, and they'd have to start pitying Steve for his degree instead of being happy for him. Maybe that's why no one asks.
Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on August 1, 2008 | Comments (14)
The Life You’ve Always Wanted (in Bed)
Here's a good question: Does God want you to have a better sex life?
This week my teammate and friend Brandon O'Brien posted an article on Out of Ur that we thought our Gifted for Leadership friends might like to discuss. Read the article below and post your thoughts. You can also read it in its original context on Out of Ur (you might join the discussion there as well).
"A number of churches are now preaching a message I never heard from the pulpit growing up: God wants you to have sex. Lots of sex. Great sex. All for his glory, of course.
"In February 2008, Relevant Church of Tampa, Florida, issued a "30-Day Sex Challenge" during their sermon series on relationships. Married couples were exhorted to have some form of intercourse - and singles to abstain - every day for a month.
"Last month, New Direction Christian Church (Memphis, Tennessee) conducted its own ?40 Nights of Grrreat Sex' program. The pastoral staff handed out daily planners with suggestions for mixing things up. They set up a blog so members could ask questions - and presumably offer advice - anonymously. I hope they also have plans to increase their children's ministry budget in the coming months.
Posted by Amy Simpson on July 25, 2008 | Comments (22)
Food for Thought
Some Christian couples focus on raising children. Kids are an exquisite, priceless gift from God, and raising them is one of God's primary purposes for marriage.
But what if a couple is not able to bear children? Even if a couple does bear children or adopt, the child-rearing period of life comes to an end. Our marriage will last longer than the years our nest is full.
Some couples share the goal of getting ahead - succeeding in careers, getting out of debt, finally getting that dream house. Those shared dreams can indeed bring a couple together, but once they are achieved - or never achieved - what's left?
Posted by Bonnie McMaken on July 7, 2008 | Comments (0)
World-Changing Politics
When mega-church pastor Rick Warren invited Senator Hillary Clinton to his AIDS conference at Saddleback Church, some Christians applauded - others branded him a liberal traitor. So goes the long-running debate on what constitutes a "proper" Evangelical public policy. As "salt and light" what role does political engagement play in our efforts to influence culture?
That is a question I have been mulling lately. Raised from the "cradle" by the "Religious Right," my views on societal transformation were initially shaped by close affiliation with the Republican Party, as well as petitions and protests against abortion and gay rights. In Bible college, I stood along Lancaster Drive in Salem, Oregon, with hundreds of other protesters holding signs that read "Abortion Kills." While I have since departed from many of my ultra-conservative roots, I still face daily decisions about how I, as a Christian, will respond to cultural concerns.
Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on July 5, 2008 | Comments (6)
Jesus and Fried Chicken
There was a time when I believed the Great American Idea that your autobiography is your own personal story. Now, after years of exposure to a rich variety of people, customs, and traditions, I realize that our own personal stories are inextricably linked to the stories of our fathers, our mothers, and the people of our culture.
For over a hundred years, most of the members of my family were cotton farmers, people of the earth who had left the luxuries of Western Europe to try their hand in a new land. They had enough courage to traverse the Atlantic and half of the continental United States territory in search of a better life. They had enough grit and determination to prevail through both the Great Depression and the Dust Bowl of Oklahoma. They were a pragmatic, hard-working lot of people who gave little thought to their relationship with God. Jesus was reserved for Sundays - right along with fried chicken, sweet corn on the cob, and creamy mashed potatoes smothered with thick gravy. There was no real relationship with God, only a religion that had little to do with daily life on the cotton farm.
Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on June 6, 2008 | Comments (19)
Putting Relationship in Its Place
Last weekend was spent doing one of those uber-stressful things: buying a car. We are a one-car family and tend to drive our cars until they die and our trusty Sebring could no longer be trusted so it was time to replace it. For us, a major purchase like this is almost traumatic. We are very careful and have a purchasing style that might drive others insane.
Like the time we spent an entire weeks vacation deciding on the perfect dining room table. Or the time we went to five different stores to compare blenders.
And then there was the vacuum cleaner.
You might chalk it up to good stewardship, but that is probably too noble. At any rate all these purchases were made with strict attention, so you can imagine if it takes us a week to buy a table - well, let's just say buying a car is a really big deal. Pressured by the looming death of our Sebring leaving us "carless," we weathered the stressful gauntlet of various dealerships and salesmen. By Friday night we had narrowed it down to two different options, and by Saturday morning we had decided on a used Element.
But then we looked at the new ones.
Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on May 16, 2008 | Comments (2)
Prodigal in the House—Part II
Earlier this year in "Part I," I shared some practical lessons learned during our daughter's defiant teen years. This time I will approach things from a spiritual vantage point.
Looking back over our experience I now appreciate the gift time game me, perspective. We weathered many long years of our daughter's adolescent rebellion and learned many lessons. Here are a few:
1. Cling to your faith.
Until I experienced our prodigal's rebellion this statement seemed trite. Over time Satan tempts us to doubt that the Lord is working on our behalf. When this temptation was greatest I asked myself how giving up on my faith would make things better. I realized it would only make things worse.
Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on April 8, 2008 | Comments (12)
Food for Thought
When Jesus spoke with people, they had his complete attention. The Bible does not say, "And while he sanded wood and kept watch on a pot of stew, Jesus said ?" He simply listened, then responded. Individually and compassionately.
In Jesus' meeting with the woman at the well - his longest one-on-one conversation ever recorded in Scripture - she was amazed a Jew was even willing to speak to a Samaritan: "How can you ask me for a drink?" (John 4:9). The disciples were taken aback, too, when they "returned and were surprised to find him talking with a woman" (John 4:27).
Continue reading...Posted by Bonnie McMaken on March 31, 2008 | Comments (1)
Competitive Balancing
I spent my morning reading the book Ten Apples Up On Top to my three-year-old. For those of you not currently engaging a preschooler in your daily lives, let me give you the quick plot summary of Ten Apples Up On Top.
A lion, a dog, and a tiger compete with one another to see who can stack the most apples on his head. They start with the simple act of balancing the apples. But soon the have to resort to doing tricks while balancing the apples - jumping rope, climbing a tree, walking on a tightrope, roller skating, and on and on. By the time they have all reached the ten titular apples, they have started working together, even encouraging one another in their efforts. But then the bear comes along.
For some reason, the bear is not impressed with all this apple balancing. So she starts chasing the three friends with her mop in hand, ready to knock those apples off. She is soon joined by the rest of her bear family as well as by a flock of birds who want those apples in a bad way. A frenzied chase ensues which leads to?.
Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on March 14, 2008 | Comments (1)
Food, Culture, and True Communion
Sometimes I am reticent to invite people over for dinner. I wish I weren't, but I am. This is why: I am tired of people talking about their personal food preferences. Any given day, I can easily list off several friends or acquaintances who are following some sort of individualized diet - weight loss or not. There's the standard vegetarians, vegans, all types of intolerances, simple likes and dislikes, and now, the winner of the Oxford University Press Word of the Year 2007, "Localvore." Localvores are people who eat only food produced within a hundred-mile radius of their home.
Funny thing: I'm kind of a localvore. My husband and I own a share in a CSA (community supported agriculture) farm, own another share of a dairy herd, and purchase meat from local farmers. But when I go out, I keep my localvore locked in my house.
Why? Because I love communion.
Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on March 11, 2008 | Comments (10)
My Night with Dennis Quaid
There I sat, scarfing down oily-popcorn, with my eyes bugging open as I starred at the giant screen. Dennis Quaid, playing a secret service agent, was barreling down a Spanish street in a snazzy car as he chased down the bad guys. My adrenaline was pumping, my teeth were chomping, my ears were ringing from the sound effects - and I finally had a smile on my face.
See, it had been a really tough two weeks for me. My children had both been sick with influenza and digestive problems (I'll spare you the gross details) and I'd been completely homebound for 15 days. Night after night of my husband and I getting up with the kids was really wearing on me. I was behind on my work. I was stressed out. I was beginning to feel truly depressed.
I knew that I wasn't just feeling "down." This was different. I was in a persistent funk and it was beginning to weigh heavily. I felt completely unmotivated to do anything. I hadn't been to church at all, hadn't picked up my Bible, and had hardly prayed (beyond entreating God to please make my kids' medication work). I felt sad, stressed out, and very discouraged.
Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on March 7, 2008 | Comments (2)
Prodigal in the House
Have you ever tried to wake up from a nightmare only to find that you were awake? That's how I felt when our "perfect" daughter became a strong-willed, rebellious teen. The transition seemed as quick as switching TV channels. It caught us totally unprepared.
Although we made many mistakes during our five-year ordeal, we learned a lot. As a pastor's family, we faced the added pressure of being the role model for our church on how to handle this. Actually, we were clueless. We didn't know to buckle in for what seemed to be a long roller coaster ride in the dark.
We learned many lessons and gained new perspective the hard way. My husband, Charles, and my daughter, Heather, wrote about our adventures in Daughters Gone Wild, Dads Gone Crazy. We certainly don't claim to have all the answers, but I share from the vantage point of having lived through it and survived, even in the fish bowl of ministry. Here are a few lessons I learned:
Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on February 8, 2008 | Comments (16)
Food for Thought
Working through winter may not be "fun" or "exciting," like sledding down a steep hill or a ski trip to Vail. But when couples persevere and take positive steps to improve their marriage, they emerge stronger, more committed, and better able to work through their differences. By extending peace, even in the midst of pain and alienation, countless couples have discovered deep healing and even deeper intimacy. When two people choose to love again, the melting ice of winter will water the seeds of spring.
Continue reading...Posted by Rachel Willoughby on February 4, 2008 | Comments (3)
Lead as You Are
After a difficult morning filled with tantrums, a sass mouth, and general disobedience from my normally lovely preschool-aged daughter, I lost it. As we walked back to the car after dropping my son at kindergarten - or I should say as I walked and she stomped through every snow drift I told her to avoid - she yelled ahead to me, "Mom, STOP! I want to be the LEADER!"
At that, I turned around and nearly hissed, "Honey, to be the leader, you need to be the fastest and the best. You can't lead acting like that!" I know what you're thinking: That belongs in the annals of mothering wisdom right up there with "Eat your vegetables" and "Mind your manners." NOT!
Nearly as soon as I said these ridiculous words, shock and shame hit. Not only because I had said them in such an ugly way to my little girl, but because I think I believed what I said. And that exposes a huge hypocrisy in me.
Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on January 29, 2008 | Comments (8)
Food for Thought
I was a reporter for 12 years. One of the first things I learned in researching a story was "garbage in, garbage out." If your raw data is flawed, you end up with a faulty conclusion. The same is true with how we see ourselves. If we lack self-confidence, maybe we're working with flawed data.
The reality is, in hundreds of subtle ways, our culture, family, friends - even our thought life - conspire to undermine our confidence. We grow up in families void of affirmation, encouragement, and respect - the building blocks to self-confidence. Then we find ourselves smack dab in the middle of a world that lionizes Size Two Hollywood starlets and Barbie-doll figures. Our paycheck, our title, our designer labels, or some other artificial yardstick gives us temporary entree into the world of The Accepted. But in our hearts, we know it isn't real. How do we find our way to the truth?
Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on January 28, 2008 | Comments (2)
Wise Living, Online
I am not a particularly jealous person. But in recent months, feelings of envy well up in me regularly whenever I do one thing: browse the photo website of an old friend who lives, with her husband and daughter, across the country. Her husband is a fabulous photographer and cleverly captions the pictures of their adorable one-year old.
The odd part is that I'm not actually jealous of my friend. I love my life and my own sweet family, and I don't in fact want hers. So the inevitable envy I felt when viewing the photos was baffling.
Eventually I realized that the photo site itself was the issue rather than my friend's life. Each posted album displays comical moments, smiley faces, sunny days. As I click through on my laptop, my table is messy and my two-year old cranky? And from thence springs the envy.
Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on December 18, 2007 | Comments (13)
The Gift of Being Real
I should've trusted the worship leaders at my church more - but I didn't. So when the video rolled and the cheesy, deep, deejayish voice announced, "And now, a Thanksgiving presentation?" I rolled my eyes. Oh, boy. Here we go, I thought. The opening scenes of a smiling, neatly sweatered man sitting in an upholstered chair with two fancily dressed toddlers on his lap and several preschoolers surrounding him did nothing to stop my continued disgust. And as the sweatered man began reminiscing about his perfect childhood Thanksgiving gatherings and started in about the joys of being surrounded by his children and nieces and nephews, I thought, This is like a Saturday Night Live skit! If this is how we present our Thanksgivings, no wonder they make fun of Christians!
But then the kids onscreen start getting mouthy and squirming impatiently, and the sweatered man rolled his eyes and yelled, "Cut!" Ha-ha! The reason it seemed like sketch comedy was because it was. I laughed along with the congregation as the man's attempts to produce a perfect Thanksgiving memory got more and more pathetic. We laughed as his brothers teased him in the background. We laughed when the kids threw tantrums and misbehaved. We laughed when the whole thing ended in an on-camera family argument. We laughed because, as Homer Simpson says, "It's funny because it's true."
What was so refreshing about this video is that it gave all of us that morning license to admit publicly - through our collective laughter - that holidays can be harsh, that they rarely live up to expectations, and that our families all are broken in some way. In short, it gave us a glimpse of reality. A glimpse that is more often than not overshadowed by our attempts to portray the perfect Christian families - especially during the holidays.
Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on November 23, 2007 | Comments (5)
Gossips Anonymous
A little while back, I learned a very juicy (and heartbreaking) tidbit of info. While I was dying to follow up with a "Why? What happened?" I didn't. I simply said I'd pray for the people involved but wouldn't talk about it anymore. And although immediately five friends sprang to mind who would LOVE to hear this tidbit, I didn't call or email any of them. Not because I'm so righteous or so above gossip. Instead it's because I'm so broken and am a gossip - albeit, one in "recovery."
You see, a few years ago after working through a "fearless moral inventory" of myself, of all the bad things I am (jealous, materialistic, judgmental?) gossip really rose to the top (the cream of my sins, you might say) as something that eats at my soul and hinders my Christian life. While I was never the type of gossip who'd start rumors or betray a confidence, I certainly listened to rumors and to others betray confidences (thinking this was okay since the buck would stop with me. Which it did.) And I did my fair share of passing on "news" or sharing someone else's unfortunate experience simply so I could dissect it with friends - thinking we did this only out of concern and love, of course. But all the while I got quite the rush out of all that "concern" and "love."
Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on September 25, 2007 | Comments (11)
Following the Leader
If it weren't too long for the allotted space, I would've titled this post, "Everything I Needed to Know about Leadership I Learned from my Son's Preschool Teacher." And after two years of watching Ruth Harkema, this phenomenal leader, at work, I'd mean it. Of course, I knew a thing or two about leadership before I saw this gifted woman using her skills, but watching her style up close and personal - along with seeing the impact she has on those kids she leads - cemented everything good I had known before and taught me a few tricks I hadn't quite captured.
So what makes her so impressive? Simple: She can lead a group of 20 wild and wiggly or worn-out and wooly four-year-olds down a school hallway in a single file, quietly. Can you? I know I'd sooner lead a group of inmates over a prison wall than attempt that feat.
Continue reading...Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on July 3, 2007 | Comments (6)
Leader-Moms Build Better Dads
When my daughter was in kindergarten, she headed off to school one morning with her hair done up in an arrangement that only vaguely resembled a braid. Actually, at the top it looked almost exactly like a braid. But the hairstyle quickly devolved into a loose semi-tangle with an odd dogleg, like a fairway at Augusta National.
The following morning Jessi asked me to please just put her hair in two pony tails. That was the same week I sent her to school wearing orange socks, which didn't fully complement her pink outfit.
Things were different when my wife, Jeanette, was in town - which was most of the time.
Continue reading...Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on June 11, 2007 | Comments (21)
Marriage vs. Ministry?
When I went into full-time ministry, I feared my children would resent church if I gave too much time or energy to it. I had stayed home for 11 years and when my youngest son Trent was in kindergarten, I decided to move into vocational ministry. I began a leadership role at Willow Creek Community Church outside of Chicago. It was a challenging transition, but surprisingly, the person who took the greatest hit was my husband. To make sure my kids were not affected by my work, I made sure my schedule was flexible and that I could drop them off and pick them up from school. Also, if they were sick or out of school, I worked from home. Each day, I would help with the homework, make them a snack, cook dinner, and then set out the clothes for the next morning. I was exhausted but the kids seemed happy.
Now if you asked my husband about those early years of ministry, he may have painted a different picture.
Continue reading...Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on May 25, 2007 | Comments (29)
Identity Crisis
This past winter, when I was eight months pregnant, my husband and I attended a retreat for "thoughtful" Christians on the snow-covered dunes of Lake Michigan. We had a great time and met wonderful, interesting people with whom we enjoyed great conversations. But one man marred my trip a bit: Whenever he saw me, he insisted on calling me mama.
You don't have to know me all that well to realize that there are exactly three small people on this planet who can call me mama and expect a warm reception. While I'm sure this man meant no harm - he seemed decent enough otherwise - suddenly every essay I had read or written in college lambasting sexist language came flooding back into my memory and fueled an anger I hadn't felt in a long time.
Back in our room, I quietly raged (the walls of our old hotel were quite thin!) against this man to my husband. When he offered to kick his sexist butt for me, we both laughed at that thought and my anger toward the man was pretty much over. But the anger toward myself wasn't.
Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on April 27, 2007 | Comments (39)
Dinner Table Talk in a Violent World
For many of us involved in ministry and leadership positions, our days are full and our brains are fried by the end of the day, when we return home to re-group with our families. Table talk over dinner is an important place to process the small and large, local and global issues of our day.
Last night at dinner, I started to say grace, and I just couldn't say anything. My husband picked up and finished for me, praying for those families touched by tragedy.
Continue reading...Posted by Rachel Willoughby on April 18, 2007 | Comments (3)
The Date I’ll Never Forget
It was a Friday night. My husband and I had a "date" with two other couples from the small church where we ministered together. One of the couples was about our age, but the other couple, Willis and Betty, was in their late eighties.
We felt a bit awkward at first. How do you get the conversation started with people more than half a century your senior? But soon things began to feel natural as we watched a video and ate caramel corn, shared stories from our lives, and ended the evening with a rousing "hymn sing," which Willis enthusiastically led on accordion while my husband tried to keep up on guitar.
Continue reading...Posted by Amy Simpson on April 12, 2007 | Comments (4)
Announcing Gifted for Leadership Resources!
I have exciting news! Gifted for Leadership is now more than just a blog and an e-mail newsletter. As if we didn't have enough excitement around here?This week, we're launching our very first downloadable resource created specifically for women leaders. These short booklets offer collections of expert advice, biblical perspective, stories, practical ideas, and leadership tools to inspire and challenge you.
Continue reading...Posted by Amy Simpson on April 11, 2007 | Comments (2)
Leading Our Children, Part 2
As I mentioned in my previous post, women are bombarded with many models of parenting. Now let me tell you more about the "mommy tracks" I've been on, and what I've learned about leading my children.
The complexity of my own situation as a parent astounds me. I've been a stay-at-home mom, an outdoor-photographer mom, a work-from-home-worship-leader-mom, a self-employed-traveling-and-speaking mom, a married mom, a single mom. I've started three businesses while my children were still at home, and transitioned in and out of several careers. Funny how there wasn't a manual for what I ended up doing. If there had been, the chapter titles alone would have terrified me.
Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on March 2, 2007 | Comments (10)
Leading Our Children, Part 1
As women, we're bombarded with so many models of parenting:
? The uber-mommy track: no employment until the last one turns 18.
? The uber-career track: give em' six weeks' attention, and then get back out there.
? The modified mommy: no employment until they're all kindergarten graduates.
? The modified career: work part-time, school hours only, part time at home, work nights, etc.
Then there are the tracks known to cause certain kinds of insanity in both children and their mothers:
Continue reading...Posted by Amy Simpson on February 16, 2007 | Comments (26)
Aren't We Always at Church?
My sister is a very busy woman. She has four kids (ranging from infancy to 10 years old), works part-time from home, maintains a spotless house, and manages to follow the Holy Spirit through an active and ongoing ministry to people around her.
She and her family are actively involved in their church, and she serves where she can. God has given her obvious spiritual gifts in mercy, encouragement, administration, and discernment. But most of the time, she doesn't exercise these gifts in the church building. Instead, she more often finds herself doing ministry at home, at her kids' school, at the park, and at Wal-Mart.
She tells me she sometimes feels guilty because she doesn't seem to be meeting other people's expectations. She doesn't attend all the social events her friends do. She doesn't teach a Sunday school class (even though she's been asked several times). And when another couple asked her if she and her husband would lead a small group because they want to join one but don't want to lead, she said no.
Continue reading...Posted by Amy Simpson on February 8, 2007 | Comments (24)
Welcome to Gifted for Leadership!
Welcome to Gifted for Leadership! This blog is designed specifically for Christian women who are capable, called, and gifted leaders. Unfortunately, many Christian women in leadership feel alone in their calling. They need a place where they can converse about the issues they face, encourage one another, and challenge each other. They want something different from the women's ministry resources and events that discuss issues unique to women. They want tools that visit topics that are not unique to women, but that approach them from a woman's perspective.
That's why we're producing a free monthly e-mail newsletter (have you signed up?), this blog, and - coming soon - a collection of downloadable booklets. These tools will equip, encourage, challenge, and unite women who exercise leadership gifts in church and parachurch ministry, in business, and at home. They'll also build a community of women with leadership gifts who can challenge and support one another and grow together.
This site is a resource of Christianity Today International, produced in partnership with the editors of LEADERSHIP JOURNAL. I'm very excited to launch this blog and to tell you about our Gifted for Leadership philosophy:
Continue reading...Posted by Amy Simpson on January 10, 2007 | Comments (69)
Balance or Bust?
During a Mavericks game half-time show last season, I sat staring with my mouth wide open. With the rest of the breathless fans, I gawked at a tiny woman on an outrageously tall unicycle as she balanced a growing stack of bowls. She continued to toss them up, one by one, with her free foot (the other was pedalling, of course). I broke into a sweat because I was so nervous for her.
When people ask me about juggling obligations or "work/life balance," I imagine they see me as that halftime show acrobat with a delicately suspended stack of responsibilities, and want me to share my secrets to not dropping anything (or anyone). I'm not really worthy of their spotlight; I just have a little more practice than some. While this balancing act looks different for each person, the following are a few tricks of the juggling trade I have learned over the years:
Continue reading...Posted by Amy Simpson on January 9, 2007 | Comments (7)
Too Busy Serving?
It was interesting to me that in the passage about the feeding of the five thousand, we have absolutely no record of the disciples eating. All it tells us is that they picked up the leftovers. The disciples were doing good thing by serving, but they were so busy picking up the leftovers of everybody else's blessing that they missed on being filled.
Now I don't mind picking up leftovers, but I also want to be one of the ones getting fed. This means that I must carve time out of my busy day to sit quietly in the presence of Jesus so he can speak to me. Are you missing out on what Jesus wants to say to you because you're so busy serving?
I think this might have been part of Martha's problem. The Lord and his disciples had dropped in for supper at the home of Martha, Lazarus, and Mary. Martha was running around madly tying to get food on the table. She expected her sister to help her, but Mary was just sitting at the Lord's feet, listening to him. It was too much to take. So Martha went to Jesus and said, "Tell her to help me" (Luke 10:40).
Continue reading...Posted by Amy Simpson on January 9, 2007 | Comments (7)
Born to Lead
I've spent most of my life in leadership. I led my little sister in shenanigans for years. I led my friends on the playground and my fellow students in the classroom. I was captain of my cross-country team in high school and served on Student Senate in college. I was on the student leadership team for my church youth group and Fellowship of Christian Athletes. But I never thought about leadership until I was an adult. I behaved as a leader because God had given me a leadership gift and called me to use it. It was natural for me. I found places to lead without setting out to do so.
Continue reading...Posted by Amy Simpson on January 6, 2007 | Comments (5)
Wrestling with God’s Leadership
The most important thing God ever taught me is to pray for what I lack. I've had to pray that above all else, he would give me a love for him, and a hunger and thirst for his Word. In my twenties, I was a Sunday school teacher, and I was pitiful. I just didn't know God's Word. So I prayed about it and signed up for a Bible doctrine class at my church that I just knew would be the most boring thing I ever attended.
Instead a man walked up - a former football player - who threw open the Bible and practically wept as he taught it. Never before had I met someone who had such a passionate relationship with God through the Word.
Continue reading...Posted by Amy Simpson on January 6, 2007 | Comments (1)
