on Kyria.com
Chasing after Glory
It’s not about me.
Eleven months ago I stepped out of full-time ministry to give birth to my first child. After working for nine years as a pastor and one year as a hospital chaplain, I knew the transition from ministry to motherhood would be stretching; but I had no idea how stretching.
In place of writing sermons, I now change diapers. In exchange for developing and implementing new programs, I now help my son build towers out of wooden blocks. Instead of poring over commentary by Barth and Calvin, I now read Dr. Seuss. My presence is no longer needed at 8 a.m. staff meetings, but I am now required to show up for all 3 a.m. feedings. Needless to say, life is no longer about me! But, my son’s presence has encouraged me to reconsider the fact that perhaps God never intended my life to be about me to begin with.
Parting Ways
I have friends all over the world, literally. I separated from Marine Corps active duty in 2008 and was honorably discharged from the reserves this year. Today, my dear friends from the military are populating the entire East Coast, California, Japan, Iraq, and Afghanistan just to name a few locations. Despite these once intimate connections, there have been times when some of the relationships have unexpectedly turned for the worst. I have been left with a frown on my face, a question mark in my head, and a bruise on my heart.
What’s worse is that the church is not exempt from wounding our own warriors. Particularly in women’s ministry, the tragedy can occur by a woman who has been hurt or offended, so she inflicts her pain onto others. Recently, I saw this manifest with the woman leader whose pain makes her territorial, keeping her from allowing anyone else to come in with skills, giftedness, and ideas concerning her ministry.
The reality of these tragedies brought me to the Book of Acts, where I dissected Paul’s relationship with Barnabus. We watched for several chapters as these men encouraged one another, ministered along side each other, traveled together, discipled believers, suffered persecution, and brought many to the knowledge of Christ. As a matter of fact, God set them apart specifically to minister in this capacity (v 13:2). Then BOOM, at the end of Chapter 15 they have a huge disagreement and part ways.
There are a few things that I observed about this disagreement that are critical to understanding the situation:
Does Ministry Kill Marriage?
The other morning I got up early to write, but while waiting for the coffee to brew, I turned on the TV. Big mistake. As I clipped through the channels, I stopped to watch the movie Freedom Writers. Again.
My friend Anita first encouraged me to see this movie, starring Hillary Swank and Patrick Dempsey. At face value, Freedom Writers is another one of those inspirational movies about an idealistic teacher who heads into a tough school and turns the students’ lives around. In this case, she does it (among other things) by encouraging her students to keep journals.
It’s a good movie. Well done. Powerful and moving. Especially for anyone who believes in the power of the written word.
But what gets me most about this movie is one little scene—one that shakes me and leaves me troubled and wondering.
The Caregiving Challenge
A few weeks ago, I attended a book launch party for my former colleague Rob Moll’s new book, The Art of Dying. While words like dying and caregiving normally don’t compel me, I have to admit that during Rob’s reading, I was hooked. I stayed hooked during our conversation afterward as he told me how women are leading the charge on transforming the way we care for the elderly and the way we view dying. And he shared some thoughts on the importance of the church in all this. So because GFL is all about women leading in the church, I asked him to write us something. Let me know what you think. Everyone who answers the questions posed at the end will be entered to win a copy of Rob’s book.—Caryn Rivadeneira
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Women are at the forefront of one of the most fundamental transformations of the 21st century. For the first time in human history, the number of people older than 65 will be larger than those under age 5. Demographers say that the fastest growing age group is those older than 85. One study found that this group will be diagnosed with a terminal illness an average of three years before their death. Those years are filled with doctor and ER visits, cooking and cleaning, filling prescriptions and assisting with the bathroom.
Women are central to this demographic shift because as these elderly need to be cared for, many women—daughters, nieces, mothers, and friends—are the ones stepping up to meet this challenge of caregiving. In fact, of the 66 million Americans doing this work for a family member, two-thirds are female, with an average age of 46. Their unpaid services to family members are estimated to be worth $148 billion to $188 billion annually.
Praying for Prodigals
“Heroin? Our son is on heroin?”
Emotion washed over Laurie. How is he? How could he?
Laurie and Jason had just found out their 18-year-old son was in jail for heroin possession and use. They were overwhelmed with the shock and horror of it and with concern for their son.
As that reality began to settle in, they were overcome with a new thought: What would the church Jason pastored say? Would people understand, or would they judge? The pastor’s son? Would they need to step down from the pastorate?
They felt so alone.
Our Restless Lives
I was recently flipping through a copy of Good Housekeeping and scanned the editor’s opening letter. She described being at an “improbable place: a women’s retreat” for part of a Saturday. “Ironically,” she wrote, “the topic was time—how to think about it, handle it, make peace with never having enough of it. And I discovered that it was… all but impossible for me to just sit still and listen—not take notes, not check my BlackBerry, not multitask in any way… Like most almost every woman I know, I live life in a terrific hurry, as if time is running out.”
Let’s see… Always being short on time; addiction to multi-tasking; feeling harried (and in great company being harried). Sounds all too familiar.
The biggest antidote that we have against the weight of the 24/7 life, I’ve been thinking, is the one command we 21st century Americans are most apt to break: keeping the Sabbath.
In Jesus’ day, the problem with the Sabbath was that people were overcommitted to keeping it. It had become legalistic and cumbersome, a burden to God’s people. It was so bureaucratic that the Pharisee regulators were thwarting God’ purposes—and Jesus rebuked them from getting between God and the refreshment he wanted them to enjoy.
Today most of us have the opposite problem. Far from over-keeping the Sabbath and getting caught up in legalisms related to inactivity, most of us simply ignore it. Day of rest? Really? You mean, every week?
Can We Serve Too Much?
Every few weeks, my husband and I get together with a group of friends. Since we all met at church—and since we were the brainchild of our teaching pastor and his wife—we might look like a “small group,” but that’s not quite right. We get together and eat and drink and talk. And talk and talk. Whoever hosts gets to choose the topic of discussion—or to throw out some questions. We offer each other openness and confidentiality and support. And I love it.
Anyway, yesterday one of these friends emailed to see if we’d be interested in doing a little “service project” for our next get-together. Even though he suggested something simple that could be done while eating and talking, I actually groaned when I read his request. Though I waited a good half-hour before putting in my two cents, my email reply groaned right along with me.
I wrote that were it solely up to me, I’d rather not do the project (nice, I know) because, “I often feel like my life is one big, exhausting service project and one thing I love about this group is the chance to chill and be among people who I can admit things like I just did.”
I realized right away that I sounded horrible and whiney, half-bragger, half-martyr, but I sent it anyway. Because I actually feel strongly about this.
Justice in Real Life
My life gets crazy. I’m a mom. I have diapers to change, groceries to buy, and lunches to make. I’m a writer, a speaker and a church leader. I have things to write, talks to give, and issues to raise. Between keeping up with the kids, paying the bills, and following my calling, most days I’m happy if I can squeeze in the luxurious “me moment” of a shower.
But as a follower of Christ I also know that I am called to love my neighbor as Jesus did—by proclaiming good news to the poor, freedom for prisoners, sight for the blind, and to set the oppressed free (as mentioned in Luke 4). Seeking justice for others in these ways is at the heart of what it means to follow Christ. It’s not just a call for some Christians; it’s for all of us – including us busy leaders.
But it can be hard to figure out how I can be seeking justice for others in the midst of my chaotic life.
The High Cost of Cheap
I love a bargain. Whether I’m buying clothing, groceries, or other supplies, I enjoy knowing I got a deal. I can even dress it up in spiritual clothes, claiming I’m being a “good steward” of my resources by being thrifty.
Unfortunately, cheap sometimes has a hidden price tag. The prices of certain goods—from soccer balls to candy bars—are low because the people who produce them are paid little or nothing for their labor. The laborers in sweatshops and harvesters on plantations pay a dear price so that we can have, by our own admission, too much food and too much stuff.
I love bargains, but I also want to live a compassionate life—and lead others to do the same. To do so, I must look beyond the price tag on an item to its hidden price.
The Joy of Communion
Every night, I ask my two-year-old son a question: What should we thank God for today? In the months we have engaged in this practice, Quinn’s thanksgivings have included noodles, his friend Lily and raisins.
One night during Lent, perched on my lap in the dark of his room, Quinn returned my question with one of his own: “I eat Christ?”
I was sure I had heard him wrong. So I asked my question again. “I eat Christ.” This time, a declaration. What a strange and disturbing thing for him to say, I thought. What are they teaching him in the nursery at church? I mumbled something about thanking God for Quinn, our family and our friends. I said, “Amen,” and Quinn responded in kind.
A few days later, he tried again. Same question, same response.
“I eat Christ.” This time, Quinn turned his palms skyward and placed his right hand over his left, in front of his heart. As if to emphasize his point, he added, “At church.”
He has been watching us.
Following Fearlessly When the Stakes Are Raised
Last month, after my husband declared his candidacy for State Rep, a man from church pulled me aside to ask if I was worried about how this would affect our family. “What with the dirt-digging on you guys and all,” he said.
When I said no and “rested" my case by asking him if he even knew the name of our current rep’s wife or kids (he didn’t even know the name of our current rep!), I meant it. I was not worried. Of all the things that stressed me about an impending campaign, an invasion of family privacy was not on the list.
For one reason: I expose my family for a living, essentially. Whether in my books (the one that’s out there or the one that’s coming), my blogs, magazine articles, or when I’m out speaking to women, I share my messy life (which includes my messy family) as openly and honestly as I can. While this is not to say I share every last juicy detail or share every private moment, I do try to drag as many skeletons out of the closet as possible. It’s the only thing I know to kill off those otherwise powerful skeletons. It’s the way I feel called to live. And it’s the way I feel called to lead as I encourage others to do the same.
And that’s been fine—great actually—for the kind of leadership I’ve experienced thus far. But this man’s question raised a new question for me: Would this type of “tell all” leadership always be appropriate? How would I know when to stop or pull back?
Continue reading "Following Fearlessly When the Stakes Are Raised" »
What God Can Do with Your Whole Life
The boy hesitated as Andrew pushed him toward Jesus. "Sir, I have only a small lunch, five loaves and two fish, but if this could help feed some of the people, you can have it." I'm sure Jesus smiled and said, "Thank you. I think this is exactly what I need."
The boy watched in awe as, with that small lunch, Jesus fed more than 5,000, with lots of leftovers.
"Wow," the boy responded. "If he can do that with my lunch, I wonder what he could do with my whole life!"
Each of us could wonder the same thing: What if I give him my whole life?!?
Praying for Our Prodigals
Satan plays dirty. Really dirty.
He is so clever at finding our weak spots, to trip us up as we walk the paths God has for us. He whispers not-so-sweet nothings in our ears. He beguiles us with our best temptations. He spray paints the nearby grass a beautiful shade of green. He tells us we deserve the best. But we have grown strong and mature in the Spirit and we keep hanging on to God--and we don't succumb.
That's when Satan takes the gloves off. He goes after our children. If he can't cause us to stumble, he attacks those we love so much. He whispers and beguiles and spray paints lots of greener grass, laying his traps for our vulnerable loved ones.
False Distinction Between Gifts and Roles
When was the last time you took a spiritual gifts inventory or answered a church survey to see how God might be leading you to serve in your church? Maybe you are in ministry to women who have particular gifts and talents, but they need guidance in knowing how they translate to the community of believers. Many people have knowledge or insight about their gifts before they even pick up the pencil to fill out a questionnaire, but these instruments can become wonderfully useful tools of discovery for the church.
But I pause to consider if some women in the church, instead of searching for ways to use or discover their gifts, are actively suppressing the identification and use of them as a twisted act of selflessness, or perhaps - and equally as worrisome - they are confusing gifts with roles. GFL's managing editor Caryn Rivadeniera's recent book, Mama's Got a Fake I.D., has caused me to examine this issue a bit closer. In my review of her book on my blog, I offer a possible reason why embracing this aspect of identity is difficult for some women, attributing it to a contemporary form of asceticism - a denial of pleasures for some sort of spiritual attainment.
Some women, I am learning, are uncomfortable discussing their spiritual gifts if they are not identical to how they function in their roles, because for them these gifts might overshadow what they perceive to be the true functions of a woman, wife, or mom.
Continue reading "False Distinction Between Gifts and Roles" »
Why I Bought the Green Bible
Happy Earth Day! I'd like to take advantage of this special time when our thoughts are focused on the planet to talk about the Green Bible, last year's release from HarperOne. In case you missed the hullabaloo, this book is a NRSV Bible that includes a 100% natural cover (created in an environmentally-friendly plant), soy-based inks, and 10% post-consumer paper with the rest originating from "well-managed forests." It includes essays, Bible studies, poetry, and other environment-related commentary from today's leading Christian environmentalists. But the real difference is in the text itself: verses which reference nature or creation - over 1,000 of them - are printed in green ink.
Our friends down the hall at Christianity Today magazine and the Out of Ur blog reviewed the Bible and had little to say by way of compliments. Brandon O'Brien found the Green Bible interesting, but not particularly useful, and Telford Work called it "an ideological fashion accessory, and a vehicle for promoting conventional progressive environmentalism." If that sounds a bit harsh, you should read the blog comments from readers appalled at this Bible's seeming plant-and-animal worship.
Let me add a different voice to the debate and submit that this is a valuable and enriching addition to your Bible collection.
The Silent Retreat
I have a hard time "unplugging." My morning starts with a sleepy-eyed click on email, and most nights I turn in only after checking Facebook. Yet recently it seems God is calling me to spend time plugged in to him - only him.
Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love, throws down this challenge: "In our crazy world, silence and stillness are two of the true remaining luxuries. You have to work hard to create those sacred pockets of stillness for yourself." The impetus for her yearlong journey of self-discovery was a divorce and ensuing depression: "More than anything, I needed peace. And modern life, for all its conveniences and all its opportunities, doesn't offer that. We almost have too many options."
Last summer some friends and I read Ruth Haley Barton's Sacred Rhythms, which echoed Gilbert's findings. Barton invited us to "unplug" using the ancient spiritual practice of solitude. As a self-imposed assignment, we attended a silent weekend at Montserrat Jesuit Retreat House—a bold feat for three women addicted to technology. The retreat center has a "no electronics allowed" policy.
The Day I Met My Dream
So today's a big day for me. One of the "biggies" in my life, actually. It's the day I met my dream (if I may be a tad dramatic). You see, today - with the release of my first book, Mama's Got a Fake I.D.: How to Reveal the Real You Behind All That Mom - I became an official published author. Something I've wanted to do since I was seven, when my second-grade teacher mimeographed and then laminated a book of limericks I had written. She put them in the school library. What a thrill! Not only was I hooked on words and sentences, I knew someday I wanted another one of those books in a library.
I have no idea if any libraries have ordered my book - so I have no idea if that particular dream has been met. But that a library could - because a real book that I wrote exists (though this one's neither mimeographed nor laminated) - is a repeat of that same thrill I felt as a seven-year-old. It's goal met. A dream come true.
And yet, this "big day" isn't all that different from all the rest of my days. Ever had that? I mean, aside from the sunny skies and the 75 degree temps here in Chicago - not the usual St. Patty's Day weather - the "big deal-ness" of the day has largely been in my own head.
When Women Cling
Today I had to have a tough conversation. A friend of mine has become invasive, ignoring boundaries I have in place. For a couple of weeks she called everyday three or four times a day and sent multiple emails (there was no emergency or urgent need). One day when I hadn't responded to calls or email due to a busy schedule and prior commitments she just dropped by. I wasn't impressed at all and we proceeded to have a very awkward and cool visit. After praying several days for wisdom on how to approach this I invited her out for coffee and dove in. I talked about how I want my time and life to be respected and about how desperate she appears she admitted that she does in fact feel that way at times. I asked if she could allow me the space and time to call her back as it suits me and she said her greatest fear was that I may never return her call.
How do we get to the place where we are looking to someone else to provide our value for us? What goes wrong when women cling to their female friends in a way that only drives them away?
Lunching with the 'Blessed Alliance'
It's lunchtime at my local Panera. I'm here slurping French onion soup and conducting a sociological experiment at this popular lunch spot for the business set. Okay, so maybe it's more "eavesdropping on the people around me while my husband wraps up his phone call" than a scientific experiment, but still. I'm noticing something interesting: the differences in the way men and women do business lunches.
Two tables over we've got two men. Their lunch trays are pushed to the side, and they've each got their legal tablets out in front of them. The older one is talking ("Here's what you need to do?.") as his fancy-looking pen flies across his tablet - drawing diagrams, underlining words, and doubling back to circle something he said earlier. It's amusing because it could not be a more stereotypic picture of the Way Men Do Business Lunches if I pulled it out of my brain.
New Year Expectations
In this space a year-and-a-half ago, I wrote about lowering our expectations - which, according to some, is the key to happiness. While I don't believe that happiness should ever be an end-goal in and of itself, since I first wrote about that - and tried to put the whole lowering of expectations thing into practice - I've actually seen some payoff.
But this is the time of year I have a hard time lowering expectations. After the "Christmas come-down," I always get antsy for the New Year, for yet another fresh start, for another go at my life. And I always get excited about what the year ahead may bring.
This year in particular, I've got some exciting things ahead: My first book, Mama's Got a Fake I.D.: How to Reveal the Real You Under All That Mom comes out March 17. My friend (and fellow GFL contributor) Carla Barnhill and I continue to grow our Mommy Revolution with great discussion and author interviews on our blog - and will even be guests on Moody Radio's Midday Connection on January 13 to talk about our fledgling Revolution. But that's not all I'm excited about.
Life in a Snow Globe
There is something magical about a snow globe. A child's eyes fill with wonder every time one is shaken. The snow swirls around the scene until it finally settles motionless on the bottom - until someone shakes it again.
When I unpacked my Christmas decorations this year, I found a treasured snow globe wrapped in brown paper. I shook it, and waited for the snow to settle, I imagined what it would be like to live inside. I began to picture myself in an idyllic Christmas scene, and then chuckled when I realized that when the holidays roll around, I DO live in a snow globe. When the holiday rush hits, it seems like someone has shaken my world.
The holidays bring extra stresses. Juggling the additional to-do lists can feel like trying to walk in a blizzard. In most homes these responsibilities fall on the women. Often we're the ones expected to make our family's season merry and bright. Decorating, gift buying and wrapping, cooking, party planning, card sending.... The list goes on. It's easy to get caught up trying to make everything look and taste Martha Stewart perfect.
Living Fearlessly
Two days ago, my daughter and I stood in line at IKEA. Halfway through loading our "small stuff" onto the conveyor belt and repositioning the "big stuff" (I'd tell you what it all was but it would ruin some Christmas surprises!) in the cart, the woman at the register held up her hand, stop-style.
The credit card for the people ahead of us wasn't going through, and she needed to call a manager. Those of us in the rather long line followed her head around the front of the store as she looked for the manager. Then we noticed all the other people in other lines (and if you've been to IKEA, you know there are a lot of lines!) were doing the same thing. Then someone yelled (or said pretty loudly) out, "It might be a problem with the banks. The cards aren't going through?."
And in that moment, I thought, Well, here we are: in IKEA (munching on a bag of Swedish fish I haven't yet paid for), the moment the entire banking system finally collapsed.
Good News Indeed!
Cultivating the right to share your faith means building respect. Sometimes this seed is sown for years, but many times it's overnight. Pray where God would like you to embark, and then ask questions. "How can I pray for you?" might help console a depressed friend.
Angry at the Wrong People
Last week a former colleague from my first job out of college (I'll call him Bob) found me on Facebook. Within moments of accepting his friend request, we were leaving jokey notes on each others' pictures and status updates. It was so fun to reconnect with someone I had once shared so many laughs at work.
But then he noticed a picture of my husband standing next to one of those life-sized cut-outs of Sarah Palin and John McCain. Bob wrote on my wall: "Is your husband really standing next to Palin/McCain? If so, why?" So I sent back a jokey note explaining the picture. Apparently, I wasn't so amusing since Bob immediately sent me a message saying I had to tell him right then if my husband supported Republicans or if I, in fact, had ever voted Republican. He said in no uncertain terms that he could not be my friend if either of us had.
Still hoping he was kidding, I made light. The tone and content of his email meant business. He was dead serious. It was bad enough I was a Christian. He wanted nothing doing with someone who might share the "vile beliefs" of Christians and/or conservatives.
Here's the deal: My friend Bob is gay.
What's Missing In Friendship
Are we missing something in today's relationships with our friends?
I'm beginning to think that women's relationships are not what they use to be. Over the last few weeks, I've had repeated discussions about this. A complete stranger, a new friend I'd just met, and an old friend that I was having dinner with have each brought it up in conversation unprompted.
I think God is trying to tell me something.
In each case the discussion has led into how these women are tired of superficial living. That they have each reached points in their lives where they feel that everyone around them is putting on a good face, that their friendships are surface only, and that they themselves are tired of living this way. They want to get real. And they want me to join them.
And I have to say that I agree. But, for a long time I've felt it was just me. A pet peeve that I've had.
But is it something more?
Marriage: A Story Shared
"You were so young." That's what most people say when they look at the wedding picture displayed in our living room. And we were young - twenty-three and twenty-two, in a culture where the average age for first marriages is 26.7 years. And to add to that, we had only known each other fourteen months and had never lived in the same state. In hindsight I wonder if, to some people, our wedding eight years ago today looked like it was headed for disaster - our reckless choices leading to that one moment when one of us would wake up wondering, "Who is this strange person I married? And why did I make this commitment?"
Not that we haven't asked that first question, but, thank God, it has not been disastrous. After several months of marriage, Justin told me that he had thought I would love going to rock concerts. (I don't - too much smoke and noise.) And I was disappointed that, on Saturday mornings, he wanted to stay in bed (amazing!) while I launched myself into the blissful, productive, freedom of the weekend.
The One Necessary Thing
This coming March, my husband and I will welcome our first child into the world. The past four months have brought surprises around every corner, but none so surprising as the day I discovered the stereotypes that prevail in my own mind about women, mothers, and daughters.
Early one morning, my husband found me sobbing in our living room. He anxiously asked me what was wrong and I sobbed, "I'm going to be a terrible mother." The night before, during an inevitable bout of insomnia, I had happened upon the blog of a young mother living somewhere in middle America. This mother's blog was filled with accounts of life with her two daughters. Days spent contentedly making crafts together. Handmade Easter dresses and matching baskets. Little Princess mermaid parties complete with handmade mermaid outfits and pink party favors. Shopping and personalized embroidered clothing.
I've spent 23 of my 30 years pursuing some kind of education. I'm much more comfortable in lecture halls and libraries than I am in craft stores and at parties. So when I read this mother's blog, I was overwhelmed by the possibility I was not fit for motherhood. I don't like shopping. I don't like pink. I don't know the first thing about party favors. How in the world would I be competent to raise a daughter?
Voting Christian
"I won't tell you how to vote. Just vote Christian," the Midwestern mega-church pastor announced from the pulpit to his flock of thousands.
The year was 2004 and unease had begun to blanket the nation. Questions regarding the "axis of evil" rhetoric were being raised. Many were surprised to learn that other countries considered America itself to embody the label.
We had a pro-life president and found ourselves engaged in a tremendously complex war. Believers were faced with the dissonant feeling that, in some ways, the truth had been stretched and our patriotism had been exploited.
It was a time when many felt our faith became unnecessarily tangled (and mangled) in the political arena. Evangelical Christians were expected to vote Republican, leaving believers who preferred the Democratic candidate scratching their heads, wondering where they might fit.
Four years have passed, but it doesn't appear that much has changed.
Leading Men at Work
How to lead men in a professional setting: I'll admit I don't have much to say on this topic. It's not because I haven't led men, and it's not because the topic doesn't matter. It's because I don't think a lot needs to be said. When women lead men in their work, gender doesn't have to be an issue.
In general, women with leadership gifts know how to lead people. And as you practice your skills and receive training, you grow in those abilities and hone your instincts. If you can successfully lead women, you should be able to successfully lead men. Whether gender becomes an issue is largely up to you.
So how can you keep it from becoming an issue? Cover the basics. If you're charged with leading men in a professional setting, here are five ways you can apply good leadership principles to leading them:
Why I’m Glad Sarah Palin Didn’t Speak for Women
Not a whole lot of people can say this: Sarah Palin was my mayor. I spent a few years living in Wasilla, Alaska, when Palin was mayor there, before she became governor of the state. My husband worked in a local church, our oldest daughter was born in the community hospital, and our dog regularly barked at the moose that hung out in our front yard.
By Alaskan standards, Wasilla is actually a community of significant size. But by most standards, it's a small town in a remote state, and it's full of independent, high-spirited people who go a little crazy in the winter and don't sleep much in the summer because the sun is shining and they want to make the most of it. They eat moose meat and salmon and ride snowmachines (and in case you watched the speech last night and were wondering, a "snowmachine" is what most of us call a "snowmobile"). They think something is ancient if it was there before 1990, they build their houses by hand, and they wish they had a Target somewhere in the state.
Continue reading "Why I’m Glad Sarah Palin Didn’t Speak for Women" »
Ceiling-Shattering Election Season
A few moments ago, as I looked over my friend's Facebook status updates (if you're not on Facebook.com, these are sentences people write to tell everyone what they're doing, thinking, or feeling), I saw that each update sizzled with election fever. And what's not to be excited about?
No matter what "side" you're on, no matter which issues matter most to you, or no matter whom you'll vote for, we're looking at history in the making. And that rocks.
Last night many of us were electrified by Barack Obama's dazzling speech. This morning many of us were cheering on Sarah Palin - a governing mom! - as John McCain's presidential running mate.
I Had an Affair
We drove into the Rocky Mountains to a small retreat center. With our hopes high and our hearts still aching, we entered the weekend eager to heal. The days included group meetings where volunteer couples modeled good communication skills, then gave us a topic to discuss. Throughout the weekend Allen and I rehashed recent events, talked about the kids, money, forgiveness, and our future. We were able to break through some walls of hardness and spent a lot of time crying, laughing, and holding each other.
Feeling Like a Big Nothing
It's happened more than once during the course of a conversation. Somehow, we get to the topic of "formal education" and next we're talking about the Masters degree my husband earned. Discovering that he has one is always of great interest, and after the usual questions as to what subject it's in and from which graduate school it came from, etc., etc., everyone within earshot of the conversation looks very pleased to have learned about it. It's as though the listeners discovered yet another reason to like my husband just a little bit more than they did moments ago.
What most people won't learn during that same conversation is this little secret: I have a Masters degree too. If Steve doesn't proudly offer the information out (thanks, Steve!), it's rare that people will ask about it.
I'm not entirely sure why. I imagine that there's the great fear that Steve married the only female from his generation who flunked Kindergarten and wants nothing to do with "book-learnin'." How awkward would that discovery be? The smiles would melt off their faces, and they'd have to start pitying Steve for his degree instead of being happy for him. Maybe that's why no one asks.
The Life You’ve Always Wanted (in Bed)
Here's a good question: Does God want you to have a better sex life?
This week my teammate and friend Brandon O'Brien posted an article on Out of Ur that we thought our Gifted for Leadership friends might like to discuss. Read the article below and post your thoughts. You can also read it in its original context on Out of Ur (you might join the discussion there as well).
"A number of churches are now preaching a message I never heard from the pulpit growing up: God wants you to have sex. Lots of sex. Great sex. All for his glory, of course.
"In February 2008, Relevant Church of Tampa, Florida, issued a "30-Day Sex Challenge" during their sermon series on relationships. Married couples were exhorted to have some form of intercourse - and singles to abstain - every day for a month.
"Last month, New Direction Christian Church (Memphis, Tennessee) conducted its own ?40 Nights of Grrreat Sex' program. The pastoral staff handed out daily planners with suggestions for mixing things up. They set up a blog so members could ask questions - and presumably offer advice - anonymously. I hope they also have plans to increase their children's ministry budget in the coming months.
Food for Thought
Some Christian couples focus on raising children. Kids are an exquisite, priceless gift from God, and raising them is one of God's primary purposes for marriage.
But what if a couple is not able to bear children? Even if a couple does bear children or adopt, the child-rearing period of life comes to an end. Our marriage will last longer than the years our nest is full.
Some couples share the goal of getting ahead - succeeding in careers, getting out of debt, finally getting that dream house. Those shared dreams can indeed bring a couple together, but once they are achieved - or never achieved - what's left?
World-Changing Politics
When mega-church pastor Rick Warren invited Senator Hillary Clinton to his AIDS conference at Saddleback Church, some Christians applauded - others branded him a liberal traitor. So goes the long-running debate on what constitutes a "proper" Evangelical public policy. As "salt and light" what role does political engagement play in our efforts to influence culture?
That is a question I have been mulling lately. Raised from the "cradle" by the "Religious Right," my views on societal transformation were initially shaped by close affiliation with the Republican Party, as well as petitions and protests against abortion and gay rights. In Bible college, I stood along Lancaster Drive in Salem, Oregon, with hundreds of other protesters holding signs that read "Abortion Kills." While I have since departed from many of my ultra-conservative roots, I still face daily decisions about how I, as a Christian, will respond to cultural concerns.
Needy People
Several years ago, I had a conversation with a woman whose grown children lived all over the country - or even the globe, I think. When I asked her if that was hard for her to be so far away, she said, "Not really. I guess I don't really like being needed."
At the time - as a new mom with one baby boy - this kind of appalled me. I mean, what kind of mom would miss being needed? Fast forward several years and a couple more kids, and I see where she was coming from. Never more clearly than these past first few weeks of summer. The weather's been beautiful and my kids and I have had a lot of fun, but the "neediness" of my kids has hit record levels. I swear I get "Mom, can you??" and "Mom, where's my?.?" and "Mom, help me find?." flying at me from three directions nonstop for what seems like all day - and a long day, that can be. If you have kids, I'm sure you've been there.
But what days like this tell me is that I - like the woman from a few years back - am not that much of a fan of being needed myself.
Workplace War with the Armor of God
Several years ago, the company I worked for was undergoing massive changes. Until then, I'd been on a wonderful team of encouraging leaders and friends. We were building our side of the business and seeing great success. We were thrilled to be a part of it. Then, before we knew what hit us, people were being downsized and company holdings were sold.
In an attempt to take market share, our company purchased another business that targeted a niche market. Within a few months, one of their managers pressed his way into a corporate VP position. We were stunned to find that this person we barely knew would have control over the business we'd built for years.
Not your typical executive, his spiky hair laid in rows set by the overuse of gel. He wore shiny silk shirts that were always left open to expose his gold chains. His favorite expletive broke a commandment - a phrase he favored enough to use in nearly every sentence he spoke. He regularly told me that we needed to have a "Come to Jesus" meeting, meaning I needed to stop opposing him and take on his viewpoint.
Jesus and Fried Chicken
There was a time when I believed the Great American Idea that your autobiography is your own personal story. Now, after years of exposure to a rich variety of people, customs, and traditions, I realize that our own personal stories are inextricably linked to the stories of our fathers, our mothers, and the people of our culture.
For over a hundred years, most of the members of my family were cotton farmers, people of the earth who had left the luxuries of Western Europe to try their hand in a new land. They had enough courage to traverse the Atlantic and half of the continental United States territory in search of a better life. They had enough grit and determination to prevail through both the Great Depression and the Dust Bowl of Oklahoma. They were a pragmatic, hard-working lot of people who gave little thought to their relationship with God. Jesus was reserved for Sundays - right along with fried chicken, sweet corn on the cob, and creamy mashed potatoes smothered with thick gravy. There was no real relationship with God, only a religion that had little to do with daily life on the cotton farm.
Food for Thought
Good parents openly affirm their children: "We appreciate your good behavior." Or, "You're doing a great job in school." They also know when to discipline: "If you jump on your bed again, you will be punished." Thus, children know where they stand and what they need to do.
Putting Relationship in Its Place
Last weekend was spent doing one of those uber-stressful things: buying a car. We are a one-car family and tend to drive our cars until they die and our trusty Sebring could no longer be trusted so it was time to replace it. For us, a major purchase like this is almost traumatic. We are very careful and have a purchasing style that might drive others insane.
Like the time we spent an entire weeks vacation deciding on the perfect dining room table. Or the time we went to five different stores to compare blenders.
And then there was the vacuum cleaner.
You might chalk it up to good stewardship, but that is probably too noble. At any rate all these purchases were made with strict attention, so you can imagine if it takes us a week to buy a table - well, let's just say buying a car is a really big deal. Pressured by the looming death of our Sebring leaving us "carless," we weathered the stressful gauntlet of various dealerships and salesmen. By Friday night we had narrowed it down to two different options, and by Saturday morning we had decided on a used Element.
But then we looked at the new ones.
Prodigal in the House—Part II
Earlier this year in "Part I," I shared some practical lessons learned during our daughter's defiant teen years. This time I will approach things from a spiritual vantage point.
Looking back over our experience I now appreciate the gift time game me, perspective. We weathered many long years of our daughter's adolescent rebellion and learned many lessons. Here are a few:
1. Cling to your faith.
Until I experienced our prodigal's rebellion this statement seemed trite. Over time Satan tempts us to doubt that the Lord is working on our behalf. When this temptation was greatest I asked myself how giving up on my faith would make things better. I realized it would only make things worse.
Food for Thought
When Jesus spoke with people, they had his complete attention. The Bible does not say, "And while he sanded wood and kept watch on a pot of stew, Jesus said ?" He simply listened, then responded. Individually and compassionately.
In Jesus' meeting with the woman at the well - his longest one-on-one conversation ever recorded in Scripture - she was amazed a Jew was even willing to speak to a Samaritan: "How can you ask me for a drink?" (John 4:9). The disciples were taken aback, too, when they "returned and were surprised to find him talking with a woman" (John 4:27).
March Madness: 5 Life Lessons From Basketball
Basketball. It's on everyone's mind right now. Whether you like to play it, watch it, or just endlessly fill in and refill in brackets; basketball is the sport of the moment.
It's also my favorite sport?I've played since I was old enough (and far enough away from the ground) to start dribbling. I can still hear my dad: "Take the ball with you to the post office and dribble the whole way. You'll never get better if you don't practice, practice, practice?and don't just use your right hand either!" So I would put my right hand behind my back and make myself dribble with only my left hand all the way to the post office and back (using my right hand to carry the mail on the way home).
Challenging myself to grow in weak areas wasn't the only life lesson I took away from my years of basketball?here are four more ? random, unrelated, and in no particular order:
Continue reading "March Madness: 5 Life Lessons From Basketball" »
Competitive Balancing
I spent my morning reading the book Ten Apples Up On Top to my three-year-old. For those of you not currently engaging a preschooler in your daily lives, let me give you the quick plot summary of Ten Apples Up On Top.
A lion, a dog, and a tiger compete with one another to see who can stack the most apples on his head. They start with the simple act of balancing the apples. But soon the have to resort to doing tricks while balancing the apples - jumping rope, climbing a tree, walking on a tightrope, roller skating, and on and on. By the time they have all reached the ten titular apples, they have started working together, even encouraging one another in their efforts. But then the bear comes along.
For some reason, the bear is not impressed with all this apple balancing. So she starts chasing the three friends with her mop in hand, ready to knock those apples off. She is soon joined by the rest of her bear family as well as by a flock of birds who want those apples in a bad way. A frenzied chase ensues which leads to?.
Food, Culture, and True Communion
Sometimes I am reticent to invite people over for dinner. I wish I weren't, but I am. This is why: I am tired of people talking about their personal food preferences. Any given day, I can easily list off several friends or acquaintances who are following some sort of individualized diet - weight loss or not. There's the standard vegetarians, vegans, all types of intolerances, simple likes and dislikes, and now, the winner of the Oxford University Press Word of the Year 2007, "Localvore." Localvores are people who eat only food produced within a hundred-mile radius of their home.
Funny thing: I'm kind of a localvore. My husband and I own a share in a CSA (community supported agriculture) farm, own another share of a dairy herd, and purchase meat from local farmers. But when I go out, I keep my localvore locked in my house.
Why? Because I love communion.
My Night with Dennis Quaid
There I sat, scarfing down oily-popcorn, with my eyes bugging open as I starred at the giant screen. Dennis Quaid, playing a secret service agent, was barreling down a Spanish street in a snazzy car as he chased down the bad guys. My adrenaline was pumping, my teeth were chomping, my ears were ringing from the sound effects - and I finally had a smile on my face.
See, it had been a really tough two weeks for me. My children had both been sick with influenza and digestive problems (I'll spare you the gross details) and I'd been completely homebound for 15 days. Night after night of my husband and I getting up with the kids was really wearing on me. I was behind on my work. I was stressed out. I was beginning to feel truly depressed.
I knew that I wasn't just feeling "down." This was different. I was in a persistent funk and it was beginning to weigh heavily. I felt completely unmotivated to do anything. I hadn't been to church at all, hadn't picked up my Bible, and had hardly prayed (beyond entreating God to please make my kids' medication work). I felt sad, stressed out, and very discouraged.
Why I Like Conferences
I'm headed to a conference today ? thankfully, one in a much warmer climate than the near zero temperatures of Chicago right now.
I'm usually a fan of conferences. I enjoy the opportunity to hear great speakers, share insights with comrades in the field, and get inspired for another season of ministry.
With the 2008 conference season underway, I thought I'd put together a little top 10 list - the Top 10 Reasons I Like Conferences?
10. A hotel room - no laundry, no mess, no cooking!
9. Round tables - I love conferences that invite you to talk with other attendees. It always seems like the best encouragement and the most practical ideas come from round table discussions.
8. Worship - it's exhilarating to praise God amidst a body of believers devoted to a similar calling and ministry focus.
Prodigal in the House
Have you ever tried to wake up from a nightmare only to find that you were awake? That's how I felt when our "perfect" daughter became a strong-willed, rebellious teen. The transition seemed as quick as switching TV channels. It caught us totally unprepared.
Although we made many mistakes during our five-year ordeal, we learned a lot. As a pastor's family, we faced the added pressure of being the role model for our church on how to handle this. Actually, we were clueless. We didn't know to buckle in for what seemed to be a long roller coaster ride in the dark.
We learned many lessons and gained new perspective the hard way. My husband, Charles, and my daughter, Heather, wrote about our adventures in Daughters Gone Wild, Dads Gone Crazy. We certainly don't claim to have all the answers, but I share from the vantage point of having lived through it and survived, even in the fish bowl of ministry. Here are a few lessons I learned:
Food for Thought
Working through winter may not be "fun" or "exciting," like sledding down a steep hill or a ski trip to Vail. But when couples persevere and take positive steps to improve their marriage, they emerge stronger, more committed, and better able to work through their differences. By extending peace, even in the midst of pain and alienation, countless couples have discovered deep healing and even deeper intimacy. When two people choose to love again, the melting ice of winter will water the seeds of spring.
Lead as You Are
After a difficult morning filled with tantrums, a sass mouth, and general disobedience from my normally lovely preschool-aged daughter, I lost it. As we walked back to the car after dropping my son at kindergarten - or I should say as I walked and she stomped through every snow drift I told her to avoid - she yelled ahead to me, "Mom, STOP! I want to be the LEADER!"
At that, I turned around and nearly hissed, "Honey, to be the leader, you need to be the fastest and the best. You can't lead acting like that!" I know what you're thinking: That belongs in the annals of mothering wisdom right up there with "Eat your vegetables" and "Mind your manners." NOT!
Nearly as soon as I said these ridiculous words, shock and shame hit. Not only because I had said them in such an ugly way to my little girl, but because I think I believed what I said. And that exposes a huge hypocrisy in me.
Food for Thought
I was a reporter for 12 years. One of the first things I learned in researching a story was "garbage in, garbage out." If your raw data is flawed, you end up with a faulty conclusion. The same is true with how we see ourselves. If we lack self-confidence, maybe we're working with flawed data.
The reality is, in hundreds of subtle ways, our culture, family, friends - even our thought life - conspire to undermine our confidence. We grow up in families void of affirmation, encouragement, and respect - the building blocks to self-confidence. Then we find ourselves smack dab in the middle of a world that lionizes Size Two Hollywood starlets and Barbie-doll figures. Our paycheck, our title, our designer labels, or some other artificial yardstick gives us temporary entree into the world of The Accepted. But in our hearts, we know it isn't real. How do we find our way to the truth?
Wise Living, Online
I am not a particularly jealous person. But in recent months, feelings of envy well up in me regularly whenever I do one thing: browse the photo website of an old friend who lives, with her husband and daughter, across the country. Her husband is a fabulous photographer and cleverly captions the pictures of their adorable one-year old.
The odd part is that I'm not actually jealous of my friend. I love my life and my own sweet family, and I don't in fact want hers. So the inevitable envy I felt when viewing the photos was baffling.
Eventually I realized that the photo site itself was the issue rather than my friend's life. Each posted album displays comical moments, smiley faces, sunny days. As I click through on my laptop, my table is messy and my two-year old cranky? And from thence springs the envy.
Madam President?
We've never been so close to the possibility of electing a female president of the United States. We'll soon see early indicators of whether Hillary Clinton will be among the candidates voters will consider at this time next year. But while this would be a first for the U.S., women certainly have been charged with such influence before.
"Women & Power" are the words on the cover of the October 15 issue of Newsweek. Much of the magazine is devoted to stories of women in powerful positions and how they got there. One particularly intriguing article, "In All Their Glory," briefly recalls the lives of Cleopatra, Queen Elizabeth I, Margaret Thatcher, and other women who have led nations. The article suggests that as we head into an election year with a female candidate as the arguable frontrunner, we may look to the past for models of how women wield power.
The Gift of Being Real
I should've trusted the worship leaders at my church more - but I didn't. So when the video rolled and the cheesy, deep, deejayish voice announced, "And now, a Thanksgiving presentation?" I rolled my eyes. Oh, boy. Here we go, I thought. The opening scenes of a smiling, neatly sweatered man sitting in an upholstered chair with two fancily dressed toddlers on his lap and several preschoolers surrounding him did nothing to stop my continued disgust. And as the sweatered man began reminiscing about his perfect childhood Thanksgiving gatherings and started in about the joys of being surrounded by his children and nieces and nephews, I thought, This is like a Saturday Night Live skit! If this is how we present our Thanksgivings, no wonder they make fun of Christians!
But then the kids onscreen start getting mouthy and squirming impatiently, and the sweatered man rolled his eyes and yelled, "Cut!" Ha-ha! The reason it seemed like sketch comedy was because it was. I laughed along with the congregation as the man's attempts to produce a perfect Thanksgiving memory got more and more pathetic. We laughed as his brothers teased him in the background. We laughed when the kids threw tantrums and misbehaved. We laughed when the whole thing ended in an on-camera family argument. We laughed because, as Homer Simpson says, "It's funny because it's true."
What was so refreshing about this video is that it gave all of us that morning license to admit publicly - through our collective laughter - that holidays can be harsh, that they rarely live up to expectations, and that our families all are broken in some way. In short, it gave us a glimpse of reality. A glimpse that is more often than not overshadowed by our attempts to portray the perfect Christian families - especially during the holidays.
Talking to Men
Men love to be respected, and they hate to be disrespected, especially by a woman. Though women in the church already know this, they don't always realize what showing respect to men entails. From a woman's perspective, it isn't necessarily disrespectful, for instance, to interrupt a man mid-sentence. Though to him it may appear that she simply cut him off - which is obviously disrespectful - to her she just got excited and overlapped his speech - which is perfectly acceptable, even affirming.
According to Deborah Tannen in You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation, women typically talk simultaneously to each other. To them, doing so is natural, not rude. Women, therefore, may be less sensitive than men to how offensive interrupting can be.
Gossips Anonymous
A little while back, I learned a very juicy (and heartbreaking) tidbit of info. While I was dying to follow up with a "Why? What happened?" I didn't. I simply said I'd pray for the people involved but wouldn't talk about it anymore. And although immediately five friends sprang to mind who would LOVE to hear this tidbit, I didn't call or email any of them. Not because I'm so righteous or so above gossip. Instead it's because I'm so broken and am a gossip - albeit, one in "recovery."
You see, a few years ago after working through a "fearless moral inventory" of myself, of all the bad things I am (jealous, materialistic, judgmental?) gossip really rose to the top (the cream of my sins, you might say) as something that eats at my soul and hinders my Christian life. While I was never the type of gossip who'd start rumors or betray a confidence, I certainly listened to rumors and to others betray confidences (thinking this was okay since the buck would stop with me. Which it did.) And I did my fair share of passing on "news" or sharing someone else's unfortunate experience simply so I could dissect it with friends - thinking we did this only out of concern and love, of course. But all the while I got quite the rush out of all that "concern" and "love."
Apologies That Work
One thing we as women leaders need to ask ourselves is, Are we to follow traditional models or seek to break new ground? If we're interested in breaking new ground, I think one of the best ways to integrate our instinctive feminine strengths into our leadership is by setting a positive example with by the transparency of our apologies.
Isn't it sad that apologies are often seen as a sign of weakness and associated with the "weaker" sex? Yet, it takes great strength to humble yourself and offer the gift of a meaningful apology.
Scripture instructs that whether we are the offender or the offended, the onus is on us to seek restoration in our relationships.
Following the Leader
If it weren't too long for the allotted space, I would've titled this post, "Everything I Needed to Know about Leadership I Learned from my Son's Preschool Teacher." And after two years of watching Ruth Harkema, this phenomenal leader, at work, I'd mean it. Of course, I knew a thing or two about leadership before I saw this gifted woman using her skills, but watching her style up close and personal - along with seeing the impact she has on those kids she leads - cemented everything good I had known before and taught me a few tricks I hadn't quite captured.
So what makes her so impressive? Simple: She can lead a group of 20 wild and wiggly or worn-out and wooly four-year-olds down a school hallway in a single file, quietly. Can you? I know I'd sooner lead a group of inmates over a prison wall than attempt that feat.
Leader-Moms Build Better Dads
When my daughter was in kindergarten, she headed off to school one morning with her hair done up in an arrangement that only vaguely resembled a braid. Actually, at the top it looked almost exactly like a braid. But the hairstyle quickly devolved into a loose semi-tangle with an odd dogleg, like a fairway at Augusta National.
The following morning Jessi asked me to please just put her hair in two pony tails. That was the same week I sent her to school wearing orange socks, which didn't fully complement her pink outfit.
Things were different when my wife, Jeanette, was in town - which was most of the time.
Edit Your Schedule, Practice Self-Control
I had a couple of ruthless high school English teachers who routinely "bled" across my and my classmates' papers with their red pens - fabulous teachers who taught us to write. One point they eventually got across is how much harder it is to write a short paper than a long one. This is counterintuitive but true. Today this point re-emerges when a client is relieved to learn that a permitted proposal length is only 25 pages instead of 100... And I have to explain that the short proposal will actually be a lot more work than the longer one would have been.
Why is producing a short document - a quality one, I mean - usually harder than producing a long one? Because each word in a short document must be well chosen, providing a comprehensive picture in a limited space. This takes planning, editing, and painstaking revising. And the writer can't indulge in any luxuries a longer text affords - lengthy explanations, sidebars, a little redundancy.
Continue reading "Edit Your Schedule, Practice Self-Control" »
Marriage vs. Ministry?
When I went into full-time ministry, I feared my children would resent church if I gave too much time or energy to it. I had stayed home for 11 years and when my youngest son Trent was in kindergarten, I decided to move into vocational ministry. I began a leadership role at Willow Creek Community Church outside of Chicago. It was a challenging transition, but surprisingly, the person who took the greatest hit was my husband. To make sure my kids were not affected by my work, I made sure my schedule was flexible and that I could drop them off and pick them up from school. Also, if they were sick or out of school, I worked from home. Each day, I would help with the homework, make them a snack, cook dinner, and then set out the clothes for the next morning. I was exhausted but the kids seemed happy.
Now if you asked my husband about those early years of ministry, he may have painted a different picture.
Leading with Low Expectations
A few weeks ago, I caught a segment on one of the morning news shows in which they featured the happiest country in the world, according to some new study. The country? Denmark. The reason? It is a country of low expectations. No lie. That was the reason given. Happy-enough looking Danes were interviewed and offered their support for this claim. They didn't really dream big and thus were never disappointed, most said. Voila! Happy!
As a red-blooded American raised firmly on the Puritan Work Ethic and the notion of having great expectations, this jolted my sensibilities. And it still does, except for one small thing: I've put this notion to work a couple times, and it's paid off nicely. While I'm not a big happiness-seeker in that I don't generally chase whatever I fancy might make me happy (I know better than that), once I learned the Danes are the happiest and Americans tend to be among the most unhappy people on earth, I thought a little experiment couldn't hurt.
Identity Crisis
This past winter, when I was eight months pregnant, my husband and I attended a retreat for "thoughtful" Christians on the snow-covered dunes of Lake Michigan. We had a great time and met wonderful, interesting people with whom we enjoyed great conversations. But one man marred my trip a bit: Whenever he saw me, he insisted on calling me mama.
You don't have to know me all that well to realize that there are exactly three small people on this planet who can call me mama and expect a warm reception. While I'm sure this man meant no harm - he seemed decent enough otherwise - suddenly every essay I had read or written in college lambasting sexist language came flooding back into my memory and fueled an anger I hadn't felt in a long time.
Back in our room, I quietly raged (the walls of our old hotel were quite thin!) against this man to my husband. When he offered to kick his sexist butt for me, we both laughed at that thought and my anger toward the man was pretty much over. But the anger toward myself wasn't.
Dinner Table Talk in a Violent World
For many of us involved in ministry and leadership positions, our days are full and our brains are fried by the end of the day, when we return home to re-group with our families. Table talk over dinner is an important place to process the small and large, local and global issues of our day.
Last night at dinner, I started to say grace, and I just couldn't say anything. My husband picked up and finished for me, praying for those families touched by tragedy.
The Date I’ll Never Forget
It was a Friday night. My husband and I had a "date" with two other couples from the small church where we ministered together. One of the couples was about our age, but the other couple, Willis and Betty, was in their late eighties.
We felt a bit awkward at first. How do you get the conversation started with people more than half a century your senior? But soon things began to feel natural as we watched a video and ate caramel corn, shared stories from our lives, and ended the evening with a rousing "hymn sing," which Willis enthusiastically led on accordion while my husband tried to keep up on guitar.
Announcing Gifted for Leadership Resources!
I have exciting news! Gifted for Leadership is now more than just a blog and an e-mail newsletter. As if we didn't have enough excitement around here?This week, we're launching our very first downloadable resource created specifically for women leaders. These short booklets offer collections of expert advice, biblical perspective, stories, practical ideas, and leadership tools to inspire and challenge you.
Continue reading "Announcing Gifted for Leadership Resources!" »
Work Is a Sacred Trust
The summer I was 15, I locked myself in the bathroom. Not for the typical reasons. There was no fight with my parents or disappointing love interest. I wasn't trying to hide tears or cool down a temper. I had just received my first paycheck.
It wasn't just the paycheck I loved. That was just symbolic. It was work I loved. I loved the feeling of doing something that mattered, something that helped other people, something that I could accomplish.
Growing up, I awoke each morning to the smell of coffee and the sight of my dad in his crisp white shirt and tie, sitting at the breakfast table reading the newspaper. His aftershave gently filled the room and there was a sense of anticipation in him as he readied to start the work day. My dad loved what he did, and he was good at it. That was a dynamic combination.
Leading Our Children, Part 2
As I mentioned in my previous post, women are bombarded with many models of parenting. Now let me tell you more about the "mommy tracks" I've been on, and what I've learned about leading my children.
The complexity of my own situation as a parent astounds me. I've been a stay-at-home mom, an outdoor-photographer mom, a work-from-home-worship-leader-mom, a self-employed-traveling-and-speaking mom, a married mom, a single mom. I've started three businesses while my children were still at home, and transitioned in and out of several careers. Funny how there wasn't a manual for what I ended up doing. If there had been, the chapter titles alone would have terrified me.
Leading Our Children, Part 1
As women, we're bombarded with so many models of parenting:
? The uber-mommy track: no employment until the last one turns 18.
? The uber-career track: give em' six weeks' attention, and then get back out there.
? The modified mommy: no employment until they're all kindergarten graduates.
? The modified career: work part-time, school hours only, part time at home, work nights, etc.
Then there are the tracks known to cause certain kinds of insanity in both children and their mothers:
Aren't We Always at Church?
My sister is a very busy woman. She has four kids (ranging from infancy to 10 years old), works part-time from home, maintains a spotless house, and manages to follow the Holy Spirit through an active and ongoing ministry to people around her.
She and her family are actively involved in their church, and she serves where she can. God has given her obvious spiritual gifts in mercy, encouragement, administration, and discernment. But most of the time, she doesn't exercise these gifts in the church building. Instead, she more often finds herself doing ministry at home, at her kids' school, at the park, and at Wal-Mart.
She tells me she sometimes feels guilty because she doesn't seem to be meeting other people's expectations. She doesn't attend all the social events her friends do. She doesn't teach a Sunday school class (even though she's been asked several times). And when another couple asked her if she and her husband would lead a small group because they want to join one but don't want to lead, she said no.
Climbing the Corporate Web
Sally Helgeson wrote The Female Advantage in the 1990s. This was a classic, paradigm-changing book about how women's leadership styles and gifts are changing the face of organizations. Her subsequent work, The Web of Inclusion, continued the conversation, exploring how women leaders prefer to work in flattened, inter-woven organizational structures - literally, webs of relationships. And through these webs of connection, women maximize productivity and innovation.
In The Web of Inclusion, Helgeson describes some of the common leadership practices of the successful women she researched:
"The women I studied built profoundly integrated and organic organizations in which the focus was on nurturing good relationships; in which the niceties of hierarchical rank and distinction played little part; and in which lines of communication were multiple, open, and diffuse. I noted that the women tended to put themselves at the center of their organizations rather than at the top, emphasizing both accessibility and equality, and that they labored constantly to include people in their decision-making. This had the effect of undermining the boundaries so characteristic of mainstream organizations, with their strict job descriptions, categorization of people according to rank, and restrictions on the flow of information."
Welcome to Gifted for Leadership!
Welcome to Gifted for Leadership! This blog is designed specifically for Christian women who are capable, called, and gifted leaders. Unfortunately, many Christian women in leadership feel alone in their calling. They need a place where they can converse about the issues they face, encourage one another, and challenge each other. They want something different from the women's ministry resources and events that discuss issues unique to women. They want tools that visit topics that are not unique to women, but that approach them from a woman's perspective.
That's why we're producing a free monthly e-mail newsletter (have you signed up?), this blog, and - coming soon - a collection of downloadable booklets. These tools will equip, encourage, challenge, and unite women who exercise leadership gifts in church and parachurch ministry, in business, and at home. They'll also build a community of women with leadership gifts who can challenge and support one another and grow together.
This site is a resource of Christianity Today International, produced in partnership with the editors of LEADERSHIP JOURNAL. I'm very excited to launch this blog and to tell you about our Gifted for Leadership philosophy:
Balance or Bust?
During a Mavericks game half-time show last season, I sat staring with my mouth wide open. With the rest of the breathless fans, I gawked at a tiny woman on an outrageously tall unicycle as she balanced a growing stack of bowls. She continued to toss them up, one by one, with her free foot (the other was pedalling, of course). I broke into a sweat because I was so nervous for her.
When people ask me about juggling obligations or "work/life balance," I imagine they see me as that halftime show acrobat with a delicately suspended stack of responsibilities, and want me to share my secrets to not dropping anything (or anyone). I'm not really worthy of their spotlight; I just have a little more practice than some. While this balancing act looks different for each person, the following are a few tricks of the juggling trade I have learned over the years:
Too Busy Serving?
It was interesting to me that in the passage about the feeding of the five thousand, we have absolutely no record of the disciples eating. All it tells us is that they picked up the leftovers. The disciples were doing good thing by serving, but they were so busy picking up the leftovers of everybody else's blessing that they missed on being filled.
Now I don't mind picking up leftovers, but I also want to be one of the ones getting fed. This means that I must carve time out of my busy day to sit quietly in the presence of Jesus so he can speak to me. Are you missing out on what Jesus wants to say to you because you're so busy serving?
I think this might have been part of Martha's problem. The Lord and his disciples had dropped in for supper at the home of Martha, Lazarus, and Mary. Martha was running around madly tying to get food on the table. She expected her sister to help her, but Mary was just sitting at the Lord's feet, listening to him. It was too much to take. So Martha went to Jesus and said, "Tell her to help me" (Luke 10:40).
Born to Lead
I've spent most of my life in leadership. I led my little sister in shenanigans for years. I led my friends on the playground and my fellow students in the classroom. I was captain of my cross-country team in high school and served on Student Senate in college. I was on the student leadership team for my church youth group and Fellowship of Christian Athletes. But I never thought about leadership until I was an adult. I behaved as a leader because God had given me a leadership gift and called me to use it. It was natural for me. I found places to lead without setting out to do so.
Wrestling with God’s Leadership
The most important thing God ever taught me is to pray for what I lack. I've had to pray that above all else, he would give me a love for him, and a hunger and thirst for his Word. In my twenties, I was a Sunday school teacher, and I was pitiful. I just didn't know God's Word. So I prayed about it and signed up for a Bible doctrine class at my church that I just knew would be the most boring thing I ever attended.
Instead a man walked up - a former football player - who threw open the Bible and practically wept as he taught it. Never before had I met someone who had such a passionate relationship with God through the Word.
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